Chapter Thirty-Nine
The last scene filmed for "Clear and Turbid" is the ending of the story: In the dead of night with the north wind howling, due to the demolition plan, the area under the overpass is cordoned off, and everyone else has already moved out. Ah Mei secretly sneaks back to the only wooden house.
Drunk, she took out a few sleeping pills wrapped in paper from her pocket and swallowed them, then finished the wine on the table. She held the child's photo to her chest and pushed over the candles on the table.
Old newspapers, blown by the wind, covered the faint candlelight, and the flames spread from the rags to the tabletop, and finally to the wooden planks, growing stronger and hotter until the entire cabin was submerged in the firelight.
Su Xian stood very close, watching the burning wooden house, watching the camera close, the firefighters go up to put out the fire, and watching the wooden house turn into ruins.
Ah Mei found liberation in her own way, but what about her? How can she find liberation?
On the way home, Su Xian leaned back lazily in her seat. "Sister Lin, do you know any doctors who can prescribe sleeping pills for me? Real sleeping pills."
It seemed particularly cold today; the car's air conditioning hadn't warmed up yet, so she had to pull her gray cashmere coat tighter around her.
"You haven't given up drinking yet, Xiaoxian." Bai Lin's voice sounded a little trembling.
Su Xian didn't answer, remaining silent the whole way. When they were almost at the courtyard, Qingqing turned around from the front row, her eyes darting around, "Sister Xiao Xian, I... um, my air conditioner is broken, could I stay here for the night?"
"Then go to Sister Lin's house." Su Xian looked at Bai Lin and forced a smile. "Don't worry, I'll be fine after a rest."
Su Xian got out of the car and went home, heading straight to the wine cabinet. She opened a new bottle and drank straight from the bottle. Ever since Uncle Li gave her that bottle of Shaoxing wine, she had been drinking it regularly, enjoying its sweet and fragrant flavor.
After taking a few big gulps, Su Xian leaned back on the sofa, drinking and spacing out.
It's really cold today. Even though the doors and windows are closed, Su Xian still feels like there's a draft in the house, and the chill runs right to her bones.
The air conditioner should be on, right? Su Xian was too lazy to get up and check, so she lowered her head to button up her coat and put her hands in her pockets to warm them.
Inside the soft cashmere fabric, there was a thin, hard object, like a piece of cardboard. Su Xian pulled it out of her pocket with her right hand; it turned out to be a piece of white photographic paper. Her still somewhat confused mind was searching for memories associated with this photographic paper, and her hand had already flipped it over to the other side.
A small figure dressed in a polo uniform suddenly appeared. Eleven or twelve-year-old Lin Zhiyuan looked radiant as he gazed at her through the distant past.
Su Xian's heart suddenly felt constricted, the pain causing her to furrow her brows. The photo slipped from her trembling fingers, the radiant smile of the person in the photo sinking into the gray sofa.
A wave of nausea washed over Su Xian. She covered her mouth and rushed into the bathroom, clutching the toilet bowl. Food residue mixed with alcohol tasted sour and bitter. Her body reacted violently, wave after wave, as if trying to rip out her internal organs.
Su Xian struggled to flush the toilet, turned on the tap, splashed cold water on her mouth, and wiped away the tears welling in her eyes. After doing this, she felt even colder and weaker.
Su Xian knelt on all fours, the cold floor stinging her palms. Trembling, she crawled out little by little. Exhausted, her arms could no longer support her, and the world spun before her eyes. Su Xian collapsed to the ground and closed her eyes.
In a daze, Su Xian seemed to hear someone call her name, and a soft, cool hand touched her forehead. She tried to open her eyes and saw several figures in front of her. She tried to see them clearly, but her eyelids were too heavy to obey her commands.
In many dreams, she stood in the wooden house being scrutinized by Wen Yuanfei, while Ou Demin and the others watched coldly; then she became very small, watching her parents argue, hiding to the side and silently shedding tears; suddenly she grew up again, and Lin Zhiyuan and she walked on the beach, they snuggled in front of the fireplace, and kissed on the sofa in the hillside mansion.
He said he was going back to France for a few days and asked her to wait for him at home, but she waited for many days and the hillside mansion was still empty. When Lin Zhiyuan did not return, she had no choice but to look for him everywhere. She searched and searched until it was dark, and she fell asleep from exhaustion. When she woke up, Lin Zhiyuan was already sitting by the bed.
"Didn't you say you'd be back in a few days? Why is it taking so long?"
Lin Zhiyuan looked at her quietly without saying a word.
Su Xian was now unhappy. "Why aren't you saying anything? If anyone's angry, it's me. I waited for you halfway up the mountain for many days, then went to the manor to find you, and even went to Tahiti. I'm so tired. If I had known you would come back so soon, I would have stayed at home and not gone anywhere."
Lin Zhiyuan finally spoke, "Then wait for me at home from now on."
Su Xian didn't seem to mind his slightly stiff tone and said happily, "Are you tired? Come and go to sleep." She tugged at his sleeve, "Why are you still wearing a suit? Aren't you going to change into your pajamas?"
"I just got back and haven't changed yet, so I came to see you first."
Su Xian smiled; she was still very important, wasn't she?
"Then come here and let me hug you for a while, I miss you so much."
Lin Zhiyuan didn't move.
Why is he acting so strangely today? He's not talking much, not smiling much, and not even coming over to hug her.
Su Xuan pouted and stared at him with dissatisfaction.
Lin Zhiyuan sighed softly and moved a little closer, but she still couldn't reach him. Su Xian had no choice but to lean closer, take his hand and rub it against her face, her small hands enveloping his large palm.
"Have I ever told you that you smell wonderful and that I love it?"
With a satisfied smile on her lips, Su Xian closed her eyes and fell into a deep sleep.
She slept very well that night and didn't have a single dream, something she hadn't done in a long time.
The bedroom was illuminated by sunlight streaming through the curtains. Su Xian opened her eyes, pulled her hands out of the covers, and smelled them under her nose. His scent in her dream was so real, as if it still lingered in her hands.
Su Xian sat up, feeling dizzy again. Her limbs were weak, making even simple washing up difficult. She opened the bedroom door, held onto the railing, and slowly walked down the stairs, smelling the aroma of rice.
A clay pot sat on the walnut wood dining table; Su Xian glanced at it and saw it contained white rice porridge. There was the clinking of bowls and chopsticks in the kitchen. She pulled out a chair and sat down. "Qingqing, get me a packet of pickled vegetables." Su Xian coughed lightly, her voice a little hoarse.
There was no response from the kitchen, only the sound of footsteps, which didn't sound like Qingqing's footsteps. Su Xian looked up and saw Lin Zhiyuan, dressed in pajamas, walking out with a bowl and spoon in his hand.
Her heart skipped a beat.
"We're out of pickled mustard greens." Lin Zhiyuan said as he ladled a bowl of porridge from the pot and pushed it in front of Su Xuan. "If you want some, I'll have someone buy some this afternoon."
His voice was still the same gentle one she knew.
Su Xuan stared expressionlessly at the bowl of congee in front of her. "Why are you here?"
"You have a fever. Bai Lin was worried and asked me to come and check on you."
Su Xian stirred the porridge in her bowl haphazardly with her spoon. She really wanted to ask him if he had come to her room last night, and if she had really held his hand. If she had, she should ask him not to misunderstand.
Su Xian raised her eyes slightly. Lin Zhiyuan slowly blew on the porridge in his bowl with a spoon, and suddenly lost interest in asking these questions. After all, they had no relationship anymore.
The porridge had gone cold. She picked up the bowl and swallowed it whole, the bowl falling to the table with a dull thud.
Lin Zhiyuan looked up at her, but Su Xian didn't look at him.
"Now that you've seen it, you can leave."
Su Xian threw down these cold words, stood up and walked up the stairs. The door slammed shut, separating her from him.
The phone on the table was connected to the charger, with countless unread messages. Su Xuan ignored all of them and dialed Bai Lin's number directly.
"Sister Lin, why did you call him here?"
"Xiao Xuan, has your fever subsided today?"
Su Xian glanced at the thermometer on the bedside table, which she hadn't used since getting up. "Why did you call him? I just have a fever."
"Do you know you've had a fever for days! I even had a doctor come to your house and give you a fever-reducing injection, but you still weren't getting better. Do you know how scared I was when I came to see you collapsed on the ground that day?"
Bai Lin choked up a little, and Su Xian also fell silent. She didn't know her condition was so serious.
"I really regret letting you film 'Qing Zhuo'; it ruined your health."
She was sick, but it wasn't just a fever, and the cause of her illness wasn't solely due to "Qing Zhuo".
Su Xian hung up the phone and lay on the bed, still thinking about Bai Lin's last words: "Xiao Xian, if you and Mr. Lin have any misunderstandings, you can talk them out. There will always be bumps in the road when two people are together, so don't keep things to yourself."
She couldn't explain to Bai Lin that what happened between him and Lin Zhiyuan wasn't a misunderstanding.
In her view, marriage is like looking at a monster, which attracts every couple with its beautiful and eternal appearance, devours the love that enters it, and tests human nature.
Those it released were covered in wounds, while those it left behind were numb and bruised, their bodies bearing countless scars. Lin Zhiyuan could drag her to the monster, but she simply didn't have the courage to go in.
When she saw Lin Zhiyuan just now, he seemed unchanged. Even though she was the one who broke his heart, why was she the one in more pain? She didn't know how to face him, but she didn't want to show weakness in front of him. She just wanted to coldly drive him away.
Su Xian was in a state of utter confusion. Her body had only just begun to recover, and she was still exhausted and weak. She lay lazily on the bed, not wanting to move at all.
As darkness fell, Su Xian, who had been huddled in bed wrapped in a blanket for most of the day, decided to get up and find something to eat.
She opened the door and heard Lin Zhiyuan's voice coming from downstairs. She listened carefully for a while and realized they were talking about work, probably having a conference call. The door to the room next to hers was open, and a black suitcase was on the floor. Su Xian glanced at it and turned to go downstairs.
How long does he plan to stay here? It's almost the end of the year; he must be very busy. Passing through the living room, Su Xian kept her head down to avoid looking at him and went straight into the kitchen.
The casserole was placed on the stove. Su Xian opened the lid and added some shrimp and diced bok choy to the leftover white porridge from lunch. She remembered that he could only cook Western food. Back at the hillside mansion, he could only make sandwiches, steaks, lobsters, and the like. Today's porridge was probably his limit.
Su Xian bent down to open the dishwasher and took out a bowl. Just as she was about to grab a spoon, another hand snatched it away first.
That hand was large and strong, with long, slender fingers like bamboo joints. It had lingered on her body countless times. She had held it and kissed it many times, and even last night she had held it. But she didn't dare to look up at the owner of that hand.
"Go sit down, I'll help you."
Su Xian obediently sat down at the dining table. Along with the porridge, a glass of hot milk was brought over. She ate slowly with her head down, but she was just eating; what she ate was not important to her.
Lin Zhiyuan's fingers flew across the keyboard. Perhaps knowing that she didn't want to talk, he chose to keep his distance.
Just as she was simply doing what she was supposed to do when she ate, so was he.
After finishing her porridge and milk, Su Xian habitually walked to the wine cabinet, took out a bottle of Shaoxing wine, and tried to twist it several times without success because she was too weak.
"Let me do it." Lin Zhiyuan took the bottle from her hand and twisted it open with a little force.
He took out her mug and poured more than half a glass into it. "After you finish this glass, will you quit?"
Su Xian didn't say a word and reached out to grab the cup, but Lin Zhiyuan pushed the cup away a little.
Su Xian looked up at him, and those gentle eyes were exactly the same as before, reflecting only her. A wave of heartache welled up in her eyes, and Su Xian hurriedly shifted her gaze to the wine glass, her long eyelashes fluttering.
"good."
Lin Zhiyuan pushed the wine glass towards Su Xuan, "You've basically finished all the wine in your wine cabinet, but... Qingyue hasn't touched a single bottle. Why?"
Su Xian gripped the wine glass tightly. There was an emotion in his voice that she couldn't discern. She raised her head and drank the wine in a few gulps, the glass crashing onto the table with a "clatter".
"Because opening a wine bottle is too much trouble."
Su Xian stood up, walked past Lin Zhiyuan, and went straight up the stairs.
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