Chapter 43 43. We are both hopeless
Xie Kang took off the strap and put the electric guitar back on the stand. He said awkwardly, "Now that I can play like this, you won't let me go back to Lily Heart, right?"
Zhuang Yongyuan didn't say anything, but Xie Kang knew he was looking at him. He pretended to be relaxed and asked Zhuang Yongyuan, "Where are we going to dinner tonight?"
"You decide." Zhuang Yongyuan shrugged.
Xie Kang asked again, "How come you have time to come here for so long today? Didn't you find a lot of part-time jobs over the weekend?"
Zhuang Yongyuan said, "I left halfway through my last job because the cafe didn't want me anymore. I'm not familiar with the routes as a delivery driver and am always late. I lose more money than I earn, and I get scolded all the time. I don't want to do this anymore. I just found a late shift at a convenience store and I won't start until next week."
"Why do you have to do all this?" Xie Kang didn't understand him. Zhuang Yongyuan didn't need this little money.
"What do you do when you are not at work?" Zhuang Yongyuan asked.
Xie Kang answered simply: "I'll go find you."
Zhuang Yongyuan laughed, his breath blowing the smoke into disarray. He finished laughing and said, "What about before I come back?"
Xie Kang thought for a moment and said, "Before you came back, I didn't have much time to rest."
He rambled on, "Don't underestimate teachers. Besides teaching, there's a ton of material to cover, training sessions, meetings, and open classes. When you're really serious, there's really no time to rest."
"So you're still free to come to every tour?"
"That's different."
The cigarette was finished, and it was completely dark outside. Zhuang Yongyuan approached Xie Kang in the darkness, like a stalking prey. He sniffed Xie Kang and said, "So you're also afraid of idle time, so you keep finding things to do. We're the same."
"I'm working...work requires it." Xie Kang said subconsciously. In just a few words, the second half of the sentence was already wavering and hesitant.
Zhuang Yongyuan reached out to touch Xie Kang's earrings and asked, "Can you wear earrings to work?"
"It's okay as long as the leader doesn't notice."
Xie Kang heard him take a deep breath, as if about to say something, but in the end, he said nothing. The school was deserted on weekends, and the dead silence in the room frightened Xie Kang. With nothing else to do, he instinctively kissed Zhuang Yongyuan. Zhuang Yongyuan stumbled back a few steps, stumbling onto the piano.
A cloud of dust rose up around them, along with the dull, off-key sound of a piano that was in worse shape than the one they had played in high school, its tone odd, but not completely dead.
They kissed hollowly, groping each other's bodies, escaping this period of time with nothing to do, just like the countless long, boring afternoons they had spent together in the past.
But at that time it was not like it is now, there was no road in front or behind.
In between heavy breathing, Xie Kang held Zhuang Yongyuan's hand and said, "Shen Xifu said you are good at teaching people."
Zhuang Yongyuan's free hand touched Xie Kang's lower back, lightly and heavily, and his legs wrapped around him. As his body touched Xie Kang's, muscle memory kicked in, like touching a guitar string.
He knew how to make Xie Kang most comfortable. Xie Kang seemed to enjoy it very much. His body was very hot. He lowered his head and buried his face in Zhuang Yongyuan's chest, breathing greedily, and wanted to take off Zhuang Yongyuan's pants.
Zhuang Yongyuan slapped his hand away and scolded him, "This is where they practice."
Xie Kang's voice was hoarse and he couldn't speak: "Let's find a hotel near the school. I can't make it home."
Zhuang Yongyuan said: "When Lily Heart was not making money, I taught people to play guitar to make money."
"Is that enough?" Xie Kang only had a breath left.
"It's barely enough. I also found a lot of part-time jobs, such as making songs for others, delivering packages, adjusting the sound system for the community square dance competition, and serving fruit plates at KTV. Anyway, I can't sleep, so I have more time than others."
Zhuang Yongyuan stroked Xie Kang's eyelids and continued, "Someone wants to support me, a manager."
"Did you go?"
"No, that guy is not my type."
"Do you like my type?"
"I liked it in high school." Zhuang Yongyuan paused and continued, "Look, I was doing pretty well when you were away, right?"
Xie Kang looked up and kissed Zhuang Yongyuan's damp bangs: "Zhuang Yongyuan, why haven't we always been together?"
Zhuang Yongyuan grabbed Xie Kang's hand and bit his fingertips. The skin on Xie Kang's fingertips had become very sensitive from the rough steel strings, and he shuddered when Zhuang Yongyuan bit him.
Zhuang Yongyuan said, "Shouldn't I be asking you this?"
He put Xie Kang's fingers into his mouth, holding his former guitarist in his mouth, sucking them in the same way he had done before. The cold winter wind came in through the crack in the door, whistling sharply, covering up the sticky sound of water.
Xie Kang desperately wanted a compelling reason to explain his departure, a reason he had to give up. He hoped he was forced to do so, like the band was already at odds or his family was threatening him with their lives. But none of these reasons existed.
He begged Zhuang Yongyuan to question him, hoping he could finally find out the answer today, and understand himself. But Zhuang Yongyuan didn't. He just kept caressing and kissing him, as if he was also avoiding something.
As naturally as the Yanjiang River had been flowing through Pingnan for hundreds of years, they broke into a hotel near the school, a five-star chain, as if deliberately to highlight the difference from the cheap highway hotel they hurriedly stayed in when they had their first relationship at the age of eighteen.
There was no time to buy condoms, so Zhuang Yongyuan spread his limbs, lay on the bed, and looked up at Xie Kang who was demanding his pleasure from him.
Xie Kang's usual elegance was gone, and his actions were filled with the most primitive rudeness and curiosity. Zhuang Yongyuan thought of sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, and then nineteen, the ages they had crossed but Li Xiuyu had not successfully crossed.
Why, after all the lessons he'd taken, after hearing countless lessons from people older than him—grocery store owners, hardware store clerks, even the aunties selling maltose—never had anyone taught him what to do when a childhood friend died in his hometown? What to do when he lost control, wondering over and over again if he should have made the same choice long ago?
Zhuang Yongyuan didn't know what Xie Kang and Du Jiahao were thinking, but he asked himself countless times, was Li Xiuyu's path the right one? Li Xiuyu was older and smarter than them. He'd learned the equipment Xu Zhen had bought first, then taught Zhuang Yongyuan. Zhuang Yongyuan still often relied on what Li Xiuyu had taught him. Could it be that such a person had foreseen the future, foreseen everyone's dilemma, Xie Kang's reluctance, Du Jiahao's evasion, his own helplessness, and therefore made the right choice before them?
He didn't know when he'd lost his roots. Was it the moment Xie Kang left him? Or was it even earlier, when he'd heard his parents repeatedly tell him they regretted having him, when Yan Xu openly mocked him for being gay, or when his band gained popularity, when he saw the long line at the Livehouse for Lily Heart, when he stood on stage unable to speak, when his mind was blank in the studio, unable to write anything, when he'd been sweating profusely?
A drop of sweat gathered on Xie Kang's chin. Before it fell on his face, Zhuang Yongyuan reached out and wiped it away.
His consciousness was occupied by physical pleasure, but there was still a small gap. Zhuang Yongyuan looked at Xie Kang's face, his facial features, and the lines on his face, and his heart suddenly skipped a beat.
That day, after his failed attempt to hang himself at home, he fell dizzy and opened his eyes dazedly, only to see Xie Kang from the same angle. Xie Kang's appearance hadn't changed much. For a moment, Zhuang Yongyuan thought he had passed away, and the Xie Kang before him was just a passing moment in a revolving lantern.
Zhuang Yongyuan figured out why he returned to Pingnan.
He wanted Xie Kang to save him again, like he had in high school, pulling him out of a difficult situation. Xie Kang had indeed saved him. He had been in a terrible state that night. If Xie Kang hadn't shown up, he wouldn't have let him go. He wouldn't have survived that night. Zhuang Yongyuan still felt terrified when he thought about it.
But that was all he could do. He was no longer the lonely, lost high school student. He had so much he once dreamed of: friends, fans, honors. But it seemed like none of that had changed anything. How could Xie Kang, a high school teacher, save him from the state he was in now? Besides, he shouldn't rely on anyone anymore. He didn't want to go through the life he'd been through after Xie Kang left.
At this moment, Zhuang Yongyuan really wanted an answer. He wanted to know whether Li Xiuyu would regret it later.
Zhuang Yongyuan turned over, pressed Xie Kang under him, kissed his earlobe, and said, "Xie Kang, I want to see Li Xiuyu. Let's go watch Luoyin."
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Happy Dragon Boat Festival everyone qwq
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