Chapter 42 "Well, actually, I think I have one..."
For a long time, Nan Zhiyi actually lacked imagination when it came to "first love".
While his peers enthusiastically discussed their ideal type and the opposite sex, he mostly remained detached, occasionally offering a couple of unsociable responses like "I don't know" or "I don't know."
The clearest point in time when he realized he had fallen for someone was a winter afternoon, but looking further back, it probably dates back to the first time he wrote the name "You Xin" in his diary.
It wasn't until then that he understood that it wasn't about "not knowing" or "not understanding," but rather that when such a person actually appeared in his life, everything had a standard answer.
-
"I've discovered that you're actually a rather unassuming person."
Someone was talking to Nan Zhiyi. He then came to his senses and realized that the teacher had already filled most of the blackboard with writing, while the test paper in front of him was still blank.
Turning his head, he saw his deskmate looking at him thoughtfully: "You see, although you have many friends, a lively personality, and love to laugh, I just feel... you're a very ordinary person?"
Nan Zhiyi grabbed the pen that was about to roll off the edge of the table: "Why?"
"Hmm, it's probably because... you seem to be especially kind and gentle to everyone, but I can't quite put my finger on what's so special about it?" After thinking for a while, her deskmate finally concluded, "It seems like you don't have anyone you particularly like. Everyone is pretty much the same to you, there's not much difference between them."
Nan Zhiyi was stunned for a moment by what she said: "What kind of person 'especially liked'?"
"Oh dear." His deskmate looked at him like he was an idiot. "Let me give you an example. For instance, you know I like Boss Yang, right?"
"It's like... this person is different from everyone else to you? You feel happy when you think of him, you look forward to meeting him, you get nervous when he encounters bad things, and in general, his every move causes a lot of emotional fluctuations?"
After listening, Nan Zhiyi thought quietly for a while.
"So actually, I think there's someone I really like."
Finally, he said.
-
After school, Nan Zhiyi saw You Xin, who wasn't wearing his school uniform, at the school gate.
The other person stood with their arms crossed, leaning against a lush holly tree, holding a phone but not playing with it. Their gaze was fixed on a spot at their feet, motionless, like an overly handsome sculpture.
Nan Zhiyi paused. But then he quickly walked up and waved in front of the other person's eyes: "Hi!"
You Xin looked up.
"I just finished class. How long have you been waiting?" Nan Zhiyi asked with a smile.
The sculpture came to life and spoke: "Not long ago."
Aren't you cold?
"It's not cold."
"Okay. I feel like you're wearing a little too little." Nan Zhiyi reached out and pinched the hem of his black hoodie; it was so thin.
Just as I was about to pull my hand back, something cold brushed against my face.
He was startled, looked up, and met the other person's downcast gaze.
"Your face is so red." You Xin also withdrew her fingertips that had just touched his cheek. "I thought you had a fever."
"What? Is that true...?"
Nan Zhiyi suddenly felt a surge of tension for no apparent reason, so much so that he became speechless.
"I... I might be a little too hot. The classroom is super hot, like a volcano, hahaha..." He felt like he was talking nonsense, so he simply turned around, left You Xin behind, and walked towards the school gate. "Hurry up! It'll be dark by the time we get home."
As she spoke, she tugged at her scarf, futilely trying to shield her burning ears.
You Xin caught up with him at the intersection and gave him a chocolate that looked like a seashell, saying it was a gift he bought for him during their Christmas trip. While waiting at the red light, he told Nan Zhiyi a joke his teacher had told in class that day, which made Nan Zhiyi laugh out loud.
The two arrived at Nan Zhiyi's building a little after six o'clock.
"Your house is too big, it'll be so cold for you all alone in the winter." Nan Zhiyi used this reason to convince him to come over to her house to play games on the weekend. His mother gave him a pair of game controllers for his birthday this year, but he's only played them once so far.
However, when they got downstairs, they found that the lights in their home were on.
“It’s probably my mom who’s here,” Nan Zhiyi said.
However, after the two went upstairs and Nan Zhiyi entered the password and opened the door, she was instantly stunned by the scene inside—
Four boys were sitting haphazardly on his sofa, a pile of snacks was on the table, and several bottles of soda were standing next to them.
Leading the group was his good friend Yang Wei. Seeing him arrive, he jumped up from the sofa: "Support!"
Nan Zhiyi was stunned: "What are you doing here?"
"Didn't we agree to walk together after class? You ran off faster than a dog the moment get out of class ended!" Yang Wei said. "And when we got there, you weren't even home! We were left waiting downstairs!"
“We ran into the aunt downstairs, and when she heard we were looking for you, she let us up,” his other friend Zhou Xiangwen added. “She had just left a little while ago.”
"Oh my god!" Nan Zhiyi exclaimed, both amused and exasperated. "Didn't we agree to go together tomorrow?!"
Yang Wei froze: "Huh?"
"I remember it was today."
"I remember it was today too."
"Let me check... Holy crap! It really is tomorrow? The 6th!"
"Damn it, which idiot started saying today! They can't even remember the date correctly!"
Several boys were laughing and joking around the house, pushing and shoving each other. Nan Zhiyi said helplessly, "Actually, I don't have anything planned for today. I just made plans with Xiaoyou. Why don't we play together?"
Yang Wei is the type who gets more excited the more people there are: "Great, I brought my cards. Hey, who did you invite?" He glanced curiously towards the door, his eyes immediately lighting up.
"Oh, that handsome high school freshman?"
Nan Zhiyi smiled too. He had actually been wanting to introduce You Xin to his other friends so they could all hang out together. He always did this when he made a new friend. Besides, from what he observed, You Xin didn't seem to have many friends. Perhaps he was just too introverted.
Then he turned around and saw You Xin's eyes, who was still standing outside the door.
Nan Zhiyi was taken aback.
He didn't know how to describe the expression on You Xin's face at that moment.
The other person wasn't looking at him, but at his friends who were playing around behind him.
You Xin's expression was full of hostility.
He looked at Yang Wei as if he were looking at an animal that had intruded into the territory of its kind, an intruder in their lives.
As Nan Zhiyi turned around, You Xin quickly averted his gaze. His expression suddenly returned to calm, almost indifferent.
"It's okay, you guys have fun," he said. "I'm leaving now."
He turned and left.
Nan Zhiyi finally caught up with You Xin downstairs. He was panting heavily as he ran: "Wait for me... why are you walking so fast!"
So You Xin stopped in his tracks.
Nan Zhiyi took a breath, touched her belly, and walked up to him.
"Were you... unhappy just now?" he asked.
You Xin pursed her lips: "No."
"Uncle Wang just sent me a message saying my dad wants me to go home now." He waved his phone.
Nan Zhiyi: "Oh...I see."
He sounded slightly disappointed: "Alright then, we'll have to reschedule for another time. Or should I see you out?"
"No need. I've already hailed a taxi," You Xin said.
Out of the corner of her eye, Nan Zhiyi saw a black sedan parked at the entrance of the residential area.
That car came really fast.
Two hours later, Nan Zhiyi sat on the sofa, absentmindedly played a card, and then realized that she had fed the next player the card she was about to play.
"I won!" Yang Wei jumped up, baring his teeth and shouting, "Who's the dealer? Nan Zhiyi, isn't she? Step forward!"
Four hands reached out eagerly, and Nan Zhiyi had four more sticky notes stuck to her head, making her look like a colorful mop stuck upside down in the sofa.
"I was daydreaming!" he slammed his hand on the sofa in annoyance, just as his phone vibrated in his pocket.
Nan Zhiyi moved the precious sticky note on his eyelid to a different spot. He took out his phone and looked at it.
[You Xin: I don't think I'm feeling well.]
Nan Zhiyi's heart tightened.
He put down his cards, ignoring Yang Wei's shouts of "Losers shuffle! No cheating!", and stood up abruptly from the sofa.
[Xiaoyi: What's wrong?]
[You Xin: Stomach ache. A little.]
[Xiaoyi: Haven't eaten yet?]
[You Xin: I had a fight with my dad.]
A little while later.
[You Xin: Can you come keep me company?]
Nan Zhiyi quickly stuffed his phone into his bag. He waved to the four people behind him, "Um, I have something to do, I'll go out for a bit, you guys keep playing—remember to lock the door when you leave!"
The last note faded as the front door slammed shut, leaving the four boys in the living room staring at each other in bewilderment.
After a long silence, Yang Wei opened his mouth and blurted out, "Don't you guys think... he's been acting a bit strange lately?"
-
January 29, 2020
I've fallen for someone. He's my good friend.
I don't know what to do.
I told my mom about it, but I omitted his gender. My mom joked that my puberty came a little too late, but she suggested that I should focus on my studies for now.
My mom asked me why I liked that person, and I said I didn't know. To be honest, I really don't know.
well……
In the following text, I will refer to him as 氵 (crossed out) y (crossed out) [red heart] (crossed out) [blue heart].
February 14, 2020
Valentine's Day! [Blue Heart] gave me a huge box of chocolates because I said I love sweets. He has such a good memory.
Yang Wei and my deskmate are dating. Last week during evening self-study, he insisted on taking a walk with her on the playground, and the head teacher caught them. He told me that his family was pressuring him to break up with her, but he wanted to pursue freedom and love and refused to comply.
Although I laughed at him at the time, looking back now, I think I might not have had his courage.
April 3, 2020
Last week we went to the observatory to look at the stars. There were so many stars, and they were so beautiful. I said the surface of the moon looked like Yang Wei's face, which I actually found quite funny, but he seemed inexplicably unhappy. I really can't figure out what he's thinking.
I don't even know what I'm thinking.
I don't think I'll tell him what I really think.
My feelings for him are just a one-sided thought in my mind, and whether I realize it or not won't change our relationship. Our relationship hasn't changed at all; being friends is fine too.
Actually, I'm happy just being able to spend time together every day.
...
After writing the last stroke, Nan Zhiyi closed the diary, locked it, and carefully tucked it into the deepest part of the drawer. Immediately afterward, she felt a heavy pat on her shoulder.
"Xiao Yi!"
He was startled, and then two heads popped up on his left and right sides.
Yang Wei and Zhou Xiangwen each held down one of his shoulders.
Nan Zhiyi touched her chest with lingering fear: "What are you guys doing?"
"We want to talk to you. Let's go."
The three arrived at a secret base—the back of a large flower bed on campus.
"What's going on with you guys? Why are you being so secretive?" Nan Zhiyi asked, looking at her two friends who had gathered around her.
Yang Wei crossed his arms and looked at him seriously: "We all agree that you should stay away from your, uh, kid."
“That handsome young man from the international department,” Zhou Xiangwen added.
Nan Zhiyi looked at them, puzzled.
"Don't you think he's a bit strange? Of course, maybe you're just too oblivious," Yang Wei said seriously. "Ever since you met him, you seem to spend less and less time with us. And every time we're together, if he happens to be there, he acts really strange. It's like... like he's trying to steal you away from us."
Zhou Xiangwen also analyzed it to him in a well-organized manner: "Moreover, I feel that he really dislikes us. To be honest, he doesn't have a single friend besides you, which in itself speaks volumes."
Yang Wei: "So, we secretly investigated his family background."
“His family has indeed treated him a bit…” Nan Zhiyi argued weakly.
“You know his famous older brother, right? That handsome male celebrity.” Yang Wei said, taking out his phone. He even showed Nan Zhiyi a picture of You Qing. “Do you know why his brother has always been so hostile towards him? I found out from a friend of mine at No. 2 Middle School—hey, they don’t even have the same mother.”
Nan Zhiyi: "I know this."
"Do you know they're all gone?" Yang Wei said. "Their mother."
"……Know."
"Don't you think it's terrifying?" Zhou Xiangwen made a throat-slitting gesture, speaking with great seriousness, "Family feuds, you know. Don't you think that kids from these kinds of families, well, they all have a bit of... this?" He pointed subtly to his head.
Nan Zhiyi was both amused and exasperated: "You've been reading too many novels. His mother passed away from illness, and that was many years ago."
“Don’t take this lightly, Nan Zhiyi. We’re serious.” Yang Wei sighed, his expression more serious than ever before. “We all know how good you are to your friends; your brothers have seen it all. But Xiaoyi, he really doesn’t consider you a friend. That’s not how friends should be. Shouldn’t friends want the best for each other? Who among us would restrict your friendships? Who would want to sever all your close relationships and isolate you from all your family and friends?”
Nan Zhiyi remained silent for a short while.
"You're overthinking it. Do you think I should stop being friends with someone just because of their family situation?" he said softly after a long pause.
"...Okay, then. If you think it's okay." In the end, Yang Wei gave in, "Hey, if anything comes up, you have to tell your brother, don't keep it to yourself."
Zhou Xiangwen gave a fist bump: "I'll always be your strong support, understand?"
Nan Zhiyi smiled and patted the two of them on the shoulder: "I know."
On one hand, I thought to myself, if only I could actually tell those secrets from those diaries.
-
However, those unspoken thoughts did not, as Nan Zhiyi had imagined, remain buried in his heart forever, or even follow him into his grave after death.
Everything came to an end in the summer of 2020.
That year, Nan Zhiyi ushered in a major turning point in his life—the college entrance examination, and successfully shed the identity of a "high school student". On June 8th, the school held a grand banquet and even brought in a motivational speaker from somewhere, who talked until everyone present was in tears late at night.
Nan Zhiyi's mother had to go on a very urgent business trip and was unable to pack his belongings at school. However, the next day, You Xin appeared out of nowhere and offered to help him move his things from school to his home.
It took the two of them a lot of effort to carry the entire box of heavy items home. When they got home, Nan Zhiyi discovered that most of it was items that could be thrown away.
“Unless I have to repeat a year next year,” he concluded.
You Xin frowned slightly as she looked at him: "...Can't you just hope for something better for yourself?"
Nan Zhiyi laughed.
He packed some unused books into a bag, went downstairs, and piled them outside the garbage station. Every day, an old man who collected recyclables would pass by, and he wanted to leave the books for him.
Everything was finally over! Nan Zhiyi was in a good mood as she carried the empty bag upstairs, entered the password, and pushed open the door.
Then I saw You Xin standing in the living room, holding a familiar, open notebook in her hands.
The empty bag in Nan Zhiyi's hand fell to the ground.
His diary.
Hearing the door open, You Xin looked up from her diary.
"Xiao Yi?" Seeing him standing motionless at the door, You Xin called out.
Nan Zhiyi's lips trembled: "You..."
You Xin's gaze followed him, then fell back onto the diary in her hand.
“Sorry. It fell out of the pile of books, and I was just too curious... so I opened it and took a look.” He said softly, his eyes downcast, “because I found that the password was my birthday.”
Silence. Collapse. Spacetime seemed to solidify, and an invisible weight sank downwards.
He couldn't breathe.
"Is there anything... you want to say to me?"
-----------------------
Author's Note: Xiao You did something bad; please don't follow his example.
————
I suddenly remembered a joke I saw a long time ago, though I can't quite remember the details, but the gist was...
Top: I'm terrible. Nobody likes me.
Subject: How could that be? You're a very good person!
Top: So, can you like me?
Friend of the victim: He's been good enough to you, can you please not hurt him?
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