I knew then that I wasn't good enough for him.
But he didn't intend to give up, which made me very happy.
Later, life got better day by day.
However, I became more and more anxious each day. Because I knew that one day, something bad would happen.
In this world, nothing can be kept secret from others forever.
I can only numb myself with work, but no matter how much I try not to face it, my three children at home are a constant reminder that I am not good enough for him, and that one day I will kill him...
I'm scared, I want to leave him.
I'm terrified. I don't want to leave him. I love him...
But I'm not good enough for him.
Thinking back to that time, I felt like an ant on a hot pan, unable to move forward or backward.
I can only release myself through daily work and nightly madness.
Fortunately, Qin Jingru was there...
Lou Xiao'e once said something to me that I wholeheartedly agree with.
In this family, no matter who got married to Wang Shouren and became the legal wife, the rest of the family would be dissatisfied. Only Qin Jingru was someone no one could say anything about.
I work very hard, and I put in a lot of effort.
He told me that when I have a question, I can look at a book, and maybe the answer I'm looking for is in the book.
So I started reading books, even though I didn't have the means to do so before. But since I started dating him, my circumstances have improved significantly.
This kindness wasn't because he gave me money, but because he taught me how to do things.
This made me feel very accomplished, but at the same time, it made me feel even more inferior.
The family behind me made it impossible for me to have any other thoughts.
I started studying, frantically searching for the answers I wanted in books.
This search lasted for more than a decade...
I haven't found the answer, but doubts keep arising.
How exactly did he come up with those ideas back then?
He was just a teenager himself, so how could he understand so many of the rules of society? That night, he gave me this advice. When I turned forty, I was sweating bullets reading it. I doubt many people, even those in their thirties or forties, would understand the logic behind how society works.
This is not a matter of knowledge.
It's not a problem of experience.
How did he know that?
...
Do you think I care about this issue?
Because within this problem lies another problem.
Back then, when he took me, was it really because he liked me?
If he were still the same person he was before, I think it's possible, because in this courtyard, I was the only one who had a good relationship with him. But when his father passed away, and when he confessed his feelings to me that night, it all seemed strange now.
Until 1979, our affair was exposed—no, to be precise, Lou Xiao'e came back, and our affair was exposed.
These are actually the same thing.
And this strange feeling reached its peak at this point.
He wasn't angry, nor ashamed; in fact, he didn't show the slightest emotional fluctuation. After being exposed, he cheerfully asked me to go with him...
My heart was in complete turmoil at that time.
This chaos wasn't caused by my ex-mother-in-law's nagging, nor by my son's insults.
In fact, I know exactly what they're thinking.
In this courtyard, quite a few families already knew about my relationship with Wang Shouren.
After all, with such frequent interactions over more than a decade, it would be quite impossible not to know.
My mother-in-law turns a blind eye to most things. As long as I'm home and can guarantee her retirement, she won't interfere. But if I leave, she'll make a scene. However, this isn't a huge problem; as long as she's given enough financial security to ensure her retirement, she won't cause trouble.
As for Jia Geng, I know he's never thought highly of me.
Instigated by my former mother-in-law, he felt that everyone in the world owed him something. I tried to talk to him about it a few times and teach him a lesson, but Jia Zhangshi always stopped me. Later, I just gave up. The time he went to the countryside, I didn't give up my job, and he resented me for that. So, this time, he felt that his chance for revenge had come.
But I don't care. What can he do? He can just cause trouble at the steel mill.
I could resign before he makes a scene.
As for Huaihua and Xiaodang, they have become well-behaved and adorable under Wang Shouren's tutelage over the years. They go to school when they should and have their own way of life, so I don't need to worry about them.
What truly unsettled me was Wang Shouren's attitude.
This seems to confirm my guess.
I don't know what to do.
He seems to have been lying all along. He likes me to lie. In reality, he's using me to set up a scheme.
I have no idea.
It's funny to think about it, but I didn't even dare to ask him.
I was scared, really scared, scared of getting a positive answer from him.
What should I do then?
While I was by the lake, I met someone I never expected.
I originally thought that he would come to find me, but I never expected that Lou Xiao'e would appear in front of me first.
Even after all these years, she is still so beautiful.
When she first married into the family, I envied her greatly. As Lou Bancheng's daughter, she had grown up in luxury, wearing clothes that were a dream I could never even imagine. She seemed innocent and kind, but I didn't understand why, why a woman like that would try to steal my man. I resisted her; I didn't like her. But I had to admit it.
She is smarter than me, much smarter than me.
I don't know what I was thinking. That day, I asked him my question.
Do you think that if a person's personality changes drastically, they might become ruthless?
I remember it clearly: she laughed, a really happy laugh, but after a while, the smile faded, and she sighed softly, "He's such a jerk..."
"you……"
"You've fallen in love with him. So you're thinking about him, everything about him, his past, but you can't shake off the inferiority complex stemming from your social status, so you're trying to compensate, trying to find his problems. But his problems are unbelievable to you. You can't believe what you've analyzed. Because you know that if you really use this to fill the gap, then your relationship will be over."
I don't like her, I don't like her at all, I don't like her sharp tongue.
I lowered my head, not daring to look at her.
She sighed: "Originally, that's what I thought too. I fell in love with him and even had a child for him. I thought that if I left, and the day I came back, kicking you all out would be a very simple thing."
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