0049 Dream
Song Ning slept for two days and two nights, waking up in a daze, eating, swallowing medicine, and then falling back into unconsciousness.
When she regained consciousness, it was already late at night, and the lights were still on in Shen Xiaoyue's room outside.
A bout of influenza drained Song Ning of all her strength, as well as her moisture and food.
Song Ning was hungry and thirsty, his face was pale, his lips were dry and dehydrated, and he looked more haggard and tired than ever before.
She took a down jacket, put it on, slipped on a pair of heavy snow boots, and headed towards Shen Xiaoyue's room.
Inside the room, Shen Yuxiu was also there, arguing with Shen Xiaoyue.
Neither of them is someone who gets angry easily, but this time neither of them seems willing to back down.
“If it weren’t for your help, how could that person have found out about Fu Cong so quickly? I told you long ago that she couldn’t handle this, but you wouldn’t listen. Look how miserable she is now.” Shen Xiaoyue’s voice was serious, as if he was holding his breath.
"Given her personality, she'll find out sooner or later. You can't keep it from her forever."
"I didn't intend to hide it forever, but not now." Shen Xiaoyue slammed his hand on the table. "How old is she? Can she accept this? Looking at her like that, don't you feel sorry for her?"
Shen Yuxiu was silent for a while before slowly speaking: "Her birthday is in two days. She will be 20 then. She has the right to make her own decision."
"You! You..." Shen Xiaoyue was so angry he couldn't speak. "If anything happens to her again, I will ask Dr. Chen to come over."
“Dr. Chen is not in the country; she is traveling abroad,” Shen Yuxiu said.
Song Ning stood outside the house and roughly understood what the two meant.
Dr. Chen has been Song Ning's family doctor since childhood. Every time Song Ning's panic disorder recurs, it is Dr. Chen who helps with the treatment.
But this time, she couldn't tell whether it was a dream or reality.
Shen Xiaoyue scoffed, "Are you determined to tell her?"
"yes."
“Then go, she’s in the room. Go and tell her everything. Tell her that her father took the undercover mission voluntarily for your father’s sake, and that her mother was tortured for 13 hours while seriously injured before she died. Go! Do you dare to go? Do you dare to say it?”
As if afraid of disturbing others, Shen Xiaoyue spoke softly, but every word was like the sharpest blade, cutting into Song Ning's heart.
Song Ning bit her lower lip tightly, but still couldn't hold back the sob in her throat.
She turned around in a panic and fled.
Behind her, the wooden door suddenly opened, and Song Ning quickened her pace, but her feet felt like they were entangled in thorns, and every step was painful and bleeding.
He was lifted up by the waist, and Shen Yuxiu scolded angrily, "You're still sick, who told you to get up and run around?"
Song Ning choked up and couldn't speak. Her throat felt like it had been poisoned, and language had become a useless tool. Only the real pain of her palm falling on Shen Yuxiu was real.
She punched and kicked, pounded her chest and bit, and opened her mouth to bite down on Shen Yuxiu's arm, as fierce as a crazed beast, wanting to tear a piece of flesh from him.
She hated that he was holding her, and she hated that it wasn't a dream. Apart from venting her frustrations on him, she had no idea how to deal with all of this.
Shen Yuxiu was wearing a thin undershirt, with a ring of blood seeping through the white fabric. He felt a stinging pain in his arm, but it was nothing compared to the pain in his heart.
He kicked open Song Ning's door, put her back on the bed, rolled up his sleeves, and as if punishing himself, stretched his arm across in front of her: "Continue!"
Song Ning's eyes were blurred with tears, which kept welling up again after being washed away, but she could no longer bring herself to eat.
What's the point of getting angry at him? She's the one who's damned.
Song Ning pushed away Shen Yuxiu's hand, pulled the blanket up, curled up into a ball, gritted her teeth, and forced herself not to cry out.
"Dad, you go out first." Shen Yuxiu said to Shen Xiaoyue, who was standing at the door, seemingly hesitant to speak, his tone almost dismissive.
Shen Xiaoyue knew that Song Ning must have overheard their conversation, and the immense guilt made him instantly collapse.
"Take good care of her."
Shen Xiaoyue gave his instructions and then closed the door.
The only sound in the room was the soft panting from under the covers. Song Ning, like a wounded little animal, licked her wounds alone.
Shen Yuxiu got into bed and hugged Song Ning through the blankets.
Song Ning struggled for a moment, but the struggle gradually stopped after the off-key "Chong'er Fei" started playing behind her.
She burst into tears.
Her mind was left with only a few fragments from those 13 hours, but those few fragments were enough to cause her unbearable pain and make her unable to escape.
It turns out she really had deceived herself. Even though the feelings in the dream were so real, she still preferred to believe that it was just a dream. So, subconsciously, she acquiesced to Dr. Chen's hypnosis and allowed herself to cover up the confused memories again and again.
Shen Yuxiu, I'm finished. I'll be living in hell for the rest of my life.
After a long while, Shen Yuxiu spoke: "Come out."
His tone was consistently gentle, yet it carried an unyielding resolve.
He wouldn't allow her to run away.
But Song Ning refused; she just wanted to stay inside her shell. She didn't know how to face the bloody, cruel truth.
She didn't regret having someone investigate, nor did she regret recalling the cruel truth—it was what she deserved. But whenever she thought about what her mother had gone through during those 13 hours, a strong sense of guilt and remorse completely overwhelmed her.
Why wasn't she the one being tortured?
Why wasn't she the one who died?
Why didn't she die with them?
If only she had died back then.
People kept questioning and arguing in her ear, again and again, and the black waves in front of her seemed about to swallow her up.
The bedding was violently ripped off, and glaring light shone in. Song Ning covered her face with her hands, refusing to come into contact with the outside world.
Shen Yuxiu forcefully separated her hands and pinned them to either side of the pillow, his backlit face shrouded in shadow: "Since you've made your decision, you'd better hold back."
Tears streamed down Song Ning's forehead, her tightly pursed lips trembled uncontrollably, and her body convulsed with suppressed rage.
Shen Yuxiu said in a hoarse voice, "Ningning, don't make me repeat the mistakes of 12 years ago, and don't make me regret my decision."
The two locked eyes, their hearts heavy with pain, and remained silent for a long time.
Even though Song Ning was forced to hold back, the first person to regret it was Shen Yuxiu. His voice weakened: "If you regret it, I can bring Dr. Chen back."
Everything seemed to have returned to that night 12 years ago, only Shen Yuxiu's feelings were more complicated than they were that year. It was no longer just guilt and self-blame, but more heartache and pain.
That night, the cold north wind not only wounded Song Ning, but also Shen Yuxiu.
Without needing to be explicitly stated, Song Ning knew why Dr. Chen had been brought back.
She finally understood why she had to take those medications before, why she had to undergo treatment, and why she had remembered something two years ago but then forgot it all.
They weren't treating her; they were hypnotizing her, misleading her. Even her mother exploited her trust to hypnotize her.
Song Ning's fingers curled up, her fingertips touching Shen Yuxiu's trembling hand. Her voice was hoarse, and her heavy sobs were suppressed yet cruel: "I want Fu Cong dead."
When she was seven, Fu Cong wanted her to become a beast who killed his parents. That year, she willingly became a beast. As long as Fu Cong died, she didn't care whether she was human or beast.
"I want him to die by my hand."
The next sentence was almost silent, but Shen Yuxiu heard it clearly.
He released Song Ning's hands, went behind her, pressed his head against her cheek, and hugged her tightly.
This is the only thing he can't agree to.
Several years ago, when Shen Yuxiu first learned about this, he also had this thought, but later he gave up on it. If Fu Cong hadn't died at the hands of justice, then the police uniform her father had risked his life to protect would have been meaningless.
Shen Yuxiu could not allow her father's insistence to become a joke, much less allow her to get her hands dirty with human lives.
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