I am not
The school bell rang against the mottled walls of the teaching building, and the noise flowed through the corridor like a receding tide, and was quickly swallowed by the dusk into the alleys of the old city.
Li Huaizhou was carrying a washed-out canvas schoolbag, his fingers unconsciously picking at the frayed edges of the bag's strap—the strap had been torn by the hook at the bar's back door last week, and he had hastily taped it shut, his fingertips still feeling the rough glue marks. He didn't leave, his gaze fixed on a figure standing by the railing not far away. Xie Mo had a black shoulder bag slung over his shoulder, and his white school uniform was dazzling in the dim light, but his eyes were fixed on him.
This is already the third week. Ever since Xie Mo started to "stick" with him, Li Huaizhuo's life has been like being thrown into stagnant water with a stone in it. When he entered the classroom in the morning, there was always a bag of warm milk on the corner of the table. It was an imported brand, and the packaging was not stained with dust. When he was dozing off during class, his elbow would be gently touched, and when he looked up, he would see the notebook Xie Mo handed him. The key points were circled with a red pen. The handwriting looked a little messy, but it was particularly neat and beautiful, much better looking than his own sloppy handwriting. Even after school, Xie Mo would follow him in the opposite way, and would not stop until he saw him turn into the dark alley where the bar was.
Li Huaizhou clenched his schoolbag straps, his knuckles turning pale. He and Xie Mo were unfamiliar with each other, and school had only been underway for two months. What made him even more nervous was the invisible chasm between them. This gap was like a cloth soaked in ice water, cold and heavy when wrapped around him. He didn't understand why Xie Mo had to come close to him and turn their worlds upside down.
The number of people in the corridor dwindled until only the two of them were left. Li Huaizhou took a deep breath, turned, and walked towards Xie Mo. As he passed by him, he reached out and grasped Xie Mo's wrist. The wrist was very thin, and the skin was as warm as cotton in the sun. It was completely different from his own hands, which had been calloused from years of holding microphones and wiping wine glasses, and which always had a bit of the cold air of a bar.
Xie Mo obviously didn't expect him to take action. He paused and looked up at him with a puzzled look in his eyes. "What's wrong?" Xie Mo's voice was very soft and clear like unpolluted water, completely different from the rough voices of the customers in the bar and the impatience of the boss.
Li Huaizhou didn't answer, but increased his strength to drag the person towards the innermost toilet on the third floor. The toilet was located in a remote area, with unstable water pressure, and was always filled with the smell of disinfectant mixed with mold. The windows were covered with dust. When no one came as school was about to end, Li Huaizhou pushed the door open, and the door panel creaked harshly. He let go of his hand, took a half step back, and leaned his back against the cold tile wall - only in this way could he suppress the panic in his heart, let him stand a little more steadily, and not be crushed by the unspoken "why"
Xie Mo stood opposite him, his back to the dim light coming in from the window. Li Huaizhou couldn't see his expression clearly, but he could see that his eyelashes were very long and drooped, blocking his eyes. The toilet was very quiet, with only the sound of the wind blowing in from the window and the noise of his classmates in the corridor. Li Huaizhou's breathing was rapid and disordered.
Li Huaizhou clenched his palms and spoke first, his voice tense: "Xie Mo, what do you want to do?" He didn't dare to look into Xie Mo's eyes, his eyes fell on the other's shoes.
"Put the milk in the morning, borrow notes during recess, follow me after school...are we close? Can't you just stay away from me?"
The last words came out quickly and hurriedly, as if trying to hide something. But inside, there were even heavier thoughts, unspoken: Aren't you afraid of getting tainted by my "dirt" by following me around like this? Aren't you afraid that people in your class will say you're hanging around with "the guy who does that kind of thing in the bar"? Aren't you afraid that your parents will find out and tell you to stay away from me?
Xie Mo didn't answer immediately, but stood quietly, his fingers slowly loosening and then tightening their grip on the pen. He tilted his head slightly, as if he was seriously considering Li Huaizhou's words, and as if he felt sorry for the fatigue that could not be hidden in his eyes. After about ten seconds, Xie Mo softly said "hmm", the sound as light as a feather falling on the water, causing no ripples, but it made Li Huaizhou's heart rise, as if he was waiting for a rainstorm that he had long expected, but still dreaded.
There was another silence. Li Huaizhou's heartbeat was getting faster and faster, and his chest felt like a rabbit was running around. He could even hear his own heavy breathing clearly. He was about to ask again, to say "Don't bother me anymore", when he heard Xie Mo's voice fall. It was as light as the wind, but every word hit his heart, making him stiff.
"Because I like you, I thought it was obvious"
Li Huaizhou froze, as if he had been suddenly splashed with a basin of cold water, chilling him from head to toe. He opened his mouth, but for a long time no words came out, his mind was in a mess - no one had ever said "like" to him, let alone someone like Xie Mo. This person was clean and superior, and saying "like" to someone like him was as absurd as the nonsense a guest said after drinking, but it really made him panic.
The first thing that came to him was panic. "Are you crazy?" He instinctively shrank back, his back hurting from the tiles, his voice trembling. "We're both boys... and I..." He trailed off, the pause in his words like a wound—the word "like" became like a needle, piercing him painfully.
Then came a deeper inferiority complex. He looked down at himself: the collar of his school uniform was loose, revealing a light brown scar on his collarbone, which was rubbed by a drunk last time; there was a circle of light red marks on his wrist, which was squeezed by a guest last night; his schoolbag contained a wrinkled lyrics book and a half-eaten box of cheap biscuits - that was his lunch today. Then think of Xie Mo, wearing a spotless school uniform, holding an expensive pen in his hand, with a future as bright as a sunny day, while he could only be trapped in the shadow of life, not even knowing what kind of guests he would meet tomorrow. There was no gap between them, it was a world of difference. Xie Mo was in the clouds, and he was in the mud. If they got a little closer, it would seem like they were defiling each other.
"No." Li Huaizhou finally found his voice and spoke quickly and firmly, as if he was drawing a line between himself and Xie Mo, and as if he was desperately trying to convince himself, "Xie Mo, stop joking. I... I don't like boys." He paused, his throat tightened, and his voice lowered, with a hint of broken pot. "I'm not gay, don't bother me."
Xie Mo didn't move, nor did he refute. He just slowly raised his head. In the dim light, Li Huaizhou could vaguely see his expression - no anger, no retreat, only a stubborn seriousness in his eyes. "I'm not kidding, and I don't want to find anyone else." Xie Mo took a small step forward, getting closer to Li Huaizhou. His voice was very soft, with a hint of cautious tentativeness, as if he didn't want to scare him away. "You don't have to agree now. Let me follow you, okay? I won't bother you or touch you. I'll just watch from a distance."
Li Huaizhou wanted to shake his head immediately, wanted to throw the word "no" hard at Xie Mo, wanted him to leave quickly. But he met Xie Mo's eyes - those eyes that usually carried a bit of indifference, without any disgust, no contempt, only pure love, like a ray of moonlight that rarely penetrated the bar, so gentle that he couldn't bear to push it away. He also knew Xie Mo's temperament, he looked like he didn't care about anything, but in fact he was more stubborn than anyone else.
The stalemate lasted for a full half minute. Li Huaizhou's back was numb from the cold of the tiles, his palms were sweating, and even his fingertips were trembling slightly. He finally lost his temper, as if all his strength had been drained away. His voice was as low as a mosquito's, with a hint of resignation and helplessness.
"Whatever you want, just don't get too close."
After saying this, Li Huaizhou didn't even glance at Xie Mo. He suddenly pushed open the door beside him and walked out, almost as if he was escaping. His steps were so fast that he stumbled, and his schoolbag swung behind him, hitting his back and causing a slight pain, but he didn't dare stop. He could feel that Xie Mo hadn't caught up with him, but his back felt like it was being stared at by two pairs of eyes - one was Xie Mo's, warm like the sun, but so hot that he dared not look back; the other was his own shadow, cold as the room on the second floor of the bar, and it was suffocating him.
When he walked out of the teaching building, it was already dark. The neon lights at the entrance of the alley were on, and the red and green lights were reflected on the ground, like spread mud. Li Huaizhou clutched the straps of his schoolbag and walked towards the bar - the boss must have been waiting for him. Tonight's "guests" were said to be very picky, so he had to go back early to prepare. When he passed by the glass at the entrance of the alley, he subconsciously glanced at it, but did not see Xie Mo.
Disappeared...? Okay.
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