Chapter 52 Kneeling and Asking the Ex-wife (5) Let go.
On February 2, the dragon raises its head, the morning light is dim, and it is a cold and sunny day.
After Meng Xuanli changed her clothes, she walked out of Chengju. Lu Guanque was waiting for her outside the house. He saw her walking slowly towards him, wearing a sky-blue jacket and skirt and white jade earrings.
The sunlight reflected on her hair. He stretched out his hand tentatively. She hesitated for a moment and then took it.
To outsiders, it was perfectly normal for two people to ride in the same carriage. But for them, this was the first time they had ridden in the same carriage since their relationship had drifted apart.
Meng Xuanli had clear eyes and a sensitive mind, able to notice things that ordinary people didn't, and thus resonate with them. However, at this moment, although she noticed the subtle atmosphere between the two, she felt no emotion.
Not to mention any feelings.
The carriage stopped in front of the Changsheng Temple, which was bustling with people and incense. They followed the crowd inside and burned incense in front of the Sanqing Hall.
Meng Xuanli knelt on the mat with his eyes closed, not knowing what he wanted to pray for.
To be honest, she had almost no desire to speak today, whether to the gods or Lu Guanque. This trip was just a formality, just to relax.
Lu Guanque stood half a step behind her, looking at her slender back. Meng Xuanli seemed like a Taoist practitioner in the temple, closing her eyes and concentrating, her mind focused.
For a moment, his eyes were deep and complicated.
When Meng Xuanli stood up, he inadvertently turned around and saw Zheng Wanruo slowly approaching.
She was not like usual today, but rather appeared to be more indifferent. She was wearing a plain jacket and skirt, accompanied by a maid, and looked like she had just finished offering incense.
Zheng Wanruo seemed a little surprised and walked forward with a smile: "Duke, Madam." As she said this, her eyes were fixed on Meng Xuanli: "I didn't expect to see you here."
Meng Xuanli returned the greeting: "What a coincidence."
Lu Guanque's expression was indifferent. He put his arm around Meng Xuanli's waist, looked at her profile, and said in a low voice, "I heard that the temple has specially prepared tea today. Ah Li loves tea, why don't you go to the side hall and have a cup?"
Meng Xuanli wanted to refuse, but Zheng Wanruo's eyes were fixed on him, making him feel uncomfortable, so he replied, "Okay."
The two of them arrived at a side hall, which was less crowded. A little Taoist boy served them tea. Meng Xuanli drank a cup and sighed, "The tea is warm and a little bitter."
Lu Guanque nodded: "It tastes a bit bitter than usual."
After sitting for a while, Lu Guanque and Meng Xuanli stood up to say goodbye. As they left the side hall, Zheng Wanruo looked at them with an ambiguous expression. She smiled and left only after their backs disappeared behind the pillars.
It was almost noon when they left Changsheng Temple. Lu Guanque and Meng Xuanli went to Shunhe Tower. Their elegant second-floor seats overlooked the street, and below them lay the bustling market, a cacophony of voices.
The play "Nan Ke Ji" is being performed on the stage, with stringed instruments, gongs and drums, singing, reciting, acting and fighting, it is very lively.
Meng Xuanli watched in a trance. Chunyu Fen experienced all the glory and wealth in his dream, but after waking up, he found that it was only a moment.
She suddenly remembered that all these years between her and Lu Guanque were nothing but a big dream.
Lu Guanque sat beside her, not looking at the stage much, his eyes mostly fixed on her silhouette. Seeing her focused expression, occasionally moved by the play, his heart relaxed a little.
He wasn't worried about her showing her emotions, or crying. He was worried about her having no emotions, that everything looked the same to her.
It was dusk when the show ended.
The only thing left on the horizon was the orange-red sunset glow, its beautiful light and shadows casting a leisurely shadow on the bluestone streets. They did not take the carriage again, but walked slowly back along the long street, side by side.
Halfway, they came across a stall selling candy figures. Lu Guanque stopped, bought a rabbit candy figure and handed it to her.
Meng Xuanli was slightly startled and took it.
She remembered that a long time ago, not long after they got married, he took her out to see a play for the first time, and on the way back, he bought a sugar figure like this.
At that time, both her eyes and his were smiling.
Further ahead came a small arch bridge. Beneath it, the river gurgled, reflecting the last rays of the setting sun. They all paused at the bridgehead.
"Do you still remember this place?" Lu Guanque spoke in a low voice.
Meng Xuanli looked at the flowing water under the bridge. This was the place where they had their first argument. It was on this bridge during the Lantern Festival that year that she had thought of forgiving him.
The past is like smoke, scenes passing by before my eyes.
Those quarrels, suspicions, and hurts are real.
The joy, tacit understanding, and companionship are also unforgettable.
She remembered him returning from the battlefield, covered in wounds, yet stubbornly seeking her out; she remembered the stinging pain in his eyes when he was in Lingnan; she remembered him hugging her and saying, "Ali, don't be afraid..."
The hard stone that had been blocking my heart slipped away quietly in the evening breeze. The hatred and love seemed to be carried away by the flowing river. Meng Xuanli gently bit into the candy man, and the sweetness melted on his tongue.
"Remember." She finally turned her head and looked at him, her eyes calm, no longer distant and cold as before.
Lu Guanque saw that her clear eyes reflected the sunset, and also reflected his own miniature self. A thought struck him, and he immediately said solemnly, "Ali, I'm sorry."
Meng Xuanli shook her head and said nothing. She knew that some forgiveness didn't require words.
The setting sun had completely sunk into the western mountains, a lingering smudge of red still lingering on the horizon. They continued walking back side by side, their figures drawing closer in the twilight, their steps becoming increasingly consistent.
Soon, the two of them entered the mansion, one in front of the other, crossed the courtyard, and stepped into Chengju. The maids quietly came to greet them, took their cloaks, served them hot tea, and then quietly retreated, carefully closing the door behind them.
There were only two of them left outside.
Meng Xuanli sat in the armchair, not intending to speak because she had nothing to say. Lu Guanque knew this very well, and with his hands on both sides of the armrests, he looked at her quietly from a distance.
Even without saying anything, Lu Guanque knew in his heart that he didn't want her to go, he didn't want her to leave, and he didn't want her to disappear from his world.
After a long pause, he spoke in a low voice, "Ali."
"I know that no matter how many times I apologize, I can't erase the hurt I've caused you. Every time I think of those words and those things, I wish I could..."
He paused, afraid that she would be sad again, and then said, "But my feelings for you have never changed, and they have never been false."
"It was then, it is now, and it will be in the future."
Lu Guanque’s words were like the moon in the water, rippling through Meng Xuanli’s heart. But when he lifted it up, he realized it was just an illusory beauty. [1]
She slowly raised her head and met his gaze, which was so intense and painfully sincere that she almost drowned in it.
Meng Xuanli remained silent and did not respond immediately. Instead, he slowly put his hands on the armrest and slid his fingertips over, as if sorting out his messy thoughts.
"Lu Guanque." She called his name.
"I remember all the good things you gave me. They are all real."
A glimmer of light flashed in Lu Guanque's eyes, as if he saw hope.
However, Meng Xuanli didn't stop talking. She continued calmly, "But the pain, suspicion, careless verbal harm you caused me, and the threats that almost broke me."
“They’re all real, too.”
Meng Xuanli looked at him intently, without any resentment, only understanding. "But now, no matter the good or the bad, they are all gone for me."
"They are too heavy. I have carried them for too long. Now it is time to let them go."
She emphasized: "In fact, it should have been let go a long time ago."
After Meng Xuanli finished speaking, he took the initiative to move forward, stretched out his arms, and gently hugged his neck.
This hug was like a ritual, announcing that they were done and could leave the stage.
Lu Guanque froze, and almost subconsciously reached out and held her tightly in his arms. The pale moonlight shone through the window, like her body, so light that it seemed to float away.
"Since you don't hate each other anymore and we've broken up, why can't you stay?"
Lu Guanque's eyes flushed red, and his voice was a little uncontrollably urgent: "Let's...let's forget the past and start over, okay?"
"In the days to come, I will treat you well."
Meng Xuanli did not struggle, but just listened to his breathing quietly, and then gently and extremely firmly pushed him away.
"Lu Guanque, forgiving you doesn't mean nothing happened."
She shook her head, relief in her eyes: "Forgiving you means that all the feelings between us have been cleared. I am no longer trapped by your emotions. I can truly let you go and move on."
"Let go..." Lu Guanque muttered to himself, as if he understood the meaning of these two words for the first time.
He stared at her intently, trying to find disguise and hesitation in her eyes. After searching for a long time, he only found the lake water in late autumn.
The water was crystal clear, icy cold, and there was a quietness that was almost depressing.
After a long time, Lu Guanque's hands fell down weakly.
He understood that she was not angry, nor was she lying to him. She really, really wanted to leave him.
He seemed to have no position or qualifications to retain someone who was determined to leave.
"...Okay." His throat was dry, and he squeezed out a few words, "I understand. I respect your choice."
Lu Guanque was silent for a long time, so long that the faint sound of the night watch drum could be heard outside. He lowered his eyes, and his gaze swept across her eyebrows, as if he was describing her final appearance.
"In the future," he said with difficulty, "I will prepare the divorce papers... and send them to you."
Meng Xuanli listened quietly, her face showing no emotion, as if she were listening to an ordinary matter. She nodded and said, "Thank you."
Lu Guanque turned his face away, his jawline tense, a sourness and pain surging in his chest. He gritted his teeth, forcing back the heat in his eyes.
He couldn't lose his composure in front of her. He had already brought her so many tears. This was the last time...
He should at least have the decency to let it go.
Lu Guanque didn't say anything else, just looked at her deeply for the last time, then turned around and walked out of Chengju almost as if he was escaping.
Meng Xuanli sat alone in a chair for a long time without moving. At some point, she slowly walked to the dressing table and sat down, her face reflected in the mirror as calm as a stone.
The moment she lowered her eyes, her eyelashes trembled, like snow beads in winter, melting silently.
#
A few days later, in the early morning, the sky was gray and the city gate had just opened.
A carriage stopped not far from the city gate, its driver making his final inspection. Meng Xuanli stood beside the carriage, dressed simply, carrying only his belongings.
Lu Guanque had taken a special leave today, saying he wanted to give her a ride. He looked at her from the side and said something that wasn't quite a farewell: "I'll personally take you to Lingnan and back. Is that okay?"
Meng Xuanli shook his head: "We are very good as long as we get here."
"Then... be careful on your way." He said, his voice a little dry. "When you get to Lingnan, remember to write me a letter."
Meng Xuanli didn't look at him, his gaze fixed on the official road in the distance: "Well. Take care of yourself too."
After a brief silence, Meng Xuanli no longer hesitated, turned around, stepped on the footstool and got into the carriage.
The curtains fell, isolating the inside and outside.
The driver waved his whip, and the carriage started slowly and headed south.
Lu Guanque reined in his horse and stopped where he was, staring at the gradually blurry carriage, motionless.
He thought he could accept this result calmly, but when this moment really came, the reluctance and pain still overwhelmed him.
He gripped the reins tightly, his knuckles turning white. He watched for an unknown amount of time, until the carriage became a blurry black dot, but he still didn't move.
Due to staring for a long time, his eyes began to feel sore and even a little dizzy.
Lu Guanque closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and forced himself to turn around.
He should go back.
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The author has something to say: [References]
[1] Refer to the image of the moon in Eileen Chang’s Little Reunion.
I've been busy these past two days, I'll update more tomorrow.
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