Snake venom · Lilu (2)
[well,
I know I've sighed many times today. As an old man nearing the end of my life, it's hard not to feel melancholy when I think about these past events.
I'm sorry, but people tend to sigh a lot when things aren't going well. I don't know if it bothers you.
But there's nothing I can do if you're upset, you'll just have to listen.
Okay, okay, I'm not kidding anymore. My story isn't finished yet.
The world had changed by then. Our last remaining shop couldn't hold on any longer and went bankrupt long ago. The land we hadn't rented out for a long time, and we completely lost our source of income.
But I have no time to care about any of that now.
Because my brother refuses to see anyone, he locks himself in his room all day, constantly reciting the classical Chinese phrases I hate the most.
I tried to climb in through the window, but my brother had closed it tightly and covered it with a thick cloth, making it impossible to see inside. I peered through the crack in the door, but it was pitch black, without a single ray of light. I could only hear the sound of reading coming from inside, intermittent and incoherent. There was no other response; no matter how I called, no one answered. For two whole days, the food left at the door showed no sign of being touched. Apart from the occasional reading, it truly felt like a house that had been abandoned for a long time.
They all say my brother has gone mad and will be a useless person from now on.
I was so angry! I chased them all away with a stick. Who gave them permission to talk about my brother like that!
My brother has been living in a daze all day, now it's my turn to take care of him. Simple meals, firewood and oil, this kind of life isn't bad. As for all that talk about bringing glory to the ancestors, the wishes of our forefathers... those people are all long dead, who cares about them anymore! I'll become a carpenter to support him, anyway, I want to be with my brother all the time.
On the third day at noon, I replaced the steaming hot meal for my brother, intending to eat the cold one myself. Without much expectation, I knocked on the door and called out in a louder voice, "Brother, the food is at the door. Eat it quickly, or it will get cold."
I was really tired these past couple of days and too lazy to reheat the food, so I just sat down by my brother's door, picked up my bowl, and started eating. The cold food wasn't very tasty, but it filled my stomach, so I wasn't picky and just chewed and swallowed as usual. Lost in thought, I suddenly heard a creak—the sound of the door being pushed open. Startled, I turned around and clearly saw the door slowly opening from the inside, revealing my brother, whom I had been longing to see.
My brother has lost a lot of weight. His cheeks are sunken, his chin is covered with dark stubble, and his eyes are bloodshot and dark under his eyes. He looks disheveled and unkempt, a far cry from the handsome and refined young gentleman he once was.
But thankfully my brother finally opened the door. I was thinking that if he didn't come out to eat today, I would have no choice but to force my way in.
I was overjoyed. I casually tossed the bowl aside and stood up excitedly. I wanted to rush up and hug him, but then I thought of his health and only gave him a loose embrace. "Brother!"
The elder brother remained silent, standing there like a puppet, without any reaction.
I helped him sit down, picked up the porridge I had cooked that morning, and took a small sip. The temperature was just right. "Brother, why don't you eat something and rest?" I scooped up a spoonful and fed it to his mouth, waiting for him to open his mouth.
My brother suddenly raised his hand and gripped my wrist tightly. A hoarse, strained voice came from his throat, "I'm sorry, it's... I'm useless."
This is the first time I've ever been angry with him. No one can speak ill of my brother, not even himself.
“No way! You are the best brother in the world. From beginning to end, I have only ever had you, and I will only ever recognize you from now on. Since those people have already passed away, why should I listen to them?” I put down my spoon and used my free hand to hold his. “Actually, things are pretty good now. You can go find what you really want to do, and I will take care of you as a carpenter.”
I hated myself for being inarticulate, and after a slight pause, I was about to speak again when my brother suddenly hugged me tightly. He was much older than me, and I was almost completely enveloped in his arms, nearly dropping the bowl in my hands. I managed to steady myself and prepared to pull away a little to check on my brother, only to feel the trembling emanating from him and the dampness on his shoulder—my brother was crying.
My brother hugged me tightly and said that I was the only one he had left.
He said I'm the only one for him...
What, you also think I should be happy?
Who knows? Maybe it's happiness. It doesn't matter anymore.
Anyway, I didn't cry at the time. I gripped the bowl tightly in my hand, and my fingers would occasionally touch the scalding hot porridge, which hurt a little. But I was always worried that the porridge would get cold, and my brother still needed to drink it. The occasional pain actually made me feel at ease.
When I heard my brother's words, I probably couldn't help but feel a little smug. After all, my brother and I are different—he had parents, elders, relatives, a governess, and many, many people when he was young. But I didn't; I only had my brother from beginning to end.
But I wouldn't say any of that to him; I just gently hugged him back.
After all, my older brother and I have depended on each other since I was a child.
How wonderful it is now! My brother no longer has to care about other people.
I coaxed my brother to rest at home for a couple of days, but he wanted to go out and find work. However, in these chaotic times, no one wanted a poor, pedantic scholar who only knew how to take the imperial examinations. The matchmakers who had been practically wearing down my doorstep had also disappeared.
Bah! A bunch of sycophants and opportunists, not even worth a hair on my brother's head.
My brother has been depressed for a long time. He has been in a daze these past few days, constantly muttering some "unforgettable" words. He sits in front of the incense table for a whole day. The table is empty; it hasn't had any fruits or vegetables for a long time. We are living too frugally and simply can't spare any.
My brother stares at our parents' memorial tablets every day, his eyes are bloodshot, he looks guilty and remorseful, he really looks like he's gone mad.
But I'm not afraid, just heartbroken. I know my brother isn't crazy; he's just suddenly lost. That's okay, because I'll always be there for him until he finds what he truly wants to do.
A few days later, my brother told me he was going to the city, looking very stubborn, and he wouldn't take me with him. Well, it's nothing really... How annoying! I really wanted to go with my brother, but I always listen to him the most.
I saw my brother off at the village entrance the day he left.
The weather was muggy and overcast that day, as if it were about to rain. I prayed for rain so that my brother might not have to leave; at the same time, I worried that even if it rained, he would still go, and the rain would only get in his way. Torn between these thoughts, my mood became as gloomy as the day itself.
I sat by the withered tree at the village entrance, waiting from dawn until dusk, but the rain didn't fall, and my brother didn't return. I continued to sit there blankly, the sun setting and night falling, and still there wasn't a soul in sight at the village entrance.
I had no choice but to go back first, and came back early the next morning. I waited for several days, but still no one came. Everyone said that my brother didn't want me anymore.
I'm so angry I'm about to go crazy! One day I'm going to tear their mouths apart!
Now even passing dogs bark at me, but my brother still hasn't come back.
Will my brother really leave me...? No way, no way, no way, no way, no way, no way!
I won't allow it!
My brother said he only has me.
My brother can only have me.
My brother, how could you not want me?
I begged someone to take me to the city to find my brother.
I walked through seventeen streets, searched through nine alleys, and looked through sixty-three shops... My shadow shortened and lengthened, the sweat on my body dried and flowed again, and I ran until I was exhausted, but I still couldn't find my brother.
Where is my brother? Where is my brother? Where is my brother? Where is my brother? Where is my brother?... Where is my brother?
"Your brother doesn't want you anymore..."
I feel like a mischievous monkey with a tight headband, unable to do anything, unable to think straight, and unable to break free no matter how hard I try.
I sat listlessly on the oxcart on the return journey, the lingering stench utterly failing to attract my attention.
If my brother is gone, what meaning is there for me to live?
I don't know, and I don't want to think about it. I just continue doing carpentry every day, waiting for my brother to come back.
I waited day after day, until the moon waxed and waned, waxed and waned, and cycled through the years; until my clothes changed from thin shirts to thick coats, and snow fell again and again in the capital... but my brother still did not return.
Every day, without fail, I wait at the village entrance for half an hour, then slowly stroll home, my shoes dangling, kicking pebbles along the way. Today I asked people who came back from the city, and they all said they hadn't seen my brother.
A bunch of scammers, they definitely didn't do a proper search.
I don't want to go home; my brother isn't there.
I miss my brother...
I'm another year older and taller, but the markings on the door frame haven't been added yet, and no one will measure my height this year.
My eyes are a little sore, but I'm a man now, I won't cry, and even if I do, I won't tell you.
I've saved up quite a bit of money. After I help the craftsman finish making Grandma Li's coffin, I'll go to the city to find my brother. Last time, the time was too rushed, and I didn't have time to look at it carefully.
My brother would never abandon me; he must have just been held up by something. He's waiting for me to come find him.
After such a long delay on the way home, I finally arrived. A dark room stood in the eerie night. I habitually took a detour; my brother's room was no longer lit, and his silhouette reading was no longer reflected on the window paper. I walked into the room dejectedly, casually wiping my face—so annoying! All he does is cry, useless thing, can't do anything right. No wonder my brother doesn't come home.
But I will try my best, brother, please don't abandon me... I stepped into the door, feeling completely exhausted, and huddled in the corner, when I suddenly heard a sound.
I didn't pay much attention at first, thinking it was just a mouse, but I suddenly caught a glimpse of a dark shadow out of the corner of my eye.
The person must have been inside all along, and knew I had entered, but had remained silent. "Who is it?" I tried to sound calm, but a cold sweat broke out on my back.
I just hate that this room is so dark, I can't see anything. I quietly touched the doorknob, ready to rush out at any moment. "I have to run to the right after I get out. Aunt Li's house is the closest, and she has a dog. If I shout 'Fire!' they should be able to hear me..." I forced myself to calm down and mentally planned my escape route.
The dark figure moved, and I was about to turn and run when I suddenly heard a familiar voice, "I'm back."
Suddenly, my feet felt rooted to the spot. My eyes widened in horror, and I couldn't move an inch. A sliver of moonlight shone through the window, and the process of waiting for the dark shadow to slowly approach seemed endless.
The shadow finally revealed its outline in the light—it was my brother, who hadn't been home for over a year.
To be honest, I didn't dare to go forward. I felt that this was an illusion more fragile than a bubble. I just stood there, watching him get closer and closer.
Until he suddenly hugged me, the familiar warmth abruptly pulled me back to my senses. My stiff body was abruptly pulled, causing it to slam against the door with an unpleasant thud.
A sharp little thorn pierced my palm, and the dense, intermittent pain became my anchor point in reality. I looked at my brother with almost greedy eyes. He seemed to have been doing quite well over the past year or so. He hadn't lost weight, and his cheeks had a rare healthy rosy glow. The frown that had always been on his brow had finally dissipated, replaced by an almost overly excited, joyful happiness.
I was finally relieved; thankfully, my brother hadn't suffered. Even better, he came back.
I was about to continue examining him when suddenly my shoulder was grabbed, and my brother's hand touched my face. It hurt a little—he hadn't been holding back much, and his hands seemed to have developed many calluses. I was forced to lift my head, and my gaze returned to my brother's face. He looked very excited, as if his long-cherished wish was about to come true. "I was so wrong before..." my brother said, tearing off the red rope tied around his waist. At the end hung a fine piece of jade, which he held up to my eyes, admiring it almost obsessively. He looked like a madman, and for the first time, I felt a sense of unfamiliarity and fear towards him.
Before I could even adjust, I saw my brother holding the jade and smiling foolishly, muttering to himself, "Fame and fortune, fame and fortune... The point is never fame, but fortune!"
[You mean... has my brother really gone mad?]
Hey, look, while we were talking, I didn't even realize I'd almost finished carving the new ornament. Isn't the tail fantastic?
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