43. Love is hard to sever.
"Feiwu, are you alright?" Duan Diyang looked at me with some concern.
I must look terrible, I know, and he knows too; we're in the same boat. He understands what my pale face and sweaty forehead signify.
“Perhaps the Palace Master Han didn’t intend to use it for himself, or…” Duan Diyang felt he needed to explain something, but he was becoming more and more confused.
He either ate it himself or gave it to Bingzi. Neither outcome is something I want to see. If he's truly so jealous of Bingzi that he wants her to sever all ties with him, then I won't forgive him. Because he didn't consider my feelings at all; he's too selfish. If he's afraid I won't choose him and doesn't want to suffer the pain himself, then I still won't forgive him, because he still didn't consider my feelings; he's too selfish.
However, I'm also selfish. Why can't I settle down? Anyone could give me a lifelong commitment, anyone could cherish me. Why am I clinging to two devoted people, refusing to let go? I'm unwilling to choose this one and hurt the other, nor am I willing to follow the other and watch this despair unfold.
I am selfish, but what choice do I have?
"Feiwu, you look like you're about to faint... Go and rest for a bit. Okay?" Duan Diyang stammered, reaching out to help me up.
“Di Yang, this is something you and I both know.” I looked at him. He nodded.
I dragged my swaying body to the courtyard and looked at the fragrant snowflakes, feeling somewhat lost.
"It's cold, don't run around." A coat was draped over my shoulders. Besides its weight and warmth, I suddenly felt a surge of emotion.
"Thank you." I didn't look at him, I just smiled.
"It's been a long time since I've seen your genuine smile," he said earnestly.
"I've never seen you wear white before. Why are you dressed like this today?" I turned my head and looked at his long robe. Is it because you've given up? So you feel relaxed, so you chose pure white, untainted by any pollution? Black has oppressed you for so many years, and you've finally given up?
I turned my head and stared at his expression, trying to find a flaw, even a signal, that made me realize I could never understand him.
"It's nothing, it's just that wearing black for too long might make people feel depressed." He looked at me, seemingly surprised by my question.
“You are…suited to… pale white.” I curled my lip.
"It's a pity I don't have any blue or white clothes," he said calmly, seemingly with some regret.
I moved my feet, very slowly.
“Feiwu…” he called from behind me.
"What?" Why don't you call me Fei'er anymore? I turned around, I turned back.
"It's nothing. You don't look well, go and rest." He smiled.
I rushed away. I didn't want you to see my rapidly beating heart, not because of excitement, but because of heartache.
I lay in bed, feeling groggy. I desperately wanted to find Ruoyao and ask her for clarification, to ask her what I should choose. But how could someone else choose for me? And what is my own choice anyway? I don't want to make a choice I'll regret, so please give me a little more time.
Never in my life have I felt so leisurely yet troubled. It feels good to be waited on hand and foot; the Underworld Palace is wealthy, and I'm not greedy, nor do I ever think about how to earn a living. I mostly live paycheck to paycheck. Yao is much smarter than me, and he's helped me a lot. But I can't stay here with them. Han Beiming will eventually return to his Underworld Palace, and what about Bingzi? Tianshan and Binghong are probably still waiting for news of our return. But if I really go back to the borderlands with them, once I'm back in the Underworld Palace, there's no turning back. And if I go with Bingzi to see Binghong, Han Beiming will probably despair. What is that Heartless Grass for? I really want to ask, but I'm afraid of his answer. He hasn't forced me to go with him, nor has he sent Bingzi away, but every day, besides his regular work, he comes to see me. Sometimes he stands far away in a corner, not coming over to talk to me, just watching me, trying not to disturb me. It was a greedy, affectionate gaze. I guessed that he was afraid that this parting would be the last time we would see each other, so he took this opportunity to look at me carefully.
Although Bingzi lived under the same roof, his life wasn't much better than mine. He got up early every morning to practice martial arts alone, and then at breakfast, he would smile at me, but that smile carried a sense of loneliness and a weary, world-weary air. In the mornings, I usually read and concocted medicine alone. Sometimes Ruoyao would come over to chat with me, and sometimes Han Beiming would stand at the door, watching Ruoyao's enigmatic smile with cold eyes. Bingzi, however, never bothered me.
I always had lunch with Ruoyao. Han Beiming rarely showed up, and Bingzi occasionally did; they didn't want to run into each other or put me in a difficult position. Ruoyao was indeed very talkative, telling me anecdotes and interesting stories about the martial arts world. Unfortunately, I couldn't laugh.
"Feiwu, you can't suffer like this anymore. You're torturing yourself, Feiwu. You don't want to hurt anyone, but the longer you delay, the greater the damage will be." Ruoyao drank her soup with elegance.
"What if Yao were me?"
“Me? I’ll disappear.” Ruoyao said seriously. “Disappear for ten or twenty years, then come to visit those two with a bunch of children and grandchildren.”
"You're joking." I glared at him.
"Yes, think about it. If Fei Wu really disappeared, what would Palace Master Han do? What would Senior Bing Zi do?"
"What else can we do? Everyone go back to their own homes and find their own mothers." I said, looking down and munching on my steamed bun.
“Senior Bingzi will probably despair, then sever his ties to the mortal world and attain immortality.” Ruoyao smiled. “He won’t commit suicide for you. You can disappear without worry.”
"Ruo Yao." I was not satisfied with his idea.
“Han Beiming wouldn’t commit suicide for you, but he might very well kill someone to vent his anger because of you. Without you, he probably wouldn’t be the Han Beiming he is today.” Ruoyao looked at me with ulterior motives. “Feiwu, those involved are often blinded, while bystanders see clearly. Actually, I can see your situation. You know you’re deeply involved and have no choice. But from my perspective, you only have one choice.”
"What...is it?" I looked at him, somewhat afraid of his answer.
Ruo Yao shook her head. "I can't say, or you'll blame me. Fei Wu, hurry up. The journey is difficult in the dead of winter, but when spring arrives, those two will definitely be impatient. I'm not in a hurry, but they might not play their cards in the right order then."
"What you're saying is too profound for me to understand."
"Actually, I'm very happy. I haven't had any regrets, nor have I experienced what you've gone through, because I know how to appreciate the feelings others have for me, and I also know how to control my own feelings." Ruoyao put down her chopsticks and looked at the snowflakes falling outside the window.
"Is there someone who has captured your heart?" I asked, watching his retreating figure. "Is it regret?"
Ruo Yao smiled and said, "Fei Wu is really smart; she guessed it right away."
-_-||
"It's not that you're smart, it's that you're too obvious. You're kind to everyone, you'd go to great lengths for me, and you're tolerant of Zijin, but with Huixin, you seem to enjoy provoking him?"
"Hehe, Feiwu, don't you think Huixin looks best when she's angry?" Ruoyao smiled mischievously.
= =|||, I don't think so. That's probably the meaning of "beauty is in the eye of the beholder."
“My feelings aren’t as intense as yours, nor are they as difficult to choose between. What I’m looking for is a long-lasting, steady relationship. Passion feels more lonely without a lasting commitment. My heart can stay with me for a lifetime, so I choose him.”
"From what you're saying, you don't really care about him?" I looked at Ruoyao in surprise. His slender figure looked so strong and resolute against the backdrop of the white snow.
"Actually, whoever you choose, they will all treat you well. You don't need to worry so much. Just do what you want, and you'll feel more relaxed. That's all I have to say, Fei Wu." Ruo Yao changed the subject.
“Staring blankly again… Fei Wu, do you know how pitiful you look right now?” Duan Diyang came out of the alchemy room and looked at me. I leaned lazily against a pillar, admiring the snow scene and the yellow plum blossoms.
"Sigh~, no wonder Palace Master Han didn't want to force you. It seems he cares about you. Otherwise, given his past personality, he would have used coercive methods long ago." Duan Diyang said softly. "Feiwu, do you know, the first time I heard about you was 7 years ago."
"Did Bei Ming tell you that?" I turned to look at him and smiled. "What bad things did he say about me?"
"Does he... want to hear his story?" Duan Diyang asked with a mischievous smile.
"How did Han Beiming stand out from his many brothers at such a young age and become the Palace Master? How did he manage the Underworld Palace so well that it rivaled the Demonic Sect in just a few years? And how did he choose to isolate himself at the height of his glory, locking himself away for a whole year, just staring blankly at a flute? Do you want to know? Fei Wu, do you dare to listen?"
I bit my lip. Is this what I missed?
I nodded.
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