Chapter 38: Say You Regret Yan Heng closed his eyes...
Yan Heng closed his eyes, ending this staring contest that would never have any result.
He walked forward without changing his expression, and asked the person to sit down. "Eat."
He then sat down across from me. "I haven't eaten it either. Thank you for preparing mine and waiting until now."
The words were considerate and could be described as respectful, but the expression was indifferent. Although he was there, his heart was far away.
Ji Yunchan lowered her head and took two bites in silence, feeling very uncomfortable.
She picked up some food for Yan Heng and started talking, "Husband, try this! The kitchen has made some new dishes. They taste different from the previous ones." She then held up her bowl to show him, saying, "I've been eating a lot more lately."
Yan Heng's eyes swept across her cheek, then glanced at her empty bowl of rice. He said "hmm" but did not touch the dish she picked up.
Before Yan Heng came back, he had already found out why Ji Yunchan appeared there.
Someone was indeed injured in the fight outside the city, but it wasn't Ji Qinnian. He did fall off his horse, though. When the news reached the city, that foolish scholar happened to be passing by on official business and overheard it. Without verifying anything, he hurried off to look for Ji Yunchan. It's unclear what his intentions were.
She was so worried that she immediately ran out of the city, forgetting all the instructions given to her.
Originally, this wasn't a big deal; Yan Heng felt only slightly uncomfortable. Listening to his subordinates report on how she'd made such a snap decision, he was furious that all her usual clarity had been channeled into this, without even a moment's consideration of what he'd said.
Don't think twice about whether the news is true, even if it's just a matter of asking at the city gate to see if the details are correct.
But she did something wrong and subconsciously stepped back.
The moment he saw the fear in her eyes, Yan Heng felt extremely tired.
......
He raised his eyebrows, "Who told you that?"
Ji Yunchan was speechless for a moment, and after a long while, she spoke weakly: "...Brother Zheng."
Yan Heng snorted coldly and lowered his head to eat.
"Ah Heng." Ji Yunchan called him cautiously as if begging for mercy.
This plea for peace came too late and too passively. Yan Heng's heart had already been shattered into pieces when they exchanged glances upon entering the room. Hearing it now only made him more angry.
Without even looking up, he said, "Don't call me that."
Thinking of Ji Yunchan's preference for this type of man, jealousy and anger surged up. Yan Heng lost her appetite. She listened to his words without thinking whether they were true or false. She didn't even know she was being betrayed. What if the scholar was bribed by the enemy? What if he deliberately lured her out of the city? What if she really encountered danger?
Thinking of this, Yan Heng was so angry that he couldn't eat: "You are really great, Ji Yunchan. You have been married to me for so long, but you still can't forget him."
"I didn't." Ji Yunchan retorted in a low voice.
"Liar." Yan Heng retorted.
"I'm not." Ji Yunchan retorted in a low voice.
"His words are more effective than mine. How do you explain that?"
Yan Heng couldn't eat anymore. He put down his chopsticks and looked at her coldly, saying one thing after another: "Did I not write to reassure you? Or do you think I don't keep my word? Have you ever seen me break my promise?"
Wrote, no, never.
Ji Yunchan was speechless under his repeated questioning.
"The road is slippery due to the snow, and my marching speed has slowed down a lot, but you dare to ride your horse." Yan Heng stared at her, sneered, and listed her mistakes one by one.
"My words fell on deaf ears."
After he said so much, he felt all the fatigue from the days' march coming up. Seeing that Ji Yunchan was like a wooden man, he didn't refute, explain, or beg for mercy, and he didn't want to say anything more.
He was really sad, lowered his eyes, and said in a hoarse voice: "I know you don't love me."
"But even if we're living together, can you at least care a little about my feelings?"
The candle flame suddenly shook, stretching and shortening Yan Heng's shadow.
Ji Yunchan looked up in surprise and said that everything about her was good, but he said that she didn't love him.
She looked at his dejected expression, tears welling up in her eyes, feeling aggrieved and puzzled, "Ah Heng...how could I not love you?"
Yan Heng didn't believe it at all. He smiled bitterly and his body trembled.
"Even so, even so." He repeated it twice, a sarcastic arc at the corner of his mouth, "There are too many people ahead of me in the queue."
The little love given to me is too little.
Yan Heng thought he wouldn't care. Was he just too tired these days? He wondered.
I thought it was nothing a few days ago, but I knew it a long time ago.
It turned out that he was still hoping that she would get closer to him and love him more, Yan Heng suddenly realized.
Thinking of this, he raised his eyes again, looked into Ji Yunchan's tearful eyes, and asked tiredly: "If I give you another chance, will you still do this?"
Do you regret it?
The answer should be no, Ji Yunchan thought, but she knew in her heart that she knew nothing and would do the same thing again if it happened again.
She opened her mouth, but nothing came out.
Yan Heng looked at her with a face that was gradually becoming desperate. Was she not even willing to lie to him?
He looked at her with red eyes, his voice rough from losing his composure, and grabbed her shoulders: "Say you regret it."
Ji Yunchan shook her head, tears falling as she shook.
If you are wrong, you are wrong. Don’t regret it.
If she had just expressed regret in vain, she would have drowned in endless remorse and would definitely not have lived to this day.
Yan Heng was in so much pain that his mind was almost blurred. It was just as it was, he thought.
Looking at Ji Yunchan's red eyes and falling tears, he felt that he couldn't understand.
Why is she crying? She should be the one crying.
So he got up and left the main room.
It was white outside, and a warm yellow light shone through the window, reflecting the wedding character pasted on the window frame. Two red lanterns were burning in front of the door, illuminating the outline of the plum tree in the yard, with faint patches of red on the branches.
Yan Heng looked at it blankly, and it took him a long time to realize that the flower had bloomed.
He walked into the deep night and out of this sad place. Only when he saw the cold couplets and sharp long knife in the study did he realize where he was.
I don't know how I ended up here.
......
Ji Yunchan didn't know why things had developed to this point.
She felt her shoulders relax, and Yan Heng floated out of the room like a wandering soul, as if he would never come back.
She couldn't hold it in any longer and cried bitterly in the room.
-
After that day, the two people fell into a suffocating cold war.
Specifically, it was Yan Heng's one-sided cold war against Ji Yunchan.
He slept in the study, went out early and came back late every day, like a dragon that was hard to find. Ji Yunchan could not see him even when she got up early and went to bed late. She only heard the servants in the mansion say that the general came back late at night, slept in the study, and left again in the early morning.
She simply went to hide in his study.
It was getting late and the dew was heavy. The light in the study flickered. The fox demon in the strange story book seemed to be able to emerge from the lamplight. Ji Yunchan felt a little uneasy in her heart.
She stood up and looked around nervously, and finally found a piece of clothing that Yan Heng had left behind next to the simple bed in the inner room.
She returned to the outer room with the clothes in her arms, sat down at his desk, and put the clothes on herself.
The thick fabric pressed down, like a hug from Yan Heng.
Ji Yunchan's restless heart finally calmed down.
There were traces of Yan Heng all around. Holding the book he had opened and reading it, the silence was no longer lonely. Then sleepiness came over her silently. Ji Yunchan's eyelashes trembled slowly, and she closed her eyes.
This was the scene Yan Heng saw when he came back.
She fell asleep on his desk unconsciously, wearing her own clothes, which were too big for her. Her porcelain-white face was revealed, peaceful as a dream.
Is this his dream?
Yan Heng closed the study door quietly and stood at the door, not moving forward for a long time.
If it wasn't a dream, why would she be here?
He deceived himself into thinking that he didn't care, and married her by deceiving everyone. Only after he had tried every possible means did he realize that he cared about her to death.
He was conceited that he could always make her fall in love with him, but after having love, he felt it was far from enough. He was very greedy and all he wanted was a place in her heart.
The conflict that night merely opened up this gap, allowing him to see clearly.
The eyelashes cast a thick shadow on his face, and Yan Heng was in a state of confusion.
I haven't figured things out yet, so I don't know how to face her, so I have to keep hiding. My heart is in turmoil, and I blame her and myself.
He walked to her side, his Adam's apple moved, and he looked at her sleeping face with a complicated expression.
If you love me, then be of the same mind with me. If you don’t love me, then be heartless and don’t look back.
Instead of just trying it out and giving me hope in the fog.
Yuanyuan, will you love me this much?
Yan Heng reached out and gently touched her cheek, his usually stern face showing a complicated and sad expression.
The person in the dream moved slightly. Yan Heng reached out and pressed somewhere on her soft and defenseless body, and the girl lying on the table fell into sleep again without knowing it.
Yan Heng picked up the man by the waist and carried him back to the main house.
The maid guarding the door was startled and called out in a low voice in confusion, "General."
Yan Heng made a gesture to keep quiet and carried the person to the bed.
His own clothes were thrown aside. He took off her embroidered shoes and covered her with the quilt carefully. The hairpin on her head looked like it would make her sleep uncomfortable, so Yan Heng took it off as well.
Then he walked out and whispered to the maid, "Take good care of her. Don't wake her up in the morning. Let her sleep a little longer."
Having said that, without waiting for the maid to ask, he turned and plunged into the night.
Ji Yunchan had a good sleep. When she woke up, the morning light in the room shone on her face through the curtains. She stared at the wooden carved pomegranate pattern on the ceiling of the bed for a moment, then she took a deep breath and stood up.
I opened the tent and the morning light came in brightly.
She exhaled slowly and asked the maid who came over, "What time is it?"
"To answer Auntie, it's morning."
Upon hearing the sound, Ji Yunchan let out a sigh of frustration, but halfway through letting out her frustration, she belatedly realized where she was and stopped.
Her breathing became tight, and she looked at the maid: "Did the general come last night?"
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