34. Resolute
Han Beiming is so shrewd, of course I know how to restrain my emotions in front of him, so as not to let him see through me. Someone as arrogant as him would never want me to take risks alone.
"What's going on?" With a bang, Han Beiming pushed open my door.
I was half asleep, half awake, when I groggily opened my eyes and met his sharp gaze. He was holding an invitation in his hand.
"You received it too?" I yawned.
"Was it you who pushed for it?" Han Beiming's gaze was cold, devoid of his usual gentleness, and more like that of someone scrutinizing prey.
"Yes," I said with a smile, "Why are you unhappy?" I really didn't understand.
“He instigated the Shaolin Temple to issue invitations to heroes across the land, in order to fight against the Khitan. Fei’er, tell me,” he said, sitting down beside my bed. I kept my distance from him without showing any emotion. “You don’t believe I will avenge you?” His eyes gleamed. “Or do you not trust that I can avenge you?” His tone revealed waves of heartache.
“Neither.” I stated quickly. Han Beiming’s agitated chest slowly calmed down. “But I want to take revenge myself.” My words made him suddenly reach out and grab me. His large hand gripped my wrist, and I couldn’t struggle. I could only calmly look at him.
"Why?"
He actually asked why. "It's my own revenge, of course I'll take it myself." I didn't quite understand his insistence.
Han Beiming sighed deeply, then looked at me with a sorrowful gaze. "Fei'er, do you not want to owe me a favor? Do you want to sever ties with me?"
His face suddenly drew closer, and my heart pounded instantly. "Or is it that you still harbor feelings for Yelü Hong? So deep is your love, so intense is your hatred, that you're determined to kill him?" His undeniable pressure made it hard for me to breathe. I could only stammer, "No." Though my weak voice held little credibility.
Han Beiming suddenly laughed, a laugh that sent chills down my spine. At this moment, he seemed like a devil, not only regaining his arrogant and conceited aura, but also exuding an undeniable sense of oppression. Most importantly, there was a sense of desolation in his tone.
"Why are you drifting further and further away from me?" He held his head, muttering to himself. "No longer staying for me, no longer looking at me, no longer being troubled by me, and unwilling to accept anything about me. What have I been doing all these years for..." he continued to mutter to himself. The inexplicable words coming from his mouth actually made me feel a pang of sadness and pity.
"I don't love him!" I suddenly shouted, staring blankly at Han Beiming, who was looking up at me with surprise. "I did like him. But I never loved him." I didn't understand why I said that. But if saying it could comfort his wounded heart, I didn't care.
"If you don't love him, why are you with him?" Han Beiming straightened up. He sat down next to me again and reached out to stroke my hair.
"Because he was very good to me." Thinking about it, that's not a good reason. "At first, he blackmailed me, he kidnapped me." That opening is quite reasonable. "Later, he was very good to me, and I was very touched." That's even more reasonable. "But I didn't... I didn't..."
"Do you love me?" he suddenly asked.
"Huh?" I opened my eyes wide.
"Did you ever love me?" He still refused to give up.
"..." I don't know if the kind of emotional turmoil I felt in my youth can be called love. If it is, then I loved you; if not, then I have never loved anyone.
"Fei'er, don't interfere, okay? I don't want you to get hurt again." Han Beiming broke the awkward silence. "When you were in a coma for a month, I almost went crazy. If I hadn't found that person later, I really don't know if I would have gone insane. You are my soul-soothing medicine. Without you, I would want to kill everyone." His icy tone made me tremble involuntarily.
“Don’t be afraid, Fei’er.” He hugged me. “I won’t force you, and I won’t hurt you. Trust me, I can avenge you. Don’t interfere anymore. Yelü Hong isn’t so easy to deal with.”
Having come this far, how can you let go? Those who deceive me will die, those who betray me will perish. You should be grateful you offended the Mo Fei of yesteryear, not the Zi Yan Fei Wu of today. I admit, I still don't understand my feelings for you, but I know my attachment and dependence on you are gone. You are no longer the Han Bei Ming who stayed in our house, the Han Bei Ming who said I could come to you for anything, nor the Han Bei Ming who quietly listened to my flute playing. You are the Lord of the Underworld Palace, a ruthless demon rumored to be even more powerful than the leader of the Demonic Sect and the Ghost King of the Ghost Palace. And I am no longer the Mo Fei of yesteryear, the least valued member of the Mo family, always scolded and punished by my father, forgotten by my elder brother, pitied by my two brothers, nor the Mo Fei who deliberately chose to believe those who were kind, caring, and attentive to me. I am the Young Master Fei Wu, both righteous and wicked, unbound by any rules, unfettered by any morality, unafraid of anyone's presence, the Zi Yan Fei Wu who kills without shedding blood. If, in our youth, we could still enjoy the afternoon sun, the melodious flute music, and the laughter together, then what binds us now? Is it you earnestly promising to fulfill all my wishes and eliminate all my enemies, or is it me selfishly taking advantage of your lingering feelings for me, calmly planning how to make you see my injured shoulder and vow revenge?
Who says the world of martial arts isn't treacherous? Even if you treat me sincerely now, I have no sincerity left to repay you with.
"Feiwu, are you really going?" After seeing Han Beiming off, Duan Diyang also came to join in the fun.
"Why not go? Shaolin Temple is genuinely looking forward to my visit," I said deliberately.
"Your body." Duan Diyang's dejected tone was accompanied by his slightly furrowed brows.
"I'm fine now." I waved my shoulders.
"I want to go with you, is that okay?" Duan Diyang suddenly said.
"Why? You are the personal physician of the Underworld..." I didn't want to see the obsessive gleam in his eyes.
"The Palace Master's sincerity towards you is evident. Having watched Bei Ming for so many years, I have never seen him so crazy for anyone. Even though opposing the Genmo Sect could very well ruin the great cause of the Underworld Palace that he has worked so hard to build, he made a decisive decision to deal with the Khitan and the Demonic Sect for your sake... It is clear that he is very sincere towards you."
"Finished talking? How much did you get paid to do this? You were made to act as a go-between." I waved my hand dismissively.
"Also, although he is very attentive to you, I can see your impatience. How can someone who is not part of the mist give up their ideals for the sake of romantic love?" Duan Diyang analyzed sincerely.
"And then?" I didn't understand his intention in saying that.
"Actually, Feiwu, you don't know this, do you? Although I knew you were the Palace Master's person, and I knew Han Beiming's obsession with you, when he carried you to me to heal your wounds, I realized that I had also fallen into a situation I couldn't salvage. If I could, I would rather I had never met you." He smiled, a very gentle smile, tinged with a faint sorrow and a touch of heartache.
"Because I fell in love. I fell in love with someone who is absolutely not mine, with my friend's lover. I knew it was impossible, but I still went ahead without hesitation. I tried my best to take back my feelings, but once you give up something as ephemeral as feelings, how can you take them back? Don't you think so, Fei Wu?"
Your confession came at a really bad time. Although your words were so passionate and touching, and I'm grateful for your feelings, what you want is something I can't give you. I can't even reply to Han Beiming anymore, how can I possibly involve such a gentle person again?
"I'm sorry to have put you in such a difficult position. Although I didn't want to, I found that you didn't respond much to the Palace Master, and I actually had some hope, some hope. Perhaps he is not what you seek, and what he gives you is not what you want. If possible, perhaps I can give you what you hope for. If possible, Fei Wu, please tell me, should I have stopped hoping a long time ago?" He looked at me excitedly, eagerly awaiting my answer.
If I could, I would ruthlessly shatter all your delusions. But I didn't, because I don't know why myself. When it comes to matters of the heart, if I could, I would rather be a person without desires or hopes.
"Let me finish these chores first," I could only manage to say.
"...In other words, I still have hope, I can still wait." He suddenly reached out excitedly and grasped my hand. I looked up in surprise and met his sparkling eyes, so tender they seemed to drown me.
"I'll wait, I'll definitely wait. Feiwu, don't worry, no matter what you do, I'll support you. Just please be kind to yourself and don't get hurt again."
I nodded. Looking up at the starry sky, I felt hesitant and lost. Wasn't what I longed for simply the care and attention of others? Now, despite being the center of attention, why did I still feel so lonely and melancholy?
If I could, I would wish to never fall in love in my entire life, but is that really possible?
"Let's go!" I said to Ruoyao as the night grew dark.
"You really want to?" He looked at me with some disbelief.
“He hasn’t noticed yet, but by the time he does, it will be too late to stop us,” I replied calmly. “Duan Diyang used the Seven-Day Powder on him, which will make him forget that I even exist. By the time he remembers me, we’ll be almost at the Central Plains.”
"Is this really a good idea? To be honest, I don't approve of you taking such a risk." Ruoyao thoughtfully stroked her chin. "Especially since the Demonic Sect isn't so easy to control. I'm afraid that once you go in, you won't be able to get out."
"Life and death are predestined." I smiled, waved, and closed the carriage curtain. I was exhausted and didn't want to ride; I just wanted to get a good night's sleep, because more hardships and dangers awaited me.
After traveling for most of the day, the carriage suddenly stopped. We were prepared for a perilous journey, but we hadn't expected the demonic cult to find us so quickly.
"Not fog?" Ruoyao's voice was tinged with confusion. "Someone is looking for you."
Huh? In this desolate wilderness, in the borderlands, do I know any friends with extraordinary abilities?
"Fei'er, how are you?" It was still such a young voice. So familiar.
"Binghong?" I jumped happily out of the carriage and ran towards the person who used to keep me company. "How did you find me?" Although I had grown much taller, he still patted my head like he would a puppy. (He's almost ninety years old, of course he treats you like a grandson.)
"Of course I'm worried, so I'm giving you a gift." He said it as casually as ever, laughing as if no one else was around. His hearty laughter carried on the wind, and I saw what he called his gift.
Are you... sure?
"Don't worry, it's durable and long-lasting. Once sold, it's non-refundable." He patted the still-cold person beside him. That person stared at me expressionlessly; if I could guess one thing about him, it would be that he wanted to kill me with his gaze. I involuntarily shrank back.
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