Chapter 40 40. Feeling Depressed
After leaving Zhuang Yongyuan's house, Xie Kang walked around the neighborhood before driving home.
The whole way, he wondered if leaving Zhuang Yongyuan's house was the right thing to do. He felt he should spend as much time with Zhuang Yongyuan as possible, as he felt something was amiss. But the way Zhuang Yongyuan looked at him made him feel uncomfortable.
That look made Xie Kang feel that he was already an unimportant fragment in Zhuang Yongyuan's past, an insignificant old friend and bed partner. All the bright fragments in Xie Kang's memory were no longer important.
Thinking of this, Xie Kang seemed to have stepped on an empty staircase and suddenly couldn't find his footing.
He used his fingerprint to unlock the door, and just as he stepped into the house, he noticed the back of his mother Yang Ruihui sitting on the sofa.
Yang Ruihui was not watching TV or playing with her cell phone, she was just sitting there.
Xie Kang looked at his watch and asked in confusion, "Mom, didn't you go to yoga class?"
Yang Ruihui didn't respond and pulled a tissue from in front of her.
Xie Kang quickly closed the door and walked quickly to Yang Ruihui. Yang Ruihui also lowered her head, her messy hair covering half of her face, and sniffed hard.
Xie Kang became anxious and sat down next to Yang Ruihui, asking in a panic, "What happened?"
Yang Ruihui just shook her head and didn't answer. After Xie Kang asked her more than ten times, she raised her head, glanced timidly towards the study, and then lowered her head in panic. The fleeting face looked a little pitiful.
"Did you have a fight with Dad?" Xie Kang asked with a frown.
Yang Ruihui nodded slightly and asked Xie Kang in a hoarse voice, "What have you been busy with recently? I haven't been home to sleep for a long time."
Every day, Yang Ruihui called to ask if he wanted to go home for dinner, but Xie Kang would always say he was working overtime to finish a document and was sleeping in the school dormitory. Zhuang Yongyuan overheard this and laughed at him at first, but after hearing it so often, he didn't bother to react anymore.
"I have an open class to prepare for next month..." Xie Kang said casually, stood up and was about to walk towards the study, but was stopped by Yang Ruihui again.
"Don't go." Yang Ruihui sighed, "Your father wasn't wrong to scold me. I really didn't teach you well."
Xie Kang's heart tightened and he said, "What nonsense are you talking about?"
Yang Ruihui stared at Xie Kang with piercing eyes: "If I hadn't taught you well, how come you are only a teacher at No. 1 Middle School now?"
"That was my own choice, it has nothing to do with you."
"How can it have nothing to do with you? I raised you from such a small child..." Yang Ruihui stretched out her hand in the air and gestured with the length of a ukulele, "You were born two weeks prematurely and were sent to the incubator right after birth. You were so wrinkled and tiny that you couldn't even open your eyes.
"At the time, I thought, as long as you can grow up, everything will be fine. I didn't expect you to be so great later on, and even become a little prodigy."
"That's all in the past..." Xie Kang was interrupted by Yang Ruihui before he could finish his words.
"Mom and Dad used to have very high expectations of you. Do you remember? When you were little, Mom and Dad thought you would be something great in the future."
"We've tried our best in this life, but we can only develop in Pingnan. When you were in the third grade and appeared in the Pingnan Evening News, during a family dinner, you said you wanted to take your parents abroad in the future."
Yang Ruihui's eyes turned resentful. "If Director Li's son hadn't led you astray, you would definitely be much better than you are now. Now when someone asks you what you are doing, your father and I are too embarrassed to tell them."
The Director Li she mentioned was Li Xiuyu's mother, who was the head of Yang Ruihui's department at the time.
"It has nothing to do with Li Xiuyu."
Yang Ruihui noticed Xie Kang's gloomy face, lowered her head again, and murmured, "I know you're grown up now and you don't listen to what your mother says, but your mother only says this for your own good. You made a mistake once, and you can't make it again."
"What did I do wrong?" Xie Kang said in a bad tone, but he felt uneasy inside.
"You're almost thirty and you don't even have a partner. Do you know what others are saying about you behind your back?" Yang Ruihui cried. "You're so well-off, and you've even prepared a wedding house. In terms of looks and personality, how are you any worse than others? Isn't it okay to pick anyone in Pingnan? How come you still don't have a partner..."
Xie Kang got a headache when he heard words like partner and wedding house, and subconsciously took a few steps back, away from Yang Ruihui.
Yang Ruihui wiped her tears with a tissue and said, "Mom is very scared... Do you know how scared she is?"
She didn't say what she was afraid of, and Xie Kang didn't ask. He waited until Yang Ruihui calmed down a bit and said, "No matter what, Dad can't scold you for me. I'll go talk to him."
As soon as Xie Kang finished speaking, there was a sound of something falling in the study. The dull sound shocked Yang Ruihui so much that she sat up straight and said, "Don't go!"
"The most important thing for a woman in her life is to take care of her husband and children. Your father works so hard outside, so it's my fault that I didn't raise you well at home."
Without waiting for Xie Kang to speak, Yang Ruihui continued eagerly, "Your father is very pleased with the girl your uncle introduced. After seeing your photo, she also wants to meet you. Just for Mom and for this family, you should go and meet her, okay?"
She looked at the black and white portrait of Grandpa Xie Kang on the chest of drawers and said, "Your grandpa is in heaven. I wonder how much he wants to see you get married and have children."
Xie Kang parked the car on the side of the road, took out his cell phone and scrolled through the chat history with Zhuang Yongyuan. There was a long string of messages from him, including current affairs news, funny online posts, randomly played good new albums, and small talk like "Have you eaten?" and "What are you doing?". Zhuang Yongyuan only replied to one message, saying the song was good.
There was a message waiting to be sent in the dialog box: "My parents are forcing me to go on a blind date. It's so annoying, and I don't know how to tell girls."
He hesitated for a moment, then deleted the message, took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and recalled last night to encourage himself.
The scene before him was originally a wet darkness, but Zhuang Yongyuan's body slowly emerged, becoming clearer and clearer. His slightly pouty yet soft lips, his sharp canine teeth that hurt when cut, and his slender legs, surprisingly strong, would kick Xie Kang when he got excited in bed. Xie Kang had been kicked so many times that he'd gotten bruised. He was afraid of it, so he always had to hold onto his legs before they made love. Last night, he didn't hold on tightly enough, and there was a bruise on his back.
When he lay down, his waist would sag. On idle afternoons, Xie Kang liked to rest his head there, reading novels, listening to music, or doing nothing at all.
The cell phone rang, and Yang Ruihui urged him to hurry up because the girl had been waiting for a long time.
Xie Kang sighed in his heart, got out of the car and walked into a roadside cafe.
Many boutique coffee shops have emerged in Pingnan in recent years. Xie Kang couldn't tell the quality of their products, but he couldn't help but sigh in his heart every time he saw the price list. He didn't expect that a few years later he would feel the same price shock he had experienced in Shanghai with Zhuang Yongyuan in Pingnan.
As Xie Kang walked into the cafe, a girl sitting by the window, wearing a burgundy cardigan with a thin black border, stood up and waved at him.
Xie Kang smiled and walked over to sit opposite her.
"You're the guy Uncle Xie introduced me to, right?" The girl pushed the drink menu in front of Xie Kang and said, "Take a look at what you want to drink."
"Sorry, I'm late because I took a work call." Xie Kang didn't even glance at the drink menu. He said, "You order. I'll just have an Americano." The girl said, "Oh," and picked up the drink menu again, muttering to herself, "My colleague said the jasmine cocktail here is good..."
"Then let's order the jasmine special and a dessert." Xie Kang said, and he couldn't wait to get up and go to the front desk to place the order.
Xie Kang felt a strange sense of guilt, not sure who it was directed at. He pointed to a random photo of a cake and said, "This one's the one I'll take. Please hurry up."
The waiter read slowly, "You ordered a Spring Mountain Jasmine Yuanyang Latte, an Arabica Gold Medal Bean Medium Roast Americano, and a limited-edition winter sesame pumpkin sticky slice, right?"
Xie Kang was stunned for a moment and said, "Is...right? Can you help me make it faster?"
The waiter said apologetically, "Sorry, our barista is on leave this afternoon, so we can only instruct the temporary worker to make drinks via video."
There was a half-open curtain between the front desk and the operating counter. The waiter turned around and called inside: "Can you do it? Or let me do it."
The temporary worker inside mumbled something in reply, but Xie Kang didn't hear clearly. He felt confused and returned to his seat.
The girl said, "I heard from Uncle Xie that you are a teacher at No. 1 Middle School?"
"Yes, a chemistry teacher." Xie Kang looked out the window uneasily, and forced himself to focus on the person in front of him.
"Isn't it tiring to be a teacher? The assessment indicators seem to be very strict nowadays."
"fine."
Xie Kang pulled out his phone. Zhuang Yongyuan hadn't sent a message. He put it back. The girl's mouth moved, asking questions, and he answered instinctively. He had no recollection of what they had said.
As he was speaking, Xie Kang took a deep breath and interrupted the girl who was talking about the camping base they went to last weekend.
"I'm sorry." Xie Kang said.
"What are you sorry for? Are you late? It's okay, I just got here too."
"No." Xie Kang shook his head, "Actually, I am..."
"What are you?" The girl looked at him strangely.
"I am..." Xie Kang felt his teeth become so tight that he couldn't open his mouth.
"Hello, I'd like some coffee."
A familiar voice suddenly sounded beside him, and Xie Kang subconsciously glanced at the waiter who served the coffee.
Zhuang Yongyuan, wearing a loose white apron and holding two cups of coffee, was standing by the table looking at him.
"Ice American coffee should belong to this gentleman, right?" Zhuang Yongyuan bent down, placed the iced American coffee in front of Xie Kang, and said casually, "Bring your girlfriend here for afternoon tea."
The girl smiled and said, "I'm not your girlfriend, I'm here for a blind date."
"Oh, a blind date." Zhuang Yongyuan blinked. "You two look so well-matched, I thought you were boyfriend and girlfriend."
He placed the remaining Jasmine Yuanyang along with the tray in front of the girl, turned around, opened the door and walked out of the cafe.
Xie Kang even forgot to breathe for a while. He hurriedly said "I'm sorry" and ran out to chase Zhuang Yongyuan.
A cold wind blew towards him with sand, and Xie Kang's eyes were painful and blurry. He rubbed his eyes as he walked, and saw Zhuang Yongyuan walking quickly under a tree across the road.
Xie Kang ignored the red light and rushed straight across the zebra crossing. He chased after Zhuang Yongyuan and shouted at the top of his voice, "This is the first time I've met that girl. I can't turn down the blind date, so I met her to make it clear that I like boys."
Zhuang Yongyuan said nothing and walked faster and faster. Xie Kang had no choice but to quicken his pace to keep up. He continued, "I wanted to send you a message, but you didn't reply much today. I thought you were busy."
"My whole family joined in forcing me to go. I had no choice but to go."
Zhuang Yongyuan looked back at Xie Kang. Xie Kang's thick eyebrows and big eyes drooped, and he looked very depressed.
He still didn't say anything and continued walking forward. The wind carried the fishy smell of the river water, and the cross-river bridge was right in front of them.
Xie Kang followed Zhuang Yongyuan onto the bridge. He was in such a hurry to leave the cafe that he forgot to put on his coat and was extremely cold walking on the bridge.
"Can we find a place to sit down and talk things out?" Xie Kang said as he blew air into his palms.
"Aren't you cold walking outside with so little clothing?"
"Zhuang Yongyuan, when did you develop the habit of walking non-stop when you're angry?"
"Are you going to go hiking after you stop playing in the band?"
"Where are you going?"
No matter what Xie Kang said, Zhuang Yongyuan had no reaction, and Xie Kang closed his mouth in despair.
Although the winter sun is bright, it has no warmth and the sky is pale.
When they first reached the new district on the other side of the bridge, Xie Kang was still a little angry, angry that Zhuang Yongyuan didn't give him any chance to explain. When he walked to the back, he felt cold and tired, and his mind was blank from the wind.
The two of them were wearing very little, had stern faces, and walked very fast. They sneezed from time to time, and passers-by always turned around to look at them in confusion.
The new district across the bridge was nothing like what it had been when Xie Kang brought Zhuang Yongyuan here by bike. The factories and village houses were gone, replaced by brand new high-rise residential buildings and chain shopping malls, making the old city look dirty and old. The tile-clad buildings were stacked up along the South Peak, and the gullies and crevices contained immeasurable and indescribable memories.
It was getting dark, and the sound of the tide was loud beneath the purple sunset. Xie Kang came to his senses. This was the beach where the last music festival had been held. The stage and tents had been dismantled, and the signposts had been left behind, faded by the wind in the past few months. Every few steps, you could still step on a plastic bottle.
There was a new construction site nearby. When they arrived, the lights on the construction site had just been turned on. It seemed that they were going to build a resort hotel.
Xie Kang was secretly glad that Zhuang Yongyuan had finally reached the end of Pingnan City. He couldn't just walk into the sea.
Unexpectedly, Zhuang Yongyuan turned in another direction and continued walking along the coastline. It was low tide, and the beach was wet. Every step would create a pool of icy cold water.
Xie Kang couldn't stand it any longer. Regardless of the people on the beach, he shouted at Zhuang Yongyuan, who was a few steps faster than him, "Zhuang Yongyuan! Stop right there!"
"Stop! Where are you going?!"
"If we keep going, we'll reach Xiamen! Stop!"
"If you have the guts, just walk back to Shanghai!"
His hoarse and gentle voice became hideous and distorted, not at all like someone who could sing Minnan songs while playing an acoustic guitar.
"Zhuang Yongyuan, if you leave again I'll ignore you! You can take a taxi to and from get off work from now on!"
"Just because you're famous, you can lose your temper at will?"
Zhuang Yongyuan didn't look back and walked towards a more desolate place. As he walked, the stars and the moon dimmed, and the little crabs burrowed back into the sand. It seemed that there were only the two of them and a few wandering seagulls left in the world.
Xie Kang really had no strength left. He stopped and gasped for breath as he shouted his last few words: "If you hate me so much, why did you go back to Pingnan?"
"If you hate me so much, why don't you pretend not to know me when you see me?"
"Why do you want to go out with me and take me home if you hate me so much!"
"Don't think I won't leave, Zhuang Yongyuan. I'm telling you, I'm going home now. You can go wherever you want!"
Zhuang Yongyuan finally stopped. He stood there motionless, with the soles of his shoes half sunk into the sand.
Xie Kang wiped the dust off his face and took a deep breath to calm himself down. He saw Zhuang Yongyuan turn around with a look of pain on his face that he didn't even show when he failed to hang himself.
He cried to Xie Kang, "Just go. It's not the first time you've left."
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