Chapter 130 The Villain
Lu Zhitao never considered herself a bad person.
In contrast, she felt that she was simply dissatisfied.
How unfair is the way of Heaven! People are destined to turn to the left. From the moment they are born, they are divided into different classes, and even children from the same mother will receive different kinds of love.
Everything is different; there has never been fairness in this world. Whether it's fate or human will, many things, if you can fight for them, you must fight for them; if you can't fight for them... no, everything in this world can be won through struggle.
Especially, love.
...
In her childhood, her eldest sister, Lu Zhizhu, was exceptionally talented. Her parents adored her, so much so that they often told Lu Zhitao that in the future, she should listen to her sister, learn from her sister's ways, understand her sister's difficult path of cultivation, and care for and love her.
Lu Zhitao initially did the same, but at the time she scoffed at it in her heart. "It's just cultivation, right? I can do that too. I'll be even more powerful than my sister someday!"
Unfortunately, as time went by, she couldn't remember the hand gestures for array formations, and she couldn't cast spirit arrays well. No matter what she did, she couldn't compare to her sister, and nothing she did could help her.
Father glanced at her and left in disappointment, and Mother was even more helpless. They said that Zhi Tao's talent was not good, so let's just give up.
She was very competitive at the time, and after overhearing these words, she became even more defiant, so she practiced hard for many days.
Finally, she memorized a complex hand gesture and was able to cast a small, confusing array.
She was overjoyed and jumped for joy, eager to show her parents—
Unfortunately, her older sister was also there. Standing in front of their father, she made a few casual, graceful, and natural movements, and a formation appeared as it spun around.
Mother came out carrying pastries, and she praised her sister with delight, saying that Zhizhu was really amazing and would definitely become a leader among the cultivators of Qingzhou in the future.
Father didn't smile like Mother, but he still stroked his beard with satisfaction.
They talked together, eating pastries, praising the older sister's talent, and talking about a bright future. They seemed very happy.
Lu Zhitao stood there in a daze. At that moment, she realized with absolute clarity that it was impossible; she could never surpass her sister in the path of cultivation.
She thought, what should I do then? I should take another path.
At some point, she became obedient, gentle, kind, and pitiful, and all her parents' attention fell on her.
The eldest sister felt lonely and isolated during her cultivation, and she always felt sad when she stood aside and watched their family being happy. She watched secretly, like a complete outsider.
Father said, “Zhizhu, you should cultivate diligently and not waste your talent. These things are fine for Zhitao to play with, but how can you come here to fool around?”
Mother said, “Zhizhu, you are the eldest sister, you should give way to your younger sister. Besides, you are a cultivator, while Zhitao is just a weak mortal. Why are you arguing with her?”
They always said that until the older sister was completely disappointed and disheartened.
"You're so pitiful, aren't you?" Lu Zhitao thought with a smile. "Sister, you're so pitiful."
There's nothing I can do, you're too naive.
See, so what if you have talent? Love is something you have to fight for.
...
Love is something you have to fight for.
But little brother, why is it that when you were born, you didn't have to do anything, you just lay there crying a few times, and everyone cared about you but ignored me?
One year old, two years old, three years old...
Finally, Lu Zhitao couldn't take it anymore. Why should a child receive so much love and be so talented? It seemed that he only had to cry once, and he had talent, favoritism, and everything else.
Why? Why?
She poured some sesame oil on her fingertips, watched her younger brother playing on the bed, and smiled gently, holding a candle.
What gives you the right?
The shadows flickered, drowning out the cries. Lu Zhitao's face was indistinct, until suddenly, her sister's voice rang out from behind her—
"What are you doing! Put out the fire!"
Lu Zhitao snapped out of her daze, lowered her eyes, coughed a few times, and then looked up with tears streaming down her face. "Sister! Brother is still inside! He's still inside!"
"What did you say! You!"
Upon hearing this, the older sister panicked. She seemed to have thought of something, but in the end, she softened. She reached out and pulled Lu Zhitao out of the fire. Then, the woman turned around and threw herself into the flames.
Finally, Lu Zhitao stood there, staring blankly at the sea of fire that filled the sky, and the figures disappeared.
Suddenly, through the window, she saw her sister's eyes.
They looked at each other, and Lu Zhitao smiled gently and skillfully, making intricate gestures, slow and subtle.
Finally, the silent array spun gently, and Lu Zhizhu stood there, his mind suddenly foggy for a moment. In that instant, scorching and violent flames roared and engulfed everything.
Lu Zhitao closed her eyes briefly, then turned around, shouting to the people who came to help put out the fire, and weeping bitterly to her parents who had rushed over.
"My sister and brother are inside!"
"Father! Mother! They're all inside! Cough cough! Ah!"
"They haven't come out yet!"
"Please save them!"
They, they
I killed them all.
Hahahahahahahaha—
She wasn't a smart person, but she was honest and good at pretending.
Lu Zhitao thought that every time she apologized, felt sad, or was in pain, it was genuine.
But those things are nothing compared to what she received.
...
Yes, in fact, she initially just wanted to gain more, but inadvertently lost everything.
The younger brother is dead, and the older sister is missing.
Father seemed to have become a different person. He suddenly began to urge Lu Zhitao to cultivate. He said, "Zhitao is the only child who survived. You must carry on the legacy of your younger brother and sister!"
You must uphold the Lu family! It has to be you!
Zhi Tao, it has to be you.
Is this retribution?
Forced to endure hardship for many days without any results, and even being scolded in the end, Lu Zhitao thought, "Sister, brother, if I kill you, am I supposed to live on with your share of the punishment?"
How ridiculous! How can this be called retribution? Lu Zhitao thought for a moment, it only means that she hasn't done enough.
"Mother, please save me!"
"Mom! I really don't know how to do those things! I'm so tired!"
"I also want my sister and brother to come back, but, but they're already gone!"
"Mother! I really have no talent, but Father keeps forcing me. Mother, please save me!"
Mother, you've been sick for so long, you're going to die eventually. You love me so much, so why don't you use your life to help your daughter one last time?
As Lu Zhitao wept, she carefully and obediently fed her mother today's medicine, little by little.
Your mother said, "Okay, I'll go find your father right away and tell him that I will never let you suffer again."
Looking at her aged face and gentle eyes, Lu Zhitao nodded, laughing and crying at the same time.
"Mother, I'm sorry."
I'm sorry, Mother, Father is such a stubborn head of the family, he can't be easily moved.
But my daughter really can't take it anymore.
Mother, I'm sorry.
The woman finally managed to get up, and she touched her daughter's hair, just as she had always done for every child.
"Mother knows, Mother feels sorry for you."
"You."
The person who loves you will never be able to resist you.
It's a pity that you only wanted to get these things, to possess these things, and in the end, to abandon them.
...
It rained heavily on the day her mother was buried. Lu Zhitao held an umbrella, listening to the torrential rain and watching her father stubbornly perform his rites. She seemed oblivious to being soaked by the rain.
At that moment, she realized that her father loved her mother so much.
But it turns out that this so-called love is such a useless thing.
She stepped forward, wanting to say something, but her father suddenly turned around and slapped her hard across the face.
The wind whipped up the rain, and her ears rang. Lu Zhitao angrily looked up, only to see her father's back.
He said, "I may have wronged your mother, but I have never wronged you!"
“You are physically weak, but you are not without talent. It’s just that your older sister was around in the past, so your father never forced you!”
"But now my Lu family is destroyed and everyone is dead, and you are still so unwilling to endure hardship, until you anger your mother to death!"
"Zhi Tao!"
"Your mind is not upright, you will never attain enlightenment!"
He seemed to suddenly realize how useless his daughter was, pointing at her and cursing her, as if it were an emotional outburst after his children had perished in a fire and his wife had died of illness.
Lu Zhitao felt the pain in her cheek as she watched quietly as her father, whom she had once thought was as strong as a mountain, crumbled. She watched his spirit, his pride, his pain, slowly dissipate in the heavy rain.
At that time, she thought about it, both clearly and vaguely.
Is one's character corrupt? But what is the standard of righteousness? Who sets it? And once it is set, is it necessarily right?
Is it wrong for her to just not want to suffer? Does she not want to work hard? She has studied diligently before, but she can never compare to others. What's the point of all that?
It's strange, isn't it? Righteous cultivation, evil cultivation, saving people, killing people—isn't everything in this world just about satisfying one's own desires?
What exactly did she do wrong?
In the rain, Lu Zhitao looked at her father's pained and hunched back, and for a moment she seemed to doubt herself—
Am I really a bad person?
Maybe.
But none of that matters, does it?
Lu Zhitao looked up at the sky as rain fell, her wet eyelashes trembling. She closed her eyes, listening to the sound of the rain, trying to think, trying to think, what could she still gain by fighting now?
The rain was getting heavier, and she still hadn't figured out a good way out for her current situation.
So she turned around, and as she walked along the mountain road, a luxurious carriage came to a leisurely stop. A pair of hands deftly lifted the curtain, followed by a woman's clear, concerned voice.
"Girl, it's raining so hard, why are you alone on this mountain road!"
Lu Zhitao looked up, but she didn't speak. She looked lost and sad.
The woman looked even more anxious, and she said foolishly,
"Don't be afraid. My surname is Li, and I live near Mount Tai. You see, we'll get there soon."
"Your clothes are all wet... If you don't mind, how about getting into my carriage first? There are no outsiders inside."
"Hey, don't cry..."
She seemed to be a truly righteous and kind girl. Braving the rain and holding an umbrella, she stepped off the carriage, a delicate long sword tucked at her waist. In a hurry, she came to Lu Zhitao.
She held up the umbrella to shield Lu Zhitao from the rain. She reached out and put her arm around Lu Zhitao's shoulder.
"It's raining so hard, it's dangerous for you to be here alone."
"My house is just up ahead."
"Come with me."
As she spoke these words, warmly, anxiously, and with a touch of naive enthusiasm, she led Lu Zhitao onto her path.
At that time, Lu Zhitao hadn't really thought that much about it. She just, deep down, vaguely felt—
She's the one.
So thereafter, half-jokingly and half-jokingly, Lu Zhitao and Li Ruoxin became sisters, laughing together, crying together, enjoying the cool air together, sleeping together, doing harmless little mischief together, and complaining about the people and things they hated.
Sometimes, Lu Zhitao would even openly express her spoiled, jealous, and malicious thoughts.
After all, only imperfect people can win perfect love.
Ruoxin sometimes gets angry, but she always feels sorry for Lu Zhitao. She thinks that Lu Zhitao must have been hurt by her childhood experiences, which makes Zhitao stubborn in many things and even lie.
She helped Lu Zhitao, protected Lu Zhitao, and favored Lu Zhitao.
Lu Zhitao was always moved to tears after she forgave and understood her.
"Ruoxin, you are so wonderful."
Li Ruoxin, how can you be so good?
How can so many people love you?
How could that be?
"No, I'm just being nice to you."
"Zhitao, you know, I only have eyes for you."
As she spoke, standing under the peach tree, she personally adorned Lu Zhitao's hair with the most beautiful peach blossom of the new year. She smiled, her eyes crinkling, looking absolutely gorgeous.
It's so beautiful.
The peach blossoms are so beautiful.
The light and shadow penetrated to the bone, the gentle breeze was warm and comforting. The girl pursed her lips and lowered her head, her heart suddenly pounding, but alas, she was unaware of it, unable to be aware of it.
Lu Zhitao thought that the reason why Li Ruoxin was so good was probably because everything around her was good, except for Lu Zhitao.
Oh well,
I want to be as good as you, to have the same love as you, but how can I do that? I've thought and thought, thought and thought...
Perhaps, it's about becoming you.
If the heart.
Your background, your talents, your family, everything about you—I want it all so much.
If the heart.
Don't blame me, you're too naive. If you're not fooled by me today, you'll be fooled by someone else tomorrow.
If I can deceive others, why can't I deceive you?
This is how the world has always been, always has been.
...
If the heart.
You said, "I killed you again."
You looked at me calmly, yet painfully, through my eyes.
Actually, it was at that moment that I truly felt fear. I was afraid, I was afraid of you, I was afraid of myself.
You're so naive. How could someone who has already died once crawl out of hell to find the murderer and force her to kill them again?
Ruoxin, it turns out, I didn't want to get what you got, or possess what you had.
It turns out, all I really wanted was to be you.
Become yourself, become a happy and powerful person.
Become you, become someone who is so kind as to be foolish.
I want to be you.
I want you.
I want you.
...
What a pity, what a pity, the moment I killed you again...
I'm looking at myself, and you're looking at yourself.
In a ridiculous illusion, we locked eyes for the last time, our gazes filled with a nameless, madly sharp love and malice. Finally, my heart trembled violently, constricted, and plummeted—
I finally realized,
I can never be you.
And you will never understand me.
...
Lu Zhitao died with great resentment. She thought about many things, and resentment, jealousy, fear, and all sorts of emotions welled up in her heart.
But at the very last moment, all she could hear was "you, you, you."
She spent her entire life fighting for love, yet never gave the world a single ounce of love in return. So much so that in her final moments, clutching her heart, she hugged herself, lost and confused, wondering...
I am indeed a bad person, but you are a good person.
So, what is my purpose?
My heart is set on you.
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