trauma
On a weekend morning, the sky was gray and hazy. Fine snowflakes drifted silently, coating everything outside the window with a soft layer of white. The room was heated to full blast, a warm and cozy place, a world away from Lin Xiyan's previous rental apartment, which had never been warm at all.
He was still curled up in the soft quilt, with only half of his face exposed, breathing evenly, sound asleep. Bai Yantuan was lying on his pillow, also sprawled out in a deep sleep.
Jiang Yibai had woken up long ago. He didn't disturb Lin Xiyan, but just lay on his side and watched quietly. After watching for a long time, he reached out and lightly touched Lin Xiyan's exposed eyelashes with his fingertips.
"Xiyan," he lowered his voice, his voice hoarse from just waking up, "it's time to get up."
Lin Xiyan's eyelids twitched, but she didn't wake up. Instead, she unconsciously shrank back into the quilt.
Jiang Yibai's eyes were filled with a smile, and he was full of patience. He leaned over, leaned close to Lin Xiyan's ear, and whispered, "Be good, get up. We agreed to go out today."
A warm breath brushed past her earlobes, and Lin Xiyan finally opened her eyes drowsily. Her amber eyes were filled with sleepiness and moisture. She looked blankly at Jiang Yibai who was so close to her, with the look of a lost little animal.
"...Cold." He muttered subconsciously, his voice soft and nasal, still sleepy.
"I know it's cold." Jiang Yibai was so soft-hearted that he ruffled his hair. "That's why I prepared something thick for you. Get up and put on some clothes, okay?"
Lin Xiyan slowly sat up, rubbed his eyes, and looked out the window at the falling snowflakes, his gaze still a little vacant. Weekend... going out? He vaguely remembered Jiang Yibai mentioning it a few days ago, with Lu Panji and the others... but he hadn't asked where exactly, nor did he take it too seriously.
Jiang Yibai had already gotten out of bed and took out the clothes he had prepared long ago from the closet. They were not Lin Xiyan's old clothes that had been washed white, but new ones that looked very thick.
A thick, soft cashmere sweater, a pair of fleece-lined trousers, and a long down jacket that looked incredibly warm, with a thick fur collar on the hood.
"Wear these." Jiang Yibai brought the clothes over and placed them beside the bed. Then he squatted down and took out a new shoe box from under the bed. Inside was a pair of non-slip and warm snow boots. "Change your shoes into these too."
Lin Xiyan was stunned as he looked at the pile of brand new, expensive-looking clothes. He pursed his lips, his fingers unconsciously tugging at the corner of the quilt: "...I have some."
He was referring to his own old clothes.
"Those aren't warm." Jiang Yibai said naturally, picking up the sweater. "It's cold outside today, below zero. Be good and wear this, or you'll catch a cold."
As he spoke, he naturally reached out to help Lin Xiyan take off her pajamas.
Lin Xiyan's face flushed, and he subconsciously shrank back and took the sweater: "...I can do it myself."
Jiang Yibai didn't insist, and just stood by the bed and looked at him: "Hurry up and put on your clothes, don't catch a cold."
Lin Xiyan rustled under the covers, changing into his sweater and pants. The material was indeed incredibly soft and warm, comfortable against his skin. Then he got out of bed and pulled on his down jacket. It was so large, it practically enveloped him completely. The fur collar rubbed against his chin, feeling soft and fluffy.
Jiang Yibai looked him up and down, nodded with satisfaction, "Looks good." Then he squatted down, picked up his snow boots, and said, "Lift your feet."
Lin Xiyan was a little embarrassed, but she still held Jiang Yibai's shoulders, lifted her feet, and asked him to help her put on her shoes. Jiang Yibai tied his shoelaces very seriously.
All dressed, Lin Xiyan felt like a tightly wrapped ball, her movements a bit clumsy. But she wasn't cold at all; instead, she felt slightly warm.
Jiang Yibai also quickly put on his coat and scarf. Then he picked up a thick, gray cashmere scarf and carefully wrapped it around Lin Xiyan, covering most of her face and revealing only a pair of clear yet somewhat confused eyes.
"Okay." Jiang Yibai looked at it carefully and couldn't help laughing. "It looks like a little snow bear."
He took Lin Xiyan's hand. He was wearing gloves, so his perception wasn't sharp, but he could still hold it. "Let's go. They must be getting impatient."
Going downstairs and out the door, a cold wind mixed with snowflakes immediately hit him in the face. Lin Xiyan subconsciously shrank his neck, but the scarf and hat protected him well, and only a little bit of the cold air entered his nose.
The car Jiang Yibai had called had already arrived. He opened the door and got in. The heater was on full blast, a stark contrast to the cold outside.
The car started slowly and drove towards the city.
Lin Xiyan quietly watched the snowy scene passing by outside the window. The city, blanketed in white, seemed quiet and unfamiliar. He rarely went out in the winter, especially on snowy days. It was too cold, and there was no need to go out.
As he looked, he suddenly felt that the scenery outside the window looked familiar. The further he drove, the more distinct the vague sense of unease became.
Until the car turned a corner, a place with a huge colorful sign in the distance that was still conspicuous even in the snow came into view - the amusement park.
Lin Xiyan's breathing suddenly stopped.
My heart felt like it was being suddenly gripped by an icy hand, and my blood seemed to freeze in an instant. Those cold, hopeless fragments of memories, deliberately forgotten and buried deep within my heart, rushed back to me.
It was winter, and snowing. The woman took his hand and brought him here. She bought him a cheap marshmallow and stuffed it into his hand. Her tone was unusually gentle: "Yanyan, wait for me here. I'll buy you something delicious and be back soon."
He believed it. He stood obediently under the giant, smiling cartoon doll, holding the nearly melted marshmallow in his hand, watching her figure disappear in the flying snow and the crowd.
I waited for a long, long time. The marshmallows had long since melted, clinging to my gloves, sticky and sticky. My feet were frozen, my nose red from the cold. It was almost dark, and the lights around me were turning on, but the laughter and joy seemed so far away.
She never came back.
Finally, a uniformed police officer squatted down and asked him where his home was. He was so frightened he couldn't speak, only crying. He was taken to the police station, where he waited even longer before the woman reluctantly appeared, her face filled with annoyance and resentment, blaming him for running around and causing trouble for the police...
Lin Xiyan was instantly overwhelmed by a cold fear and the absurd feeling of abandonment. His face suddenly turned pale, even paler than the snow outside the window. His body began to tremble uncontrollably, his fingers icy cold, and even through his gloves, he couldn't feel a trace of warmth. He abruptly turned his gaze away, not daring to look in that direction again, his breathing becoming rapid and shallow.
Jiang Yibai had been keeping an eye on him. He noticed the change in Lin Xiyan's expression almost instantly. His heart tightened, and he immediately reached out and tightly grasped Lin Xiyan's cold, stiff hand.
"Xiyan?" He lowered his voice very softly, "Look at me."
Lin Xiyan seemed not to hear it. He stared blankly at a certain point in the car, and his body shook even more violently.
"Xiyan," Jiang Yibai squeezed his hand firmly, leaned over, and held his face with his other hand, forcing him to turn and look at him. "It's me. Jiang Yibai. Look at me."
His voice had a strange soothing power, and his eyes were focused and firm, firmly locking onto Lin Xiyan's panicked gaze.
Lin Xiyan's pupils narrowed slightly, reflecting Jiang Yibai's worried face. He opened his mouth, but no sound came out, only rapid gasps.
"Don't be afraid." Jiang Yibai gently stroked his cheek with his thumb. Even through the gloves, the action was full of comfort. "It's okay. I'm here. I won't abandon you."
He repeated "I'm here" and "I won't leave you" in a steady and certain tone.
"Breathe, Xiyan, breathe with me." Jiang Yibai slowed down his breathing and guided him, "Slow down, inhale - exhale -"
Lin Xiyan, like a drowning person grabbing a piece of driftwood, unconsciously followed his rhythm, trying to regulate her breathing. The cold fear was still there, but the warmth of Jiang Yibai's palm (even through the gloves) and the steady voice were like a barrier, temporarily isolating the surging memories.
The driver in front seemed to glance in the rearview mirror but said nothing.
Jiang Yibai kept looking at Lin Xiyan, neither looking away nor loosening his grip. He didn't breathe a sigh of relief until he felt the trembling under his palm subside a little, and Lin Xiyan's breathing became less fragmented. However, his heart tightened even more.
He knew what this place meant to Lin Xiyan. He knew how deep the scar was. He had brought him here today not to intentionally open it, but to… cover it.
Cover up the cold and painful past with new, warm memories that belong to them.
But this takes time and requires a lot of patience and caution.
"Let's not go there." Jiang Yibai's voice became softer. He looked at Lin Xiyan's still pale face and changed his mind. "Let's go somewhere else. Where do you want to go? Hmm? To the movies? Or to the library? Or go home?"
He gives all the safe options.
Lin Xiyan stared at him blankly, her eyelashes still stained with the moisture of her earlier excitement. He understood Jiang Yibai's words. He saw that Jiang Yibai's original plan might be to go to the amusement park, for... what Lu Panji and the others had meant by "going out to play"?
But now, because of his gaffe, Jiang Yibai had no hesitation in canceling the plan.
He... had screwed up again. Because of the lingering past, he ruined everyone's fun.
A strong sense of self-blame and shame surged up in him. He subconsciously lowered his head and said in a barely audible voice: "...I'm sorry."
"What are you apologizing for?" Jiang Yibai felt a pang in his heart. He loosened his hands that were holding his face, and instead wrapped his cold hands with both of his own, rubbing them gently. "You're not wrong. I didn't think it through."
He paused and looked at Lin Xiyan's lowered head. The brim of his furry hat obscured his expression, but the air of depression and self-loathing was almost visible to the naked eye.
Jiang Yibai was silent for a few seconds, then suddenly asked in a very light, tentative and coaxing tone:
"Or...Xiyan, do you believe me?"
Lin Xiyan raised her head, her eyes a little red, and looked at him blankly.
Jiang Yibai looked him straight in the eyes, his tone more serious than ever before: "Just trust me this once. Today is different. I promise, I will always hold your hand and will never let go. I won't leave you alone for even a minute."
"Let's not think about the past. Just today, right now. Let's go ride the carousel, or just go in and look at the snow and buy a cup of hot milk tea. If you feel even a little bit uncomfortable, we'll come out immediately. Okay?"
His voice was low and steady, carrying an irresistible sincerity and conviction. His purple eyes reflected the small, pale Lin Xiyan, filled with pure protection and commitment.
"Try to...connect this place to me, okay?"
Not with cold abandonment, but with warm, tightly held hands and the promise of not leaving.
Lin Xiyan looked at him, her heart still beating rapidly due to the residual fear, but another weak, unfamiliar emotion was trying to break through the ice and emerge.
Do you believe him?
He nodded very lightly, almost instinctively.
Jiang Yibai's eyes were instantly filled with stars. He smiled and squeezed Lin Xiyan's hand tightly: "Okay."
The car stopped in a parking lot near the amusement park.
Jiang Yibai got out of the car first, then walked around to the other side and opened the door for Lin Xiyan. The wind and snow immediately rushed over, but this time, Lin Xiyan looked at the hand that Jiang Yibai extended, hesitated for a moment, and finally put his hand on it.
Jiang Yibai held him tightly, pulled him to his side, almost half-protecting him in his arms, and used his body to block the wind for him.
"If you're cold, come closer to me," he said.
Lu Panji and He Yunling were already waiting at the door. When they saw them, they immediately ran over.
"Oh my god, you two are so slow... Hey? Xiyan, what's wrong with you? Your face is so pale? Are you cold?" Lu Panji asked casually.
He Yunling was more careful. He took a look at Lin Xiyan's condition and Jiang Yibai's protective posture. He probably guessed something and nudged Lu Panji with his elbow: "You're the only one who talks too much. Go in quickly. It's freezing."
Jiang Yibai didn't explain much, but just said to Lin Xiyan: "Look, they are both here too. We are a lot of people today, so we won't get separated."
Lin Xiyan looked at the noisy Lu Panji and the smiling He Yunling, and felt the force of her right hand being tightly grasped. Her anxious heart seemed to really calm down a little.
The snowflakes were still falling, cheerful music was playing in the amusement park, and colorful lights were flashing in the snow.
Jiang Yibai didn't rush to pull him to play any projects, but just held his hand and walked forward slowly.
"Are you cold? Would you like something hot to drink?"
Lin Xiyan shook his head slightly, gazing timidly around. Everything was different from the cold afternoon in his hazy memory. The colorful castle, the trees draped with snowflakes, the children running by with smiles... and the hand beside him, tightly grasping his.
"Look over there," Jiang Yibai pointed to a small stall not far away that sold luminous headdresses, "I'll buy you a pair of deer antlers? The kind that light up."
Lu Panji immediately started to cheer: "I want rabbit ears!"
He Yunling: "...Are you childish?"
Jiang Yibai really pulled Lin Xiyan over, picked out a soft, luminous headband with brown deer antlers, carefully placed it on Lin Xiyan's hat, and flipped the switch. A warm yellow halo lit up, illuminating his fair face and slightly surprised eyes.
"It looks good." Jiang Yibai said with a smile, his eyes gentle.
Then he got himself a pair of black devil horns and put them on. He also bought rabbit ears for the noisy Lu Panji and gave a simple star hairpin to the helpless He Yunling.
Four shiny headdresses of different styles put together look a bit silly, yet inexplicably harmonious.
Lu Panji held up her phone and insisted on taking a selfie. Jiang Yibai cooperated, putting his arm around Lin Xiyan's shoulders and making a "yeah" sign to the camera. Lin Xiyan's body was still a little stiff, but in Jiang Yibai's arms, looking at the camera with her glowing antlers and her smiling friends around her, the cold feeling of isolation seemed to be dispelled a little bit.
"Come on, I'll take you on that one." Jiang Yibai pointed to a giant Ferris wheel that was slowly spinning and covered in colorful lights and snowflakes. "That one isn't scary. Just enjoy the scenery."
He never let go of Lin Xiyan's hand.
They lined up and boarded the carriage. They were alone in the small space, the two of them. The door closed, shutting out the clamor outside. The carriage slowly rose, the scenery on the ground gradually becoming smaller, and the entire snow-covered amusement park spread out beneath their feet.
Lin Xiyan nervously gripped the edge of the seat and looked out the window.
"Don't be afraid," Jiang Yibai sat down next to him and looked outside with him, "It's very safe. Look, the snow seems to be getting lighter."
The sunlight really struggled to penetrate the clouds, sprinkling on the snow, reflecting tiny rays of light.
Lin Xiyan looked at this pure and quiet world, and her heartbeat slowly calmed down.
Jiang Yibai didn't say anything, but just accompanied him quietly. When the carriage was about to reach its highest point, he suddenly spoke in a very soft voice:
"Xiyan."
Lin Xiyan turned her head to look at him.
Jiang Yibai looked at him with a serious and gentle look in his eyes: "What happened before will never happen again."
He raised their clasped hands.
"I'm here. I'll always be here."
The carriage had just risen to its highest point, and the sunlight filtered through the glass, enveloping them in warmth.
Lin Xiyan looked into those determined purple eyes, then looked down at their tightly clasped hands, where the fabric of their gloves rubbed against each other, making a subtle sound. Somewhere in the frozen corner of her heart, a tiny crack seemed to crack.
Light came in.
He shook Jiang Yibai's hand very lightly.
Outside the window, the snow has stopped falling. The sun shines on the snow, making it crystal clear.
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