Chapter 1 The Way We Came From
I have always been walking alone in the dark.
The hope of breaking free from constraints is as faint as the occasional glimmer of a firefly in the night.
There is no power to rely on.
The outcome was unpredictable.
But I want to give it my all and fight for it.
I think that even if the final result is not satisfactory, it is still a glorious achievement despite the defeat.
*
I was reborn into the Li Family Village in Yanbei during the Great Gan Dynasty.
In a feudal, closed-minded, and patriarchal peasant family.
My father is mute, and my mother is a disfigured ugly woman.
In remote areas, there are many unruly people. My parents' physical defects were not only objects of ridicule, but also a reason for their exploitation.
Bad luck, misfortune, and a season of drought for the crops are all my parents' fault.
They stepped on my parents' backs, as if that would make them superior.
Since I was born, what I have heard and seen is unfair, yet seemingly justified, oppression.
My father was dull and timid, and he wanted to prove to his family that he was a useful person by doing more work.
My mother diligently took on all the housework so that my two sisters and I could do less work.
Grandparents, uncles, aunts, and other relatives should rightfully enjoy the sacrifices made by their parents.
They treated us sisters as rare commodities, waiting for us to grow up and be sold for money.
Their parents were unable to escape this abnormal living environment.
Because they lack awareness and courage.
Furthermore, because... he had no money at all.
The birth of our son, Ou Ge'er, made our family's life much easier.
Grandpa and Grandma began to favor this handsome boy.
The mother began, "Now that you have a younger brother, you have someone to rely on. Your grandmother will no longer sell you off to others so easily."
Dad was very happy, my eldest sister was very happy, and my second sister was very happy.
Family ties veiled their emotions.
I smiled and enjoyed the brief peace of my childhood, protecting my little brother Ou Ge'er every step of the way.
In this era where men are expected to make their way in the world, a healthy son is also my hope.
The day my son passed away, I knew I had no time to grow up.
I have to force this weak body to embark on the journey to escape this cannibalistic cage.
Slow down any further, and I fear the next tragedy will be that of my eldest sister, or my second sister, or even this four-year-old body.
*
I started to become stupid; when feeding the chickens, I would get covered in chicken droppings and accidentally crush a chicken to death.
Lighting a fire would fill the room with ash, forcing everyone to eat food mixed with ash.
My grandmother beat and scolded me, but my mother protected me.
Grandma, feeling guilty about Ou Ge'er's affair, ultimately dared not meet my eyes.
I got the easiest job in the family as I wished—to go with my aunt to the county town to visit my second cousin who was studying at a private school there.
The path out must be outside the village.
When I was in the county town, I felt like a person dying of dehydration in the desert who had been placed in a sweet mountain spring.
*
In this day and age, even setting up a stall next to a dry toilet requires connections to ensure success.
Leveraging existing resources became my only way to break through the impasse.
My advantage is that my soul stands on the shoulders of giants.
Wu Xubai was a faint spark of light that I saw in the darkness.
He was his second cousin's classmate and the person his second cousin tried to curry favor with; his family was in business.
They lived a life of extravagance and squandered money like water.
His second cousin fawned over him, hoping he would recommend him for a job as an accountant or manager at Wu's Trading Company, thus solving his employment problem.
To get closer to him, I needed a frequent opportunity to visit the county town.
When we first met, I was four years old and he was eleven.
He was still a sunny, cheerful kid, enjoying the adoration of his second cousin and others, and reveling in the joy of being the boss.
On the day we first met, I had short, uneven hair that was neither male nor female, and long, thin bangs that could cover the dark color in my eyes that was different from my age.
He had a fondness for the noble color purple, wearing brocade robes and fine clothes, with a lustrous jade pendant at his waist.
Fox-like eyes when smiling have a special charm that makes them unforgettable.
I made a snap decision to get his attention.
"Second brother, why are you hanging out with a thief?"
"Who is the thief?"
I pointed at him: "Him."
The second cousin scolded, "Stop talking nonsense! Apologize to Young Master Wu right now!"
"I didn't say anything wrong, so why did my second brother hit me on the head?"
The first thing Wu Xubai said to me was, "What did I steal from you?"
I didn't reply to him, but looked at my second cousin with a wronged expression: "If he hadn't stolen Laozi's elixir, how could he be so handsome?"
That day, Wu Xubai instructed someone to buy me a box of sweet tamarind pastries, a treat that most people could only dream of.
I didn't get to eat it, nor did my sisters and parents.
But half a month later, my aunt came to the city again and took me with her.
*
Wu Xubai seemed to believe in children's words and was completely absorbed in my flattery.
I made him very happy.
He asked me, "Are the tamarind pastries sweet?"
I said, "It's very sweet."
He burst out laughing, pointed at me and my second cousin, and said, "You neither-brother-nor-sister thing, do you have a problem with your sense of taste? Tamarind pastries are supposed to be sweet and salty, how can this be so sweet?"
My aunt and second cousin both looked unwell.
He also gave me a box of sweet croissant pastries.
My aunt reluctantly gave me a piece, saying that my good fortune was thanks to her taking me to the county town, and then took the rest.
I took it home and shared it with my eldest and second eldest sisters and my parents, lying that I had already eaten it.
I saw that they were very satisfied with their meal; they were happy at that moment.
The smiles on their faces comforted my lonely heart.
At night, Dad put a small piece of saffron pastry into my mouth.
Wu Xubai lied to me; the sweet tamarind pastry is sweet, not salty at all.
But tears are salty.
*
The third time I met Wu Xubai, he still asked me, "Are the sweet tamarind pastries sweet?"
I smiled and told him, "It's sweet, not salty at all."
He laughed and told me to tie my hair up.
I won't get pricked.
As a sister who is even more professional than a lackey, I provide emotional value to them, receive tips, and gain the freedom to travel between the village and the county.
I took advantage of my access to the county town to seek an opportunity to break free from my constraints.
But who would want to talk serious business with a child whose body is only four years old?
Not only are class divisions blocking my way, but I am also disadvantaged by my age.
I guarded that tiny glimmer of starlight in the darkness, a glimmer that could be extinguished at any moment, until I turned five.
The rings of time push us forward.
After the New Year, the eldest sister turned twelve, and Wu Xubai also turned twelve.
When Wu Xubai returned from Yicheng after celebrating the New Year, he brought me, his number one lackey, a lot of delicious food.
He asked me what my New Year's wishes were.
I said, "May Young Master Wu always be smiling and carefree."
He laughed until tears streamed down his face. As he raised his hand to wipe them away, I noticed the bruises on his wrist.
He said, "You lackey, you have one more chance to ask me for a reward."
I asked sincerely, "If you give me another reward, could you please keep half of it for me?"
He brushed the bangs off my forehead with his palm.
Our eyes met, and my gaze reflected the color of my soul: "Is it alright?"
I don't know why he looked at me with such pitiful eyes.
After a long pause, just as I was about to ask again, he let down my bangs and said, "Okay."
That year, there was still light in his eyes.
He still wandered around the county town with his dogs, looking like a spoiled brat, but he excelled in his studies, ranking first in the entire private school.
He asked me, "Li San, do you believe that I will definitely pass the imperial examination with flying colors in the future?"
Of course I believe it.
A young boy who helps those in need and carries coins to tip beggars is sure to have a bright future.
*
We are all striving in the direction we want to go.
His path lies in the Four Books and Five Classics, while my path remains uncertain.
I tried to approach Wu Xubai, but he said he didn't want to go into business; he wanted to take the imperial examinations and become an official.
I also tried selling recipes for steamed bun fillings, but the other party devoured them all, leaving not a trace.
The spark I was protecting was almost extinguished.
What keeps me moving forward is the radiance of the will of my ancestors who endured hunger with cotton quilts and the Long March, a will that transcends time and space.
If I fail, I will choose to walk away first and die on this road.
*
I dread the Lunar New Year, because it means my older sister is one step closer to the abyss.
But time is always urging me on.
In the blink of an eye, I'm six years old, my older sister is thirteen, and Wu Xubai is also thirteen.
That year, our fates were altered by the official's pen, and some people became unrecognizable.
The judge's pen is used to write in the summer.
That day, it rained heavily.
A large crowd had gathered in front of my parents' room.
The eldest aunt persuaded the grandmother to agree to exchange the eldest sister for a marriage with her own nephew, and to take the eldest sister away.
The usually timid father stood guard at the door, clutching the kitchen knife he had just sharpened the day before.
"Fourth brother, are you crazy! Trading your daughter for two of my nieces to marry into our family is a win for the Li family!"
My aunt stood with her hands on her hips, her mean face stinging me.
Grandma was also cursing: "Is my food so delicious! You jinx, you damned thing struck by lightning, if you don't hand over Fu'er today, I'll chop you on the head!"
Mother held the three of us sisters in the house.
She offered us comfort and warmth with her embrace.
I watched helplessly as my aunt led her men forward, and then I watched helplessly as my father went berserk and slashed my aunt's arm.
The crowd was terrified.
Aunt screamed, "The mute man has gone mad! The mute man is going to kill someone!"
I saw my mute father standing fearlessly in front of the door, his hand holding the knife trembling so much that tears welled up in my eyes.
Opposite him were his brothers, parents, and people from his aunt's family.
Of all those people, he was the thinnest.
The heavy rain soaked through his thin, simple clothes.
He had his back to us.
I could almost see the slightly hunched spine of him.
He used his thin shoulders to protect his wife and daughter behind him.
The blood that fell into the mud was quickly washed away by the heavy rain.
More people gathered around, and Mother let go of us, grabbed the wood-chopping knife she had been holding for a while, and rushed out.
Her voice trembled, but her aura was frenzied.
"Come on! Let's hold the funeral together!"
"I'll risk my whole family to drag all of you unlucky souls down with me!"
"Whoever wants to die, come first! If you won't let my family live, then we'll all die together!"
"You old hag, if your son doesn't chop you up, I'll dare to chop you up!"
"You shameless woman! Your own son is getting married, but you won't use your own daughter to exchange for a bride. You're trying to steal my daughter! I'll kill you!!!"
*
The stubborn are afraid of the ruthless, and the ruthless are afraid of the reckless.
The parents' insane act of sacrificing the entire family alarmed the clan chief, who was selectively deaf.
The eldest sister is safe for now.
But our family was kicked out by Grandpa and Grandma.
They want to force my parents to hand over my eldest sister.
Or they could wait until their parents were too hungry to resist before kidnapping their eldest sister.
We moved to an abandoned cowshed at the entrance of the village.
Grandpa and Grandma didn't even let us take a single piece of clothing.
But her parents never let go of their weapons.
Life is like a mix of hope and despair.
Children only know that they are safe when they are with their parents.
Only parents know the bitterness of facing this situation.
*
It's raining, and there's not even any dry firewood.
Of the 107 households in the village, not a single one offered my family a helping hand.
Everyone's just waiting for my family to back down.
A lowly person who had been trampled on for half his life actually stood up for his daughter.
"Needs more practice!"
"Isn't it normal for grandparents to marry their granddaughter off to widowers or people with missing limbs in exchange for a high dowry?"
"Isn't that how every family lives?"
People gathered not far away, pointing and whispering about our disheveled state.
Women in this era are born to be sacrifices.
You disagree?
A boy can carry two sacks of wheat, but two girls might be able to carry one sack.
The economic situation, in effect, exacerbated the prevailing patriarchal ideology.
I watched as that group of ignorant village women mocked what my parents had done.
I have come to a profound understanding of the saying, "You can't talk about ice with a summer insect."
I also realized that my meager strength was barely enough to protect my own family, let alone change the course of the tide of history.
My goal is to build a small boat that can shelter me from the wind and rain on the flood.
Our whole family can live freely on the small boat.
*
What a faint wish.
It's like a child who hasn't even started kindergarten yet aspires to build a rocket.
Unreachable.
What draws me to that unattainable dream is the faint flame in my heart.
I followed my light and went alone to the county town.
Wu Xubai promised to keep half of the reward for me, and now it's like a carrot dangling in front of our whole family—our hope to keep going.
The rain has subsided.
The drops fell softly onto the cleaned bluestone pavement of the county town.
A noble young man rode past me on horseback with his entourage, roaring and knocking me, who was wearing a lotus leaf on my head, to the ground.
The horseshoe landed at my feet, brushing against my patched-up shoe covers, and then disappeared into the distance.
These rude people are going in the same direction as me.
I got up and quickened my pace, running forward.
I need to bring back food, money, and hope quickly.
However, what greeted me was the cruel scene of a butterfly having its wings broken.
*
"Even after being exiled to a small county town, he still won't behave!"
"Wu Xubai, forbidden by his father to get involved in business, has now set his sights on a career in government?"
In the alleyway.
The young master in purple, who was usually pampered, was grabbed by the shoulders by his servants and forced to kneel on the ground.
Wu Xubai's noble elder brother, with his short beard, squatted down and patted his still-childish cheek.
Do you even understand what the term "illegitimate son" means?
Wu Xubai pleaded in despair, "I won't learn anymore, brother, please spare me."
His elder brother stood up, and the umbrella held by the servant moved with his brother's movement.
Raindrops dripped onto him.
I stood at the entrance of the alley and saw his elder brother take out a handkerchief to wipe his fingertips.
"What's the use of not daring? Father already knows you have an exceptional talent for studying and wants to bring you back to Yicheng."
The voice was deep and chilly, like a knife scraping against the ear.
I had a bad feeling, and my heart instantly clenched into a knot.
I ran towards him, but something seemed to be stuck in my throat, and the shout from the bottom of my heart made no sound.
I want to say: Stop!
His elder brother, however, could speak and utter chilling words.
"Cripple him."
The handkerchief used to wipe hands fell into the rain, gradually becoming soaked, and then gradually stained with blood.
The thirteen-year-old boy, of middle school age, had his pain swallowed back.
When I rushed to his side, the blood from his lower body had soaked through his noble clothes.
Someone grabbed my collar, pulled my hair, and forced me to look up.
My bangs were already soaked by the rain and stuck to my forehead.
I stared straight at the person who had thrown the handkerchief, unable to contain my anger, and memorized his face.
Perhaps my gaze was too direct, for he walked towards me, stood in front of me, and reached out his hand to my bangs.
A strong force pulled me into their arms, and they rolled over and pinned me beneath them.
The pain made him curl up, and his hot tears fell onto my neck.
"Hmph!" His elder brother sneered, "Wu Xubai, to satisfy that little bit of homosexuality, you actually castrated yourself, you're something else."
Raindrops pelted my face, which was turned towards the sky, mingling with my worthless tears and returning to the heavens and earth.
He was trembling, so I gently hugged him tighter.
After the footsteps faded into the distance, I said, "Let's go see a doctor."
He was silent, his trembling grew more and more violent, and hot tears fell more and more heavily onto my neck.
I pushed him off me and tried to help him up to see a doctor.
He lay on the ground like a dead dog, his hands trembling, as he untied the purse from his waist and tossed it to me.
A roar filled with despair: "Get out!!!"
"Don't let me see you again!"
I'm too small to carry him on my back, so I struggled to pull him along: "Let's go see a doctor!"
His voice, a mixture of crying and laughing, came from his throat.
It seemed as if he was laughing at himself for being an illegitimate son who still harbored the delusion of changing his fate and striving for advancement.
It was as if he was crying that his whole life was over.
The voice was inexplicably desolate and sorrowful.
Gradually, the sound turned into loud laughter, wild laughter, and maniacal laughter.
Then it fell silent again.
I turned him over.
His body was still trembling, as if he had become numb from extreme pain.
But his eyes were devoid of emotion.
He was determined to die.
At that moment, I felt as if I were being swallowed by a flood.
With tears welling up in my eyes, I grabbed his collar.
Whose future isn't uncertain?
"Wu Xubai, don't let your enemies defeat you!"
"How will you know you'll lose if you don't try?"
"Get up! Stand up!"
"Take back everything he took away!"
"You should step on his face and tell him that he is inferior to you, and even if he were reincarnated, he would still be inferior to you!"
"Stand up, fight, and struggle!"
"Get up now!!!"
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