Chapter 79
I kept my eyes open until dawn. Today is Tuesday, a weekday, but I couldn't muster the energy to get out of bed.
After asking for leave from my boss, I sat down at my computer. Typing used to calm my mind, but today, I couldn't do a single word. For two hours, I stared at the blank Word document, my mind reeling over yesterday's events.
Just for a moment, just like that, I felt love and sadness.
My parents are not well educated, but they gave me everything they could and tolerated my willfulness and innocence. I suddenly seemed to understand that they urged me to find a partner not because they thought I was too old, but because they were afraid that after they were gone, no one would take care of me.
But when I had someone I liked, when I was immersed in self-depression and madness, they had already noticed something from the clues.
Really, I have never felt so much care from my parents. Maybe I used to take their care for granted. When I was sad, they might be even sadder.
When I realized this, I was so sad. I was sad about my own sadness and their sadness. What was even sadder was that it was like this, and I still couldn't figure it out.
Why do I like him and why does he not like me? I study these two questions like a philosophical topic.
"Prepare a blank sheet of paper, then use the critical eye to find his flaws, then magnify them. In the end, I believe that if a man cannot belong to me, no matter how outstanding he is, it is useless. I have to be very cruel and delete him."
“Even shadows will leave when it rains, let alone people, especially those who have never belonged to you.”
"I went through this when I was in college. I liked him, but he didn't like me. I figured it out. When I gave up, it hurt, deep down. But I knew it wasn't because I was bad, it was because I was in the wrong order."
I scrolled through the replies from my friends one by one, and finally opened the blank paper, but found that I couldn't write anything about him.
I can't draw him in profile at all.
I ended up writing down all the good things I could think of about him and then crossing them out one by one.
I curled up and hid in the quilt.
I was thinking while flipping through the chat history again and again.
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