Tired, I rest on the swing set, in the shade of the umbrella, looking at my pale fingertips. More than once, I've fantasized, I've dreamt, if I didn't have this skin, this deathly pale hair, these eerie eyes, would I be able to live the life of others? Would I not want to run away time and time again? But it's just a dream. No matter how many times I think about it, when I wake up, I'm still me, everything is still the same deathly pale me.
Without news of him, there is nothing. Even if something does come, it's too far away to know anything about him. I shouldn't worry, but it's a battlefield after all, where too many lives, the lives of ordinary people, are at stake. I know that with his abilities, Fuqi would be no match for him, but something still weighs on my heart, something I dare not let go of.
He was gone for more than half a year, and Fuqi fought a very difficult battle, as did he. One day, in a dream, he suddenly sat up in fright, not knowing what he was afraid of or what he was dreaming about. The maidservant guarding the door stumbled in, her face beaming with joy, her words stammering, "Master, Master, you're back! The Emperor..."
He clearly wanted to get down, but tripped and fell down again.
She rushed to help me up, but I gently pushed her hand away. For some reason, I didn't want anyone to touch me anymore. It was something I'd been thinking about day and night, something I'd been constantly on my mind, yet now, I suddenly felt afraid. Afraid of what? I didn't know. Just terrified, so afraid I dared not move an inch, as if even taking half a step would cause pain.
"Isn't Your Majesty going to take a look? The imperial edict was issued half a month ago. Judging by the travel time, the Emperor should be arriving soon."
An imperial edict? I tilted my head.
"Master?" The girl shook my arm, but I gently pushed her away.
The imperial edict, issued half a month ago, has only arrived now. Why didn't he inform us in advance that he was coming back? At the very least, he should have issued an urgent edict so that people in the capital and the imperial city could prepare.
For some reason, four words suddenly lingered in my mind: "Keep the death a secret."
These four words are too heavy, so heavy that I can't breathe.
If that's the case, there should be a secret edict, and I wouldn't know about it, right? But the unease in my heart is so deep-seated.
"Master?" she called me again. I snapped out of my daze, propped myself up on the edge of the bed, slipped on my shoes, and hurriedly went out.
"Master." The maid followed me and draped a coat over my shoulders. "It's cold."
I didn't stop walking; the thin outer garment slipped off my shoulder without me noticing.
"master!"
I ran very fast, all my hesitation and indecision vanished, as if I would lose something if I didn't.
Step by step, I ran like that. There was a light drizzle in the sky, but I forgot to use an umbrella and forgot that there were carriages in the mansion that could run faster than my legs.
His undergarment was soaked and clung to his body, causing him to stop in his tracks and fall heavily onto the rain-soaked ground.
"Liao Yan?" A familiar voice came from above, accompanied by the soft sound of horses' hooves.
I suddenly looked up, and everything was blurry – the dim light, the raindrops falling into my eyes, everything was indistinct.
"What's wrong? Get up."
A shadow fell upon us.
I hurriedly reached out, as if I would never be able to hold onto him again if I didn't.
“Dong Li…” I never imagined that my voice could choke up like this.
"Don't cry." He pulled me into his arms, his voice as gentle as his movements. "Did you miss me?"
His words were always so flippant. But at that moment, they made me feel at ease.
It's not that we're keeping his death a secret; it's not that we're keeping his death a secret. He's still alive, that's good.
"Your Majesty..." Someone said something, but he didn't hear it; he just held my arm even tighter.
"Shall we go back?"
I nodded.
Go back, back to the palace. Why, after all this twists and turns, is it still the same ending? I fled desperately, disregarding the consequences. Now, I throw myself at him again, disregarding the consequences. I can't understand myself, just as I can't understand his thoughts.
We walked in silence. He stood tall and straight, and I leaned against his chest. The intense heat made me realize how cold I was.
Why do I miss you so much? I don't know. I clearly remember my icy indifference and my aloof retreat. I thought that withdrawal was the best course of action, but now, it is I who have rushed in without explanation or thought.
Soon, he helped me down from my horse. The tall palace gates, shrouded in the deep night, exuded an inexplicable oppression. He raised his left hand and gently stroked my cheek: "I'm back now, why are you crying? You weren't worried about me back then. Is it really true that absence makes the heart grow fonder, and you can't bear to part with me?"
I didn't answer, nor did I dodge the question; I didn't know what to say. I couldn't deny that I was reluctant to part with him, but I also didn't want to admit it.
He took my hand, slowed his pace, and waited for me to walk into the palace gate with him.
The lights in Chongyuan Hall were not yet lit; everything was as quiet as if asleep. I looked at him, and he smiled, a slight twitch at the corner of his lips. "I simply sent someone to deliver a message to the Liao residence."
What does this mean? There's no news of him even in the palace. Doesn't anyone know he's coming back?
"The army is still in the south. I can't very well announce to the world that I'm leaving them at the front and running back myself, can I?"
The main army is still in the south? I don't understand. He's never been the kind of general who would abandon his men.
He smiled slightly, as always, but I felt that something was hidden in that smile.
"It's getting late. Are you going back to the Liao residence or to the side hall over there?"
His words were clearly a cover-up; he wanted me to leave. He was hiding something; I couldn't sense anything else from him.
I don't want to leave. I don't want to leave after having such a terrifying dream, as if this departure means I'll never come back or see them again.
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