Chapter 37 Luo Xin 1-Gray Childhood
Seven-year-old Luo Xin stood at the door of the orphanage clutching a Pikachu doll, while locust tree leaves rustled down on her pigtails. The air was filled with the smell of laundry detergent and coal briquettes, and she was wearing a pink dress. It was bought for her by her mother before she died, and it was her favorite piece of clothing, even though the butterfly embroidered on the hem had been worn down to thread. "This will be your home from now on," said the fat woman in the blue cloth jacket, reaching out to hold her hand. Luo Xin shrank back abruptly. She didn't understand why she came here, and she couldn't even figure out what had happened in the past few days. A week ago, it was her seventh birthday. Luo Xin sat in the back seat of her family's car, swinging her short legs and humming the English songs taught in the bilingual kindergarten's Protestant class. Her father winked at her in the rearview mirror: "What kind of cake does our little princess want to eat today?" "Strawberry! Lots and lots of strawberries! "Luo Xin stretched out her little hand and gestured, and the silver bell bracelet on her wrist jingled. Her mother smiled and said, "We also have to buy Xiao Xin that blinking doll, right?" Luo Xin was about to cheer when suddenly, the sharp sound of brakes tore through the air. The world suddenly turned upside down, and she saw her mother's long hair spreading out in the air like a black waterfall, and her father's hand slipped from the steering wheel. Then there was a deafening crash, the sound of shattering glass, and her own shrill cry. The last memory was blood, so much blood, winding down from her mother's temples like a red stream. When she woke up, she was sitting on a hospital bed in the city center hospital, holding a white quilt that smelled of disinfectant. The voices of the adults talking leaked in from the half-open door. "Who will pay for the medical expenses? I just bought a house..." "Sister, your family is the best off, how about..." "Are you kidding! "My two children are going to college..." The arguing swirls around Luo Xin's ears like a swarm of buzzing mosquitoes. She looks down at the grimy Pikachu doll in her arms—the only intact item found in the wreckage. Its right eye is missing, revealing the stuffing, as if it had cried itself blind. "It's settled. Send it to the orphanage," a shrill female voice declares. As the iron gates of the Sunshine Orphanage clang shut behind Luo Xin, she realizes she's ripped a small piece off the doll's ear. None of the aunts and uncles she knew seem to have followed, leaving her alone in the gated courtyard. Before her stands a woman in a dark blue uniform, her nametag reading "Chen Mei." "Another money-loser." Chen Mei...
As seven-year-old Luo Xin stood at the door of the orphanage clutching a Pikachu doll, locust tree leaves were falling on her pigtails.
The air was filled with the smell of laundry detergent and coal briquettes, and she was wearing a pink dress.
That was bought for her by her mother before she passed away. It was her favorite piece of clothing, even though the butterfly embroidered on the hem had worn down to the thread ends.
"This will be your home from now on." The fat woman in the blue cloth jacket said this and reached out to hold her hand.
Luo Xin shrank back suddenly. She didn't understand why she came here. She couldn't even figure out what had happened in the past few days.
A week ago, on her seventh birthday, Luo Xin sat in the back seat of her family's car, swinging her short legs and humming an English song from the Protestant class at her bilingual kindergarten.
Dad winked at her in the rearview mirror: "What kind of cake does our little princess want to eat today?"
"Strawberries! Lots and lots of strawberries!" Luo Xin stretched out her little hand and gestured, the silver bell bracelet on her wrist jingling.
Mom smiled and said, "We're also going to buy Xiaoxin that doll that blinks, right?"
Luo Xin was about to cheer when suddenly, the harsh sound of brakes tore through the air.
The world suddenly turned upside down, and she saw her mother's long hair spread out in the air like a black waterfall, and her father's hands slipped from the steering wheel. Then there was a deafening crash, the sound of shattering glass, and her own shrill cry.
The last memory is blood, lots of blood, flowing down from my mother's temples like a red stream.
When she woke up, she was sitting on a bed in the city center hospital, hugging a white quilt that smelled of disinfectant. The sound of adults talking leaked in through the half-open door.
"Who will pay for the medical expenses? I just bought a house..."
"Sister, your family is the best, how about..."
"You must be kidding! My two kids are in college..."
The quarreling sounds were like a group of buzzing mosquitoes, circling around Luo Xin's ears.
She looked down at the dirty Pikachu doll in her arms - the only intact item found in the wreckage of the car accident.
The doll's right eye had fallen off, revealing the stuffing inside, as if it had cried blind.
"It's settled. Send him to an orphanage." A sharp female voice made the final decision.
When the iron gate of Sunshine Welfare Home slammed shut behind Luo Xin, she realized that she had pulled off a small piece of the doll's ear.
It seemed that the uncles and aunts I knew did not follow me, and I was the only one who entered the yard with an iron gate.
Standing in front of her was the woman in a dark blue uniform with a name tag that read "Chen Mei."
"Another money-loser." Chen Mei, cigarette in hand, squinted at Luo Xin. "Hand over the toys. No personal belongings allowed here."
Luo Xin hid the Pikachu doll behind him and shook his head.
Chen Mei's slap came fast and hard. When the burning pain exploded on his left cheek, Luo Xin realized that he had been hit.
The first time she was beaten, she stood there motionless, not knowing what was happening. After a long time, she finally burst into tears.
"Don't cry." Chen Mei's slap came so hard that Luo Xin was frightened. Her instinct told her that she couldn't cry at this time, or she would be beaten if she cried again.
"Here, I have the final say." Chen Mei snatched the Pikachu doll and threw it into the trash can next to her. "Go take a shower now. You stink like a garbage dump."
The yellow tiles in the bathroom were covered with black mold, and the cold water spraying from the rusty shower head made Luo Xin's teeth chatter.
Chen Mei scrubbed her with a hard-bristled floor brush, and her skin soon became blood-streaked.
"So spoiled?" Chen Mei sneered, and the strength in her hands increased. "No one here treats you like a little princess."
Wearing old pajamas with suspicious stains on the front, Luo Xin was pushed into a large room full of iron beds.
More than twenty girls looked at her in unison, their gazes like searchlights sweeping over prey.
Chen Mei randomly pointed to a bed by the window and said, "You sleep here and get up at six tomorrow."
When Chen Mei's footsteps faded, a tall girl with crooked braids immediately jumped out of bed and grabbed Luo Xin's hair: "New here, do you know the rules?"
The severe pain from her scalp made Luo Xin burst into tears and she shook her head.
"I'm Xiaoyu, the boss here." The girl leaned closer, her hot breath smelling of onions. "Turn in snacks every Wednesday, make my bed every day, and..." She suddenly lifted Luo Xin's quilt, "Let me see what goodies you've hidden."
The other girls gathered in a circle, giggling.
Luo Xin curled up into a ball, like a little hedgehog with all its quills plucked out.
Xiaoyu rummaged through her empty luggage and spat in disappointment, "Poor bastard."
Luo Xin didn't realize until now that she had been abandoned, her parents had died, and she no longer had anyone to rely on.
In the middle of the night, Luo Xin secretly climbed out of bed and stepped barefoot on the cold concrete floor.
The trash can was at the end of the corridor. She stood on tiptoe and looked inside - the Pikachu doll was gone, and only a few rotten apple cores and used toilet paper were left.
When I returned to bed, the girl in the lower bunk suddenly whispered, "Ms. Chen took it away. She likes to collect children's things."
In the moonlight, Luo Xin could see clearly that the person who was speaking was a thin girl wearing glasses, the lenses of which were as thick as the bottom of a bottle.
"My name is Ah Hui," the girl said, pushing up her glasses. "You'd better not mess with Xiao Yu. She pushed the new girl down the stairs last week."
Luo Xin buried his face in the musty-smelling pillow, his tears silently soaking the fabric.
She remembered the song her mother hummed when she combed her hair for the last time, and the warmth of the sun when her father lifted her above his head.
Those memories are like torn photos. The more they are pieced together, the more fragmented they become.
On the first night, seven-year-old Luo Xin understood what insomnia was.
After a while, Luo Xin slowly understood the rules here. Chen Mei, or Teacher Chen as the children called her, was the rules and the rule of thumb here.
Rules require obedience. Never go against them, otherwise the consequences will be serious.
That day, breakfast was once again the thin, reflective porridge and half a hard steamed bun. As Luo Xin picked up the bowl, Xiaoyu and two of his followers came over.
"Newcomers have to pay 'protection money'." Xiaoyu snatched her steamed bun, broke it into three pieces and shared them with her companions. "From today on, your breakfast buns belong to me."
Luo Xin's stomach ached with hunger; she hadn't eaten properly in a long time. Suddenly, she jumped up, grabbed the bun, stuffed it into her mouth, and chewed it hard.
Xiaoyu's expression quickly turned from surprise to fury. She punched Luo Xin in the stomach, sending her falling to her knees and vomiting the steamed bun she had just swallowed.
Amid the girls' laughter, Xiaoyu grabbed her hair and slammed her to the ground: "Let me show you who's the boss!"
"What are you doing!" Chen Mei's voice came from the door. Xiaoyu immediately let go of her hand and pretended to pat Luo Xin's back: "She choked because she ate too fast."
Chen Mei glanced around suspiciously, and finally snorted coldly: "Hurry up and go to the classroom after eating. There are adoptive families coming to visit today."
In the classroom, more than twenty children sat upright on small benches, like a row of soldiers waiting for inspection.
The bruise on Luo Xin's forehead was covered with a thick layer of foundation, and the wound at the corner of her mouth was still bleeding, so she had to keep licking it with her tongue.
"Smile! Everyone, smile!" Chen Mei paced back and forth in front of the team. "Those who are chosen will get a chicken drumstick tonight."
The door opened and a well-dressed couple walked in. The luster of the woman's pearl necklace stung Luo Xin's eyes.
She remembered that her mother also wore a beautiful pearl necklace when she was alive, which was bought by her father. Oh, where did her mother's necklace go? Where did her father's car go?
All the children immediately smiled in their trained poses, except for a thin boy in the corner who stared intently at the ground, as if there was another world there.
"How old is that boy?" the woman asked, pointing to the corner.
Chen Mei's smile froze. "Xiao Shu, he's... eight years old, and a little introverted."
The man squatted down and said, "Little boy, do you like playing football?"
The boy named Xiaoshu raised his head, a hint of vigilance flashed in his eyes, and then he slowly shook his head.
The couple turned to the other children in disappointment and finally chose Xiaoya, who had the sweetest smile.
At lunch, Luo Xin spotted Xiao Shu in the corner of the cafeteria. Like a wary little animal, the boy clutched his plate to his chest and ate his meal quickly.
As Luo Xin approached, he bared his teeth and hissed.
"I won't steal your food." Luo Xin whispered, showing his empty plate, "Mine was taken away by Xiaoyu."
The little tree stopped screaming, hesitated for a moment, broke off half a piece of bread and pushed it over.
The two ate in silence, the sunlight filtering through the grimy windows casting a warm band of light between them.
"Why did you reject that couple?" Luo Xin couldn't help but ask, "They look very rich."
Xiaoshu wiped his mouth with his sleeve: "They came here last month too, and I heard the woman say, 'Problematic children should be euthanized.'" He imitated the shrill tone of an adult, but his eyes looked like an old man who had experienced many vicissitudes of life.
Luo Xin couldn't understand what it meant. What was a problematic child? Was he a problematic child? What was euthanasia?
During the afternoon labor class, the children were divided into groups to clean the yard. Luo Xin and Xiao Shu were assigned to clear fallen leaves. They took advantage of Chen Mei's inattention and hid in the tool shed.
Xiaoshu took out a tin box from the crack in the wall. Inside it were a few melted and deformed candies and half a pack of wrinkled biscuits.
"My secret vault," he announced proudly, handing Luo Xin a sticky piece of candy. "It's been robbed so many times, I've learned my lesson."
The sweet taste of saccharin melted on her tongue, and Luo Xin's nose suddenly felt sore. This cheap sweetness reminded her of her mother's burnt cookies and the chocolate her father secretly stuffed into her mouth.
Seeing that she was about to cry, Xiaoshu hurriedly took out a crumpled piece of paper and said, "Don't cry, I'll teach you how to fold a paper airplane."
Two small figures hid in the dark tool shed, and a crooked paper airplane gradually took shape. This was the first time Luo Xin felt a sense of warmth since arriving at the orphanage.
However, the good times did not last long. One morning, Xiaoyu and his followers blocked Luo Xin who was about to go to the cafeteria.
"I heard you and Xiaoshu became good friends?" Xiaoyu's smile sent a chill down Luo Xin's spine. "Do you know what happened to the last kid he was friends with?"
Luo Xin took a step back and pressed his lower back against the cold wall.
Xiaoyu pinched Luo Xin's cheek and said, "Now, tell me where his secret warehouse is, otherwise..."
A sharp pain shot through her cheek, and Luo Xin's vision blurred with tears. She remembered Xiaoshu's shining eyes when she shared her candy, and the brief arc of light when the paper airplane flew across the tool shed.
"In...in the crack of the tool shed wall." These words were like a blade, cutting through her last bit of dignity.
Xiaoyu let go of her hand with satisfaction, and Luo Xin slid down the wall and sat on the ground.
From a distance, she saw Xiaoshu being dragged into the office by Chen Mei by his ears. The look the boy gave her as he passed by seemed to be filled with poison.
That night, Luo Xin found Xiao Shu in the innermost stall of the public bathroom. The boy was curled up on the wet ground, his arms covered in bruises.
"Traitor." Xiaoshu said hoarsely, spitting out a mouthful of blood.
Luo Xin wanted to explain, to apologize, but all the words were stuck in her throat. She silently handed over half a piece of bread she had hidden, but Xiao Shu slapped it away.
"Get out!" the boy's roar echoed off the tiled walls. "Go to hell with your parents!"
These words were like a red-hot knife, stabbing directly into the softest part of Luo Xin's heart.
She knew she was wrong and shouldn't have told on the accuser, but she was also really scared by the beatings and didn't want to be beaten again.
Luo Xin turned and ran out of the bathroom. The cold night wind blew on her tear-soaked face like countless tiny blades.
Back in the dormitory, by moonlight, she used a pencil she had picked up to write in a small notebook: "Xiaoyu stole my breakfast. Chenmei hit me three times. I'm so scared. Xiaoshu hates me. Mom, I miss you so much."
After finishing, she hid the notebook in the crack of the bed. This was her newfound survival rule - to lock all the pain and longing into words, so that they would not escape during the day and become weapons for others to hurt her.
Outside the window, a pale moon hung on the bare treetops, like a piece of ice about to melt.
Amidst the unfamiliar smells and the constant snoring, Luo Xin slowly learned to cry silently.
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