Chapter 57 What I Really Want
Aize has always known Claudia's wish.
That is a very sad wish.
Aize glanced at Pandora in Claudia's arms.
Claudia's sad wish is all because of the existence of this thing.
Outsiders had no idea that Claudia, who always had a decent and mature smile on her face, had actually been on the brink of ruin.
It has been more than a thousand days since Claudia got Pandora. She is haunted by nightmares every night and tortured by the pain of death every night. This has long made Claudia lose the desire to continue living.
This does not mean that Claudia was tortured to the point of mental breakdown, and that she wanted to commit suicide because she could not bear the pain and despair.
If that were the case, as long as she gave up Pandora and discarded this dangerous pure star-shaped weapon, she would not have to suffer any more and would have no reason to seek death.
But Claudia did not give up Pandora and still insisted on using it. This made people admire her will and her strength, but some problems inevitably arose.
That is, after experiencing so many deaths, this most unacceptable and terrifying thing was actually seen through by Claudia.
She gradually realized that no matter who you are, as long as you are a human being, you will eventually die.
No matter how happy your life is or how much wealth you have, everything will become nothing when you die.
So, she began to think that instead of worrying about how to live, it would be better to think about how to die.
Claudia, who had such thoughts, finally came to a conclusion.
She wanted to die for others.
This is what Claudia herself considers the most worthwhile way to die.
Coincidentally, in the nightmare woven by Pandora, there was such an unforgettable death.
In that dream, Claudia died to protect Amagiri Ayato.
Claudia felt that no matter how many nightmares she had, there had never been a more satisfying death than that moment.
So she finally came up with a dangerous idea.
She wants to realize that dream in reality.
She would try her best to recreate the scene she saw at that time and get satisfaction.
This is Claudia's wish, and it is also the reason why she went to great lengths to recruit Amagiri Ayato to the Star Guidance Hall.
Everything is done to achieve a heroic death show.
"How stupid."
Aize couldn't help but utter the most honest evaluation he had of this wish.
"well?"
Claudia was stunned.
She saw Aize's expression, and saw a seriousness and indifference she had never seen before on his face.
“Isn’t it?” Aize said indifferently: “Your thoughts, to put it nicely, are seeing through life and death, but to put it bluntly, you are just escaping from reality, right?”
At this moment, Aize was thinking about his own life.
My parents divorced, my grandparents passed away, and I lived alone, experiencing all kinds of hardships and bitterness.
At that time, he felt that his life was very hard and unhappy.
But he never thought about giving up living.
"It is easy to give up on survival, but it is difficult to continue to live."
“Even if people take nothing with them after they die, the things they left behind during their lifetime do not cease to exist.”
"Just because we will die one day, can we not feel happy while we are alive?"
"Just because we're going to lose everything sooner or later, can't we just own it from the beginning?"
“If you don’t enjoy the process and just go straight to the end, what’s the meaning of life?”
Aize looked at Claudia and spoke word by word.
"Listen carefully, Claudia. The reason why people try so hard to stay alive is not only because of their instinct to survive and because they are afraid of death, but also because they want to leave something in this world and have something they want to gain."
“Death may have value, but living can produce more value.”
“A worthwhile death is precious, but a worthwhile life is even more admirable.”
"If a person lives just to pursue death, then he (she) has violated the meaning of the existence of living things from the very beginning, and even violated the meaning of his (her) own existence."
At least, that's what Aize thought.
"So, please forgive me for being blunt, your wish is stupid, and your idea is wrong." Aize said mercilessly: "I believe that this is not just my idea, everyone who knows your wish will think so."
This time, it was Claudia's turn to be silent.
"…It seems that Mr. Ai knows more than I thought."
Claudia's smile became forced.
And this time, Aize did not deny it.
"I'm glad you're confused now, because it means you're doubting your own wishes and wavering in your own actions." Aize said, "After experiencing true happiness, if you still firmly believe that life is meaningless and that pursuing death is the truth, then you're truly hopeless."
Claudia is now feeling lost and doesn't know what to do, most likely because her nightmare turned into a sweet dream.
The pain that once plagued her has now turned into happiness under Aize's intervention. Claudia, who has never tasted this kind of happiness, naturally begins to doubt whether her previous thoughts were too extreme.
Knowing what happiness is, she naturally began to waver about whether she should still pursue death.
"This is a good thing. I hope you can face this matter squarely, face your heart, and think carefully about what you really want."
After saying that, Aize said no more.
Claudia stared at him blankly, then retracted her gaze after a while, lowered her head, and looked at Pandora in her hand.
There was a sudden silence in the box.
Neither of them spoke any more, and they fell into an unspeakable silence.
However, the ceremony outside the box was not affected at all and continued in an orderly manner.
After a long time, the drawing ceremony began.
"Well, I'll go over first."
Claudia suddenly stood up, her usual smile appearing on her face again, and spoke to Aize as if nothing had happened.
"Go ahead."
Aize nodded, as if he had never said those words.
Claudia left the box and walked towards the stage, restraining her expression.
"A worthwhile death is certainly valuable, but a worthwhile life is more worthy of admiration...right?"
Claudia sighed self-deprecatingly.
"This is really... the first time someone has said something like this to me."
Her sad wish was not unknown.
Just as Aize said, they all thought Claudia's wish was stupid and pathetic.
But no one had ever told her why death was stupid and tragic.
Only Aize told her that it was because life was more valuable and meaningful.
"What I really want..."
Claudia stopped and looked at the box behind her.
In fact, she really wanted to tell Aize that she wanted him.
Yes, this is what Claudia wants most right now.
The reason is very simple. In the dreams she had recently, the other person has always been there.
Pandora had made her experience all kinds of death, and now she also made her experience all kinds of happiness.
This includes falling in love with someone, getting married, having children, and growing old together without any regrets.
And there has always been only one person who fell in love with Claudia, married her, had children with her, and lived together until old age without any regrets.
That's Aize.
"You did this on purpose, didn't you?"
Claudia touched Pandora's engine and knew very well that this was all the child's doing.
Perhaps she was frightened by Aize, or perhaps she believed that being with that person was the greatest luck or happiness in the world. In all the beautiful dreams woven by Pandora, Aize was the center.
Claudia had no idea what Aize had done to make Pandora, who had an extremely bad personality, feel such awe towards him.
But there was one thing she knew.
All of these were brought by Aize.
"hehe……"
I don’t know what she was thinking about, but a sincere smile appeared on Claudia’s lips.
Then, she continued walking forward with her steps becoming inexplicably brisk.
(End of this chapter)
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