Chapter 72 72. I can still find you among so many lonely stars
Xie Kang is gone, yet he is everywhere. Living in this house where we have lived together for four years, standing on the stage where we once performed together, Xie Kang's shadow is everywhere, and there is no way to escape it.
Zhuang Yongyuan thought he would be fine tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, next week, next month, next year. He thought he would be fine after becoming famous, rich, and finding a new lover. If someone had been shot and survived, there was no reason he couldn't survive just because he was separated from Xie Kang.
Mixiu laughed out loud: "Why are you embarrassed?"
"He's the one who doesn't want me and doesn't want to be with me, but I still miss him."
Zhuang Yongyuan lit another cigarette, but didn't smoke it. He just watched it burn quietly.
"I went back to my hometown to perform. Standing on the stage, I immediately saw him standing in the corner of the first row, with his head lowered, as if he was hiding from me, afraid of being seen. I thought he would be very angry if I saw him again, and that he would be a villain who had succeeded..."
Michaux interrupted him: "What do you mean by a villain succeeding? You are not a child."
Zhuang Yongyuan also laughed, and the rising smoke was disrupted by the air flow he exhaled when he laughed.
"What I mean by a villain succeeding is that I can show him my bank balance, my album play data, and ask him if he regrets not having the foresight back then and now can only be a teacher in his hometown?"
"On the way back home, I imagined many scenarios, thinking about how I would laugh at him if I met him. But when I saw him on the stage, I forgot everything I had thought about on the way. I..."
Zhuang Yongyuan sobbed again, laughing and crying at the same time, as if he was crying tears of joy. "I'm so happy. I was so happy when I saw him. I was so uncomfortable before going on stage and had to take medicine to go on stage, but as soon as I saw him, I felt better again. I'm rarely so happy."
"Only happy?"
"He looked unhappy. I didn't like that. He wasn't like that before. Before, even if he just stood in a crowd, everyone would notice him."
Michaux touched his face and said, "Me too."
"Yeah, you too. This is Shanghai. There are many people better than him."
Michel lifted the blanket covering his body, lifted up his shirt and the vest underneath, revealing his beautiful and firm abdominal muscles.
"Come and touch the Shanghai specialties." He invited.
Zhuang Yongyuan actually pressed his hand against it, and it was a hard, cold mass. While in Pingnan recently, Zhuang Yongyuan had woken up several times in the morning to find himself pressed against Xie Kang, just like before, his limbs wrapped around his waist and legs.
When they were in college, Xie Kang once said sleepily that he looked like an octopus. Zhuang Yongyuan was so angry that he immediately retracted his hands and feet and slept with his back to Xie Kang. He ignored him all morning and felt a little regretful during class in the afternoon. He shouldn't have lost his temper over such a small matter. As a result, when he returned home after class, Zhuang Yongyuan saw a plate of blanched octopus on the table as soon as he opened the door.
Zhuang Yongyuan praised Mi Xiu a few words and continued watching TV. The room was lit up for a while and then darkened again.
The detective on the screen drank some delicious coffee and uttered a curse word. Zhuang Yongyuan felt thirsty after seeing this and wanted to open another bottle of beer, but the table was littered with empty bottles.
Mi Xiu noticed his movements and rummaged through the refrigerator for a while. Zhuang Yongyuan heard him turn on the kitchen stove and the familiar aroma of fast food wafted over. He remembered the food and drinks he had eaten in Pingnan. Although they were clearly food from home, the smell was unfamiliar to Zhuang Yongyuan.
Michel returned with two plates of pasta and a bottle of limoncello. He had brought the limoncello back from Italy as a gift for Zhuang Yongyuan, but the pasta was instant food from the supermarket, a box of noodles with a box of sauce. Simply boil the noodles, stir in the sauce, and you're done.
Zhuang Yongyuan used the provided plastic fork to pick up a hollow noodle and ate it. He asked Michel, "As someone who grew up in Italy, shouldn't you hate this kind of inauthentic pasta?"
Mixiu shrugged: "Isn't it the same what you eat?"
"He's very particular about what he eats and rarely eats fast food. Maybe kids from wealthy families are like that."
"Why do I feel so bad when I see him having a hard time? Shouldn't I be proud when I see someone I hate living like this? I had a hard time when he first passed away."
Zhuang Yongyuan looked up, took a deep breath, and fought back tears. A single hollow noodle wasn't enough to fill him up, but a plate of it would fill him to the point of nausea, completely losing the feeling of hunger. So why, even with new friends and a new partner, did his heart still feel empty?
Love, he wanted to be loved. Zhuang Yongyuan usually felt ashamed to even think about this thought, but today he indulged himself. Being with Xie Kang felt like being loved, a love that was generous and generous, like a buffet where you could eat whatever you wanted without worrying about being full. There were many people who loved him, but they were like the snacks and cold dishes placed on the table before dinner, pleasing the mouth but fleeting. He envied Michel, who could fill himself up with snacks.
Why was Xie Kang the only one who could satisfy him? Was it because he was the only one who could penetrate so deeply?
Mixiu asked again: "Didn't you go back to look for him? How is he now?"
"He actually still remembers how to play the piano... How can he still be the same? He said he wants to leave and doesn't want to stay in Pingnan anymore."
"Then bring him to Shanghai." Michel said, shaking his head, satisfied with the meal.
"He said in high school that he didn't want to stay in Pingnan, and he just went back when he said he would?"
Zhuang Yongyuan unconsciously exerted force with his fork, breaking a hollow noodle. The noodles had an industrial aroma, and Zhuang Yongyuan, after inhaling it repeatedly, suddenly felt nauseous. He swallowed hard, trying not to vomit.
After eating, Michel fell asleep, lying on the sofa and breathing evenly.
Zhuang Yongyuan didn't wake him up, and then asked him, "If I weren't famous, would he still want to come to Shanghai with me?"
Michaux turned over.
"When I was in Pingnan, I asked him to pick me up from get off work every day. Sometimes there was traffic jam and he was late for a long time. I was very scared when I was waiting for him."
"I'm afraid he'll be like before, leaving without saying anything and thinking I'm annoying. He was fine before. I know he was stuck in traffic, but I'm still scared. I don't want to live that kind of life. I want to get up at 8 o'clock every morning, eat three meals a day on time, and only smoke and drink a little. Work hard, release an album every two years, and tour the country. I will have another boyfriend. We have compatible personalities and are good in bed. We will have a cat and a dog, travel around the world, and have a thick Polaroid album. When we are in our thirties and get married abroad, he will take me to meet his parents and show me his childhood photos. If I can find my mother by then, I will take him to meet her too."
"How do you like this? You never have to worry about being abandoned, and you never have to wonder when he started not wanting to be with you."
Mi Xiu picked up the blanket and covered his face. Zhuang Yongyuan wiped the tears from his face, stumbled into the bathroom, and sat on the toilet.
He looked at the sink. He and Xie Kang had done that many times. Xie Kang liked to make him face the mirror, and would even maliciously pry open Zhuang Yongyuan's eyes so that he could look at the fallen and unfamiliar self in the mirror.
Today's mirror reflects the stingy windows, which are closed and cannot see what's outside.
Zhuang Yongyuan looked in the mirror and entertained himself.
He remembered the smell, the slight pain of his calf rubbing against the edge of the sink, but he didn't care. Xie Kang's face flickered in and out of view in the mirror beside him. Xie Kang tried to control himself, his body shuddering violently, his neck tilting back and falling heavily onto Zhuang Yongyuan's shoulder, nibbling and kissing him like a puppy.
Zhuang Yongyuan was thinking about Xie Kang's raised chin and was distracted for a moment, without time to take out a tissue to wipe off the liquid.
He let out a long breath, put on his pants that had been kicked up to his ankles unconsciously, and cleaned up the mess on the ground. Halfway through, he leaned against the wall and took out his cell phone.
The dialog box with Xie Kang was pushed down by the mess of messages. Zhuang Yongyuan flipped through it for a while before he found the last message. Xie Kang asked him if he wanted to go out together to buy a bottle of water and get some fresh air at a late-night snack party after a campus performance.
The smell in the bathroom lingered, the stench of a single person. Zhuang Yongyuan opened the air vent, and the wind blew in tiny wisps of drizzle, drifting across his face.
He lay on the windowsill, stretched his head out to breathe the fishy smell of rain, opened his eyes and saw the bright star again.
The sky was filled with stars tonight, and one star stood out particularly brightly. Xie Kang noticed it as soon as he looked up.
It was very late at night, and the last card game on Kaiping Street had ended. Xie Kang sat on the steps in front of Zhenbao Barber Shop. The surroundings were silent, as if he was the only living thing left in the world.
The door to Zhenbao Barber Shop was shut, a brand new lock on the door. Xie Kang had searched under the rotten flowerpot nearby, but this time Zhuang Yongyuan hadn't hidden the key under the flowerpot, nor on the windowsill.
Behind the brown glass on the second floor, no one was playing the piano. They were singing "Too Smart" with careful enunciation.
Xie Kang started smoking, but then smoking became boring, so he sat motionless on the steps, staring at the bright star. As daylight dawned, the star dimmed. Over the course of a night, the star moved from its initial position near the utility pole to the lightning rod on the nearby house.
Xie Kang stood up and brushed off the dust on his legs. Perhaps it was because of the cold wind all night or because he had maintained the same posture for too long, but his joints and muscles were stiff and it was difficult for him to move.
He had just taken a few steps when he heard the sound of footsteps behind him. Before he turned around to see who it was, the person called him.
"Teacher Xie, is that you, Teacher Xie?"
Xie Kang turned around and saw a short middle-aged woman in front of him. She was wearing a pair of bright red wedge-heeled leather shoes, and her thick fleece stockings had thick folds at her ankles.
Xie Kang recognized her as Zhuang Yongyuan's mother from the similarities on her face.
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