You are my god
Chen Chao called Chen Fei to report his fever. After asking about the details over the phone, Chen Fei asked Chen Chao to prepare a list of pending tasks for his secretary. After hanging up, Chen Chao gave some instructions to Trot before finally completing the leave application process.
After completing all the tests at the hospital and confirming that there were no other problems, Chen Chao didn't want to stay there anymore. The hospital was a place that annoyed him.
Steve drove back to the villa with Chen Chao. When they went upstairs, Steve tried to hug Chen Chao, but Chen Chao glared at him. Chen Chao resentfully told him that he was not that 'delicate'.
Steve watched with amusement as his eldest son staggered upstairs, then followed him into the bathroom to help him take a bath.
Chen Chao was weak and still had a fever, so he was likely to faint in the bathroom if he took a shower by himself. However, he couldn't accept the idea of not taking a shower after returning from the hospital.
Steve filled the bathtub with water, and when he saw Chen Chao shakily stepping into the tub after taking off his clothes, he immediately picked Chen Chao up and put him in the tub.
Chen Chao glared at Steve resentfully, his eyes screaming, "Wait till I get better, I'll deal with you!" Steve, however, just grinned at Chen Chao as if he didn't understand.
"Are you so happy to see me as delicate?" Chen Chao said helplessly.
“Because I want to take care of you.” Steve knelt by the bathtub and helped Chen Chao lather up with shower gel. “Boss, you’re always so unwilling to show weakness. It’s exhausting to watch.”
Chen Chao was speechless. I thought to myself, "I've already shown enough weakness in front of you. I wouldn't dare to relax even a little bit in front of outsiders."
"If you had been here yesterday, I probably would have just tried to find some medicine myself to see if I could bring the fever down. I don't like going to the hospital, especially the hospital in Te'an."
Steve often did the same thing—taking some medicine without going to the hospital—but he couldn't stand seeing Chen Chao do it.
"Boss, you really had a high fever yesterday, you can't tough it out."
Chen Chao already had a headache, and now soaking in the hot water in the bathtub made his head even more foggy. He looked up at Steve and unconsciously vented his emotions: "But I really, really dislike hospitals."
"Why? Boss, are you afraid of needles?" Steve had never heard Chen Chao say this before, and he couldn't help but find it a bit funny.
“No.” Chen Chao denied Steve’s guess, his tone becoming somewhat low, as if he was lost in some unpleasant memories. “Because in most cases, if I need to go to Tean’s hospital, it means that someone on your team is injured.”
Steve stopped massaging Chen Chao.
He always knew that Chen Chao cared about them and that Chen Chao regarded their lives as his responsibility, but he did not know that Chen Chao cared about them so deeply.
How many task orders does Chen Chao sign out in a year? If he cares this much every time, how can anyone keep up?
“Boss…” Steve wanted to say something, but Chen Chao stopped him.
Chen Chao took a deep breath, feeling as if the things he had suppressed in his heart for so many years had found a breakthrough and were about to burst forth. At this moment, in front of Steve, he suddenly wanted to allow himself to be vulnerable.
He hadn't allowed himself to be weak for far too long, and once his emotions broke free and the topic was brought up, he couldn't stop the urge to confide.
“I know what you’re going to say, but you don’t know what I’ve seen.” After saying this, Chen Chao seemed to realize something was wrong and changed his words, “No, you’ve seen it. I think you must have seen it when you were doing the cleanup mission.”
Steve's hand suddenly tightened.
The cleanup missions consisted of two parts: one was to eliminate traitors, and the other was to eliminate captured agents—to prevent them from being tortured and to end their suffering.
Chenchao now naturally refers to the latter.
Steve had witnessed the horrific torture inflicted on captured agents; it was an unspeakable hell. Every time he did it, the eyes of everyone showed gratitude for finally being able to die.
Special Security rarely conducts rescue operations for captured personnel; most of their work involves clearing them out. Rescue operations are extremely costly in terms of manpower and resources, and success is not guaranteed. How did Chen Chao end up seeing all this in a Special Security hospital?
“Chen Jiu,” Chen Chao answered Steve’s question, “I still can’t bear to recall the day he was rescued.”
Chen Jiu? But Steve remembers that Chen Jiu wasn't injured when he was rescued from West Africa. At that time, Raman was afraid that if he really harmed Chen Jiu, he would anger the Chen family, so he always treated him well.
“It wasn’t the one in Siefies that you know about, it was before that, when he was on an undercover mission sent by his father.” Chen Chao reached out and grasped Steve’s hand on his shoulder, his voice low and hoarse, a heavy burden he had never confided in anyone before.
"His mental state was very bad towards the end of that mission. After completing the mission and transmitting all the data back via satellite, he couldn't keep up mentally. He made a mistake that shouldn't have happened to him and was captured."
His plans were ruined, so naturally he tried his best to force him to say something, but you know he won't say anything.
Chen Chao closed his eyes sadly as he finished speaking.
“After analyzing the information he sent back, we determined that three weeks had passed since the perpetrator went to rescue him. He had been tortured beyond recognition and had been given drugs.”
Upon hearing this, even Steve's breath hitched; he almost couldn't bear to listen any longer.
“The rescue wasn’t too difficult at the time, so no cleanup was carried out. When he was rescued, he looked like a rag doll that had been torn apart and then sewn back together. Every fingernail on his finger had been pulled out. I watched him being taken to the hospital in Tean, but I could hardly recognize him.”
“Boss, this isn’t your fault,” Steve couldn’t help but say.
“I know, but he is, after all, my brother, and I’ve signed quite a few task lists for him. Ever since then, I haven’t liked going to Tean’s hospital. And after your heart stopped beating there recently, I like going there even less. There are always some bad memories there.”
Steve rinsed the foam off Chen Chao's body and changed the water in the tub.
Because he rarely sees sunlight, Chen Chao's skin is very fair. Now, due to his illness, he has lost his usual air of authority, and a vulnerable light shines in his eyes as he looks at Steve.
Looking at Chen Chao, Steve suddenly realized that Chen Chao, who had always appeared invincible and capable of swallowing everything, was actually quite fragile.
Chen Chao was never heartless.
He's just good at suppressing himself.
But those things he silently suppressed in his heart, unknown to outsiders, will one day make him unable to look at himself directly.
“Then we’ll try to avoid going to the hospital and call the doctor to our home.” Steve felt sorry for Chen Chao, but he knew he couldn’t persuade him otherwise.
Because of his kindness, Chen Chao is bound to bear the burden.
“Okay.” Chen Chao gave an extremely ugly smile, his eyes flashing as he looked at Steve. “Sometimes I can’t help but wonder what I would do if you were sent back like Chen Jiu one day? It seems that your line of work is destined to have no good ending.”
“Chen Jiu is doing quite well in the Southwest now, it’s all in the past,” Steve comforted her.
“Yes, he’s doing alright in the Southwest now, he’s finally made it through.” Chen Chao’s tone was slightly relaxed, but his voice still carried the heaviness of memories. “Back then, he was going through a very painful period of rehabilitation from drugs.”
You know, there are no shortcuts when you're trying to quit drugs; you just have to tough it out.
After he successfully overcame his drug addiction, his father finally decided to set him free.
He wasn't actually on a mission during that Sifests incident; he had no weapons at hand, and it was purely accidental that Raman captured him.
"Boss, do you believe in God?" Steve suddenly asked.
Chen Chao looked at Steve and slowly shook his head.
Steve took a dry towel, picked up Chenchao, and wiped him down: "I believe. But I don't believe in those religious things, I only believe in you."
Boss, you are my god. And isn't God's greatest mercy to stand in front and bear all the sins?
"Do you take me for Jesus?" Chen Chao was speechless.
"More or less." Steve dried Chen Chao off and carried him to the bed. "Boss, I can't tell you not to suffer. You already know what I'm trying to say: your kindness and sense of responsibility prevent you from letting yourself go."
But I want to tell you that your suffering was worthwhile. You are my god, and a pillar and faith for many. We all need you.
Chen Chao lay on the bed and reached out to stroke Steve's cheek, his eyes unexpectedly welling up with tears.
His lover did not advise him to let go, nor did she belittle his pain or justify his sins; she simply told him that everything was worthwhile.
You are my god, you stand in front and guide the world.
Therefore, everything you bear is worthwhile.
You are in pain because you are strong and kind.
You bear this burden because of your responsibility and your beliefs.
I understand everything about you, and I willingly bow down in worship.
So please let me walk with you to the other side of faith.
There's probably nothing in this world more touching and comforting than finding a partner who understands you so well.
He had been strong his whole life, and finally he could be unabashedly weak in front of him.
Steve, it's so good to have met you.
Steve knelt by the bed, holding Chen Chao's hand, silently watching Chen Chao drift off to sleep with a sense of relief and emotion. Only after Chen Chao was sound asleep did he get up and go to the bathroom to tidy himself up.
As the warm water from the shower hit his body, Steve let out a heavy sigh.
He felt he was cruel.
He knew that Chen Chao's path ahead was fraught with thorns, and every step he took would be stained with blood. But instead of stopping Chen Chao, he encouraged him to keep going.
He felt utterly despicable. He had used faith as a pretext to manipulate Chen Chao's stance.
But if he didn't say that, would Chen Chao let him off the hook?
The truth had long been laid out on the table, and Chen Chao was not unaware of it, but he was unwilling to run away from it.
Chen Chao's pride and reserve did not allow him to escape.
Then he could only stand behind Chen Chao, be Chen Chao's support when he was in pain, be Chen Chao's reliance when he needed support, and be the high wall that stopped Chen Chao when he couldn't help but want to retreat.
He didn't want Chen Chao to suffer, but in the end, he could only choose to suffer alongside Chen Chao.
Their path had already determined that they could not turn back.
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