Chapter 12 Sea Colors
My name is Song Ci, and I am an incompetent and selfish person.
Therefore, I am not living a good life.
I was born in the summer of Qingshui City. It was a very good day. My parents loved me very much and said I was good-looking and well-behaved.
My mother would fan me to cool me down on hot days and lull me to sleep.
My father would toss me high into the air and then catch me safely.
People's memories are hazy and indistinct, making it difficult to see each other's faces clearly.
The only sound in the blur was laughter and cheerful chatter.
They say I'm the family's little ray of sunshine, and I just giggle, showing my teeth that haven't fully grown in yet.
I didn't understand back then.
By the time I understood, my younger brother was born.
I don't hate my younger brother, I just don't understand.
His mother hugged him and said she would protect him for the rest of her life.
I said no, why? By what right?
My parents' expressions changed, and I was so frightened that I cried.
I shouted at the top of my lungs that I wasn't wrong.
My father got even angrier, and my mother sighed. They looked at me with strange eyes.
I later realized that it was disappointment.
They all say I'm selfish.
Fu Qing, however, told me that many things were not my fault.
I feel very happy. I think I like Fu Qing and I want to marry him.
Fu Qing panicked. He told me to give up, saying I definitely didn't like him.
I was a little angry. I thought to myself, maybe I was just being selfish.
In the first year of Tianchen, my father inexplicably made money in the timber business.
I didn't care; after all, that money wouldn't be mine in the end.
One day, the matchmaker came to the door—
I'm going to marry into the Gao family.
I don't know when my parents agreed to this marriage. My father kept saying it was for the sake of the family business, but I knew they were going to sell me.
I can give my all for this family.
But there was never a place for me in this family.
This shouldn't be the case.
So I struggled, I was in pain, I didn't want to.
I've thought about dying, but I'm afraid of dying.
I went to Fu Qing, but he only gave me half a jade pendant. He said we should elope.
His shadow outside the window was tall, and the candlelight flickered, obscuring our own feelings.
I said okay.
By the time I realized what was happening, it was too late.
I just didn't want to marry Gao Yuan; I never thought about eloping with Fu Qing.
He's a fisherman with no skills. I left Haicheng to elope with him. What kind of future will I have? And what about him? Is he ready?
I was scared.
I ultimately did not go to the East Pavilion on the coast.
I broke my promise.
Gao Yuan and I got married.
To be honest, it doesn't seem that bad.
That guy is alright.
I kept a cold face, but he always liked to hug me, say sweet words to me, and make me blush.
Looking back now, I realize that I was truly happy for a period of time.
Soon, I became pregnant.
I touched my belly, and Gao Yuan personally took care of everything for me. I became spoiled and always acted coquettishly in his arms. He liked to kiss me at that time, kissing me from my forehead to my chin, and I would dodge while laughing.
Occasionally, I would lie on Gao Yuan's lap and talk to him, and he would gently pat me to sleep.
As the candlelight flickered, I became somewhat dazed.
I think I was indeed selfish... Even though I feel I've let Fu Qing down, I'm doing well now, and Fu Qing doesn't have to leave Haicheng to make a living. It's a win-win situation, so there's nothing wrong with it.
Everything seems to be getting better.
She just never deserved such happiness.
The incident occurred on an ordinary day.
My younger brother came to me to borrow money, but I refused. He then made sarcastic remarks and brought up my past with Fuqing.
I wasn't afraid at the time. I raised my chin and said that Fu Qing and I had never overstepped the bounds of propriety, except for the so-called private agreement. Moreover, I now have a husband and children, so I'm not afraid of his nonsense.
I even thought that I would go see Fu Qing after a while. I felt guilty before, and then I got pregnant, so I didn't dare to see him.
But it's okay, Fu Qing will forgive her. At worst, she'll get a scolding from him. She's doing well now, and Fu Qing will definitely be happy for her.
The younger brother laughed a few times and said, "Song Ci, you are really selfish. Fu Qing is dead, yet you can still be so calm."
I panicked. Before I could react, Gao Yuan appeared. He stood at the door and looked at me.
His eyes were extremely cold; I had never seen him look at me like that before.
It was so chaotic at the time, I really didn't know what was happening.
A chill ran from my swollen feet to my legs, to my round belly, and to the top of my head. I trembled, yet I was unable to move.
When I woke up, my stomach was flat.
I have nothing left.
That's ridiculous.
How could Fu Qing die? I never wanted him to die. Why did I agree to his request? Why did this happen? Was it because I was selfish? I killed Fu Qing and failed to save the child. Was it my fault?
They all say it's a demon, but I know it's me.
It felt like my soul had turned to ashes in an instant.
I am sick.
But I don't know how to say it.
Gao Yuan has taken a concubine, and my health has deteriorated, so I can no longer conceive. The Gao family needs an heir.
Before taking a concubine, Gao Yuan squatted down, pressed his face against my hand, looked at me expectantly, and asked if I agreed.
As I looked at him, I inexplicably thought of Fu Qing.
Perhaps I shouldn't be selfish anymore.
I agree.
Gao Yuan said okay, he looked at me, and I smiled.
I never told Gao Yuan that I really liked his eyes; they were round, and when he looked at me intently, they would light up, like a puppy's.
The puppy cried, I saw it, but I can't say anything.
My heart feels like it's bleeding.
I am incompetent and selfish to the point that I often find myself speechless and unable to think clearly, only starting to think when I am quiet.
What kind of barriers exist between people that can lead to a situation where two people who are deeply in love end up hating each other?
Human life is at stake.
Gao Yuan kept arguing with me later. He didn't know why I had changed. He talked about the child, about Fu Qing, about love.
He keeps talking, keeps talking, keeps talking.
I looked at him helplessly.
He didn't know that it wasn't love, but simply because of himself, because of Song Ci, because of the selfish woman in front of him, that innocent Fu Qing died.
He died at eighteen, in the prime of his life.
He died on the beach in the dead of night, carrying the greatest expectations, enduring the coldest wind.
Did he hold that half of the jade pendant before he died? Did he wonder why he didn't come? Did he think again that it was fortunate he didn't come?
Moonlight lifted the window curtains.
I leaned against the window, imagining the sound of distant ocean waves.
I closed my eyes, and everything was tormenting me.
Fifteen years.
Fifteen years have passed in the blink of an eye, yet I feel as if I am still stuck in the past.
East Pavilion on the coast.
The moment I saw Fu Qing, I burst into tears.
Why are you helping me? I'm clearly being selfish.
We laughed and cried, cried and laughed.
We embraced like old friends reunited.
He smiled, just like he had many years ago.
"Song Ci, what year is it in Tianchen now?"
"Are you doing well? You're so thin."
"Song Ci, don't cry, your tears will make me cry too."
"Song Ci, it was one thing that you were incredibly stubborn when you were a teenager, but why are you still like this now?"
He knelt down and, for the first time, raised his hand to wipe away her tears—
That was the first time he truly overstepped the bounds.
"Song Ci, I really have to go now. Take care."
"Take good care of yourself..."
I nodded frantically and tried my best to smile at him with my eyes wide open.
My vision is blurred with tears.
In a flash, I saw myself as a child, running and jumping around on a bonfire on the beach.
After the fire started, blackish-red soot appeared.
Suddenly a sea breeze blew in—
Everything was spotless.
He vanished in my arms.
My heart suddenly felt incredibly empty, as if a huge boulder had disappeared. I knew that was the result of all the self-reproach I had felt over the years.
Without even condemnation, how am I supposed to survive?
Fuqing, you must have suffered a lot these past years.
Let me tell you, I wasn't exactly happy either.
Okay, do you think I'm talking nonsense again?
never mind.
You can go in peace.
I will no longer torture myself.
Waves crash against the rocks.
The small pavilion on the eastern coast is no longer there.
I made a point of dressing like a young girl, in a white dress, with a jade pendant hanging from my waist, and my hair tied up with a simple wooden hairpin.
The sea breeze blew by, lifting my hair and skirt.
The two jade pendants clinked gently as I touched the wooden hairpin in my hair.
Before leaving, I really wanted to say something, even just a smile.
But there's nothing I can do.
Use all your strength.
I let out a very soft sigh from my throat.
The seawater gradually submerged me.
That's very strange.
The last moment I lost consciousness.
What comes to mind is not Fu Qing, nor Gao Yuan, but the first argument I had with my parents when I was young, because of my younger brother.
I now remember why I said I didn't want to protect my younger brother.
My father was teasing my younger brother with my little doll, saying that he was the family's source of joy.
I'm angry.
I now understand why I talked back to my parents.
The dim yellow fireworks flickered, my mother held me in her arms, and my father smiled broadly. They told me that little Song Ci was a one-of-a-kind child in the world, and that I should always remember to be good to myself.
I remember now.
I laughed.
...
In the year of Tianchen, on a spring day, on the eastern coast of the South China Sea.
Fu Qing is very annoyed lately.
His beautiful, clumsy, and stubborn best friend has recently gotten herself into some kind of obsession, insisting that she likes him.
"Song Ci, I've already told you, you definitely don't like me, please calm down."
"You, Fuqing, you look down on me, but I look down on you too."
Song Ci walked alongside him, holding a bunch of daylilies in her hands.
"Really? I've heard that girls blush when they like someone. You're just talking nonsense and making me blush!"
"What nonsense! You've clearly been unable to argue with me time and time again!"
Song Ci rolled her eyes in exasperation, but not wanting to damage the flowers or leaves, she plucked some dewdrops and threw them at him.
Fu Qing made a face at her and ran away.
Song Ci snorted and didn't chase after them. She was working in the flower room recently and couldn't run around and delay her employer's business.
She walked slowly, while Fu Qing ran all the way to the small pavilion where they often stayed.
He stood at a distance and waved, calling out Song Dynasty poems.
He thought that Song Ci was probably getting old and he was worried that her parents might do something inappropriate.
Yes, her parents are always biased.
Don't worry, he will help Song Ci.
In an instant, the sunlight became blinding, and Song Ci could no longer see his face.
Fu Qing stood in the pavilion, waving at her. He raised his lips and called out her name loudly.
"Song Dynasty poetry! Song Dynasty poetry! Song Dynasty poetry—"
Under the scorching sun, the young man smiled warmly at her.
...
In the sixteenth year of Tianchen, on an early autumn night, at the Gao residence.
The man leaned back lazily, casually fiddling with the two wine glasses in front of him.
"The lady has left."
"Yes, sir, the Song family's business has also been arranged."
"Go down."
"yes."
The old butler retreated, his body hunched over.
He couldn't help himself; his cloudy eyes secretly met those of the man on the high seat, the man he had watched grow up, from adolescence to youth, and then to middle age.
The old man swallowed a sigh.
It's good that Madam is gone. After all, the Song family's first and last business deal were both done by the young master.
The night was as still as water.
The hall became empty again.
The man stood up, raised his wine glass, and gazed at the moon.
The sound of the tide seemed to come from afar; they were all too young then.
He gently raised a glass in a toast.
Only the color of the sea is ever truly moving.
A note from the author:
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Ding ding ding, Qingshui has arrived. Passengers who need to get off or transfer, please take note. Thank you for your support and cooperation. We wish you a safe journey.
In early autumn, murders occurred frequently.
New passengers and passengers who have not yet reached their destination, please put down your tray tables and get ready to watch the show.
Next stop, Danzhou City.
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