Chapter 58: Holding the Moon in the Water (6) Divorce.
"You don't want me?" Meng Xuanli shook his head and laughed dumbly, "Lu Guanque, you don't want me?"
Her eyes were dazed, and she hadn't expected him to say that. "How could you say such a thing? Have you always been lying to me?"
"Abandon" and "don't want" have similar meanings, but in such a scenario, Meng Xuanli heard different meanings.
"Thrown away" means they were once in love but later separated. In this relationship, they are always equal, even if one person proposed first.
As for "no", it means that he has been playing with her feelings from the beginning to the end. He would keep her if she was happy and abandon her if she was unhappy. He was so carefree about whether he stayed or left, and did not treat her as a human being.
Meng Xuanli was carried by him to the edge of the bed. Her eyes met the yellowish light and shadow, and the tears that had accumulated for a long time began to flow uncontrollably down her cheeks.
Her skin was very white, more like snow than jade. Whether it was midday light or evening light, as long as it lingered on her face, it would melt into the traces of a smile.
However, the tears at this moment froze her face.
The inner room was warm on a summer evening, a stark reflection of Lu Guanque's complexion. He observed her dazed expression from the corner of his eye, his lips moving as a burning sensation scorched his heart.
He knew how hurtful these words were, but facing the future, he could only sacrifice himself to keep her safe. He would push her away step by step, even if she hated him.
Lu Guanque remembered where the medicine for his wound was. The moment he stood up, he heard Meng Xuanli speak softly in the silence: "Lu Guanque, you don't love me anymore, right? No, you stopped loving me after your wounds healed. I was so stupid. I kept deceiving myself, thinking you were in a bad mood or busy with military affairs. I didn't expect that you went out all day because you hated me, hid from me, and avoided me."
"But you know what? I watched you block the arrow for me, and my heart ached. I stayed by your bed, afraid that you wouldn't wake up."
"I even…I even broke myself and made up my mind to be with you while you were unconscious. I gave you my heart, my everything, my pride."
Her voice was hoarse. "What about you? You wrote the divorce papers in advance, you ignored me, and you wanted to marry someone else. You watched me love you, couldn't bear to part with you, and let you play with me like that. Aren't you very proud?"
Lu Guanque had his back to her and couldn't tell from her eyes what she was doing at the moment. However, just from that slow and angry voice, he could understand that his Ali loved him very much.
He has never been a greedy person, but now that he has obtained her love, his heart is as uncomfortable as the sea is turning upside down.
He wanted to turn around, hug her, and tell her, "I love you." But he couldn't. He was already dying, so why should he drag her down with him?
Lu Guanque's throat was blocked and his fingertips were trembling. He went to the dressing table to look for medicine for the wound. The moment he raised his eyes, he met Meng Xuanli's eyes in the mirror who was sitting behind him.
It was like the last scene you saw through the sparkling sea before drowning.
Her black hair hung down, her eyes were bright and round, as if she had been crying, with wet tears on her delicate white cheeks.
Lu Guanque turned back and came forward, squatting on one knee, lowering his brows and speaking in a low voice: "You can think so, but I..."
Meng Xuanli laughed, interrupting his ambiguous words and saying without a doubt: "Lu Guanque, you feel sorry for her? Really?"
Lu Guanque remained calm, scooped up a little white ointment with his fingers, and applied it to the scar on her neck.
He looked solemn and said calmly, "Yes, I feel sorry for her. She did those things because of me, and I want to make it up to her."
The ointment was cold, and Meng Xuanli's fingertips were also cold. She took a breath and retorted, "Then what are you doing now? Who are you pretending to be?"
Seeing her struggle, Lu Guanque held her chin with one hand and gently massaged her with his thumb: "I don't like owing others. Besides, I have always been a hypocritical person."
"I lied to you and hurt you in the past, and... in short, those were all true. It's also true now. As you can see, I don't love you." He deliberately avoided her gaze.
Meng Xuanli was forced to look up, biting his lips, his nasal cavity felt sore and swollen.
She hated his perfunctory attitude, his change of heart, and even more so, how he treated her...
More importantly, she hated herself. Why had she become like this? So compromising? So obsessed with him? So sad and out of control?
Why? Why didn't he have any emotion at all?
After an unknown amount of time, all her hatred and resentment gradually faded away in silence, turning into the Yangtze River, flowing silently eastward. [1]
After Lu Guanque finished applying, he took his hand away from her neck.
Meng Xuanli regained her composure, stared at him, and repeated, "Lu Guanque, are you sure you really don't want me, but her?"
Meng Xuanli once heard a story about a man who, convinced by a treacherous and sinister villain, murdered his wife. Upon learning the truth, the man committed suicide out of guilt, while the villain lived on.
To make sure that it wasn't a mistake or misunderstanding caused by words, she wanted to hear Lu Guanque's final answer.
Lu Guanque's eyes were indifferent, with a hint of disdain. He stood up and admitted frankly, "Yes, I want her."
"Not only do I want to marry her, I also want her to be my only wife. As for you, you have been staying here and refusing to leave. Do you want to be my mistress?" He said in a slightly higher tone.
Meng Xuanli looked up at his tall and straight figure. She had never imagined that Lu Guanque could say such insulting words.
Since this was his answer all the time, she would do as he wished - take the divorce papers and leave Dongdu.
Meng Xuanli took a deep breath, her eyes filled with the ash left after the fire. She slowly stood up, walked in front of Lu Guanque, and suddenly raised her hand.
"Pa——" a slap hit Lu Guanque hard on the face.
The force was so strong that Lu Guanque's face tilted to the side, leaving clear finger marks. He didn't seem surprised at all, and froze in place, not moving or looking at her.
Meng Xuanli bit her lip, stood on tiptoe, grabbed his collar, cleared her throat, and whispered in his ear: "Lu Guanque, listen carefully..."
"It's not that you don't want me, it's that I don't want you. I don't want your feelings or you as a person."
The inner room fell silent, the only sound audible being the sound of each other's breathing. After a moment, Meng Xuanli smiled at him faintly, "Don't worry, Duke. I'll leave tomorrow. I only wish... that we will never meet again, whether in death or in this life."
As soon as she finished speaking, Meng Xuanli let go of his hand and didn't look at him again. She straightened her back and walked towards the brilliant outside with one quick step.
Lu Guanque looked at her back. Even if Meng Xuanli condemned him, accused him, or even beat him or scolded him directly, he felt that this was what he should bear.
But now, Meng Xuanli smiled, without hatred or disgust, but with a pretense of being carefree. He knew that this would only make her suffer more.
Lu Guanque walked into the study. The sun was setting, and his vision suddenly blurred. He almost stumbled when he wasn't paying attention. "Uncle De, I want to ask you a favor."
Uncle De stepped forward to support him, not knowing why he felt so heavy. "Just give your orders, Duke."
"After I die, judging by what Su He did, he should still be keeping an eye on Ali."
"I would like you to go to Lingnan after my funeral and quietly hand over the money and land deeds to her. Also, do not let her know any news from Dongdu."
"When the time comes, you will also live in Lingnan and help me keep an eye on her in secret."
"If she remarries, this will be her dowry. If she doesn't, this... will be the shop and property under her name. As for her future, whatever she chooses to do, you will take care of it."
"Her maid, Fuyao, knows some martial arts. When you are old, tell her about these things and let her continue to take care of Ali."
"Ali liked places with water. In her later years, her ashes were buried in Lingnan. The people of Dongdu and Xuzhou broke her heart. She probably didn't want to come back."
"This..." Uncle De's expression was complicated, "What's this, Duke?"
Lu Guanque nodded: "For so many years, so many things happened because of me, and now there should be a result. In the future, I can't be with her, so you can help me take care of her."
"As long as she is well, I will have no bad things."
Uncle De suddenly knelt down, his voice weeping, "My Lord, I am sorry to offend you. I have watched you grow up since you were a child, and I know you are a man of integrity. But now, why do you obey Su He's words?"
Lu Guanque shook his head, helped him up, and sighed deeply: "It's not that I obey, but I can't afford to lose."
"I can gamble my life, but not hers. Now that she's getting better, and my life is already hanging by a thread, I might as well take advantage of her."
"I've already made all the arrangements for Dongdu. After we send her away tomorrow, we'll proceed as planned."
Lu Guanque turned his back and looked out the window, his eyes deep: "Remember, after you finish my funeral, you must kill Su He. I won't be at peace until he's dead."
Uncle De's face was filled with worry, and he didn't want to agree, but when he thought of Lu Guanque's painstaking efforts, he could only nod helplessly: "Yes, this old servant will definitely see to it, as well as the matter of the madam."
#
Meng Xuanli sat in the garden for a while, waiting until the sky was completely dark before returning to Chengju. She had seen many farewells, but now the silence was strange.
Meng Xuanli didn't call for the maid, but went straight to the wardrobe herself. The clothes hanging inside were all summer clothes he had bought, made of soft materials and elegant colors. She frowned, glanced at them, and then looked away.
Meng Xuanli squatted down and dragged out the box he had brought back from Yanjing from the bottom of the cabinet.
The box contained her few remaining old things and the luggage she had packed later. She took out the clean clothes and dresses from it, folded them, and put them where she could see them.
After a while, she gathered up all the hairpins and rings on the dressing table, along with the banknotes she had saved, and tied them into a bundle.
In just one hour, everything that needed to be packed was packed, and the only thing left was...
Just as he was thinking, he heard footsteps outside the door. Uncle De hesitated and said, "Madam, the Duke asked me to bring you something."
Meng Xuanli didn't stand up, but said calmly, "Come in."
Uncle De walked in with his head bowed, holding the brocade box, and gently placed the box on the table: "The Duke said that the item should be returned to its original owner."
Meng Xuanli's eyes fell on the familiar brocade box. She reached out and opened the lid. Inside was a piece of paper with his handwriting on it and her own name next to it... It was their divorce agreement.
Meng Xuanli picked up the paper and chuckled softly. She didn't tear it apart or question it, but simply folded it and put it in her sleeve.
"Tell him I got it." She said in a low voice.
Uncle De breathed a sigh of relief, nodded in agreement, and turned to leave.
Meng Xuanli supported his chin with his hand, quietly took out the divorce papers, and his eyes fell on them.
When she was little, she was lively and energetic, trying her best to express herself, hoping that others would see her. At that time, she needed love, lots and lots of love.
But she forgot that love is not an eternal existence.
Just like her relationship with Lu Guanque, it is not like the moon that always hangs in the sky. It can hide in the clouds, be reflected on the lake, or even lie in the mud.
The first time she trusted him, he lied to her. Now, after all the hardships and estrangements, she trusted him for the second time, but he actually said he didn't love her anymore.
When she learned all this, she felt hatred and even defined love as an extremely cruel act that makes people crazy and out of control, and makes people have the urge to kill each other.
But then a thought flashed through her mind: if he didn't care, what was the point of her going crazy or losing her composure? It was just a publicity stunt. Instead of this, it would be better to leave, completely forget about him, and live her own life.
Meng Xuanli's eyes were wet and she kept looking at his name, but he didn't want to look at her. The moon quietly hid behind the clouds, and the house was completely plunged into darkness.
Meng Xuanli groped her way onto the bed, facing the corner. After an unknown amount of time, the sound of insects gradually faded away, and she fell asleep in silence.
In her dream, Lu Guanque leaned on her shoulder. She retreated backward, and he nuzzled her, cornering her. Just as she was about to push him away, Lu Guanque's kiss descended upon her. With his lips sucked and his grip on her body, Meng Xuanli felt a sudden sense of emptiness.
Wandering leisurely, it felt like strolling through a garden. It seemed... to fit the saying "A Dream in the Garden" perfectly.
When she woke up the next day, Meng Xuanli sat up straight, rubbed her forehead, and looked at the armchair. She felt an indescribable strangeness in her heart. But this feeling only lasted a few seconds before she put it out of her mind.
#
On this day, she was wearing a light green silk dress, without any makeup, her hair was tied up with a hairpin, and her whole body seemed to have said goodbye to her former self.
There was no one else in the courtyard except her and Fuyao. It seemed someone had given them special instructions. Meng Xuanli walked all the way to the gate of the mansion, and just as she was about to leave, a figure blocked her way.
She was stunned for a moment and looked up at him.
Lu Guanque was tall and straight, with a pale face and dark circles under his eyes. He held a box and stood there, staring at her quietly.
Meng Xuanli remained calm, his eyes swept over him calmly: "Get out of the way."
Lu Guanque didn't move. He handed the brocade box to her and whispered, "This is yours."
Meng Xuanli bit the inside of her lip, glanced at it, and reached out to take it. She blinked her eyelashes and smiled, "So, now, can you get out of here?"
Lu Guanque was just about to wish him a safe journey, but he saw Meng Xuanli walk out without waiting for a reply, leaving only a wisp of her fragrance.
Lu Guanque was stunned and turned around hurriedly, watching her gradually disappearing figure.
She didn't look back once, and seemed to hate him. She would probably forget him in the future. He should be happy, but his heart was in great pain.
Lu Guanque stood there with a lump in his throat. He remained frozen there, motionless, until the carriage disappeared at the end of the long street.
The guards in the courtyard stood far away, not daring to utter a word. The entire Pu Garden fell into an eerie silence.
Finally, Lu Guanque slowly turned around and walked heavily into the dark room. There were no windows here, and the light was dim. Only a ray of light came in through the crack of the door, barely illuminating the dust in the air.
Lu Guanque closed the door with his backhand, walked to the chair, sat down gloomily, bent his back slightly, lowered his head, and buried his face deeply in his palms.
His shoulders trembled slightly, he remained silent, and his whole body exuded an aura of suppressed grief.
Tears oozed out silently, one drop, two drops, like candle wax on the table, exhausting its own life.
Lu Guanque rarely experienced separation, and even when his mother passed away, he only learned about it later.
His mind was filled with the image of her departing figure, and he thought of the line: “I weep bitterly and gaze into the distance, seeing the deep mountains of Cangwu. When the Cangwu mountains collapse and the Xiang River dries up, only then can the tears on the bamboos be wiped away.”[2]
He used an extremely cruel method to cut off her thoughts, but, but...
He still can't let go.
#
At the end of June, Su He was enjoying a cup of tea in the Puyuan study. Seeing Lu Guanque coming, he put down his teacup and smiled: "It seems that the Duke has kept his promise."
After saying that, he stood up and began to look at Lu Guanque with a sharp gaze: "It's just that this person has been sent away, why don't you have any reaction at all?"
"Don't you have deep feelings for her? In order to make her give up, you even asked for an imperial decree, and even put on such a clichéd show?"
Lu Guanque ignored his sarcasm, walked to the main seat and sat down, looking at him expressionlessly: "I have done what you asked me to do."
"Well done." Su He clapped his hands, "It's ruthless and straightforward."
"I guess she hates you to the core now, right?" He changed the subject, his eyes suddenly cold, "Then it's your turn next."
Lu Guanque supported his chin with his hand, his expression unchanged, as if he had not heard anything.
Su He snorted softly and said without question, "In three days, I want to hear that you, Lu Guanque, have died suddenly from your injuries."
"If not, you should know the consequences. I will hunt her down, bring her back, and threaten you with her life. By then, it won't just be your death."
Lu Guanque had expected this, he looked up at him and said in a low voice: "I know."
His reaction was too calm, which made Su He frown: "Don't you have anything to say?"
"Death? It no longer poses a threat to me." Lu Guanque thought of her back and said indifferently, "As long as she is safe, nothing else matters."
Su He looked at his soft and empty eyes, and the pride on his face gradually froze.
He had vowed to break Lu Guanque's back, but now he found that he had destroyed everything that Lu Guanque cherished, but did not see the expected pain and pleading from Lu Guanque.
Why is Lu Guanque not afraid of death?
Su He stood up suddenly, his face gloomy, and said darkly: "Okay. When the time comes, I will dig up the grave myself. After I see your remains, I will let her go completely."
"...I'm waiting for your good news, Duke."
After saying that, Su He turned away, feeling unsatisfied and angry.
Lu Guanque sat alone in his study, the June jasmine exuding a subtle fragrance. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It seemed that only by plunging into darkness could he stop thinking about her.
In the hot summer, Zheng Wanruo wore a rouge snow-white gauze dress and pearl earrings, hiding in the bamboo forest in the study.
After listening to a play, she had a complicated expression on her face. She slowly squatted down, covered her eyes, and shed tears quietly.
-----------------------
The author has something to say: [References]
[1] Quoted from Liu Yong’s “Eight Sounds of Ganzhou: The Dusk Rain Sprinkles the River and Sky”
[2] Quoted from Li Bai’s “Far Away”
Continue read on readnovelmtl.com
