Chapter 14 Capacitor Mom, I want to learn to draw
The red plastic running track surrounds the green field. The junior high school playground is much larger than the high school playground, so there are not only junior high school students playing football on the field, but also many people like Zheng Yi who stroll over from the high school across the street to play football.
Zheng Yi and Jiang Haoxiang walked side by side on the grass inside the track. Zheng Yi stuffed his hands in his coat pockets, his head lowered, staring at his moving feet. Jiang Haoxiang followed beside him, his hands clasped behind his back.
Jiang Haoxiang suddenly stopped and turned around, looking at Zheng Yi: "You go to Spain."
Zheng Yi felt a little embarrassed because he was a little unhappy with Jiang Haoxiang's reaction.
Of course he wasn't happy. Spain was so far away, separated by time zones and oceans. Going there would mean leaving everything familiar, leaving behind the friends he'd grown up with, leaving behind Xiang Li, and most importantly, leaving behind Jiang Haoxiang, the woman he'd been so used to worrying about. He couldn't imagine a life without Jiang Haoxiang.
Jiang Haoxiang wasn't scared off by him and remained serious. Now, in Jiang Haoxiang's eyes, which looked exactly like Lin Ran's, there was the same gentleness that Lin Ran had once possessed, a very powerful gentleness.
"I don't have a mother anymore," she said softly, "so I often wonder what she was like before she died. Sometimes I regret it. I regret that I was too young back then and couldn't remember much. Zheng Yi, I don't want you to regret it."
Jiang Hao wanted to call him by his name without adding the suffix "brother".
Zheng Yi looked at her. He didn't know when Jiang Hao had grown up into a big child who would enlighten him.
Most of the resistance in my heart disappeared.
He turned away, looking awkward: "Then I'll go, will you miss me?"
Jiang Haoxiang said without hesitation: "Yes."
This made Zheng Yi feel a little better, but the reluctance to part with it surged back. He suddenly remembered something and brought up the past, looking a bit like he was picking on someone: "Then why didn't you bring that fan with you when you moved? You couldn't sleep without it, didn't you?"
Jiang Haoxiang was speechless at his jumping thoughts and bringing up old issues. He rolled his eyes and said, "It's inconvenient! The dormitory is so small, and there are four of us living there."
"What's inconvenient for you? Didn't I help you move everything? From your house to mine, from my house back to yours, and then from your house to the dormitory, every time I didn't do the hard work?"
Jiang Hao seemed to be truly defeated by his logic and wanted to stamp her feet. When she had insisted on moving with the electric fan, Zheng Yi had clearly looked disgusted and scolded her for being troublesome. Now that she didn't want to take it because it took up too much space, he was scolding her instead.
She felt like she was Sun Wukong, and Zheng Yi was the Tang Monk who would make trouble even when he was wrong! Jiang Haoxiang hated Tang Monk the most! He was simply unreasonable!
Zheng Yi, however, said with a hint of unrealistic emotion: "It would be great if you were Sun Wukong."
"Ah?" Jiang Hao seemed to have not followed his train of thought.
"You can become big or small, tiny and shrink into my pocket. I carry you with me wherever I go."
Jiang Haoxiang's heart skipped a beat. She lowered her head and pretended to look at the fake grass on the ground.
The two walked in silence for a while. Jiang Hao felt that her legs were a little tired. She saw the concrete steps of the stand next to her and had not yet sat down when Zheng Yi pulled her back, took off his coat, folded it up in a few seconds, and put it under her butt.
"Sit down, it's cold."
A boy in a high school uniform walked towards them. It was An Fengyang, spinning a basketball in his hands, sweat on his brow.
"Hello, sister. Zheng Yi, what are you doing here? Come and play some ball?" An Fengyang greeted with a smile.
Zheng Yi shook his head, looking listless: "I'm not in the mood."
An Fengyang sat down next to him and placed the basketball at his feet: "What's wrong? You look distracted."
"It's still about that."
An Fengyang patted Zheng Yi's shoulder, not knowing what to say. It was difficult for outsiders to intervene in matters of family and life and death.
He asked, "What about your sister? She's here alone?" He was referring to Jiang Haoxiang.
This happened to hit another point on Zheng Yi's mind. He sighed deeply and could only manage one sentence: "It's okay, I have my mom."
Then he thought about it and said, "Isn't this just right?" He turned to Jiang Hao and said, "If you have anything to do, you can find An Fengyang. You two can add each other on WeChat."
Jiang Haoxiang obediently took out his mobile phone. An Fengyang also smiled and took out his mobile phone. The two scanned the code and added each other as friends.
After adding WeChat, Jiang Hao wanted to look at An Fengyang and say, "I'll treat you to a meal next time too." She already knew that it was he who secretly paid the bill last time.
An Fengyang was amused by her serious look of wanting to return a favor, and waved his hand: "No, no, it's a small matter."
He stood up, picked up the basketball from the ground, and said to Zheng Yi, "Okay, don't worry about it. Things will work out in the end. I'm going to play basketball first."
An Fengyang ran away holding the basketball.
The high school across the street was also a key city school, with a high admission score. Zheng Yi had barely made it into a key junior high school, and later a key high school, thanks in large part to Jiang Haoxiang. If it weren't for setting an example for her, or thinking about the future, he wouldn't have been able to put in the hard work, given his lazy nature. Not all of his good friends made it through the exams; An Fengyang was truly reliable.
It’s just that Zheng Yi studied hard so that he could be “reliable” to Jiang Haoxiang, but now things don’t go as he wished, and he has to go overseas.
Zheng Yi and Jiang Hao seemed to be silent, sitting quietly in the stands. Zheng Yi watched the figures running back and forth on the court, and the shouts now sounded like a parting sound to his ears.
Going to a strange country to accompany a life that was nearing its end, a life that belonged to my own father, was a heavy decision.
Jiang Hao wanted to hug her knees. She could sense Zheng Yi's downturn, and she didn't know how to comfort her, so she could only stay with her. She thought of her mother, Lin Ran, but her memory was already hazy, only fragments remained. She thought, if only she were older by then, she could remember more of her mother. She didn't want Zheng Yi to have such regrets in the future.
"Brother Zheng Yi, is Spain very far away?"
Zheng Yi came back to his senses and hummed.
"We can't understand what the people there are saying, right?"
"Um."
"So when you go there, are you going to learn Spanish?"
"I guess so."
"Will you call me? The kind that calls via video?"
"meeting."
“Is the food over there delicious?”
"have no idea."
She asked a question and he answered it.
The players began to leave. Zheng Yi stood up and held out his hand to Jiang Haoxiang. Jiang Haoxiang placed her hand on it. Zheng Yi pulled her up from the steps, picked up the jacket, and draped it over his arm.
"Let's go back." He said, his voice a little more relaxed than before.
Jiang Hao wanted to follow him.
Zheng Yi thought, maybe Jiang Haoxiang was right, and he didn't want to regret it.
Jiang Haoxiang looked at the back of the young man in front of him and thought to himself: Brother Zheng Yi, I will grow up well here.
On the day of the farewell at the airport, Jiang Haoxiang and Xiang Li stood together, watching Zheng Yi walk through the security checkpoint, carrying his bag and suitcase. Jiang Haoxiang remained calm, even forcing a smile and waving back when Zheng Yi turned around to wave.
When it was confirmed that Zheng Yi's flight had departed, Jiang Hao's previous calmness crumbled. But Xiang Li was right beside her, a hand on her shoulder. She couldn't cry. She was afraid that Aunt Xiang Li would be even more upset, and she also didn't want to seem insensible. After all, she had been the one who persuaded Zheng Yi to go.
She could only lower her head and ask, "Auntie, do you miss Zheng Yi?"
Xiang Li turned his head, looked at her swirl of hair, and pulled Jiang Hao into his arms: "It's okay, I miss you so much. He will be back in two years. It's a good thing for him to go out and see the world."
Jiang Haoxiang buried her face in Xiang Li's arms, almost unable to hold back her tears. She blinked desperately, then nodded in Xiang Li's arms.
I'll be back in two years, she kept telling herself.
Xiang Li was very perceptive and could see that Jiang Haoxiang was in a panic. Without saying anything, he took Jiang Haoxiang's hand and took her back to his own home instead of sending her back to Jiang's house.
"Just stay here. Auntie will take you back to school tonight." Xiang Li put Jiang Haoxiang's schoolbag away and patted Jiujiu who was curled up on the sofa. "Haoxiang, play with Jiujiu for a while. Auntie has something to do outside and will be back soon."
Jiujiu walked over and rubbed Jiang Haoxiang's leg.
The familiar surroundings and the kitten greatly alleviated Jiang Haoxiang's uneasiness. She collapsed on the living room sofa for a while, then ran to Zheng Yi's room door to peek in. The room was tidy, the desk empty. Without that person, the room seemed to have lost its soul.
She wandered around aimlessly for a while, finally wandering into the study. Alongside various books, the bookshelves against the wall held some old picture albums and unused stationery. She rummaged through them and found a stack of sketch paper and pencils.
Zheng Yi was a skilled artist, having been obsessed with comics as a child, honing his skills by copying from them. Jiang Haoxiang, on the other hand, was a complete novice. She picked up a pencil and began scribbling on the paper. Then, she looked at Jiujiu, who was basking in the sun by the bay window in her study. Jiang Haoxiang tried to draw it. The cat's round body was a little square, but she applied every stroke with care.
After painting a few abstract portraits of Jiujiu, her pen began to turn to the people in her memory.
She drew Aunt Xiang Li, drawing her smiling face.
She drew Zheng Yi, drawing him with a frown on his face.
As she continued to paint, her lines became smoother, and she began to freely draw portraits, without any prototypes, just based on her feelings.
When Xiang Li returned home, the house was quiet. She changed her shoes and walked to the study, where she saw Jiang Haoxiang asleep on the desk. She walked over quietly and saw the paintings. The top few were of Jiujiu, followed by paintings of her and Zheng Yi. Looking further back, Xiang Li was stunned when she saw several unfamiliar female faces on the papers.
It was Lin Ran when he was young.
As she flipped through the pictures one by one, Jiang Hao seemed to wake up and saw Xiang Li looking at her paintings seriously.
Jiang Hao seemed a little embarrassed and whispered, "Auntie, I can't draw well."
Xiang Li raised her head. "Who said that? It's a great painting! I really think you have a talent for painting!" She picked up the paintings of Lin Ran and said, "I thought you had lost all impression of your mother. I didn't expect you to be able to draw so closely."
"Mom?" Jiang Haoxiang looked at Xiang Li in confusion.
Xiang Li handed one of the pictures to her and pointed at the painting: "Look, this painting looks exactly like your mother."
Jiang Haoxiang only realized it belatedly and looked at the figures she had casually drawn. After Xiang Li pointed it out, she realized that these faces, which she thought were just imaginary, actually overlapped with the shadows of her mother in her memory.
"Your mother was very good at painting." Xiang Li said with nostalgia, "She used to love painting landscapes the most. If she were still here, she would definitely let you take interest classes and help you find a hobby you truly enjoy."
Jiang Cheng and her stepmother weren't bad to her. They never lacked food, clothing, or daily necessities, and even praised her for her good grades. But they never considered that Jiang Hao might have other aspirations besides studying. They considered good grades the most important thing, and everything else was unnecessary embellishment.
Xiang Li looked at Jiang Haoxiang, who seemed to be lost in thought, and suggested, "Haoxiang, this week, Auntie should ask which art studio is good. I'll pick you up this weekend, and we can go to the studio to take a look, okay? Just treat it as a trip to have some fun and get a feel for it."
Jiang Hao thought about it, but... she didn't nod immediately.
Xiang Li smiled and didn't force her: "Don't worry, take your time to think about it. Come and eat first. Auntie bought your favorite food."
Two days later, Jiang Haoxiang finally received a video call from Zheng Yi in Spain. The background on the other side of the screen was an unfamiliar street, the sky was blue, and the buildings were a warm yellow.
"This is near where I live." Zheng Yi shook the camera. He looked in good spirits, except that his hair seemed a little messy from the wind. "After I've settled in a few days, I'll go to the beach and take some pictures for you."
He also mentioned that he had already contacted the Chinese school here and would start classes in a few days. He also said that he was planning to join the school's painting club.
Jiang Hao wanted to hear the word "painting". His heart moved and he couldn't help but interrupt: "Auntie is also planning to let me learn painting."
"Really?" Zheng Yi seemed very happy. "That's great. Go quickly. I tell you, painting is so much fun! You're sure to like it!"
He talked excitedly for a long time, but found that Jiang Hao on the other side of the screen seemed to be silent.
"Why aren't you talking? Do you want to learn how to paint?"
"No. I just don't think it's a good idea."
"What's wrong?"
"I always spend my aunt's money and make her worry. How can this be?" She expressed her concerns.
Aunt Xiang Li has been good enough to her, she can't take it for granted to accept more.
Zheng Yi was a little angry when he spoke again: "Jiang Haoxiang, what are you thinking about? When you were a child, you called her mom! From childhood to adulthood, hasn't my mother treated you like her own daughter? She fed you, clothed you, worried about your studies, and worried that you would be wronged. Now you are suddenly alienated from her? You should be thinking about how to be filial to her and repay her when you grow up. Instead of suddenly distancing yourself from her now because she treats you well. Do you know how hurtful this is?"
Jiang Haoxiang was frightened by Zheng Yi's rare stern tone, and her eyes turned red.
Zheng Yi still felt that this was not enough, so he pressed the point again: "Jiang Haoxiang, tell me honestly, do you really treat my mom as your mom? Do you treat me as your brother? You can't be so distant with us, understand?"
Jiang Haoxiang was unable to answer, but at that moment, her roommate called her from the door to go get some water. Jiang Haoxiang hurriedly said to her phone, "I'm going to get some water," and then hung up the video call.
That night, Jiang Haoxiang washed up and climbed into bed, hugging the old cat doll. The lights in the dormitory were off. Jiang Haoxiang wanted to bury his face in the fur of the cat doll.
"You're so hurtful."
Tears welled up in her eyes, and Jiang Hao felt like she hadn't cried for a long time.
She didn't tell the truth.
Part of the reason was indeed that she was worried that Aunt Xiang Li would spend too much money on her. She felt that this was not right and that Xiang Li had no obligation to do so.
Another reason she couldn't express was that if she accepted Aunt Xiang Li's offer and started learning painting, it would prove that her father, her real family, wasn't treating her well at all.
It's hard to describe this feeling. Anyone with a discerning eye knows that this family and this father treat her badly, but Jiang Haoxiang doesn't dare to become the evidence.
She thought of Dada, the little monster, a three-faced creature. Jiang Haoxiang felt that she was becoming more and more like Dada. She also had three faces: one for Jiang Cheng, one for the world, and one for Xiang Li and Zheng Yi.
Jiang Haoxiang seemed to understand Aunt Xiang Li's care for her, her concern for her, and her spending on food and drink. However, Jiang Haoxiang found it a bit unbearable that her father had never thought of sending her to interest classes, but Aunt Xiang Li sent her to learn painting.
She suspected it was her own sensitivity and inferiority complex.
Her tears soaked the doll's fur. She didn't dare cry out loud.
She remembered so much. She remembered Aunt Xiang Li's warm embrace, she remembered her touching her head and saying, "We really want to know the limits," she remembered the room she prepared for her, she remembered her standing in front of her to block her father's questions, she remembered her surprised eyes.
I remembered Brother Zheng Yi's awkward concern, I remembered him running to deliver an electric fan in the middle of the night, I remembered him protecting me behind his back and arguing with the adults, I remembered him eating the food I didn't like for me, I remembered him taking off his coat and putting it under the concrete steps.
How could she not treat them as her mother and brothers?
But she couldn't take it for granted and wanted to carefully draw a line between the two. Was this because of her sensitivity and inferiority complex?
Thirteen-year-old Jiang Haoxiang still seems like a child.
I couldn't understand why I was so conflicted because I was trying to preserve a bit of dignity for the so-called "family".
What she was afraid of was not that Xiang Li would spend money on her, but that it would make her father's absence too obvious.
She is the fig leaf of this family, and she cannot lift it herself.
But Zheng Yi said that if she didn't reveal it, it would really hurt their feelings.
Am I comparing my father's shortcomings with Xiang Li's good points too much?
How could this be possible? How could Dad compare to Aunt Xiang Li...
If Aunt Xiang Li treats me badly, does that prove that my father treats me well? This cannot be proven.
Doesn't that prove the opposite, which is unfair to Aunt Xiang Li?
I don’t know how long I cried, and most of the anxiety in my heart seemed to disappear with my tears.
She suddenly felt a little bit of determination, which she had never felt before.
Sniffing, Jiang Hao touched the phone beside the pillow and wanted to open Xiang Li's WeChat chat box: "Mom, I want to learn painting."
About five minutes later, the phone screen lit up.
Xiang Li replied: "Okay, baby, I'll pick you up this weekend, go to sleep."
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