Chapter 16: Have you ever thought about studying abroad?
As the plane landed, Zheng Yi checked his phone. It was three in the afternoon. He sent a message to Jiang Haoxiang: "I'm here."
There was no reply, which was normal, as she should be in class at this time.
He sent another message to Ms. Xiang Li: "I've landed. Going to get my luggage now."
Ms. Xiang Li replied quickly, "Got it. I'm in a meeting and can't leave. You can take a taxi home. Mom will cover the fare. I'll have a welcome dinner for you tonight! What would you like to eat?"
Zheng Yi bared his teeth at the phone screen.
Okay.
He, Zheng Yi, an 18-year-old adult male, has lived alone in a foreign country and dealt with separations and deaths. Could it be that he can't handle returning home from the airport by himself?
After picking up his luggage, he looked at his phone again while waiting in line for a taxi. Jiang Hao seemed to have not replied to his message yet, so he put the phone back in his pocket.
He sulked, fuming at Jiang's seemingly unkindness, yet simultaneously tried to convince himself that adults needed to be independent. His emotions were so volatile that he felt a little carsick.
The driver was an enthusiastic middle-aged man and I chatted with him all the way.
"Where are you coming from, young man?"
"Spain."
"Studying abroad? That's impressive. Are you back from vacation?"
"Um."
"Are your family members coming to pick you up?"
"I'll go back by myself." What kind of question is that? Zheng Yi wanted to roll his eyes. Why would he take a taxi when his family is here to pick him up? Are he short of money?
The driver glanced at him in the rearview mirror. “So independent? I wish my son were half as worry-free as you. He even needs us to drive him to college.”
Zheng Yi curled his lips and didn't respond.
He looked out the window. The city had changed a lot, yet it seemed like nothing had changed.
It was almost five o'clock when he got home. He stood at the door with his suitcase, fished out the key from under the carpet and opened the door.
"I'm back."
The room was quiet, and of course no one answered him.
Zheng Yi could only reach out and scratch Jiujiu's chin: "I'll let you get fat. You're the only one idle at home, right? The two of them are busier than the other."
Jiujiu nudged his hand with her head.
He dragged his luggage into his room, which was immaculately tidy, his four-piece suitcase fresh. He sat on the bed for a moment, then suddenly felt a pang of discomfort. This wasn't how he'd imagined his return. At least, it wasn't supposed to be, dragging his luggage back to an empty house, all alone.
His phone vibrated, and he quickly took it out. It was Jiang Haoxiang: "I just got out of class! Are you home yet?"
Jiang Hao wanted to stop calling him "Brother Zheng Yi." He typed a few words and deleted them, finally replying with just one: "Yeah."
The person on the other end was typing for a long time when a message came in: "Tell Auntie you didn't ask her to pick up the phone?"
When did he say that I can't answer it...
"She said she couldn't leave," he replied.
"Then I'll go home straight after school?"
"Whatever you want."
After sending this message, he threw his phone onto the bed and fell down with it. The ceiling was still the same ceiling, the walls were still the same walls, the room was still the same room, and he was still the same him.
"I'm eighteen now, an adult," Zheng Yi told himself. "What's the big deal?" He tossed and turned in bed, finally sitting up suddenly.
Let’s go pick up Jiang Haoxiang from school!
Once this thought came out, I could no longer suppress it.
If she doesn't come to pick me up, it's okay for me to pick her up, right?
Zheng Yi glanced at the time. It was 5:20. Jiang Haoxiang probably only had one class left before school was over. Imagine the surprise on Jiang Haoxiang's face when he suddenly appeared at the school gate! He immediately got to work! He cleaned himself up a bit, changed into clean clothes, and headed out the door in high spirits.
Jiang Haoxiang's school wasn't far from his home, just a few bus stops away. Zheng Yi found the gate by memory, but the guard had been replaced and wasn't as approachable as before. He struggled a bit, claiming to be a former senior who had graduated and was back to visit a teacher. He also mentioned a teacher's name to get in, and was finally let in.
He still remembers the location of the teaching building.
Familiar teaching building, familiar playground, unfamiliar students.
When he walked downstairs, it was just time for school to be over. He saw a tall and thin boy with a familiar back.
"An Fengyang?" he called out tentatively.
The boy turned around and it was indeed that familiar face.
"Zheng Yi? You're back? Why haven't I heard about it?" An Fengyang showed a surprised expression.
"I got back today. Just got off the plane. Back for summer vacation." Zheng Yi walked over and looked him over. "What are you doing here? Visiting your alma mater?"
An Fengyang's expression suddenly became a little unnatural: "Come back to see the teacher."
Zheng Yi didn't think much of it and patted his shoulder. "How did you do on the college entrance exam? It should be pretty good, right? With your level, you can get into any of the key universities in this city, right?"
"It's okay." An Fengyang smiled.
"That's awesome." Zheng Yi said sincerely.
An Fengyang has always had good grades. He himself said it was okay, so he will probably get into a key local university.
The two chatted for a few sentences, and Zheng Yi thought of the previous question again: "So which teacher are you looking for? Maybe I know him." An Fengyang hesitated and did not answer.
A large number of students poured out of the teaching building.
Zheng Yi spotted Jiang Haoxiang right away. She was wearing a school uniform with a ponytail, and was talking to the girl next to her.
"I miss Jiang so much!" he shouted.
Jiang Haoxiang turned around and saw Zheng Yi, her face clearly in disbelief. She quickly ran over. She felt a little unfamiliar because Zheng Yi had grown so tall. Actually, Jiang Haoxiang wasn't short, almost 5 feet 4 inches, but Zheng Yi looked like he was 2 feet tall!
"Zheng Yi, why are you here?" She stopped in front of him and looked up at him. "How did you grow so tall?"
Zheng Yi raised an eyebrow: "What do you mean? I wasn't short when I left."
"But you're really too tall now! You feel like two meters! Did you eat pig feed while you were abroad? How did you grow so fast?"
An Fengyang next to him couldn't help but laugh out loud.
Zheng Yi was so angry that he wanted to hit her on the head, gritting his teeth and saying, "I'm 1.85 meters tall!"
Jiang Hao wanted to hear laughter, and then he noticed An Fengyang next to him: "You are here too?"
It was strange. Before Zheng Yi showed up, she'd see An Fengyang waiting here almost every day after school, and she'd gotten used to walking part of the way back to the dormitory with him. But as soon as Zheng Yi showed up, it was as if he'd sucked all her attention away. Everything around her, including An Fengyang, was no longer clear.
"I happened to run into your brother and we chatted for a while."
Jiang Haoxiang nodded: "Well, my brother is back. You don't have to take me back to the dormitory today. I will go home with Zheng Yi."
Of course An Fengyang couldn't object: "Okay, then you guys chat. Zheng Yi, let's meet again later." He waved to Zheng Yi, turned and left.
Zheng Yi watched An Fengyang leave, figuring out something was amiss. He asked, "Does An Fengyang often come to take you back to the dormitory?"
What he actually wanted to ask was, do you come here every day?
But when the words were on the tip of my tongue, I left myself a way out and changed it to "often".
That inexplicable sensitivity and temptation is hidden in this subtle difference in the words.
Jiang Haoxiang was immersed in the emotion of Zheng Yi's return and didn't think much about it: "Yes."
She originally wanted to say "every day", but the words were on the tip of her tongue and she didn't say them.
How long is it often? Zheng Yi didn't ask any more questions. "Let's go home." He reached out and wanted to touch her hair. Halfway through, he found that she had indeed grown a lot taller. He reached out to take Jiang Haoxiang's schoolbag, "Give me the schoolbag, it looks quite heavy."
Jiang Haoxiang dodged it a bit and said, "No, I can carry it myself. It's not heavy."
Zheng Yi was stunned. In the past, she wanted to throw everything to him.
"Do you remember the ice cream shop we used to go to after school? The one in the alley behind the school. The lady boss always gave you extra red beans. Want some more? Why don't we go check it out?" Zheng Yi suggested. He remembered that Jiang Haoxiang particularly liked the matcha ice cream there.
Jiang Haoxiang was happy to eat anything and didn't hesitate to accompany Zheng Yi. The two of them walked over there. Jiang Haoxiang hadn't been to the alley behind the back door in a long time. She usually ate in the cafeteria to save time. She wasn't as picky about food as she was as a child; instead, she was open to anything.
But thinking back, Jiang Haoxiang, as a child, was never a picky eater. This picky eating habit accompanied her for a while, perhaps a very difficult time, a time when she couldn't raise her fist to the world, a time when she couldn't control herself. To demonstrate her control, she learned to be picky about food.
When I arrived, I found that the store was closed.
The shop owners around were surprised: "It closed a long time ago. It's been almost half a year."
Small shops with high traffic like this have a fast turnover, so half a year is a long time.
It’s just that this ice cream shop has been open for at least ten years. It’s unbelievable that a shop that has been open for such a long time would close down.
Zheng Yi felt a little disappointed. He remembered that it was Jiang Haoxiang's favorite restaurant and thought mentioning it would make her happy. But it had closed down. What a shame.
"Don't be angry, I'll buy you an ice cream." Zheng Yi coaxed her.
Jiang Hao wanted to be amused by his question. "Why should I be angry? It's normal for a store to close. It's okay. If the old one goes, the new one will come. Tomorrow I'll help you find other similar stores. I know a few new ones, and the food is pretty good."
That’s not the case, Zheng Yi thought.
Jiang Hao thought of herself as a child. If she didn't get to eat what she wanted or go where she wanted, she would cry and make a fuss, thinking that the whole world was bullying her. Zheng Yi could only rack her brains to coax her.
He was prepared to see her disappointed expression, but she didn't.
She comforted him in return with an open-mindedness that was very unfamiliar to Zheng Yi.
Zheng Yi looked at her and didn't know how to respond.
On the way back, Zheng Yi silently observed Jiang Haoxiang beside him. He found that Jiang Haoxiang had really changed. Not in appearance, but in the way she felt.
She no longer walks in a skipping manner like when she was a child. Instead, she pays attention to the passing vehicles and Zheng Yi no longer has to be nervous when crossing the road.
She talked to him about interesting things in school, how Teacher Zhou in the painting studio praised her again, and how Jiujiu had gained weight recently, her tone was cheerful.
She no longer shared every detail of her life with him like she did when they were little, and he was the first person she would go to when she encountered trouble. She had her own world, her own friends, and her own pace.
She was no longer like she was when she was little, easily angered and unable to move without him and Xiang Li. She would carry her own heavy schoolbag, show understanding when her favorite store closed, and comfort him with an open mind.
Jiang Haoxiang is no longer the girl who needs him to send her an electric fan, needs his help to deal with classmates who bully her, needs his company to feel at ease, and even feels aggrieved when her toothpaste is used.
Jiang Haoxiang already knows how to wash her own clothes, sweep the floor, eat by herself, play with cats, draw by herself, and read by herself. Zheng Yi seems to be redundant.
Zheng Yi never thought that he would become redundant to Jiang Haoxiang.
This feeling of being redundant made him feel even more uncomfortable than not having anyone pick him up at the airport. Zheng Yi couldn't help but wonder if it was because he had been away for too long.
Is it because a peer like An Fengyang, who appears in her life every day, has replaced his former position?
Zheng Yi felt sad. Not because the ice cream shop had closed, nor because of An Fengyang, but because of Jiang Haoxiang, who no longer needed his care.
He wanted Jiang Hao to need him forever and be inseparable from him.
Zheng Yi attributed this to his worry about Jiang Haoxiang.
If worrying about someone becomes a habit, it's impossible to break it. Just like when he was a kid, he had poor grades, but Xiang Liye and Jiang Haoxiang pushed him into studying hard, and he's managed to maintain his grades pretty well over the years. If you let him go back to that state, he won't be able to do anything.
He felt that his possessiveness towards Jiang Haoxiang stemmed from this habitual care.
It's the same principle.
He was used to worrying about her, used to her relying on him, but now she suddenly didn't need him anymore, pulling away and acting independent. Zheng Yi was like Sisyphus pushing a stone, and now the stone suddenly started to walk on its own. He felt like a heavy object had been lifted from his body, and he lost his balance for a moment.
This sense of imbalance made him want to do something to reconnect and confirm his place in her life.
When they reached the gate of the community, Zheng Yi stopped and asked, "Jiang Haoxiang, have you ever thought about studying abroad?"
Xiang Li had actually asked Jiang Haoxiang this question before, when she had passed high school, her grades were stable, and she could start thinking about her future. Jiang Haoxiang had directly refused: "My dad wouldn't agree."
Jiang Cheng's greatest hope for his daughter is to go to a good university, find a stable job, marry a reliable person, and live a safe and smooth life.
"Don't worry about the money, my mother can pay for it." Zheng Yi knew without hesitation that this was the obstacle standing in front of Jiang Haoxiang.
Xiang Li had also said this. At the time, Xiang Li said that if Hao Xiang really wanted to go out and see the world, she didn't have to worry about the money. Xiang Li treated Hao Xiang like his own daughter and was willing to fully support her.
But this time, Jiang Hao's reason for refusing was no longer the same dilemma he had when he first started learning to paint.
She really didn't think it was necessary.
She has excellent grades and consistently ranks among the top students in her class. With her college entrance exam scores, she's well-positioned to get into a good university. She has her own plans for the future, hoping to spend a few years at university to truly experience the world.
With more time and a broader environment, I can think clearly about what I like most and what I want to learn, and what I desire in my heart.
By then, if she still feels the need for overseas educational resources and experience, she can apply for it through her own efforts.
Instead of being like now, with unclear purpose, going abroad just for the sake of going abroad, or going abroad for someone, disrupting one's own rhythm, like a duck being forced to climb a tree.
Jiang Haoxiang really thought it was neither rational nor necessary.
She explained her thoughts to Zheng Yi, but Zheng Yi refused to listen. He believed that behind all these high-sounding reasons, there was only one core: Jiang Hao wanted to be distant with him and draw a clear line between them.
She was unwilling to accept his and Xiang Li's help, and unwilling to be tied to his life trajectory anymore. She pushed him away from her life with all her strength, pushing him to a safe distance.
Zheng Yi was flustered, and suddenly a nameless rage exploded. He wanted to force her: "If you don't go abroad, then I won't go to a foreign university either."
Zheng Yi didn't take the college entrance exam. All his preparation and application focused on studying architecture at a foreign university. If he didn't go, he would have no books to read.
He threatened Jiang Haoxiang by destroying his own future, forcing her to go with him. He wanted their life trajectories to overlap for a large part again, and wanted to return to the state where he could see her and participate in her life at any time.
Jiang really wanted to look at Zheng Yi. Perhaps it was because today's class was too tiring, with too many questions, and she was too sleepy. Otherwise, how could she feel tired looking at the Zheng Yi she had been thinking about, the Zheng Yi who had crossed the country to be by her side, the Zheng Yi who still cared for her and comforted her?
After walking a long way, you finally see a glimmer of hope, but find that the person you are walking with insists on pulling you back.
She knew Zheng Yi. She knew how much he had worked to get into that university's architecture program. She knew he loved Gaudí. She knew he loved those fantastical pieces. She knew that although he had quit the painting club, he later found a teacher to systematically study art, laying the foundation for architecture. She knew how much effort he put into his language and portfolio. She knew how excited he was when he received the offer.
"Zheng Yi, you can't do this," Jiang Hao wanted to say. "That's your university, your future. You can't use it to threaten me. It's unfair and childish."
"I'm childish?" Zheng Yi laughed angrily. "Jiang Haoxiang, who am I doing this for?"
"You're not doing this for me. You're doing this for yourself, to make yourself feel at ease. You think something bad will happen to you if I leave you, and you think I have to live under your control to feel at ease."
"I was worried about you!"
"I don't need this kind of worry. I can take care of myself. I'm no longer the Jiang Haoxiang who can't live without you."
Zheng Yi's face suddenly darkened. He thought of what Jiang Hao had said when the ice cream shop closed: "The old must go before the new can come." Was that true? Zheng Yi represented the old world, and Jiang Hao wanted to move on to the new. Without saying goodbye to him, she couldn't enter the new world. Was that true?
Jiang Haoxiang saw Zheng Yi's ugly face, but didn't say anything nice to coax him.
She didn't want to be forced to change her own pace and make a decision she wasn't ready for just because of Zheng Yi's momentary possessiveness. At the same time, she didn't want Zheng Yi to give up the hard-earned opportunity because of her.
She didn't want to hear Zheng Yi say something like "If it hadn't been for you" one day in the future. She didn't want to bear the possible guilt, and she definitely didn't want to see Zheng Yi regret it in the future.
She cherishes Zheng Yi and the relationship between them, and doesn't want it to be damaged by any reality. This is the moon she hangs in the sky.
Jiang Hao wanted to analyze the pros and cons and tell Zheng Yi that she didn't have to sacrifice for her, because she couldn't afford it. To Zheng Yi, every word of this sounded alienating. The words about personal choice, no need to sacrifice, and being unable to afford it were all just empty rhetoric to draw a line in the sand!
He felt like a piece of his heart was thrown to the ground!
"Jiang really misses me!" He interrupted her, "You've said so much, isn't it just that you don't want to be with me? You think I'm redundant and in your way, right?"
"Zheng Yi, that's not what I meant. I'm doing this for your own good, and for ours."
"For our own good? You're right, I'm really worrying too much. Jiang Hao wants to grow up and doesn't need me anymore. I'm being sentimental, shameless, and heartless. Okay!"
"Zheng Yi!"
The two of them were like two fighting cocks.
After a while, Jiang Hao wanted to give in. She didn't want to quarrel, and she didn't want to hurt him.
She stretched out her right little finger and handed it to Zheng Yi.
Just like the countless times we quarreled and made up as children.
Jiang Hao wanted to end this meaningless argument and whispered, "Zheng Yi, I will grow up well, you don't have to worry about me. I will study hard and live a good life in the future. You have to work hard too. Let's make a promise. Okay?"
To Zheng Yi, these words and actions were an ultimatum, a clear demarcation line. "I'm responsible for my future, and you're responsible for yours. Let's both be well."
He didn't reach out.
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