Chapter Thirty-Eight
Another gust of cold air swept through the port city, howling as if trying to overturn the roads it passed through. The trees rustled and shook, shedding a carpet of withered yellow leaves. In front of the prefab houses under the overpass, Amei, wearing only a thin plaid shirt, huddled up. The social worker had just informed them that they could receive compensation.
“What about an apology?” Amei asked. The social worker remained silent. “Then I don’t want compensation.”
No one spoke while sitting at the wooden table. The social worker noticed the awkward atmosphere and suggested they discuss it and come back another day.
Ah Mei sat on a stool, drinking from the bottle one sip at a time. Qianzai snatched the bottle from her and smashed it on the ground. He stood up, pointed at Ah Mei, and yelled, "Have you gone mad from drinking? You used to only get a few hundred dollars for each time you performed, but now I'm giving you two thousand dollars, and you don't even have to take your clothes off..."
Amei sat there motionless.
"Clap clap clap!" Director Wen rushed over, he hadn't been this emotional lately. "Su Xian, what are you spacing out for? Where are your lines?"
"He's right. I'm a prostitute. Isn't it good to have money?"
"What Amei wants is justice. Can money buy back the photos of Amei's children? Can it buy her justice?"
“You should scold him.” Director Wen pointed at Qianzai, then at the others one by one. “Tell this group that what you want is an apology.”
She glanced around expressionlessly, then scoffed dismissively, "Do they even understand?"
The other four people at the table looked at each other. Director Wen was speechless at Su Xian's question. After a moment, he said in a calm tone, "From beginning to end, the motivation that prompted Amei to appeal to the social worker was to apologize. This is her insistence. She is still trying to pull her companions forward. She has not been abandoned by them or by justice. It is not the end for her yet."
After Wen Yuanfei finished speaking, he walked back. The prop master tidied up the ground and placed a new wine bottle on the table. Su Xian picked up the wine bottle and put it in her mouth. She could vaguely hear the sound of a clapperboard, and Qianzai's mouth opened and closed.
Two thousand yuan is a huge sum of money for a homeless person. Doesn't she want it? An apology is only worth a few yuan.
The glass bottle in her hand was thrown to the ground again. Amei sat slumped down, staring at the broken glass on the ground, without saying a word.
"Kakaka".
Chen Lan sent her assistant to run an errand, "Go tell Director Wen that I have an upset stomach and need to go to the restroom."
"Let's take a break first, and the props department should get everything ready."
Wen Yuanfei's weary voice came through the loudspeaker, the red plastic stool made an unpleasant scraping sound, and only Amei was in front of the dilapidated wooden table.
If she knew that she would eventually be abandoned by justice and cast aside by her companions, would she still have persisted? A woman who sells her body, singing, laughing, and acting in the pleasure quarters, has never known what true feelings are, but she has given all her true feelings to the child who left before he was even a year old.
Her entire life was spent being looked down upon, and her pursuit of an apology was probably her only and final act of defiance against this world. So what if she was born alone? At least now she has people around her, and she still has the will to live. Now is certainly not the time for her to end.
Su Xian picked up the newly placed glass bottle on the table and put it in her mouth. The prop wine made with black tea was really hard to drink.
She put the bottle back on the table and turned to look for Qingqing. Bai Lin had been very worried about her lately, so she and Qingqing took turns watching over her. Su Xian accepted this without saying a word, but insisted that they go home that night.
The nights were unbearable. Sometimes she could sleep lightly under the influence of alcohol, but most of the time she either lay there blankly, lost in thought, or wandered around the house like an empty shell. She couldn't even remember how she got from the bed to the living room or when she fell asleep.
Su Xian didn't want anyone to see her like this.
She beckoned Qingqing over, "Go tell Director Wen to replace the contents of this bottle with real liquor."
"Sister Xiaoxian, could you please drink less? You're still filming." Qingqing looked anxious. She and Bailin both knew that Su Xian had started drinking heavily, but they couldn't stop her at all.
"Go and talk to him, he'll agree."
Su Xian lay on the wooden table and closed her eyes. She didn't know how much longer she could endure these unbearable days.
The wooden table made a dull thud. Su Xian looked up in confusion and saw a glass bottle filled with amber liquid, looking no different from before. Su Xian reached out, picked up the bottle, and took a sip. It was surprisingly sweet, with a subtle fragrance.
Although she had been drinking every day recently, she had never really tasted it properly. This wine tasted good, so she took a couple more sips.
"There's only this one bottle. I won't be able to take any more pictures after I finish it."
Su Xian paused, her hand holding the wine bottle still. A middle-aged man was tidying up the table and setting out the tableware.
"Uncle Li, is this wine yours?"
The prop master, known as Uncle Li, deftly set out the chopsticks. "Yes, it tastes good, doesn't it? I've been drinking it for decades."
Su Xian nodded.
Uncle Li flicked the rag, quite proudly, "This is Shaoxing wine from my hometown, no worse than those foreign liquors. But this wine is easy to drink, but it's also easy to get drunk, so don't drink it too fast."
Su Xian thanked them softly, put down the wine bottle, and waited for the others to come and sit down.
"Ready, 3, 2, 1." The beater fell again.
Ah Mei started drinking. The social worker finished her lines and left, leaving an awkward silence at the table. The bottle fell to the ground again. Ah Mei looked at her empty hands, and Qianzai's shout echoed in her ears, "I'll give you two thousand dollars right now, you don't even need to take your clothes off..."
With a "smack," Ah Mei's hand landed on Qian Zai's face, and everyone else looked up.
"I don't want anything but an apology." Ah Mei's usually listless eyes were staring sharply at Qian Zai.
"Cut." Director Wen's voice was full of satisfaction. "That slap was well done."
The scene was finally over. Hearing Director Wen's praise for the first time, Su Xian felt nothing. Her hands hung limply at her sides, trembling uncontrollably. Qingqing noticed something was wrong, pulled her aside to sit down, and draped a coat over her shoulders.
Whether it was because she was too thin or her body was a little overworked, Su Xian was much more afraid of the cold than in previous years since the temperature started to drop. These past few days, she was on her period and was even weaker. Qingqing put a cup of hot brown sugar water in her hand.
Su Xian quietly watched the busy people on set. Amei's simple prefab house had a large section that was damaged. The yellowed white short-sleeved shirt covered the original damage, making it stand out from the other prefab houses, just like Amei herself.
The day Zhang Zhiran visited the set happened to be Su Xian's birthday, and the entire filming crew was waiting for the sunset light at the beach. Su Xian sat alone on the other side of the road. It was windy at the beach, and Qingqing draped a jacket over Su Xian's shoulders. She leaned back in her chair with her eyes closed, and it was unclear whether she was asleep or not.
"Why do you look so pale? You weren't like this last time." Zhang Zhiran spoke very softly, afraid of waking Su Xian.
Qingqing said unhappily, "Because the whole group is isolating Sister Xiaoxian."
"Why? Doesn't Director Wen care?"
"It was Director Wen who led the charge, saying it was to hone their skills!" Qingqing said indignantly, "Originally, since Xiaoxian and Lin..."
Qingqing suddenly stopped talking, paused for a moment, and then said, "Lin and I are both very worried."
Su Xian rubbed her face and looked at Zhang Zhiran, "Sit down for a while." Qingqing gave up her chair and walked to the side.
"This method is outrageous! Why didn't you tell me?"
“For him, the work is the most important thing. Director Wen is domineering. Even if you tell him, you can’t change anything.” Su Xian smirked. “It’s okay, we’ll be finishing filming soon.”
“But you look really bad. You weren’t talkative before, but you weren’t like this.” Zhang Zhiran pressed her arm, her eyes reddening. “Yuan-ge was so mean to you…”
"I'm just tired. I'll be fine after I finish filming and rest." Su Xuan pulled her hand away. Just like every time Bai Lin tried to comfort her, she changed the subject and avoided the topic whenever Lin Zhiyuan was mentioned.
The unspoken pain, buried deep in her heart, took root and sprouted, bearing the fruit of longing, infecting her blood. It flowed through every corner of her body, with no outlet, so heavy that it was hard to breathe, so it flowed back to her heart, frantically screaming to tear her heart to pieces.
Su Xuan put her coat on the chair and followed the staff to the beach.
After being driven away, Ah Mei and her five friends finally discovered this treasure trove under the overpass. They stole scrap materials from all over and built a makeshift house. The afternoon sun gilded the sea with a golden glow. Ah Mei, Sister Xia, and Uncle Deng sat on the shore watching Qianzai and Xiao Zhong play and splash water everywhere. Everyone's face was filled with longing for their new life.
Sister Xia and Uncle Deng chatted idly, but Amei didn't pay attention to what they were saying or notice that they had stood up. She was just looking at the sea in the distance.
The sunset today was so beautiful; the clouds were dyed red where the sea met the sky. Unfortunately, the sea in the port city wasn't the azure blue of the South of France, which greatly diminished its beauty. The fiery sun was disappearing into the sea, and the sky in the port city wasn't as clear as in Tahiti, where she had seen the most beautiful sunset.
However, Su Xian only saw half of it at the time. During the other half of the time, when the sun was setting, she only remembered that long kiss and the words "I love you" he said when the last ray of sunlight disappeared.
The trip to the South of France was last spring, and the trip to Tahiti was last summer. It's only been a little over a year, but those sweet times feel like they happened in a past life.
Su Xian closed her eyes and began to hum a song.
I am devoted to you with all my heart.
Please cherish this feeling.
Never confided a secret to anyone
For the first time in my life, I poured out my heart.
Su Xian sang each lyric in her heart, humming softly from her mouth and nose, a smile playing on her lips. Thinking of Lin Zhiyuan, and the song he played when he proposed, she smiled; it must have been the first time he had ever said "Marry me."
I hope you will agree to provide me with proof.
At this moment, my heartstrings resonate.
Then reveal your feelings to others.
Use that gold ring as proof.
Tell me you finally accepted
From now on, please use my surname.
It would feel a little strange if her name became Lin Suxian. Suxian continued humming the song, her smile deepening.
Say "I DO I DO" to me
Willing to make me happy for a lifetime
If she had picked up the ring and put it on her finger then, if she had said "I do," he would have been very happy, and she herself would have been happy too.
Su Xian felt as if her heart had been ripped out, her humming abruptly stopped, and the smile on her face froze. She had anticipated that filming "Qing Zhuo" would be extremely difficult, so she had told him long ago that he should spend more time with her. He smiled and agreed, promising to do his best to pick her up from work every day.
Su Xian suppressed her heartache, her breathing unsteady.
I've given you my utmost sincerity; please cherish this love.
Then, at the end of your life, you will bear witness to that true and devoted love.
I never knew losing you would be this hard. Didn't you promise to spend more time with me? Why did you leave me all alone?
Then, at the end of your life, you will bear witness to that true and devoted love.
A tear rolled down her cheek, lingered briefly on her chin, and then fell.
True and unwavering love, a lifetime of happiness.
I abandoned him; how could I, without courage, possibly win the favor of true love?
Su Xian buried her head in her knees, her body trembling slightly.
Originally, the cameraman was about to turn off the camera as Ou Demin and Chen Lan stood up, but after seeing Director Wen's gesture, he turned the camera back to Su Xuan's back.
The slender figure on the vast beach was incredibly lonely. The humming that was heard at first was cheerful, but when it stopped abruptly and then started again, it was filled with boundless sorrow. The repeated chanting of a single line was intermittent, and the sound grew fainter and fainter until only the sound of the waves could be heard.
The solitary figure sat like a lifeless reef. Wen Yuanfei stared at the monitor for a long time before letting out a sigh.
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