Chapter 148: The Past is Full of Suffering
Standing on the high-rise corridor, overlooking the bustling crowds and traffic of Bianjing, the worldly splendor seems like a dream. The laughter and tears of those who come and go are all burned in the magnificent furnace into the myriad things of the world. Whether one suffers or not, whether one is rich or poor, true or false, is impossible to discern or understand. It only adds to the illusion, and nothing is clear anymore.
More than twenty years ago, she entered Bianjing, accompanied by her brother, a martial arts master who had been her only support. He was full of vigor and ambition, surveying the land with confidence. Only a select few heroes could earn her favor. Back then, from the Seven Saints Alliance of the Bewitching Heaven, she looked upon Bianjing and found every corner to her liking. It was as if the world were an unfinished poem, and she envisioned one day conquering all its splendor and leaving her mark, so that the world would see her for what she truly was.
More than twenty years later, she returned to Bianjing, alone, filled with a deep-seated resentment and sorrow that defied explanation. Leaning against the railing, gazing out again, she was struck by the fleeting nature of life and could only sigh hastily. The densely packed streets and the extravagant wealth seemed devoid of warmth; she saw only a dried-up riverbed, with nothing but ruins on either side of the road.
She had no more words to say to Bianjing. She had already said everything she needed to say on her first day in Bianjing, more than twenty years ago.
Everything it once gave her is now buried here. Sometimes, even in the dead of night, when she dreams of her youth, she can't understand whether she is dead or alive.
She had nothing to say.
Deep-seated hatred, fifteen years of torment—what more could she say standing here? The world is vast, the sky is blue and yellow; Bianjing more than twenty years later is no longer the Bianjing of twenty years ago, and she is no longer Guan Zhaodi of twenty years ago.
Having lived this long, I have nothing left to say.
After looking for an unknown amount of time without seeing anything, Guan Zhaodi gazed in the direction of the Six and a Half Hall and then withdrew her gaze.
A few footsteps drifted into the half-open door, and a figure gradually approached. The maid guarding the door opened it for Xie Huailing, and she gracefully entered the room, moving with delicate steps to Guan Zhaodi's side.
Guan Zhaodi didn't turn around; her gaze drifted into the air. She and Xie Huailing remained silent until suddenly a deep sense of disgust and exhaustion overwhelmed her. She didn't want to look at her anymore, yet she was still looking down, but she didn't know where she was looking: "Miss Xie."
Xie Huailing replied, "Madam Guan."
She asked, "Has Bianjing changed from what you remember, Madam?"
"I don't remember many things." Guan Zhaodi's voice was low, or perhaps it was because she had nothing to rely on, and the place was no longer the same, making her feel miserable and sad. "But things have definitely changed. No place, no person will be the same. The martial world will not wait for anyone, and neither will Bianjing."
Bianjing has always been incredibly cruel to people; it's pitiful that she only understood this when she was almost on the verge of death.
Xie Huailing agreed with her, saying, "The saying 'things change and people change' is just like the present situation. But Madam Guan has come back after all, and she will never leave again."
“Yes. What the world owes me, it should repay me a thousandfold or a hundredfold,” Guan Zhaodi said.
She finally stood on solid ground and turned around. The maids inside had all left, leaving her and Xie Huailing standing together, along with a young lady dressed as a young lady from a noble family, who was pouring tea for the cups at the table. This was probably Xie Huailing's confidante; she knew that Xie Huailing might have other plans, and that Jin Feng Xi Yu Lou also had its own intentions, but Guan Zhaodi didn't want to find out. She was no longer young, nor was she vibrant anymore.
She no longer cared about many things, and she no longer had that passion. She only came back because of hatred. In fact, she didn't even feel that her own life was worth much. She said, "I went to see the Six and a Half Hall."
A map lay on the table, the paper still pristine, indicating it had been recently written: "Some things haven't changed, some places have been repurposed, but I still drew everything I remembered. Fifteen years... how come life has only gotten better and better?"
Guan Zhaodi's face was as cold as ice, with an indifferent expression.
Xie Huailing glanced at the Six and a Half Hall, and then at the people represented there. At this moment, she did not mention Qiu Lingsu or anyone else, and asked softly, "Madam Guan, what are your plans now?"
Without the slightest hesitation, Guan Zhaodi, who was clear about this matter, said, "If you want to die from lightning, I will also die from lightning. That's it."
"What about the Six and a Half Hall?" Xie Huailing asked again, gently tapping the woman who looked like a tattered sail. "And, Lord Guan, and Miss Lei."
Guan Zhaodi's lips moved, her expression a mixture of anger and sorrow, as if insects were crawling inside her, uncontrollable. After a while, the insects seemed to crawl away, and she suddenly asked Xie Huailing an unrelated question, her gaze distant, her eyes gleaming. She simply said, "Miss Xie, do you have any close friends with whom you would spend your life, even unto death? And what is your relationship with Master Su?"
The question seemed absurd. Xie Huailing coughed twice in the wind, but his face showed no sign of indifference. He replied, "I do have a close friend. There's no need to ask why we're so devoted to each other. I've already been through the gates of hell together. As for my cousin, although we often bicker, I know that I have no other relatives in the world. We depend on each other for survival, and I haven't been without his careful care for a single day."
Guan Zhaodi laughed, each laugh slower than the last, then suddenly quickened, filled with utter sorrow: "I didn't mean to offend Miss Xie, but that's what I thought back then. So do you know how many people I hated, hated to the bone, just to survive?"
Fifteen years ago, on a rainy night, filled with grief and indignation, and through days and nights of living a life worse than death, simply having the courage to live was no longer enough.
She received no justice or fairness; she was betrayed and left on the brink of death. So she said, "Who cares about their right or wrong? Can't I just hate them?!"
That was her answer. She finished speaking with a bitter laugh, and Guan Zhaodi's eyes stung with tears, but she was a person without tears.
What flowed out was nothing more than the pain that wouldn't let her go, and the pain that she wouldn't let go of either.
After a long silence, Guan Zhaodi spoke again: "As for the Six and a Half Hall, it's none of my business, nor do I intend to. That's your Golden Wind and Fine Rain Pavilion's arrangement. My brother... I won't go to see him, he doesn't remember me, and Wen Xiaobai and his daughter..."
"Do you think I didn't kill Wen Xiaobai because I didn't want to?"
That's all she meant. Now that Guan Zhaodi has come, she has made all the decisions.
“This matter has nothing to do with Qiu Lingsu and Ren Ci. Apart from involving the two of them, I can do anything for Jin Feng Xi Yu Lou. I have nothing to fear,” Guan Zhaodi said frankly.
She made that promise without asking a single question about the details, Jin Feng Xi Yu Lou's ideas, or Xie Huai Ling's schemes. She was already exhausted and didn't want to waste her energy on scheming and intrigue. Since Qiu Ling Su trusted Xie Huai Ling so much, she was willing to trust him this time too. Whatever the ending might be, she would accept it.
Extreme hatred contains extreme exhaustion, and extreme exhaustion contains extreme suffering.
Xie Huailing wanted to ask Guan Zhaodi questions, questions she had discussed with Guan Zhaodi beforehand, but now there was no need to ask them. She stayed by Guan Zhaodi's side, and together they continued to watch Bianjing City, people coming and going, the brick and tile furnaces boiling like a furnace.
Lin Shiyin served them tea. Today, she had come to learn from Xie Huailing, taking on the role of a student. Xie Huailing genuinely intended to teach her something. After listening to the entire conversation, Lin Shiyin was unsettled and understood even more clearly that what Xie Huailing had said about the dangers of the martial world was absolutely true. Moreover, in the sweltering summer heat, she felt a chill running through her body.
But she had no regrets about coming into the martial world. She went to see Guan Zhaodi, handed her hot tea, and left quietly without saying a word.
A thousand clouds drift by like sails, seemingly bound by a thousand knots.
For a long time, Guan Zhaodi almost thought she was dead. She didn't want to think about the past, but she remembered everything. In the midst of her sudden death, she didn't feel like sighing, but her mouth was already open.
She said something unrelated again, but the fact that she could still say it was a stroke of luck: "Back then, I was seriously injured and fled, my life hanging by a thread. I thought there was no true friendship left in the world, and even the best of sisters were just a joke. It wasn't until I met Ling Su that I realized it was just that God was too cruel to me, letting me meet Wen Xiaobai. It's like how I thought all men in the world were heartless and deserved to be torn to pieces, but after seeing how Ren Ci treated Ling Su, I finally understood..."
Guan Zhaodi said softly, "There is such a thing as unwavering love in the world, and there are good men like Ren Ci. People can stay with another person forever, regardless of appearance, wealth, or talent. It's just that I was given a thunderbolt."
She looked at Xie Huailing and asked, "Miss Xie, have you ever loved a man?"
Xie Huailing shook her head slightly. She seemed to recall a river, but it had dried up, and in the end, all that remained was pity: "Never."
“It’s never a good thing. There must be quite a few people pursuing Miss Xie, right?” Guan Zhaodi touched Xie Huailing’s face and told her his lesson in detail, saying, “You must be very careful and cautious in your selection. It must not only be someone you love, but also someone who loves you. Sincerity, in the end, all stories depend on the sincerity of the other person.”
Xie Huailing listened as Guan Zhaodi touched her face in her palm and continued to ramble on.
What is love in this world? Perhaps no one can truly explain it. Qiu Lingsu once enjoyed the affections of almost half the martial arts world, but all that was superficial. In the end, when her beauty was ruined, only Ren Ciai felt it more deeply than she had in her youth. Guan Zhaodi's past needs no further explanation. In the end, all she received from love was false affection. So much love, hate, and grudges were intertwined, ultimately destroying her. Even the daughter of the one who betrayed her grew up under the care of another who had betrayed her.
What is love in this world? Perhaps there should be no answer.
“I may not have a story,” Xie Huailing said. “I’m not someone who’s suited to have a story.”
Rather, she's more like someone who would betray the entire story.
Guan Zhaodi brushed her eyebrows and then touched the corner of her eye, saying, "This is something that cannot be explained."
“Even if you don’t, it’s not a big deal. People live for more than just that. Besides, Miss Xie is only eighteen this year. You have many years ahead of you.” Guan Zhaodi laughed. “For those who admire Miss Xie, they will always want a story. Maybe you will get it. Not everyone in the world is unlucky. It’s just that I’ve encountered Lei Sun.”
Xie Huailing remained silent, it was unclear whether she was thinking of someone or no one at all. She simply lowered her eyes and said nothing more.
Continue read on readnovelmtl.com