Chapter 59: Waiting Too Long
When Lin Shiyin was mentioned, Lin Shiyin arrived.
Her invitation arrived at Xie Huailing's doorstep less than an hour after Xie Huailing returned to the Golden Breeze and Drizzle Pavilion.
At that time, Xie Huailing was arranging Shaman's schedule. Shaman, who knew she had to choose between continuing the investigation and accompanying Xie Huailing, saw that Bai Feifei didn't even want to glance at Xie Huailing. She resolutely and without hesitation, knowing that hesitation would only lead to defeat, chose to continue the investigation, leaving Bai Feifei, who knew that this hatred would last forever, to stare at Xie Huailing.
Xie Huailing said, "Look, I've tried to help you struggle, but she's unwilling, so there's nothing I can do."
Bai Feifei said, "This is all your fault."
Xie Huailing said, "How can this be my problem? Why don't you reflect on yourself? Have you been working hard lately? Have you been building a good relationship with Shaman? Don't push everything onto me. It's hard for me to keep finding ways to torment you. Besides, I'm not that kind of woman. I'm practically offering myself to you. Every time I think about what to do next, it's hard for me to stop laughing..."
Xie Huailing didn't have a chance to finish speaking because Bai Feifei attacked her.
Bai Feifei, who could be considered the most skilled female martial artist of her generation in the martial arts world, gradually saw through everything over the past few days. Knowing she wouldn't get the better of Xie Huailing verbally, she reached out her hand. Xie Huailing, whose fighting strength was measured in units of a runaway goose from the market she'd fought with in elementary school, was no match for her. With a fighting strength of only 0.5 goose, Xie Huailing's only chance of winning was to anticipate Bai Feifei's change in expression and, lifting her skirt, run away.
In this chase, Bai Feifei made up for the regret of never having chased and played with her playmates in her childhood. Putting aside the fact that she probably didn't want this kind of compensation at all, the two of them started fooling around downstairs in the drizzling rain. Still mindful of not being too ruthless on someone else's turf, Bai Feifei didn't use her true skills. Two shadowy figures floated past the trees full of winter plum blossoms, and then leaped onto the vast snowfield, a unique and beautiful sight in the world.
The cold wind and flying snow swirled around her hair, dissipating amidst the woman's laughter and breath, gentle yet ceaseless, tranquil yet subtly shimmering.
But Xie Huailing couldn't run for long. By sheer coincidence, she bumped into Su Mengzhen, who had just returned from martial arts practice, before being caught. Instantly, she cried out, "Cousin, save me!" and hid behind Su Mengzhen. Su Mengzhen, not understanding what was happening, was suddenly grabbed by her clothes and pressed against her back. He froze at first, then met Bai Feifei's eyes, which were still burning with resentment and anger.
In the end, Su Mengzhen resolved the matter. Since Xie Huailing had at least exercised, Su Mengzhen didn't say much to her. Instead, he paid close attention to the relationship between Xie Huailing and Bai Feifei. Seeing Xie Huailing sidling up to Bai Feifei again after everything was over, he secretly made up his mind.
What happened next will not be discussed for now; it was just a routine report.
.
The quiet little music hall is located on the left side of the Imperial Street, next to the Bian River. It occupies a small area, but its charm lies in its unique style. It has always been loved by literati and poets, and it was the place that Lin Shiyin booked.
She was also adept at choosing embellishments, especially flowers, which she meticulously selected. Upon entering, Xie Huailing immediately noticed several daffodils gracefully swaying in the corner of the table, nestled together like ethereal fairies, their slender forms seemingly inviting warmth in the cold, their fragrance subtly wafting. A few roses, too, bloomed solitarily by the window, their fragrance like snow, adding to the melancholy. Outside the window, everything was pristine and serene; inside, every corner was pleasant and inviting. With these flowers, even the cleverest craftsmanship of the music hall paled in comparison.
This is understandable, though. Lin Shiyin's invitation stated that she wanted to invite the young lady from Jin Feng Xi Yu Lou to enjoy elegant music, so the banquet was naturally a small affair. Fortunately, Sha Man had prepared a gift for Xie Huailing beforehand—a painting or calligraphy by a famous artist—so he wouldn't lose face.
When giving a gift to the young lady of the Qingliu family, calligraphy and paintings are always a safe bet. Sure enough, Lin Shiyin liked them very much. She unfolded them and was overjoyed. Her delicate eyebrows lifted up as she carefully admired them on the table. Then, realizing that it was not the right time, she put them away and smiled at Xie Huailing: "I never expected that Miss Xie would be so particular about calligraphy and paintings. I wish I had met you sooner."
She brushed the hair behind her ear, looking a little better than before, and more energetic. She said, "I used to stay in Li Garden and didn't have many friends. Come to think of it, this is the first time I've received calligraphy and paintings as gifts from someone other than my cousin."
This was something Xie Huailing had anticipated. Although a cousin of the Li family should have grown up surrounded by flattery and adulation, the families of officials were different from ordinary nobles. Grand Tutor Li didn't have high expectations for his descendants, but his indifference to wealth and dislike of flattery had been well passed down, especially his preference for a clean reputation over cosmetics. Therefore, Lin Shiyin, who resembled her maternal grandfather, would likely find it difficult to find like-minded friends at banquets for daughters of officials.
After speaking, Lin Shiyin smiled again, as if to make up for her previous smile. She didn't call for a maid, but poured tea for Xie Huailing and Bai Feifei herself, saying as she poured, "Our first two meetings were rather rushed, and there were many things I didn't have time to say to Miss Xie. After our last meeting, and after hearing Miss Xie's words, a thousand words welled up in my heart, so I dared to invite you. May I ask who this gentleman is?"
She was asking about Bai Feifei. Xie Huailing introduced Bai Feifei on her behalf, saying, "She's a friend of mine, a guest of Jinfeng Xiyu Tower. Her surname is Bai."
"So it's Miss Bai." Lin Shiyin greeted Bai Feifei with impeccable manners, as if she had been carved from a book. "I don't know Miss Bai's preferences. If Miss Bai would like anything, please just tell me. Please forgive me today. It was truly my oversight that I neglected Miss Bai."
She then presented the selected music list, and the musicians filed in, each carrying a pipa, konghou, dongxiao, and other instruments. Once seated, their fingertips plucked the strings, and the sounds of the instruments flowed out like a gentle stream. The music was elegant and refined, blending with the sparse snow shadows outside the window and the cool fragrance of daffodils on the table, lingering among the three of them, creating a scene of tranquil elegance.
The three of them remained silent for a moment, which only heightened the tension in their silence. After listening to a couple of songs, Xie Huailing decided not to wait any longer.
She had someone draw the curtains, two or three layers of gauze separating the musicians a few steps away, making it impossible to see or hear what they were saying. Xie Huailing spoke frankly, saying, "I've heard the music and drunk the tea. Miss Lin, since you've sent an invitation, please speak frankly about what you want to say. Deciding to come to me means you've already thought it through, doesn't it?"
Lin Shiyin took a deep breath, her smile fading considerably. She sat behind the rising steam of tea, her voice soft and hoarse, also shrouded in the smoke: "Miss Xie asked me last time why my brow furrowed with worry even more as my cousin's injuries improved. Today I've come to tell Miss Xie the reason. On that day at the Divine Marquis's Mansion, not long after Miss Xie left, my cousin and I had a fight."
The music was plaintive and sorrowful, seemingly echoing her own emotions.
Lin Shiyin mustered her courage and continued, "I went to ask him what happened and how it got like this, but he wouldn't tell me the truth. I said, 'Don't lie to me anymore. Miss Xie told me everything. Why are you hiding it from me?' But my cousin just said that such things are inevitable in the martial arts world, and he didn't tell me because he was afraid I would be hurt."
Tears silently welled up in her eyes, yet she stubbornly refused to let them fall, only her sobs could no longer be concealed. Resentment and grievances grew in the cracks of their relationship, prying open the once smooth bricks, allowing the dust to constantly invade: "We've argued like this far too many times. Miss Xie may not know, but my cousin and I are engaged."
“We grew up together. I had no friends, and he didn’t have many friends either. We’ve always been together since childhood, and our friendship is very deep. He has never treated me badly. He’s willing to give me anything that makes me happy, and he even risked his life to save me once. I have no parents, and I often think that when I grow up, I can marry my cousin and stay at home with him. Living a harmonious and peaceful life would be the best and most stable days.”
"But..." Her tone shifted, bitterness spreading through her, confusion rippling like waves. Her voice rose, filled with grief and fear, "He yearns for the martial world, always has. Now, he goes out every day, saying he's carefree, but every time he comes back, he's injured. I worry about him, I'm terrified. I can't lose anyone else. Sometimes when I see his injuries, I can't sleep all night. I always think of my parents; they've been gone for many years."
“Back then, it was my cousin who was with me that helped me get through it. If he had met with misfortune, what would I have done? So I begged him, pleaded with him, and kept telling him not to go back, but he wouldn’t listen every time. We started arguing, and each time it got worse. And then…” Her voice lowered, “He stopped telling me about the things that worried me, about the turmoil in the martial arts world.”
Tears finally streamed down her face, silently falling onto the carpet on the floor. She looked at Xie Huailing and said, "Miss Xie, I often wonder, does he really care about me? I know he has his ambitions, his own world of chivalry, his own sense of justice and revenge, but I just can't control myself. I just want him by my side. Why can't he be with me? I..."
She choked up and couldn't continue.
"He's all you have left," Xie Huailing calmly finished her sentence.
"Yes." Lin Shiyin nodded, tears streaming down her face. "He's all I have left."
The orphan girl's fear of being alone, her unease about living under someone else's roof, and her despair at pinning all her hopes on one person—she said, "Besides him, I have no skills or abilities. My parents left me nothing when they died. He's all I have left. But now, as I wait day after day, I even hate him a little."
Lin Shiyin lowered her head, already overwhelmed. In the daily waiting and anxiety, she and Li Xunhuan grew further and further apart. So much had passed between them that they no longer understood each other. She wept silently, heartbroken, while Li Xunhuan looked on anxiously, hesitant. Their childhood sweetheart relationship seemed like a thing of the past.
The opposite of love is hate; when love is insufficient, hate emerges.
After listening to her words, Xie Huailing asked in return, "So, what do you want to ask me? If you want to know how to win back Li Xunhuan's heart, so that he stops thinking about the martial world and marries you as his ideal husband, then you don't need to ask. Putting aside the fact that it is his ambition, I have no interest in seeing someone entrust the rest of their life to a man."
The words were like a bucket of ice water poured over Lin Shiyin's head, making her face even paler. Her lips moved a few times, but she ultimately fell silent. The music also lingered a bit, timidly drifting through the room.
After a long silence, Lin Shiyin finally found her voice and the words she wanted to say: "I... I didn't mean that. Miss Xie, I just want to ask, what do you think I should do? From beginning to end, all I've wanted is a place to belong. My parents have been dead for many years. If I hadn't married my cousin, where in this vast world would I have found a place to belong?"
"A place to belong?" Xie Huailing repeated the word, completely disagreeing with the idea. Bai Feifei, even more uninterested, turned away to tease the flowers. "If you marry him, will you find a place to belong? What place to belong? Waiting for him year after year, day after day, in Li Garden? Waiting for him to return covered in blood, unable to exchange a single word, trapped in the courtyard for the rest of your life, with no other way to live but waiting and crying?"
"If this is the kind of life you want, then all men in the world are no different."
Lin Shiyin was speechless at her question, her fingers twisting the handkerchief tightly.
Xie Huailing said, "Miss Lin, your problem has never been with Li Xunhuan. His yearning for the martial world is his choice. He may have had his reasons for keeping it from you, or it may just be his foolish male chauvinism. But the most crucial thing is yourself."
"It's me...?" Lin Shiyin murmured.
Yes, it's you.
Xie Huailing continued, "It's your weakness, your lack of support, and your stubbornness. You belittle yourself, seeing yourself as indispensable to Li Xunhuan, yet you also have extremely high aspirations, unable to understand him or trying to understand him. You may not even realize this yourself, but this is the root of the chasm between you, and the root of your suffering. You've staked everything, even your life, on Li Xunhuan, but you yourself may not be suited for such a position."
"You are better suited to truly possess something, better suited to take control of yourself. Forgive my bluntness, Ms. Lin, but you two may not be a good match. Not all people who love each other are suited to be together."
Xie Huailing looked at the shock on Lin Shiyin's face, a heavy pain that brought tears to his eyes again. The beautiful woman before him was digging her fingers into his own palm, her face already as pale as paper, utterly humiliated.
She continued, "Miss Lin, have you ever tried leaving Li Garden to take a look around?"
Lin Shiyin understood her unspoken meaning and instinctively resisted, saying, "Leave? No, I don't like the fighting and killing in the martial arts world. I want some peace and quiet."
"But if you have no one to rely on, nothing that truly belongs to you, you'll never find peace." Xie Huailing's soft voice was more alluring than any fragrance. "For a truly capable woman, there's no better place in the world than the martial arts world. Compared to entrusting your life and fortune to a man's conscience and care, what's wrong with taking control of your own life and deciding your own path? Even if your ending is a mountain of knives and a sea of fire, it's still your own choice."
"Before the spring breeze arrives, let's raise our cups to ward off the cold."
Lin Shiyin's voice was full of insecurity: "But I'm not a very capable person."
Xie Huailing interrupted her: "No, you are."
"Miss Li, you are well-read, knowledgeable in music, and have a delicate mind and keen observation skills. You can see through Li Xunhuan's concealment, sense the unspoken meaning in my words, and think of asking me for help when you are isolated and helpless. Isn't such keenness and decisiveness a skill? You never complain about yourself, nor do you lack the courage to criticize Li Xunhuan, and you even dare to talk about hatred. Isn't such decisiveness and courage another kind of skill? You have only trapped yourself, Lin Shiyin."
Lin Shiyin's tears stopped falling.
She seemed to have listened, yet she also seemed not to, like a swan with its neck drooping as if about to die, leaving crescent-shaped marks on her palm, with a few streaks of blood seeping through.
Xie Huailing saw all of this without mercy. She glanced at Lin Shiyin and said, "I can give you a push, but you need to think it through. The world is more dangerous than you've ever heard. It's full of scheming and backstabbing. One wrong step and you'll be gone. You'll be used and betrayed. No one will be kind to you for no reason, and no one will genuinely care about you."
Xie Huailing made no attempt to hide his true feelings, frankly stating, "For example, I'm using you."
Lin Shiyin looked up in disbelief, then her eyes widened in a daze. Xie Huailing, still seeing her languid expression, didn't seem to care about the earth-shattering words he had just uttered: "Of course, you can also choose to stay in Li Garden. Argue with Li Xunhuan, wait on, and pray in fear that he will one day suddenly tire of the martial world and return. It's all up to you."
The music had quietly stopped sometime earlier. The musicians had long since left, leaving only an endless, deathly silence in the room. Even the flower seemed to have died amidst the arguing voices.
Lin Shiyin kept her head up like that for an unknown amount of time.
The tear tracks on her face remained, her sorrow churning. Sorrow swirled, sorrow surrounded her, sorrow was always on her brow. She didn't know when she had acquired such a face; the person behind that face had shrunk into a small ball years ago. This face hadn't changed; sometimes it was shocking, sometimes frightening, but it was her face. Perhaps she was being worn down, she was indeed being worn down, worn down by the passing years, by the earlier times, until one day she would lose her beauty.
But she shouldn't let herself be worn down; she suddenly realized this.
She never shed another tear; she had cried all her tears.
“I’m always waiting for him, always waiting for him, every day,” Lin Shiyin said softly. “From spring to winter, from hope to despair, from worry to grief.”
She smiled very gently.
"I won't wait any longer."
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This chapter contains a lot of my personal understanding of Lin Shiyin and Li Xunhuan, as well as some personal settings from a crossover martial arts background. I apologize for that.
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