Chapter 29 29. I Treat You As Air
After Zhuang Yongyuan said, "What are you making a fuss about?", he shook off Xie Kang and went straight down the stairs to a place closer to the river.
Xie Kang did not chase after him immediately. Zhuang Yongyuan kept avoiding him. If he kept asking, the two of them would start arguing again.
They hardly ever quarreled when they were together before, but this reunion seemed to make up for all the arguments that had not occurred before.
Xie Kang stuffed his hands into his pockets to keep them warm, lost in thought as he watched the people coming and going by the river. He then looked at Zhuang Yongyuan. He couldn't explain why, but he simply felt that Zhuang Yongyuan didn't fit in with the surroundings or the people around him.
Zhuang Yongyuan was still walking down, and had already stepped half a foot into the Yanjiang River.
Xie Kang was dazed at first, but when Zhuang Yongyuan walked a little further into the river, he suddenly realized what was happening. He rushed over and grabbed Zhuang Yongyuan's arm, bumping into several people along the way without even having time to apologize, and dragged him towards the shore. Zhuang Yongyuan looked dazed and didn't resist, just letting Xie Kang pull him.
Xie Kang pulled him all the way to the corridor of a nearby old apartment building, and stopped far away from the river.
There was a smell of dust in the corridor. Zhuang Yongyuan raised his arm and rubbed the skin that was pinched red by Xie Kang. It was painful and he thought it would turn blue tomorrow.
"I was watching people swimming in winter. I stood a little forward so I could see more clearly," he explained.
"This is the second time!" Xie Kang's voice grew louder, and the voice-controlled lights in the corridor lit up. The dark yellow filament was covered by a layer of black-gray glass.
Zhuang Yongyuan lowered his head and said nothing. He sat down against the wall and lit a cigarette.
"Give me one." Xie Kang held out his hand. Zhuang Yongyuan took a cigarette from the pack and put it in his mouth, then lit it with his lighter, holding the flame with his other hand to block the wind.
Xie Kang took a few long drags on his cigarette and said, "Besides the marijuana incident, what else has happened to Lily Xin?"
"Because of this, many people sent private messages and emails to curse us. Some people even got my WeChat account, added me as a friend, and cursed me." Zhuang Yongyuan frowned and said, "The curses were very ugly."
"That's all?"
"That's all."
Xie Kang patted Zhuang Yongyuan's face and got so close that the light from his cigarette butt was reflected in Zhuang Yongyuan's pupils.
"You didn't tell the truth, what else is going on?"
Zhuang Yongyuan tutted in dissatisfaction and was about to say something to fool him when he suddenly noticed that Xie Kang's eyes were very bright in the dim light, as if covered with a layer of mist.
It’s not like that, Xie Kang’s eyes were wet.
Zhuang Yongyuan was obviously flustered. He had never seen Xie Kang cry before. Even when Li Xiuyu passed away, Xie Kang just spoke less.
Hadn't Xie Kang always been strong, rational, and capable? He left without a second thought, and when they saw each other for the last time, he didn't shed a single tear. Why was he shedding tears over something that had nothing to do with him?
Zhuang Yongyuan searched for a napkin in his pocket, but he was in a hurry to go out today and forgot to bring it with him. He had no choice but to wipe Xie Kang's tears with the back of his hand, but stopped halfway through.
In what capacity did he wipe Xie Kang's tears?
Xie Kang took a few deep breaths and said tremblingly, "I don't want you to be like Li Xiuyu."
Zhuang Yongyuan slowly removed his hand, feeling a tightness in his chest. Without thinking, he blurted out, "Then why did you leave then?"
He regretted it after he finished speaking. They had been apart for six years, and he was twenty-eight. He wasn't the confused and sensitive sixteen-year-old middle school student, nor was he the naive young man who had just graduated from college. He could write songs and become famous on his own. His life didn't have to depend on Xie Kang.
He has obviously grown up and matured. He is very comfortable when socializing with others. He is calm and at ease no matter how many people are in the audience. There is no reason for him to be emotionally affected by another person, and there is no need for him to be too close to anyone.
Asking such a question seemed to make him seem very upset.
But it was too late. Xie Kang said, "Do I still have a chance to regret it?"
He asked so naturally, as if the six years he and Zhuang Yongyuan had been apart had never existed.
Zhuang Yongyuan smoked two more cigarettes before saying, "It's my problem. I can't write songs anymore."
Xie Kang sniffed and said, "You can write slowly."
Zhuang Yongyuan stroked the bright red lock-opening advertisement on the wall. He didn't know what to say. The time he had shone on the stage was meaningless. All the cheers and encouragements only made him frightened. He might never be able to write any good songs again.
How could he explain that every time he wrote a musical phrase, he couldn't even listen to it once? How could he explain that he looked at the overflowing project files on his computer and thought they were just a pile of garbage, the sooner they disappeared, the better? How could he explain that every time he listened to his own songs, he felt they were full of flaws, even though not long ago, he had loved them?
Zhuang Yongyuan hesitated for a moment and said, "After returning from Pingnan last time, I couldn't sing during every group rehearsal."
"What's it like?"
"I opened my mouth, but no sound came out." Zhuang Yongyuan laughed at himself.
The voice-activated light above them dimmed and brightened, and a child's cry echoed from the hallway. Someone returning home from their night shift gave them a strange look as they passed.
After the person passed by and a door closed, Xie Kang asked Zhuang Yongyuan, "Have you seen a doctor?"
"I have seen it. I have seen many of them. They all said there is no problem."
"Where's the psychiatrist?"
"I can't see it clearly." Zhuang Yongyuan brushed off the wall dust on his body and made a move to leave. He said casually, "I can't write songs, and I can't sing, so I can't make it this far."
"Are you going back to Pingnan to recuperate?"
"Aren't you asking too many questions? I'm only answering the question of why Lily Heart is taking a break from the group." Zhuang Yongyuan blinked and said, "Don't leak this information to anyone."
He added, "Don't look at me like I'm pathetic. This is all my own business and has nothing to do with you."
"I didn't mean that." Before Xie Kang could finish his words, Zhuang Yongyuan walked away from him.
Aside from a few business districts and pedestrian streets, Pingnan didn't have much nightlife. It was just after ten o'clock, and the streets were already deserted. Xie Kang didn't chase him directly, but instead followed Zhuang Yongyuan from a distance of seven or eight meters.
Zhuang Yongyuan was wearing black clothes today, and there were traces of wall dust on his body. Xie Kang looked down at the hem of his clothes that was blown up by the night wind, and saw that it was also covered with a layer of white wall dust, proving that he and Zhuang Yongyuan had hidden in the same place not long ago. The staircase of the old residential building was separated from the city for a moment, becoming an island that belonged to them alone.
What he was about to say next deserved more careful consideration, but he couldn't wait any longer. He was afraid that if he didn't say it, Zhuang Yongyuan would disappear under the street light.
Xie Kang quickened his pace, rushed behind Zhuang Yongyuan and hugged him.
Zhuang Yongyuan was startled and tried to break free but couldn't. He turned around and asked Xie Kang angrily, "What are you doing?"
Xie Kang kissed him on the mouth, but just as his lips touched, Zhuang Yongyuan pushed his face away. He spoke before Zhuang Yongyuan could, "Let's get back together."
"You don't have to do this if you're afraid I'll be upset, right?"
"I love you."
Zhuang Yongyuan laughed and said, "You said it so casually? What if I asked you to come back to Shanghai with me right away?"
"If you mean it, I can."
Zhuang Yongyuan ruffled Xie Kang's hair and said, "Teacher Xie, I said that my poor condition has nothing to do with you and you are not responsible. I also meant that if your life is not satisfactory after you come back, I can't be your escape route."
"I haven't thought of it that way."
"Maybe you don't even know it, but you think so."
"Then let's get to know each other again." Xie Kang said firmly.
Zhuang Yongyuan didn't speak for a long time. The wind was getting colder and colder, and Xie Kang felt that his fingers were frozen stiff.
Finally, Zhuang Yongyuan spoke: "Please let me go first."
Xie Kang didn't move, and Zhuang Yongyuan said helplessly: "I didn't say I wouldn't agree to your request."
"You didn't say yes."
Zhuang Yongyuan shrugged and said, "Let's be together. I'm usually bored anyway. Okay, you can let go now. If someone takes a picture and posts it online, we'll all be doomed."
Xie Kang finally let him go, and his body began to heat up again. Zhuang Yongyuan continued, "But you have to promise me a few things."
"you say."
"First..." He thought for a moment and said, "Pick me up and drop me off at get off work every day. Walking is too tiring."
"Okay." Xie Kang nodded.
"And we have to keep it a secret. No one else can know about this, not even Adian." Zhuang Yongyuan curled his lips and said, "I'm losing too much money this way."
"Anything else?"
"Hmm..." Zhuang Yongyuan thought for a moment and said seriously, "When I return to Shanghai, we'll end it."
Xie Kang didn't agree right away. After a while, he hesitated and asked Zhuang Yongyuan, "When are you leaving?"
Zhuang Yongyuan patted his shoulder and said, "I haven't thought about it yet."
"Then you have to tell me in advance so I can be mentally prepared." Xie Kang touched Zhuang Yongyuan's hair at the temples, poked his ear, and said, "I'll take you home."
"It's hard to say. I might just wake up and suddenly want to leave." Zhuang Yongyuan looked at Xie Kang's slowly sinking expression and said, "An hour early is considered early, right?"
Xie Kang's eyes made him feel guilty. Just when Zhuang Yongyuan wanted to say something else, Xie Kang suddenly smiled and said, "Forget it."
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