Chapter 32
Have I ever lived?
Ms. Wang was stunned by her question and lost her grip on the chopsticks. The chopsticks fell off the edge of the bowl and rolled away with a clatter.
“I’m not going.” Song Yihuan held out her hand. “Give me back my ID card and medical insurance card.”
Ms. Wang quickly recovered from her shock, her anger barely contained: "You just think I interfere too much, controlling everything you do from birth to adulthood! Then blame me, blame your mother for not managing you properly, for trying to control you in vain! You can hate your mother if you want, but you can't leave me untreated!"
"That's not management, that's control! You need to halve your desire to control me to barely qualify as management!" Song Yihuan couldn't help but yell at her, "Before I turned eighteen, I couldn't even decide what color socks I wore!!! How can that be called management so easily???"
Seeing her so agitated, Ms. Wang calmed down almost instantly and said softly, "Then Mom apologizes to you. You can scold or hit me if you want, Mom will let you..."
Song Yihuan felt a jumbled mess of pain in her chest, a pain she couldn't shake off.
"Mom is too controlling...but that has nothing to do with whether you get treatment or not. You need to..."
"Is it alright?" Song Yihuan found Ms. Wang unreasonable. She cried out in grievance, "That's a hospital, not Penglai Island! Fine, even if I go to the hospital with you and cooperate with the treatment, then what? What will happen? What can happen? You've already asked about my chances of recovery, haven't you? The doctors don't even dare to guarantee one in a thousand..."
"What chances?" Ms. Wang picked up her chopsticks, regaining her resolute demeanor. "Your mother only knows that if she doesn't get treatment, there's absolutely no chance left, so she just gives up!"
Driven to the brink of collapse by her incoherent ramblings, Song Yihuan raised her hand and overturned the bowl of already ruined filling onto the ground.
Clang.
"I haven't given up!!! I want to live, I want to live, I want to live!!!" Song Yihuan shouted, seeing only the dappled starlight before her eyes. Gasping for breath, she continued, "If I go to the capital with you, all my future days will be the same, lying in a hospital bed, just like my aunt's final days, nothing but pain..."
"Song Yihuan!!" Ms. Wang couldn't help but slam her hand on the table. "Don't drag your aunt into this!"
"Why not?! Like my aunt, covered in tubes and only able to move her eyes, is she considered alive?? I'm asking you!! Is she alive?? If she could say even half a sentence, she would tell you to give up resuscitation; if she could move even one hand, she would sign the consent form herself..."
"Shut up!" Ms. Wang's voice trembled with tears. "Shut up!"
She refused to shut up and loudly questioned, "Didn't you know that Director Li confiscated all the pills I had collected?"
Ms. Wang glanced at her quickly and said, "Shut your mouth."
But Song Yihuan already knew the answer: "He couldn't possibly not tell you something this big; you were just pretending not to know. Why were you pretending not to know? You're just afraid I'll tell you why you want to die!"
"Stop talking nonsense, shut your mouth!"
Ms. Wang's face was covered with winding tear tracks, making her look almost ferocious.
"Hair loss, vomiting, pain in organs and bones, jaundice, amenorrhea..." Song Yihuan persisted despite Ms. Wang's repeated attempts to stop her, "These side effects are very difficult to endure, but I didn't object when you asked the doctor to increase the dosage and suggest aggressive treatment... But!"
Song Yihuan stretched out her hands, palms down, and brought her fingertips close to her face.
At first glance, her hands look no different from ordinary people's, but upon closer inspection, you can see that her nails are unusually thin and have an unusually soft feel, almost like skin.
“Look!!” she yelled.
One night, while she was alone in the hospital room, she was kept awake by the beeping of the machines.
She doesn't remember which or which types of medication she used that day; she only remembers feeling a lukewarm, burning pain all over her body.
It was a pain that was hard to describe. To put it abstractly, it felt like being inside the stomach of some monster, being corroded by digestive juices.
Moonlight spilled onto the floor, revealing several reflective dots, resembling fish scales or monster scales.
She slowly removed the threads from her body, and only when she got closer could she see clearly.
That's a complete nail.
Her heart and breathing stopped for a moment, then became frighteningly noisy.
She looked down at her hands.
On the left hand, only the thumb still has a nail; the other four fingers are just bare, soft nail beds, like the tentacles of some kind of mollusk.
The remaining thumbnail was sticking up, teetering on the verge of falling, but it wasn't bleeding or painful.
Amidst a complex mix of fear and bewilderment, Song Yihuan pinched her upturned nail, applying slight pressure until the nail pulled up the flesh, causing the middle of the nail bed to bulge out.
As she increased her strength, her nails began to peel off inch by inch.
Her hand only began to tremble slowly after the last bit of skin fiber broke.
despair.
The fingernail fell to the ground, as softly as a sigh.
Director Li would warn her about all the side effects in advance, but he was unaware of this particular side effect.
At that moment, Song Yihuan realized that she was a lab rat stuck on the medical boundary, hopeless and timid.
Nose, mouth, teeth...
Will these also peel off without warning, just like fingernails?
I'm scared.
I'm terrified.
Mother.
Struggling to emerge from the memories that were almost overwhelming her, her hands began to tremble again.
Song Yihuan stopped and said loudly and firmly, "I won't go."
Ms. Wang was filled with uncontrollable anger mixed with helplessness. Her back stiffened as she pointed at her: "You child!! You're so selfish! How could you be so selfish, so selfish!!!"
Song Yihuan didn't say anything.
Selfish.
Is it selfish?
To many people, she is selfish.
Doctor, future patient, Ms. Wang, Xin Xin, and...
Also, delayed combustion.
Selfish.
Song Yihuan felt all the blood rush to her head from those two words, and she let out a cold laugh.
"Aren't you selfish? Since you care so much about whether I get sick, and have controlled me like this since I was a child..."
She bit her cheek and asked in a low voice, "When you married my dad and had me, didn't you ever think that I would end up like my dad and my grandpa?"
Why did you give birth to me?
These words were the most vicious curse in the world, crashing down on Ms. Wang. She seemed frozen in that instant, her entire being still, unable to even hear her own breath.
Ms. Wang remained still for a long time, trying to open her mouth, then hurriedly closing it again, repeating this cycle like a stranded fish.
Song Yihuan's vision blurred, revealing scattered scars. She couldn't see Ms. Wang's expression clearly, but she knew she would faint if this continued, so she tried to calm her breathing.
After an unknown amount of time, Ms. Wang, as if all her strength had been drained, slumped back onto the stool.
With trembling hands, she reached out and slowly lifted her shirt, rummaging through the pockets close to her body.
Her hands just wouldn't obey her commands; it took her several attempts to pull out two thin cards.
Ms. Wang wanted to hand it to her, but after reaching out, she gave up and placed it on the table.
"Let's go." Ms. Wang wiped away her tears, seemingly exhausted. "Here's your ID card back, let's go."
Selfish.
Selfish.
Selfish!
/
Although Song Yihuan didn't know whether this was the return journey or the outbound journey, the return journey and the outbound journey were the same.
You have to transfer twice and take three separate train journeys.
The last part is on a high-speed train, where the environment is relatively better. There's no jarring noise from loudspeaker videos or crying children.
It was so quiet that the old man next to her was sleeping soundly, snoring so loudly that the back of her chair vibrated, and her left eardrum even hurt a little.
"Hello, sir."
Song Yihuan patted the old man on the shoulder twice.
Seeing that the old man didn't react, she increased her strength and her voice grew louder: "Hello!! Grandpa!! Hello—!"
"Oh!" The old man jolted and sat up blankly.
"Hello sir, I'm going out," Song Yihuan said.
The old man was a little impatient, but he still got up to give her his seat.
Song Yihuan took a few steps out, then turned back and said, "Grandpa."
"Huh?" The old man frowned at her.
“No one in the entire carriage was sleeping,” Song Yihuan said.
"What does this have to do with me? You little girl..." The old man frowned so much his eyebrows could trap a mosquito, and he grumbled.
"I mean you were snoring too loudly just now. If you've had enough sleep, let others sleep for a while."
After finishing her sentence, Song Yihuan didn't give the old man a chance to retaliate. Bathed in the grateful gazes of everyone in the carriage, she quickly walked out of the carriage.
She stood at the junction of the carriages, sitting in the attendant's seat, looking out the door.
After arguing with Ms. Wang, she grabbed her ID card and left without even packing her luggage.
However, the suitcase mostly contained gifts she brought for her family, as well as a few changes of clothes, so it didn't matter if she didn't take them.
Turning back, she met the gaze of the old man from before.
The old man was probably washing his face; he lifted the hem of his shirt to wipe the water off his face, probably trying to wake himself up.
Song Yihuan abruptly turned her head away, avoiding eye contact, as that knotted feeling in her heart surged up again.
She rarely argued with Ms. Wang because winning or losing would both be unpleasant; it was always a loss.
She checked her phone—Ms. Wang hadn't sent her a message since she stormed out.
Selfish.
She stared at her phone for a moment, then reached out and tapped into Chi Ran's chat window.
I don't talk in my sleep: [I'm going home early today, arriving around 10 PM.]
Chi Ran: "No need to reply, the erhu is already in service."
Accompanied by a photo of his hands and an erhu.
I don't talk in my sleep: [Angry.jpg]
Selfish.
She swiped aimlessly across the screen, leaning against the wall in a daze.
This is the slowest time my dream has ever taken effect.
"Twenty minutes left." Qian Yu glanced at his watch, then peeked towards the exit. "Hasn't she replied yet?"
Chi Ran leaned against the railing in the corner, fiddling with her phone. She checked again and said, "He hasn't replied yet."
"Are you sure she's on this train? We're not going to wait for nothing, are we? And this exit is so long, what if she doesn't see the message or the two of us? We'll miss her." Qian Yu leaned closer and said, "Besides, I have face blindness, and you can't see either, so why are you trying to pick her up at the station..."
"I want an ice cream cone," Chi Ran said.
"Huh? Now?" Qian Yu asked, "Where can I get an ice cream cone?"
“Now.” Chi Ran raised his hand and pointed to the KFC behind him, “the one that keeps playing ads, the original flavor ice cream cone.”
Qian Yu went out and then came back: "You're here all by yourself?"
"Mm." Chi Ran nodded.
Only after the footsteps faded into the distance did he quietly take a few deep breaths.
This person's noise is giving him a headache.
Even though it was almost 10 o'clock, the high-speed rail station was still bustling with activity.
He stood in the far corner of the arrival area, leaning against the wall, his left hand gripping the railing beside him. He swallowed hard a few times, listening to the footsteps and noisy voices coming from all directions.
He hadn't originally planned to pick him up at the station.
Besides the possibility that Qian Yu might not be able to pick him up, there are many other reasons why he wouldn't come to pick him up.
The environment made him uneasy; it was crowded, and everyone was rushing around. On his way there, he had been stomped on several times, bumped on the shoulder several times, and cursed at many times.
He hated these things he couldn't handle, and he hated even more the unease and panic they brought. This hatred almost made him want to turn around and hide at home immediately, never to come out again.
There are thousands of reasons not to pick someone up from the station, but there's only one reason to do so—
Song Yihuan.
Song Yihuan was clearly unhappy.
When they first met, Chi Ran never thought about getting to know her, but they still became familiar with each other. Later, he didn't think about kissing her, but he still impulsively kissed her.
Today was the same; I didn't plan to come pick them up, but I still came.
He clearly had a whole set of sophisticated mechanisms to avoid getting hurt, such as staying home and adopting a distant attitude when interacting with people...
Under this perfect mechanism, he carefully protected his fragile feelings.
Song Yihuan was clearly the biggest deviation from this system. By the time he realized it, she had already dismantled all his carefully constructed mechanisms and stood beside his vulnerable core.
He forcefully ripped off the collar of his turtleneck sweater and breathed heavily with unease.
"Hey! Ice cream cone." Qian Yu interrupted him, asking, "Did she reply to your message?"
"without."
Chi Ran took a bite of the ice cream cone, and the sweet, milky flavor melted in her mouth.
"Wow, so many people! They're probably getting off the train!" Qian Yu peered into the distance. "I'll keep an eye on things."
Chi Ran fiddled with his phone, and Siri inexplicably read out a message he had sent to Song Yihuan: "[My erhu was too noisy, so I fired it too. Congratulations on returning to work, see you at the station exit.]"
He fiddled with his fingers a few times, and after confirming that she hadn't replied, he continued fiddling with his hand—after all, he didn't need to look for anyone.
Siri's noisy announcements filled his ears as he leaned against the railing, waiting aimlessly.
"Teacher Song!! God Song!!" Qian Yu suddenly shouted.
Chi Ran took a deep breath and tilted her head to ask, "Did you see her?"
Qian Yu waved wildly, completely ignoring him, and shouted to himself, "Song Shen!! Over here!!"
Chi Ran looked up slightly, and all she could see was a dense, dark blackness.
Although it was difficult to discern, he still tried to look in the direction Qian Yu was facing.
"Why didn't Song Shen bring any luggage?" Qian Yu muttered to himself.
Suddenly, amidst the chaotic and noisy sounds, Chi Ran heard her own heartbeat, and slowly discerned another sound—familiar footsteps.
Snap.
Snap.
Step by step, it entered his heart and flowed with his blood.
He turned his head to listen until the footsteps were very, very close to him.
Chi Ran brought the ice cream to his lips, took a bite, and the icy coolness flowed down, somewhat masking his indescribable anxiety and surprise.
He took a deep breath, exhaled, and then raised an eyebrow with a smile, saying, "Didn't expect that, did you? You..."
Before he could finish speaking, he felt his waist being encircled, and a body temperature that wasn't his was pressed against his chest.
She embraced him slowly and with unusual care.
Her warm face was buried in his chest, her uneven breathing seeping into her sweater.
She just held him like that, without saying a word.
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