Chapter 40
The fallen leaves covered the ground, obscuring the cypress-painted road. When the white cane swept across it, it made a rustling sound, occasionally stirring up fallen leaves that then fell back down, making a soft, rustling noise.
Stepping out of the fallen leaves also means stepping out of the shade of the trees. The late autumn sunlight shines down, as warm as early spring, leaving a warm feeling on the skin.
In this small county town, the ground is always covered with dirt that can't be swept away completely, making it easy to slip and twist your ankle. But it doesn't matter; if he twists his ankle, he'll straighten up again, just like he'll use his cane to tap someone's leg if they're blocking his way. He can handle it all, and he's busy getting on his way.
Further ahead, it seemed to be an orange grove, and at this time of year, you could smell the slightly bitter orange fragrance.
No, I misremembered. That was the previous county town… no, the county town before that, not this one. This county town doesn't have orange groves, only persimmon trees covering the hillsides, their fallen fruit emitting a rotten, sweet smell.
The previous county town didn't have any orange groves, but it had a narrow stream; stepping into it, your shoes and socks would get so cold you'd shiver. The county town before that also didn't have orange groves, nothing at all, just broken walls and dust, and old people swearing in very foul language—I couldn't understand their dialect, but I was sure they were cursing.
The county town two years ago had orange groves, which was a nice place, but there were no rapeseed flowers.
So none of those are the case; we have to keep going and head to the next county.
"Brother Ran!!" Qian Yu's panting voice came from behind, "Brother Ran!!"
What's all the fuss about? It can't be that you're excited because you found the person, can it?
He stopped and waited for him, somewhat helplessly, his feet crushing a few pebbles, which he soon lost and could not find.
"What are you doing?" he asked when the heavy breathing was very close.
"You didn't even say a word. The road is bumpy, and you're driving recklessly," Qian Yu said. "Wait for me to come with you."
He walked forward again, his white cane skillfully pointing away from Qian Yu, "I'll just turn around."
“You have to take me with you when you’re looking for someone. How are you going to find them?” Qian Yu didn’t care about him at all. “I have to keep an eye on things for you.”
"Yeah, how can a blind person find someone?" Chi Ran said casually, as if he were just saying it offhand.
“There’s a small hill further ahead, but not here,” Qian Yu said. “There are no mountains, no sea, no rivers, only rapeseed flowers. This isn’t what I’m talking about.”
"Hmm." He replied casually.
"Shall we buy tickets and go?" Qian Yu asked. "The next place isn't far from here. We can take the high-speed train and then a bus. It'll only take half a day."
"Stay for two more days." He pointed to the mountain not far away, "Climb the mountain before you leave."
Seeing that he wasn't in such a hurry, Qian Yu secretly breathed a sigh of relief.
During the period immediately after she left without saying goodbye, Chi Ran was like a dead man. He locked himself in his room and played Icarus day and night. He didn't eat or drink during the entire rainy season. He fainted and fell to the ground, blood flowing from his forehead and his body covered in bruises. He was then taken to the hospital for an IV drip.
This is how Ran Ge spent the entire rainy season.
Before he fainted, he would listen to Icarus on repeat at home, until Qian Yu felt nauseous just hearing it, until the keys on his frequently used piano were worn out and broken. Every time Ran Ge woke up after fainting, he would either lie lifelessly on the floor or lie listlessly in the hospital bed, staring blankly at the glucose drip.
After the plum rains ended and summer arrived, Chi Ran became like a madman. He cursed and ran out of the house, determined to travel to every small county town that had "no mountains, no seas, no rivers, only rapeseed flowers," to find her and capture her.
His posture made it seem as if he intended to grab the person, tear their flesh from the bone, and swallow them whole.
Even when his eyesight is failing, Ran-ge always maintains his dignity; he's never lost his composure like this before. So it was actually reassuring that he suggested we stay in this county for two days, without rushing on our way.
Time can kill, but it can also save. Thank goodness.
This small county town isn't that backward. Further ahead, there are shopping malls and some milk tea and coffee shops that are neither here nor there, with their entrances painted in highly saturated paint, looking like post offices, fire extinguishers, or barbershops, but definitely not like beverage shops.
"Watch out!"
Before Qian Yu could finish speaking, he saw Chi Ran bump into someone.
It was a person wearing a pink bear mascot costume. The pink bear reached out to support him, and thankfully he didn't fall.
"Are you alright?" Qian Yu caught up with him.
Chi Ran shook his head.
The pink bear frantically waved and took off its headgear, revealing a very young boy with a sweaty face. He stammered, "N-no...are you alright? I can't see clearly from this costume, I'm so sorry...are you having some kind of trouble? I'm so sorry..."
"So that's why I bumped into something furry..." Chi Ran shook his head nonchalantly, "What was it dressed up as?"
"Pink bear, you know... the knock-off Disney kind." The young man answered cautiously, noticing his visual impairment.
"I see," he said emotionlessly, and then walked forward.
Qian Yu followed Ran Ge cautiously, checking his expression from time to time.
Ran Ge remained expressionless, but after walking a few meters, he suddenly turned around and looked in the direction of the pink bear. He took off his sunglasses, strained his eye muscles, and "saw" in that direction for a while.
He held that position for a long time before slowly putting his sunglasses back on and walking with his eyes downcast.
Qian Yu sighed inwardly.
Brother Ran can't see it.
After the rainy season, he completely lost his sight. Even under such bright sunlight and in such dry, humid conditions.
When Song Yihuan left, he blocked Ran Ge and all his contact methods. Even his only account, "I Don't Talk in My Dreams," was only used to post his work regularly, and the private messaging function was turned off.
For Chi Ran, she had completely lost contact.
Her departure was resolute and complete.
After that dazzling pink left him, the last bit of light in his eyes slowly disappeared, and he went completely blind, plunging the world into endless darkness.
All the colors of his life abandoned him at the end of spring.
"Brother Ran," Qian Yu abruptly changed the subject, "Want some persimmons? I'll pick one for you."
"I'm not eating. I just stepped on several of them, they were sticky and a bit disgusting," Chi Ran replied in a normal tone.
Qian Yu persisted, saying, "Then I'll eat one myself."
He suddenly laughed, a dejected yet nonchalant laugh, and said, "It was bound to be blind sooner or later, I knew it all along."
Beneath Ran Ge's seemingly self-destructive exterior and tough exterior lies an extremely sensitive and perceptive person. Even without Qian Yu saying anything, he can understand his worries and offer him gentle comfort.
Such a tender person can be killed by the truth.
Thank goodness, he didn't know the truth, and he still hated Song Yihuan.
Qian Yu was constantly afraid, afraid that the cruel truth could no longer be hidden, afraid that Chi Ran would really find that county and see her final moments.
That would kill him, or maybe he wouldn't die, but he wouldn't be able to live either.
Before heading to the next county, they climbed the mountain. Chi Ran walked quickly and steadily because he didn't need to look around, so he was extremely focused.
Several times, Qian Yu had to jog to catch up with him.
"Brother Ran, don't walk so fast, it's embarrassing for me," Qian Yu said breathlessly, trying to lighten the mood with a joke.
Chi Ran smiled in agreement: "You should work on your physical fitness, otherwise you'll be blind and useless, how will you catch people?"
Qian Yu was stunned.
This was the first time he had joked about it. Chi Ran could talk about all his pain with a smile, but talking about it with a smile was just talking; it didn't mean he had let it go.
The only thing he never spoke of jokingly was finding her. Could it be interpreted as him getting over it?
"Brother Ran..." He didn't know how to reply, so he carefully remained silent.
"I'm serious." He suppressed his smile and said in a stubborn tone unlike his usual self, "I want to find her, I want to get to the bottom of things, I want a clear and straightforward answer. I'm serious. You should work on your stamina so that if you really run into her, you won't be able to catch up."
These seemingly casual words concealed a deep-seated hatred, etched into his very bones, yet it was as natural as breathing, flowing through his life without the need for clenching his teeth.
Qian Yu grew increasingly afraid. He was afraid whether he hated or not. Hatred meant he was still on that path that could easily lead him astray and cause his own destruction; not hating meant he might have guessed part of the truth, and he couldn't feel at ease no matter what.
Just leaving without saying goodbye nearly killed him. Heaven knows how crazy he would go if the truth were revealed.
“Brother Ran…” He recalled the time he encountered the fans and asked indirectly, “Didn’t you say you didn’t want to ask for clarification… that you just wanted to be a coward?”
Chi Ran kept his head down and climbed the mountain step by step without answering.
He pressed on, saying, "Stop looking for her, okay? She's a heartless woman. Let's just go back to hiding... Don't ask anymore, understand?"
Chi Ran quickened his pace, weaving through the shady woods as if fleeing from his words.
Qian Yu, burdened by the truth, was nearly driven mad by the weight of the situation. He quickened his pace to catch up: "Ran-ge! I only tried to pull you up because I saw you were almost out! Ran-ge! Don't push yourself, just tell me..."
Chi Ran remained silent, put on her headphones, and started walking up the mountain.
Qian Yu had been yelling at him the whole way, and by the time they reached the mountaintop, his voice was hoarse. Chi Ran sat on a rock, wearing headphones, clearly refusing to communicate, looking as listless as a walking corpse during the rainy season.
Qian Yu suddenly felt a surge of hatred towards Song Yihuan.
She left decisively, leaving behind such a terrible void. Who is going to clean it up?
Qian Yu stood panting on the mountaintop, his blood pumping to his head. All the tolerance and understanding had vanished, replaced by overwhelming hatred.
He had never wished Song Yihuan were here more than at this moment, so that she could see clearly the walking corpse-like Chi Ran, and see clearly this body that she had so severely damaged.
He was tired of judging every day whether Chi Ran had let go a little, or that his pain had lessened. He was tired of living in fear and anxiety, and tired of keeping quiet.
Thinking this, he clicked on the application he hadn't logged into for a long time and found an account called "Resurrection Armor Original Direct Delivery".
He desperately wanted to say something to her, but he didn't know what to say. His fingertips trembled. He was being torn apart and crushed by the truth. He was going crazy. He wanted her to see the ruins he had left behind...
The account was still being updated until yesterday, but the intervals between updates became inconsistent, sometimes a few days, sometimes two weeks, and sometimes a month.
He angrily clicked into his private messages, trying to vent his pent-up frustration.
Why did you let me know the truth?
Why make me witness suffering?
Why let me know everything, yet burden me with a sense of helplessness?
Why make me suffer twice or even three times the pain, yet force me to keep quiet and make me live in fear?
He didn't type out a single word of these words.
Because an account named "Resurrection Armor Original Direct Delivery" sent him a message a month ago, but unfortunately he didn't see it.
Resurrection Armor (factory direct): [Does he still hate me?]
Qian Yu's anger suddenly dissipated, turning into a choking pain in his throat.
He considers himself an ordinary person who likes money but not romance. His dream is to save enough money, find a suitable girl to marry, and live a simple life with a wife and children.
A wife doesn't need to be beautiful or deeply in love; the main thing is that they are a good match in terms of social standing and can live together harmoniously. Children don't need to be exceptionally smart or successful; as long as they are filial and respectful, that's enough. Arguments and backtalk are fine, as long as they don't live too far from home.
This was his ideal life, a rather ordinary kind of happiness.
He suddenly remembered his stupid question that he hadn't gotten an answer to. He asked Song Yihuan if she loved Ran Ge, and she said it was corny; she didn't answer.
At the time, he himself didn't understand why he was asking this question.
He understood at that moment.
He felt indignant on their behalf.
He had been immersed in this cruel story for so long that he had long since crossed the safe boundaries of an observer—he felt indignant on their behalf, indignant that they could not even covet ordinary happiness.
He asked that question because he was truly unwilling to accept it.
How can a person grasp nothing and have nothing at all? At least acknowledge love, at least acknowledge hate, at least hold onto something ephemeral, better than having nothing at all, vanishing like fireworks.
How lonely.
Instead of venting his anger, Qian Yu uttered a few words that were completely unrelated to his rough and unruly nature, and could be described as gentle and delicate:
[I hate it, I hate it so much.]
I hate you so much that I wish you were standing here healthy, atoning for your sins with a long life.
He received a reply from the other party shortly afterward.
I had forbidden myself from asking, intending to completely cut off contact... but when the big data analysis pushed your account to me that day, I couldn't resist.
That's just how I am. If I really can't hold back something, and I have an idea, I'll definitely do it; I can't suppress it.
The last message: "Thank you, it's so good that he hates me."
Because hatred will always fade with time, but love will not.
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