Chapter 11
"Uh-huh..." Even in their sleep, felines are very alert. By the time my clever brain processed this uncomfortable groan, my arm was firmly pressed against my brother's chest.
Her body, like a little white rice cake, bounced up and down beneath me.
But if I made him uncomfortable, then I'd be malicious. So when I heard the sound, I pretended not to hear it, stretched my arm out even longer, and used that little bent part of my arm to let my brother breathe.
Naturally, I would also get closer to him, even tighter.
Well, there's nothing I can do about it. I'm asleep right now, and when I wake up, we'll both ignore each other again.
"Su Yu." The powerful, clear voice rang in my ears like thunder, or like a stone thrown into a calm lake with the smallest ripples.
I pulled my arm back, then "unconsciously" turned to my side to sleep on the other side, and finally turned around to get far away from my brother.
...
How embarrassing.
I was woken up by the urge to urinate again.
I wearily opened my eyes. Sunlight streamed in through the gaps in the curtains. The bed was so warm that I didn't want to get out. Hesitating and struggling, I changed from lying down to sitting up, and then from sitting to squatting.
For a moment, I completely forgot that the other half of the bed, which I had been renting out for a long time, was occupied, and the blanket covering my brother traced the curves of his body.
I wanted to see my brother's sleeping face, so I got out of bed.
After clearing the area, I pushed open the door, deliberately wearing my glasses which I don't usually wear, and squinted to see more clearly.
nice.
Satisfied, I went back to bed and continued sleeping.
I think I slept for about an hour longer; anyway, I was woken up by the aroma of my mom cooking. I stretched with all my might and let my hand fall naturally to the side.
Empty.
I scrolled up and down again.
It is indeed empty.
I opened my eyes, waking up on the day my brother left me. In this life, I will…
"Su Yu! Do you have any places you'd like to go on our family trip during the Chinese New Year?"
"Come out and eat, it's getting cold!"
I was still pondering the previous sentence when the next order came. Usually, when my mom says something like that, it means there's one dish that's not ready yet.
I grabbed a pair of pants and put them on haphazardly, then grabbed a jacket from the table and put it on. There was a small rectangular block that was hard to miss.
I leaned closer to take a look, and lo and behold, it was my brother's phone, and the screen was still lit up.
I quickly poked him a couple more times to see what my brother was doing. Great, he's taking a shower; he won't be out for ages.
Once I closed the door, I felt a surge of excitement, like someone who had stolen the most valuable jewel. But when I carefully picked it up, I found myself unsure of what to look at.
WeChat? I opened it, pinned it... but it only showed his own name.
He doesn't post much on his WeChat Moments, and the pinned posts are all his few handsome photos.
Other software isn't very fun either, so fine, we're even, I don't blame him anymore.
"Let's eat." The crisp sound of my knuckles knocking on the door was accompanied by my brother's loving concern. He had one hand behind his back, and after knocking, he also put the other hand behind his back. He only tilted his head to look at me when he saw that I had noticed him.
"Hmm." I wasn't even sure if I heard myself say "hmm," but anyway, my brother went to eat.
I finished my meal peacefully and spent the holiday peacefully. When my dad dropped us off, my brother and I each carried our own bags, which made me a little uncomfortable, but I didn't say anything.
We arrived at school in silence, and then silently went to play with our respective classmates.
"Did you see this?" Cowen opened a picture in the chat history. The picture was dark, but you could make out the figures of two men leaning against a tree, very close to each other.
"What does that mean?"
"From our school." Seeing that I was still out of it, Ke Wen showed me the text below and told me to read it myself.
Holy crap!
"Yeah, I see!"
That's when I noticed that the usually scattered crowd had gathered in circles today, and unsurprisingly, they were all discussing this matter.
Even Su Yu joined in the gossip.
Then I thought of his name again.
Desire, desire.
"Lolita, I am... I am the fire of desire. My sin, my soul."
I don't approve of the love depicted in this book; it's abnormal and off track.
But I acknowledge human desires, and only then did I realize that there was a bundle of wildly growing withered branches and rotten leaves in my heart, which had been taking deep root in my heart and flesh.
It will inevitably cause me so much pain that I can't breathe one day, but when I try to uproot it, I find that I am also in excruciating pain.
When did it start?
Was it that single drop of water that stirred up a thousand waves? Or something I had never noticed before?
Until the annoying noise of others' chatter could no longer reach my ears, my vision became incredibly blurry that day, and only Su Yu's back was vividly clear. I wanted him to turn around, turn around, and look at me with that face.
I wanted to strangle him, to leave my handprint on his face, to see what emotions would appear in his dark pupils, and to wonder if his bleeding lips would smile like they do now.
I'm crazy.
What I saw was Xiaoxing's face.
How could that heavily made-up face look like my brother?
Yeah, from the first moment I saw Xiaoxing, I felt he looked like my brother, like Su Yu.
He resembles "Su Yu," not my brother. I can see the thoughts of love in Xiao Xing's eyes. Xiao Xing once told me that his eyes are beautiful because he wears colored contact lenses.
I believe him because I've never seen such infatuation in Su Yu's eyes when she wasn't wearing colored contact lenses.
Who is it? Su Yu or Xiao Xing? I can't tell.
"Are you fucking blind?! Damn it!"
The profanities traveled through the crowd to me, and many people stopped talking, including me, and looked in that direction.
Su Yu was pushed, and without thinking, I rushed over.
But I saw it, I saw it... I saw Chen Tianmo pull him up and protect him behind him, then punch the person who pushed my brother.
Then, several boys surrounded my brother and started punching and kicking the man.
This reminds me of something my brother went through before, I think so, but I can't remember exactly.
But this time he was surrounded by people, and I was standing outside, unable to get in. I felt someone push me from behind, and when I turned around, I saw Qiu Jiajia. She used her newly bought clothesline pole to poke my backpack, pushing me closer to my brother.
Chen Tianmo was next to my brother, wiping the dirt off his clothes and giving him tissues to wipe his face and head.
"Shouldn't I have been doing these things?"
A little voice inside me is asking me a question, and I don't know how to answer it. Of course, it's me, because I'm his brother. But it doesn't have to be me; he already has someone else by his side.
"Can they be compared to your relationship with him?"
cannot.
"He's yours?"
elder brother.
I walked over, and Su Yu looked up at me. Tears or something else had wet his eyelashes. His usually long and thick eyelashes were now divided into several clumps, and his lower eyelashes were also wet, clinging to his eyelids.
But I didn't see sadness in his eyes. Instead, I saw something...? I can't quite put my finger on it, but it was different from a few years ago.
My brother grabbed Chen Tianmo's clothes and pretended to blow his nose, but when he saw that Chen Tianmo didn't refuse and just kept his eyes closed while he did it, he suddenly burst into laughter through his tears.
People around us started to cheer, as if we were watching a newlywed couple. It was strange; a barrier had formed between us, but I had only just dared to face these things.
You can't treat me like this.
Su Yu hid in Chen Tianmo's arms, peeking out at me with her eyes open; he was smiling.
As the noise subsided, people turned their attention back to their own business. Ke Wen pulled me to look at the dancing beauties on his phone, jumping around excitedly like a monkey.
Finally, the gate opened, and we followed the crowded line to the front, then took different routes back to the same dormitory. Chen Tianmo helped my brother carry his luggage.
This guy really angered me.
When I got to the dorm, I thought I would see them happily unpacking their things. Chen Tianmo wasn't in our dorm, but he would definitely come! He would definitely come!
I pushed open the door, but no one was there.
Only my brother's bag was placed in front of my bed—no, to be precise, it was placed under the ladder he was facing when he climbed up to the top bunk.
Where did it go? I don't know. I stuffed the clothes into the closet and the snacks into the box. Then I looked at the contraband that my brother had asked me to put away, and it was still lying there obediently.
I went to class with my backpack, but I don't understand why there were so many people here so early today. When have I ever seen this group of people so eager to return to school? Every time, they have to ask for leave from more than a dozen people.
I went to the restroom, which was next to the stairwell. Just as I went in, two people walked past, chatting and laughing. I won't name them.
"Hey bro, you've been getting pretty close to my brother lately, haven't you?"
"Yes, your brother is the class representative for Chinese, so we'll talk more about him."
"Why haven't I seen you chatting with that female class representative more?"
"Isn't that Xiaoxue there?^^"
...
He makes a good point.
During evening self-study, Su Yu came again. Before I could even get up, Chen Tianmo jumped out first and, taking advantage of his location, flashed to the door.
Hmph, does that mean you'll go wherever someone asks you to?
Then they chatted for a bit, and then my brother nodded, smiled, waved goodbye, and left.
Chen Tianmo was so energetic that it made me furious.
I can't take it anymore!
After evening self-study, I rushed straight to my brother's classroom door, thinking he would ignore me. But to my surprise, he was already leaning against the door, essentially watching how I ran over.
"What's wrong?"
On the contrary, I think he handled it with ease.
"I need to pee."
"?"
"Do I have to tell you when I need to use the restroom?"
"I don't."
"Go."
"..."
I didn't pee a single drop in the toilet, and I even caught Ke Wen puffing away. I'll take over that bastard's fireworks storehouse for myself sooner or later.
When I came out, the entire line had already gone downstairs. I went down one floor and saw my brother waiting for me there.
"It stinks."
"I didn't pee!"
Su Yu left behind such a harsh comment, and I argued with him as we chased after him, then went back together as if everything had happened.
I'm not sure about my brother's feelings for me. Maybe it's just brotherly love, but what if, what if, what if!
I don't dare to think about it too much when the time comes. Even if it were true, we couldn't afford the consequences. I can't let my brother suffer. But if we think too far ahead, we won't go that far.
Perhaps it was God's reward that I was made his younger brother, and it was a blessing that I met this kind couple. I dare not ask for so much, but this relationship has undoubtedly become a shackle.
After the lights were turned off, I couldn't fall asleep for a long time. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw my brother and I doing something indecent. Every time I opened my eyes, I was faced with the confusion of reality and the boredom of the bed.
Maybe in the future... no, I should say I'll have a normal life, truly treat Su Yu as my brother, find a girl and have a serious relationship with her, and get married and have children with everyone's blessings.
...
well.
I can't do it. At least not right now. I can't face my life and relationships with that mindset. But I still hope...
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