Chapter 55: Holding the Moon in the Water (3) Wake up.
Late at night, Lu Guanque had a sad and long dream.
There was no flashing swords or raging storms in his dream, only Meng Xuanli. Her tears were like the black sea beneath the moon, each flow engulfing his nerves.
He looked at the white coast and wanted to wipe away her tears, but she trembled and retreated, begging desperately: "Lu Guanque, please let me go."
"I don't want to die in your hands. I beg you, please let me go."
He reached out to pull her back, but she moved further away. After a wave passed, all that remained in his palm was the fine sand.
Looking back, Meng Xuanli was standing on the edge of an illusory cliff, with empty eyes, staring at him with despair through tears.
Almost at the same time, she took out a dagger and stabbed herself in the heart without hesitation. Blood splattered like red flowers, falling from the sky.
"No!"
Lu Guanque suddenly woke up from his dream, gasping in fear, and felt a tearing and stinging pain in his back.
Realizing it was a dream, he took a deep breath and turned his stiff neck with difficulty. In the dim light and shadow, he saw her.
Meng Xuanli closed her eyes, lying on the edge of the bed, with her side face facing him. Her lips were dry, her hair was messy, and she looked haggard.
He recalled the scene on the official road outside the city. At that time, Meng Xuanli was in his arms, with red eyes and a thin layer of water in his eyes. Just like him now, he was afraid that the person in front of him would disappear in an instant.
Lu Guanque paused for a moment, then used all his strength to raise his uninjured arm and gently stroked the side of her face.
Meng Xuanli seemed to notice it, her long eyelashes trembled, and she slowly opened her eyes and met Lu Guanque's eyes.
At this moment, it is very quiet.
Meng Xuanli's face was pale, her eyes a bit confused. She blinked, thinking she was still dreaming, and then moisture gathered, becoming thicker and thicker, turning into large tears that fell silently.
She was quiet throughout the whole process.
Lu Guanque felt her warm breath, bloodshot at the corners of his eyes. He swallowed, and with his fingertips, very gently wiped away her tears that continued to flow.
"Why are you crying?" His throat was dry and his voice was hoarse.
Meng Xuanli suddenly came back to his senses, wiped his tears with his sleeve, and said with a sigh: "...I don't know either."
There was a strong nasal tone in her voice: "I never cried before." Although it was a lie, she still said it.
She didn't want him to feel guilty because of her emotions.
"Fortunately you woke up, otherwise I don't know how to... face you." As he said this, Meng Xuanli sniffed and raised his face slightly.
Lu Guanque felt a lingering pain in his heart. He lowered his brows and held her hand: "Even if you don't wake up, you can still face it."
She thought of his body and nodded randomly: "I'll pour you a cup of tea."
After saying this, Meng Xuanli stood up, supported his shoulders, and placed a soft pillow behind him. Her movements were extremely gentle, fearing to touch his wound.
The inner room was dim, but her face was covered with a layer of water light, shimmering like moonlight in the lake, with a flowing beauty.
Meng Xuanli brought the warm water from the table and patiently fed it to his lips.
Lu Guanque drank the water obediently, his eyes focused on her face, and said calmly, "Put this aside for now."
Meng Xuanli pursed her lips, set the porcelain bowl aside, and sat back down on the bed. She lowered her eyes and spoke softly, "Are you still feeling unwell?"
"Hmm..." He curled his lips slightly, "It's all fine, it just hurts a little here."
Meng Xuanli followed his gaze and looked at his heart, feeling a little bitter, and said, "Is it hurting inside or outside?"
"Inside." Lu Guanque looked at her, "...Why do you want to stay?"
What is meant to come will eventually come. Meng Xuanli bit the inside of her lip and slowly spoke her heart out: "I want to stay."
"You can fight like this for me, and I can fight like this for you. You can't leave me, and I can't leave you."
The weight of these words was not only clear to Meng Xuanli himself, but also to Lu Guanque.
But he knew that this was just a dream, or rather, it was the golden light behind her charity to the people. He had heard these words before, and had believed them and also had doubts.
But now, he dared not have any extravagant hopes, because he knew that the more extravagant hopes he had, the more disappointments he would have. When the time came, the pain would chew up his body and mind, making him no longer like a human being like before.
He wanted to set her free, even if it meant pain. He didn't want her to be as desperate and begging as she was in her dream.
After a moment, Lu Guanque took a deep breath and said calmly, "I saved you not to gain your sympathy, but out of instinct. Even if you hate me or blame me, I will save you."
Seeing her silence, Lu Guanque pursed his lips and said word by word, "So, if you really want to leave, don't let the fact that I saved you stop you."
"Ali, I don't want you to be heartbroken because of me anymore."
Meng Xuanli suddenly raised her eyes, her eyelashes fluttering, her throat choked: "Lu Guanque...what are you talking about?"
"I said I'm not leaving, so I'm not leaving." Her tone was uneven and a little annoyed.
Lu Guanque sighed, somewhat bitterly: "It's not that I don't understand, but your words are too heavy and too good. I am not qualified to accept them. I can no longer go against your wishes."
"Ali, I know you're a good person, and I know you're good to everyone, so I don't expect you to do anything for me. I just hope you live a good life, and preferably, be happy."
After he finished speaking, Lu Guanque turned his head away and stopped looking at her. He was afraid that if he looked at her again, he would be reluctant to let her go.
Meng Xuanli was a little annoyed. She slowly leaned over, cupping his cheeks with both hands, forcing him to look at her. After a long silence, she spoke in a hoarse voice, "Lu Guanque, my heart tells me I want to stay. I want to go on with you."
"I took the initiative, I was willing, I... love you."
"I looked into your eyes and I'm sure what I said is true."
Lu Guanque looked at her slightly flushed cheeks and the true love in her eyes. An incredible thought, like the dawn light, dispelled the fog in his heart.
She really does.
Love him.
Her words were like a summer evening breeze, blowing gently, making Lu Guanque's eyes sore and almost unable to breathe. He held her wrist, as if he were really holding the pouring moonlight.
Meng Xuanli felt a sharp pain from his sudden grip. She frowned, not understanding what he meant at all. "Don't you believe it?"
Lu Guanque's throat rolled over. He raised his hand to support the back of her neck and gently placed his hand on her forehead. "Before, I couldn't believe it, and I didn't dare to believe it. But now, I believe it, even if it's a dream."
His warm breath flowed over her face. Meng Xuanli slightly struggled against his hand, gently placed her hands on his chest, and listened to his heartbeat: "It's not a dream, it's real. However, these words will only count after you are completely well."
"For me." She whispered, "Lu Guanque, you have to live."
As soon as he finished speaking, Meng Xuanli caught a glimpse of his arm out of the corner of his eye.
Besides the bandage marks, there was a hideous scar. It was a mark of their past. Every time they broke, the scar deepened. Every time the blood flowed like a waterfall, she was filled with anger, but he remained unresponsive.
And those scars that she had deliberately ignored, or the pain that he had downplayed, now became extremely clear in her eyes.
Each one seemed to be telling about the dangers he had experienced and the risks he had taken for her.
Meng Xuanli's heart grew heavier and heavier, and all his words seemed pale and powerless at this moment.
She no longer tried to break free, but followed his strength, stretched out her arms, gently wrapped her arms around his neck, and buried her face in the crook of his neck.
Lu Guanque was stunned for a moment, then relaxed. He lowered his eyes, slowly raised his hand, and gently stroked her hair.
"It seems this self-torture trick really works." He said jokingly with a hint of exhaustion after surviving a disaster, "If I had known that Ali cared about me so much, I would have..."
"Don't say that." Meng Xuanli suddenly raised his head, interrupting him, "You are not allowed to joke about your own life, Lu Guanque. I won't allow it."
Lu Guanque met her eyes and seeing her nervous look, he restrained his smile, looked at her seriously and attentively, and nodded slowly.
"Okay, I won't tell you." He promised.
Lu Guanque's eyes lingered on her features, as if he could never get enough of them. After a moment's silence, he spoke again, his voice very soft, "Ali, I've never been this happy before."
Meng Xuanli bit her lip and retorted, "You're still happy even though you're in this state? You're just trying to trick me into crying."
Lu Guanque gently wiped away her tears with his fingertips, shook his head, and his eyes were as gentle as sugar water: "I didn't lie to you."
He paused, took a breath, and then continued, "Seeing you worry so much about me, and saying you'll never leave me again. I'm really happy."
Meng Xuanli was startled for a moment, then buried her face in his neck again, and said in a muffled voice: "I'm happy that you're awake."
A little water melted in the morning mist, and the sun rose, golden yellow, like a ripe loquat, suspended above the green leaves.
It was April, the end of spring. In the inner courtyard of Pu Garden, the grass and trees were lush and green, and the warm breeze was gentle.
Lu Guanque was wearing a loose robe, half leaning on the couch. Although his face was still pale, his eyes were slightly brighter.
Imperial Physician Yu would come to the house to take the patient's pulse every few days, and every time he would say the same thing: The patient has recovered well and the toxins have been cleared, but his internal organs have been damaged and his vitality has been greatly damaged. He needs to rest and recuperate for two months before he can move around again.
Although Lu Guanque was anxious about the military affairs of the court, he knew that this matter could not be rushed, so he could only patiently recuperate in the mansion.
Meng Xuanli was sitting on the stone bench beside him, peeling a pear with skillful and gentle movements.
In the past two months, she has been careful about almost everything, paying attention to his diet and daily life, and her originally cold brows have also become a little softer.
Uncle De came hurriedly and said that General Zheng had sent a letter requesting a visit.
Lu Guanque and Meng Xuanli looked at each other.
Although the story of Zheng Wanruo's assassination attempt was suppressed, those who knew about it knew it all. The Zheng residence had been closed to visitors for some time, and Zheng Pan also claimed to be ill and had not attended court. It seemed that he was worried sick about Zheng Wanruo.
Lu Guanque pondered for a moment and said, "Please ask General Zheng to come in."
Not long after, Zheng Pan came over alone, wearing casual clothes and walking steadily.
He glanced at Lu Guanque, who was leaning on the couch, a complex emotion flashing through his eyes. He then clasped his fists and bowed deeply, "Duke, Madam. I have failed in my daughter's upbringing, and I have come to apologize."
Zheng Qing's voice was low, and his straight spine unconsciously hunched a little in front of the younger generation.
Lu Guanque raised his hand slightly and said calmly, "No need to be so polite, old general. Please take a seat."
Zheng Pan did not sit down, but remained standing, continuing, "My daughter Wanruo made such a grave mistake that nearly cost the Duke's life. I am filled with guilt and shame."
"Today, I have brought her outside the palace. Whether to beat her, kill her, or hand her over to the authorities for investigation is entirely up to the Duke and his wife. I have absolutely no complaints."
Lu Guanque was silent for a moment. Naturally, he was angry at Zheng Wanruo. That poisoned crossbow arrow had nearly separated him from Meng Xuanli. But facing this colleague who had spent his entire military career, he felt a pity.
He turned his gaze to Meng Xuanli, who handed him the peeled pear, wiped his hands with a handkerchief, and looked up at Zheng Pan.
Meng Xuanli's eyes were calm, not filled with anger or pride, but with a kind of sadness that came from seeing through the world.
After a long pause, she slowly spoke, her voice clear and steady: "General Zheng."
“Love breeds delusion, delusion breeds delusion, delusion breeds hatred, and ultimately blinds the eyes, loses the mind, and commits irreparable mistakes.” [1]
"That's what Miss Zheng is like."
She paused, her eyes sweeping across Lu Guanque's pale face. Thinking of the crossbow arrow and the blood on the ground, she still felt a lingering pain in her heart.
Meng Xuanli spoke in a low voice, "Now that the Duke has woken up, I'm fine. Miss Zheng is young and impulsive, and she's acted drastically. Ultimately, she's a pitiful person."
"Whether it's beating or killing them, or sending them to the authorities, it won't help. Instead, it will only increase the entanglement, causing unrest in both governments and making the old general's later years difficult."
Seeing the old general's silence, Meng Xuanli continued, "Since Miss Zheng acted out of obsession, why not let her live alone in a courtyard of the mansion, reflect on her mistakes, and copy Buddhist scriptures every day."
"When she truly wakes up, then let her out."
Copying scriptures allows her to face her inner self in the boredom of day after day and grind away those crazy obsessions.
After listening to this, Lu Guanque's eyes flashed with understanding and approval. He looked at Zheng Pan and repeated Meng Xuanli's words, concluding, "Old General, my wife's wishes are also mine. Let this matter be concluded. I hope Miss Zheng will take care of herself."
Zheng Pan stood there, stunned for a long time. He had thought he would at least lose face today, but he didn't expect to receive such a lenient punishment.
He looked at Meng Xuanli, then at Lu Guanque, his eyes feeling a little hot.
He bowed deeply again, this time with a noticeable tremor of gratitude in his voice: "On behalf of Wanruo, I thank the Duke and the Madam. When I return, I will strictly discipline her and never let her set foot out of the courtyard again."
After seeing off Zheng Pan who expressed his gratitude profusely, the pavilion returned to silence.
Lu Guanque held Meng Xuanli's hand, gently stroked the back of her hand, and whispered, "I thought you would hate her."
Meng Xuanli leaned on his shoulder, looking at the swaying branches outside the pavilion, her eyes far away: "I hated her. But seeing her father like that... I felt that giving people a glimmer of hope for repentance is worse than complete punishment. Besides..."
She turned her head and looked at him: "You're awake, and we're all fine. This is more important than anything else. Why let a poor person lose her life and let her father live in pain for the rest of his life?"
Lu Guanque held her in his arms, his chin resting lightly against the top of her head: "I'm afraid you'll feel wronged."
Meng Xuanli shook her head gently in his arms without saying anything.
She was not feeling wronged, but after experiencing life and death, she understood more clearly that some obsessions should be let go, and that some forgiveness is not only a salvation for others, but also a relief for herself.
She no longer wanted to let hatred trap her own future and the future of her loved ones.
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The author has something to say: [References]
[1] Quoted from the “Miao Se Wang Seeking the Dharma”
If there is any abuse, I will tell you in advance. Chapter 55 and 56 are a little sweet.
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