Chapter 107
[Minor rib fracture, sand-induced hearing loss, hypertonic dehydration...] Prompts and treatment methods flashed before my eyes one after another.
Lin Yi held the swaying body tightly in his arms.
"I lost them..."
Xie Chengnan had lost consciousness, and kept muttering this sentence.
Lin Yi's tears suddenly streamed down her face. "I know, I know, it wasn't your fault... I'm so glad you're back..."
She hadn't yet realized what the deafness caused by the sandstorm meant. She responded to each of Xie Chengnan's murmured words. It wasn't until Gu Shuan arrived with his men and hurriedly settled Xie Chengnan onto the bed that Lin Yi, seeing his pale face, forced herself to understand each of the symptoms.
When Xie Chengnan woke up, Lin Yi was lying on his bedside.
He only moved his fingers slightly, and the man woke up.
She showed no signs of the grogginess one might experience upon waking; even during brief naps with her eyes closed, she remained fully alert.
"You're awake! Would you like some water?"
Xie Chengnan didn't speak, but just looked at her calmly.
It wouldn't be accurate to call it calm; his gaze was blank and unfocused on her face for a long time. Lin Yi wouldn't admit that his eyes were empty, but she felt inexplicably flustered.
She grasped his hand, squeezing it tightly, "Xie Chengnan..."
Then he suddenly stopped, realizing that his hearing wasn't fully recovered, and he couldn't hear anything being said...
Xie Chengnan finally reacted, reaching out to gently stroke her cheek.
Lin Yi felt like crying again, so she tried to look happier and forced a not-so-good smile.
[Your ear will get better soon; the miracle doctor is working hard to heal it. You must believe in her!] Lin Yi wrote in his palm.
Xie Chengnan did not look down, and Lin Yi was unsure whether he could perceive what she wanted to express based solely on touch.
She wrote it again, a little impatiently: "I will definitely cure you, very soon!"
Xie Chengnan finally responded, his voice dry and hoarse. When he spoke, Lin Yi was shocked; his voice was so parched that it sounded like that of a living person…
"I'm alive."
Lin Yi gripped his hand tighter and tighter. "Yes, you're still alive."
"What about them?"
Lin Yi pretended not to know. [Who?]
Xie Chengnan's gaze turned strange. "Jiang Ji...where are they?"
Lin Yi couldn't bear his gaze and lowered her head, but she could still feel Xie Chengnan's stare, making her feel utterly ashamed. Her fingers trembled as she carefully wrote, stroke by stroke: "The people searching for them haven't returned yet. Rest assured and don't worry."
Xie Chengnan had been unconscious for two days; this was the fifth day since the sandstorm began.
Lin Yi knew what it meant to not find anyone for five days, and Xie Chengnan certainly did as well.
Moreover...
"Aya...don't lie to me."
You wouldn't lie.
Lin Yi was shocked; he understood.
"Wherever they are, they're all dead."
The fifth team sent out did not return empty-handed. Following the direction Xie Chengnan had returned from, they searched for more than fifty miles and finally found a warhorse that had been dead for a long time and whose flesh and blood had been removed.
Near the warhorse, they found the body of another An soldier. About a mile and a half away, they found two more An soldiers in the sand. Apart from that, they found nothing else.
[Some people are still missing; they might still be alive.]
When Xie Chengnan first woke up, he searched the sand, but apart from the bearded man and a warhorse, he found nothing else.
He then asked the question he cared about most, and the one Lin Yi least wanted to ask: "Where is Jiang Ji?"
Lin Yi paused for a moment, then said, "We're still looking."
"Yeah……"
After saying this, Xie Chengnan remained silent for a long time before falling asleep again.
Even in dreams, he is restless.
The boy, his face and body covered in yellow sand, would suddenly smile at him, grinning and saying he would protect the general; then suddenly stare wide-eyed, questioning why he hadn't saved him; then suddenly transform into a gust of wind, catching him before the sandstorm hit and pinning him to the ground, refusing to let go no matter how the sandstorm raged, no matter how his mouth and nose were blocked by the yellow sand and he suffocated...
Until the boy and he both lost consciousness, were swept away by the storm, fell down, and were buried in the sand.
Suddenly I woke up—
"woke up?"
This time, the person beside me is Gu Shuan.
Xie Chengnan ignored him.
"She said you should be able to hear a little bit now." Gu Shuan spoke clearly and slowly, his words unsure of the extent of his recovery.
Xie Chengnan remained silent.
"There are some things she's reluctant to tell you. If you want to know something, ask her now."
Xie Chengnan finally reacted, his Adam's apple bobbing as he asked, "Where are they?"
"Of the people who went with you, six have been found, but the rest are still missing. Jiang Ji is not among them."
Gu Shuan paused for a moment, a pause that could easily give people the illusion that there was still hope. But then, he shattered that illusion without hesitation.
“Xie Chengnan, this is the sixth day. Six days in the desert without food or water, and you’ve just experienced a sandstorm. No one knows better than you what this means.”
"I can't let people keep searching like this."
Xie Chengnan opened his mouth, but couldn't utter any words of rebuttal.
He knew it very well.
We understand the possibility of surviving a sandstorm, we understand the limits of the human body's ability to work without sleep, and we understand just how difficult it is to get out of that sandstorm.
They also knew that the Anguo army would not stop advancing just because of the whereabouts of a small squad.
It is precisely because I understand this that I find it cruel. Whether it is myself who abandoned them, or Gu Shu'an who is saying these words now.
It turns out they are the same kind of people.
"We'll have to continue marching in two hours; there's no time to wait for you to fully recover."
Gu Shuan hesitated for a moment, then placed her hand on his shoulder and patted it very lightly.
This is the first time.
His words were gentle: "Everyone wants you to get better soon."
As she walked out of the tent, Gu Shuan and Lin Yi passed each other. When they saw her coming, they paused for a moment, then nodded.
Lin Yi carried a bowl of mushy vegetable soup and walked in nonchalantly.
"Can you hear any sounds now? Are you feeling any better?"
Xie Chengnan's gaze followed her to the side beside him.
"The cactus in the sand doesn't taste very good, but it's still easier to swallow than dry pancakes. Adding salt makes it not too bad."
That bowl of bright green vegetable soup turned out to be cactus.
Would you like something to eat now? Or would you like to rest a bit more?
Xie Chengnan's hearing had only recently recovered, making it difficult for him to hear sounds; he could only try to capture key words.
"Has it not recovered yet?" Lin asked slowly.
Receiving no answer, she lowered her head. "I'm sorry... there's nothing else I can do for you."
"You've done... enough."
Lin Yi suddenly looked up, "I can hear you!" Her smile was finally less forced, but you could still tell she was nervous.
Are you feeling dizzy? Do your ribs still hurt?
Xie Chengnan shook his head and sat up with her help.
"Let's go, aren't we supposed to continue marching?"
Aside from his hoarse voice, Xie Chengnan's tone and expression when he said those words were remarkably similar to countless times before, and the familiar tone made Lin Yi feel dazed.
It seems he really has come back.
Xie Chengnan returned, but he was also the only survivor of that assault team. Lin Yi would sometimes forget this, but he would immediately remember it during the long silences they spent together.
She often regrets that she has forgotten.
Dozens of lives were lost in that storm, including that bright and flamboyant young man who had once protected her for over a hundred miles.
Before leaving, the boy smiled broadly as he said goodbye to her; Lin Yi still remembers those bright, sparkling eyes. Jiang Ji excitedly told her that Gu Shu'an had agreed to her mission, saying that the commander-in-chief wasn't as cold-hearted as she had imagined, and that he would soon be setting off to join the general. He asked Lin Yi if she had any messages for him…
Lin Yi remembered that he was happy for him at the time, not because he could arrive at the Xili camp first, but because he was happy that the young man's wish had come true.
Did he finally get what he wanted?
Lin Yi didn't know if Xie Chengnan had wished for his own survival when the sandstorm hit, but Xie Chengnan was still alive, which must have been part of his wish.
This is also her greatest wish.
She was more worried about Xie Chengnan than those who had passed away. Physical wounds will heal eventually, but what about those in her heart?
The tension of the war left him no time to think about anything else. But Lin Yi had a vague worry: after everything was over, could he still be the carefree Xie Chengnan who spent his days holed up in his mansion listening to music and reading novels, without any seriousness?
Whenever she thinks about this, she hates herself for not being strong enough, for always being able to do so little. This is followed by confusion: to what extent does she need to go to achieve this?
She hadn't read the book carefully and didn't remember that the original text mentioned this storm, so dozens of lives were lost in the desert. Her medical skills were lacking, and Xie Chengnan's injuries hadn't fully healed, yet his weakened body had to endure the arduous journeys with the army. She was small and weak, unable to see a glimmer of hope for the future, and dared not utter a word about her fears.
She should carefully recall the plot, read countless medical books, and confess everything to Xie Chengnan before the dust settles...
But what is there that she can do right now?
"Xie Chengnan, let's talk."
What should we talk about?
Lin Yi pursed her lips. Xie Chengnan was like this again, seemingly welcoming to all, yet so calm that it was impossible for anyone to speak.
“I know what you’re going to say—it’s not my fault, no one can predict what will happen, he wanted to go along himself.”
"..." She did want to persuade Xie Chengnan not to blame himself for those people's deaths.
“Actually, I’ve been back,” Xie Chengnan said. “The sky and the ground were both dark, and you couldn’t see anything.”
"When the sandstorm came, I didn't hear the sound of heavy objects falling to the ground. Do you know what that means?"
"What?" Lin Yi asked, puzzled.
"This means they weren't swept away too far; they were nearby. It was when I woke up that I desperately wanted to survive and get out of there immediately."
"...Later I went back, but I couldn't find them."
"As a general, he failed to detect the disaster early on, did not take any measures to deal with it when it happened, and did not prioritize finding their whereabouts after the incident..."
Lin Yi thought that sudden rainstorms and strong winds, as well as changes in the world, are beyond human control. In a moment of urgency, no one has time to react, and life and death are instincts.
But Xie Chengnan didn't give her a chance to speak. "I know you won't blame me. I know that even if I'm really wrong, you will only forgive me... I know you feel sorry for me."
"But one thing, don't make excuses for me."
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