angry
It's understandable that Xu Ruoyan was looking for someone, but what's with secretly sneaking into the palace?
She looked at Pei Jue with a questioning gaze. Pei Jue smiled slightly, raised his teacup, and took a sip.
"Do you remember Mr. Li Siming, whom we went to see a few days ago?"
Of course she remembers it; it just happened not long ago.
Xu Ruoyan rolled her eyes.
“If we want to help him, we can’t just rely on financial aid. His problems can’t be solved simply with money. To ensure that Qi Feng doesn’t tamper with his grades this year, someone needs to keep a close eye on him from head to toe.”
Xu Ruoyan stroked the porcelain cup and slowly said, "In other words, you want to place one of our people in this year's imperial examination and have him take a good look at Song Siming's paper."
Pei Jue nodded: "Actually, it's not just Song Siming. We need to make sure that all the papers and scores are correct. The more students we find who have passed the imperial examination, the better, especially those who can achieve high rankings."
"Then who did you look for? Do you still have people in the palace?"
Pei Jue sighed and said, "Before Qi Feng and his men rebelled, they had already reshuffled the power structure in the court. There weren't many of us left to begin with. Now that my brother Pei Huai has ascended the throne, he has eliminated all the dissidents with Qi Feng's help. So naturally, there are no of our people left in the palace now."
"and you……"
"Madam, please don't worry. We may not have our own people, but we can develop our own." Pei Jue lightly touched the tea with his jade-like fingers and wrote a large "Peace" character on the wooden table.
"An... Pei An?"
Xu Ruoyan glanced at him uncertainly.
Pei Jue wiped away the words on the table and picked up a handkerchief to wash his hands.
“That’s right, it is Pei An, the sixth prince of the previous dynasty, and also my younger brother,” Pei Jue said. “His experience is similar to mine. We both lost our mothers at a young age, so we often played together when we were young and have a very deep bond. Now in this palace, he is the only person I can trust. I had Zhu Ying secretly leave him a letter, inviting him to meet at your pharmacy in three days from now at noon.”
Xu Ruoyan glanced at him suspiciously: "Can he be reliable? You haven't seen each other for a year, what if he's changed?"
Pei Jue shook his head: "I don't think he will. We've been together for ten years, and I know his character best. He's upright and kind, completely different from my brother. I think we can give it a try."
Hearing Pei Jue's confident statement about Pei An, Xu Ruoyan, a pessimist, couldn't help but imagine the worst-case scenario, even though she trusted Pei Jue's judgment.
After hesitating for a long time, she finally couldn't help but ask, "What if, I mean, what if, he joins your brother's group? What will you do then? After all, if he finds out that you're not dead, it means that more people will find out about this."
Pei Jue paused for a moment, then calmly said, "Then kill them. After all, only the dead can truly keep secrets."
With a clatter, the teacup in Xu Ruoyan's hand fell onto the table. It rolled a few times on the smooth surface before crashing to the ground and shattering into pieces.
"This isn't right, is it?" she asked, somewhat incredulously. "You have such a deep relationship with him, can you really bring yourself to do this?"
Pei Jue's expression remained unchanged, still cold and unperturbed.
"Within these palace walls, compassion is the most deadly. Those who dare not lay a hand on the enemy will be the first to be killed."
Xu Ruoyan still couldn't accept this explanation: "But how is this any different from your elder brother? Your elder brother killed your father and mother, and you felt that his crime was heinous and that he should pay with his life. If you killed your younger brother, wouldn't that be a sin as well?"
Pei Jue unconsciously tightened his grip on the teacup, his thumb gently tracing the rim to wipe away a drop of water.
“I am different from him. Under your assumption, Pei An deliberately leaked the news that I was still alive to Pei Huai, which posed a great threat to me and he deserved to die. But Pei Huai killed my parents when they had done nothing wrong, so he also deserved to die.”
"You're just being unreasonable!" Xu Ruoyan was furious, her fingertips trembling at her sides. "From your perspective, they're all wrong. But what if your brother was forced to join Pei Huai's camp to protect himself? What if Pei Huai felt that your father insisted on passing the throne to you, which rightfully belonged to him, and that you stole it from him? Would they be wrong then? Would you be blameless?"
Pei Jue lowered his head and remained silent.
Xu Ruoyan stepped in front of him, forcing herself to calm down.
“Look up at me, I know you can see me now.” She clenched her fists tightly, trying her best to keep her voice steady.
"What if it were me? If I leaked your plan, would you also send someone to kill me without asking any questions, without even giving me a chance to explain?"
Pei Jue did not look up, but slowly turned his head to one side.
"Um."
He felt his chest vibrating violently, but it didn't seem to be from speaking.
Xu Ruoyan suddenly laughed.
“Pei Jue, I know you finally crawled out of that cannibalistic place, and I know you’re a bit cold-blooded. That’s definitely a result of your past, and it can’t be changed,” Xu Ruoyan said, her voice choked with emotion. “But I didn’t know you would be like this.”
“I thought you would value the relationship between you and your brother, and between you and me. I didn’t know you were this kind of person.”
"I thought you were different from them."
Xu Ruoyan's offhand remark stunned both of them.
Pei Jue's breathing trembled. His fingers gripped the edge of the table tightly as he took a deep breath and tried to straighten his back.
Xu Ruoyan took in his trembling body, reddened fingertips, and dim eyes.
After a long while, Xu Ruoyan gave a self-deprecating laugh, turned around and left.
Only after sensing that Xu Ruoyan had left did Pei Jue dare to raise his head. His hand slowly loosened, and drops of bright red blood fell onto the floor, striking his heart heavily as well.
“No,” he murmured.
You are different from me, but why do I still think this way? Am I really so cold-blooded? Am I really unworthy of your love?
...
In the palace, at Jingren Hall.
"Zizhi, who do you think left this letter?"
Zhang Zizhi took the neatly folded piece of paper, carefully examined the handwriting, and then respectfully bowed his head to the person in front of him: "Zizhi doesn't know either. But I see that the handwriting on this paper is square and neat, as if it were written by a scholar."
Pei An took the paper back and threw it into the brazier that was burning brightly nearby.
"Neat handwriting does not necessarily mean someone is a scholar; one should not make such a judgment casually."
Zhang Zizhi said, "I've remembered it."
Zhang Zizhi is Pei An's cousin. He came to the palace to seek refuge with Pei An a few years ago, and Pei An kept him by his side, making him a trusted confidant.
Pei An sighed deeply and looked up at the blooming red plum blossoms outside the window.
"You don't know, but I can roughly guess."
Zhang Zizhi kept his head bowed respectfully, not daring to overstep his bounds.
Pei An stood up, walked to the window, and leaned over to touch the red plum blossom that stretched over the window frame. It was an extremely beautiful sight, but there was a deep sorrow in his eyes, as if he could never escape the ice and snow of winter.
"Tell me, just how strong is a person's vitality?"
Zhang Zizhi tried to think about it, but ultimately couldn't understand what Pei An meant by these seemingly random words.
Pei An gently stroked a plum blossom on a branch, as if he were stroking a child's head, just like his older brother had done to him when he was young.
"Even delicate flowers can bloom in the coldest of times, so how can a living, breathing person easily succumb to fate?"
He sighed, lowered his hand, and turned to Zhang Zizhi, saying, "Make arrangements for me to go to Huichuntang in two days."
...
After returning to her room, Xu Ruoyan sat alone on the bed, sulking.
Was this going a bit too far? She asked herself.
She could understand why Pei Jue thought that way; after all, his own life was indeed the most important thing. He had grown up in the treacherous environment of the palace, surrounded by emperors and concubines, and without such ruthlessness in self-preservation, he would never have survived to this day.
But she couldn't accept Pei Jue's resolute answer, as if he were an emotionless robot, forever following the most correct program, unchanging regardless of emotional fluctuations. Didn't all the hardships they'd shared warrant a moment's hesitation from him?
Sometimes, understanding is one thing, but acceptance is another. She could understand because she had empathy, but she couldn't convince herself to accept it because she had her own heart. Just as forgiveness doesn't mean the hurt disappears, and existence doesn't necessarily mean it's right.
The more she thought about it, the more agitated she became. She simply covered herself with the blanket, cutting herself off from all contact with the outside world, and decided to sleep it off first.
No sooner had she closed her eyes than the door creaked open.
She angrily yanked the blanket off, and was immediately shivered by the cold wind that rushed in.
Then the door was slammed shut.
Xu Ruoyan looked up, and Pei Jue came into her line of sight.
"I'm here to apologize to you."
He pursed his lips, not daring to look into Xu Ruoyan's eyes.
Xu Ruoyan could tell that she was nervous.
She sighed and reached out to pull Pei Jue over: "Sit down and let's talk."
Beneath the warm palm lay an icy chill. Xu Ruoyan frowned: "How long have you been standing outside the door?"
Pei Jue kept his mouth tightly shut and didn't make a sound.
Xu Ruoyan slapped him on the back: "Do you even know your own limitations? With your pathetic body, you dare to stand in the wind wearing so little?! Do you really think you're some kind of melancholic god?!"
Pei Jue looked up at her with a pitiful expression, then quickly lowered his head again.
Xu Ruoyan suppressed her strong urge to slap him again, grabbed his arm and pulled hard, then used her other hand to pull the blanket over him: "Come up here yourself. If you catch a cold, you'll have to bear it yourself. I won't give you a single bowl of medicine."
Pei Jue's eyes, hidden in the shadows, flickered, and he obediently sat down next to Xu Ruoyan and covered himself with the blanket.
Xu Ruoyan crossed her arms and leaned against the window, staring straight ahead and ignoring him.
Pei Jue then quietly scooted closer to Xu Ruoyan.
"Madam, it was my fault just now. I didn't know how to speak and made you angry."
Xu Ruoyan ignored him as if she couldn't hear him.
Pei Jue continued, "Actually, that's not what I meant. In my heart, my wife is more important than anything else, more important than myself. I won't say that again."
Are you kidding me?!
Xu Ruoyan suddenly turned her head and glared at him fiercely: "Pei Jue, I at least treat you as a friend and colleague, what do you take me for? Your knife?"
“No,” Pei Jue immediately shook his head, “You are my wife.”
Xu Ruoyan: "..."
Can you please get out of here right now if you're obsessed with romance?
She rolled her eyes at Pei Jue, turned to face the wall, and said, "I'm exhausted after a long day, I'm going to sleep!"
Pei Jue quickly blew out the lamp, carefully pushed the blanket towards Xu Ruoyan, and then covered himself with the remaining corner of the blanket.
If being scolded could earn him the opportunity to sleep with his wife, he would be quite willing.
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