Chapter Forty
A silent understanding was reached in the courtyard. Su Xuan still kept herself locked in her room, only coming downstairs at mealtimes. Lin Zhiyuan would cook her favorite omelets or pasta, and would grill steak for her, but she ate much less than before.
Su Xian's condition didn't seem to be much better; she still woke up in fright from her dreams and remained awake until dawn. If her previous dreams were due to her longing for Lin Zhiyuan, why would he still enter her dreams now, even though he was only a wall away?
Another late night, Su Xian was awakened by thunder. She drew back the curtains and looked at the dense rain pouring down from the sky, the glass window beneath her fingertips soaked with the winter chill. She hadn't had a drink for several days, and the craving for alcohol burned like a raging fire within her, reaching its peak at this moment.
Su Xian gently opened the door and walked barefoot down the stairs. The lights on the first floor weren't on as usual, but Su Xian didn't feel empty. She seemed to have quickly gotten used to his presence in the house, or perhaps what she wasn't used to was life without him.
Su Xian fumbled for a spotlight above the bar in the dark and used the light to find a bottle of Shaoxing wine that she had opened a few days ago in the liquor cabinet. She unscrewed the cap and took a big gulp.
Strangely, the wine she drank did not extinguish the fire in her heart; on the contrary, it burned even brighter. After drinking more than half a bottle, Su Xian still felt it wasn't enough, so she grabbed a new bottle and sat down at the bar.
The old bottle was soon empty, and she casually placed it on the bar, intending to open a new one. Perhaps because she hadn't drunk alcohol for several days, she felt particularly tipsy tonight, and couldn't even unscrew the bottle cap.
Perhaps because she couldn't exert any strength while sitting, she wanted to stand up and try again, but accidentally bumped into the empty wine bottle. She quickly reached out and steadied it.
That was close.
Su Xian stood up groggily, the sound of glass falling to the ground echoing beneath her feet. Large and small shards of glass were scattered on the floor, and the wine spilled out, its strong aroma wafting through the air. She staggered to the kitchen, grabbed a rag, knelt down, and slowly reached out to wipe the floor.
The living room chandelier suddenly turned on, and Su Xian subconsciously looked up, the light so bright she squinted. Lin Zhiyuan silently squatted down, took the rag from her hand, carefully wrapped up the glass shards on the floor and put them in the trash can, then wiped away the wine stains bit by bit.
"Is this wine really that good? Why not drink Qingyue?"
Didn't I ask this question a few days ago? Was he drunk too?
Su Xian remained motionless, watching his every move in a daze. As the last drop of wine was wiped away, she heard him ask, "Why don't you quit drinking?"
The reddish-brown wood grain resembled ripples on a lake, and Su Xian stared at it in a daze.
"If you continue like this, you'll ruin yourself."
"You've come this far with so much effort, what about your career?"
"I've earned enough money to live on," Su Xuan said nonchalantly.
"What about your fans? What about Bai Lin, Qing Qing, and Zhi Ran? Can you bear to let them see you like this?"
Who would want to see her so haggard and disheveled? But he saw her in this state.
"Then I'll go far away so they won't see me." Su Xian lowered her head, trying to hide herself.
"That's not how it is. The Su Xian I know isn't like that." Lin Zhiyuan said urgently. "The Su Xian I know is full of vitality and will do everything she can to break through and pursue her goals."
Su Xian shook her head and murmured, "That's not me, that's not me."
Lin Zhiyuan's voice continued to reach Su Xian's ears, "The woman I know won't give up hope easily. She's strong and brave..."
"That's not me!" Su Xian raised her head and shouted, "What you see now is the real me!"
"I'm always afraid of not doing well, so I work really hard! All that strength and courage is fake! I'm afraid of the dark, afraid of pain, afraid of getting hurt."
Those painful memories she had never told anyone before seemed to have found an outlet.
Her vision blurred. "I dare not face the difficulties ahead. I am afraid that I will not be a good wife. I am afraid that you will despise me and abandon me. So I abandoned you first like a coward."
"I don't want to quit drinking, I don't want to get better, because I'm afraid that once I get better, I'll never see you again." Su Xuan's tears welled up.
"I don't drink Qingyue not because I'm afraid of the trouble, but because I can't bear to part with it!"
"I'm always afraid of this and that, but now I realize that what I'm most afraid of is losing you."
Tears streamed down her face as Lin Zhiyuan hugged her tightly. "I'm sorry, I was too hasty."
Su Xian cried uncontrollably in his warm and strong embrace, as if she wanted to cry out all her heartache and sorrow.
"I was too hasty." Lin Zhiyuan hugged her tightly, gently patting her back with one hand. He patiently comforted her until she had finished crying.
"Do you know?" Lin Zhiyuan's gentle voice came from above her head, "None of us are islands. We depend on others, whether they are friends, family, or lovers."
"It is these connections that make us stronger and enable us to go further."
The warmth of his embrace seeped through Su Xuan's thin pajamas and onto her skin. "Pain is only temporary, but love is eternal."
Su Xian cried until she was exhausted, then closed her eyes and leaned against Lin Zhiyuan's chest, quietly listening to his heartbeat, her breathing becoming calmer.
Lin Zhiyuan picked her up and carried her up the stairs to the bed. Su Xian closed her eyes and heard the sound of water coming from the bathroom. She felt a warm, wet touch on her face as he gently and restrainedly wiped her face with a towel, from her forehead to her eyes, cheeks, and chin.
Lin Zhiyuan helped her cover herself with the blanket and left the room.
Su Xian opened her eyes. As she cried, she began to sober up and regretted her outburst. How could it be appropriate for people who had already broken up to cling to each other like this?
But she craved his warmth and didn't know how to let go of him casually, so she closed her eyes and pretended to be asleep.
She was alone in the bedroom again, her mind replaying Lin Zhiyuan's words. From childhood to adulthood, she had always pretended to be strong, unconcerned about her mother's neglect, her teachers' pitying glances, and the hurt her father had inflicted upon her.
She uses a hard shell to protect her fragile heart. Because she has no relatives, she keeps her friends and lovers outside the shell. If anyone might hurt her, she will decisively sever the connection between them.
But Lin Zhiyuan was an exception; he truly entered her heart, and this was the deepest connection she ever had in her life.
But as Lin Zhiyuan said, the pain will eventually pass, and the love she received is eternal. During the time they were apart, no matter how heartbroken she was, she could only think of the happy times they had spent together.
Subtly, he taught her how to trust and how to love.
Su Xuan was wide awake, but unlike her previous fear and anxiety, she knew that he had broken through the shell in her heart, and the wound was healing.
Light began to filter through the curtains. Su Xian stepped out of the bedroom and glanced at Lin Zhiyuan's closed door. She went downstairs to the kitchen, opened the refrigerator, and saw that every glass shelf was filled with groceries. He seemed prepared to stay for a long time, and Su Xian couldn't help but smile.
There was a packet of pickled vegetables next to the refrigerator door, the kind she liked, and he still remembered it.
Su Xian took out half a chicken that had been processed from the refrigerator and put it in a stew pot. While the soup was simmering, she carefully wiped down the kitchen countertops and cabinets. While Lin Zhiyuan could manage cooking, cleaning was not his forte.
After a night of rain, the rising sun was exceptionally bright, and warm sunlight streamed into the kitchen through the glass window.
Just as Su Xian heard Lin Zhiyuan coming downstairs, she had just boiled a pot of water and grabbed a handful of noodles to put in. Lin Zhiyuan leaned against the kitchen door, blocking some of the sunlight and casting his shadow on the ground.
Su Xian knew he was watching her, but she continued doing her own thing with peace of mind.
While waiting for the noodles to cook, she ladled out two bowls of chicken soup and added some chicken. She turned off the heat, put the noodles into the bowls, blanched some lettuce, and finally added the fried egg.
Lin Zhiyuan took a tray from the storage cabinet, washed two pairs of chopsticks, and placed two bowls of noodles on the tray, exactly the same as when he helped her at the hillside mansion. Su Xian's lips curled up as she met Lin Zhiyuan's smiling gaze.
The aroma of chicken soup filled the entire house. Su Xian and Lin Zhiyuan sat facing each other at the dining table, quietly eating their noodles. His black hair was a little messy from sleeping; Su Xian used to say that he looked like a little dazed when he first woke up.
Su Xian smiled, realizing that happiness is actually very simple.
She put down her chopsticks and watched Lin Zhiyuan slowly finish the last sip of soup.
Su Xuan looked at him earnestly and said, "Thank you."
Lin Zhiyuan looked at her and smiled.
"But I need someone next."
Lin Zhiyuan raised his eyebrows. After looking at her carefully for a while, the surprise in his eyes was replaced by relief.
"I think it's time for me to leave."
"I will find time to retrieve the clothes I left halfway up the mountain."
"at any time."
Lin Zhiyuan went upstairs, and Su Xian stayed in the kitchen alone. She washed the dishes and put the remaining chicken soup in the refrigerator. She took a rag and carefully wiped the countertop, which was already very clean, but she kept wiping the same spot.
She heard Lin Zhiyuan walk downstairs, pause at the door for a few seconds, then close the door and leave. Su Xian breathed a sigh of relief. After last night, she still didn't know how to get along with Lin Zhiyuan, but he clearly understood her.
Su Xian took off her apron, went upstairs, and entered Lin Zhiyuan's bedroom. The room was clean and tidy. If it weren't for the mess on the bed, there would be no indication that anyone had lived there.
Su Xian lay on the bed, hugging the blanket, letting go of all her fatigue, and closed her eyes.
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