Chapter 85 Confession
The bitter smell of medicine filled the warm room, mixed with the dry warmth from the charcoal fire, but it could not dispel the invisible heaviness.
Pei Ji leaned on the thick pillow, his face as pale as the unmelted snow outside the window, and his lips so pale that they were almost transparent.
There was a thick dark shadow under the sunken eye sockets, and every breath was accompanied by a dull roar from deep in the chest, as if an old bellows was struggling to pull.
Luo Zhaohan sat on the embroidered cushion beside the bed, holding a bowl of freshly warmed medicine in her hand. The misty hot steam blurred her furrowed brow.
"Master Pei, medicine..."
She lowered her voice very softly and tried to bring the bowl of medicine to his lips.
Pei Ji's gaze passed over the bowl of dark brown medicine and fell on the skylight cast by the opposite window frame.
The look in his eyes was empty for a moment, then replaced by a heavy solemnity.
He suddenly raised his hand, not to take the medicine bowl, but to use all his strength to pull away the quilt covering his legs.
"Master Pei!" Luo Zhaohan exclaimed, and the medicine bowl almost fell out of his hand.
Pei Ji's actions were almost brutal and decisive.
He ignored his body's protest and Luo Zhaohan's dissuasion. When his feet landed on the ground, his knees suddenly softened and his tall body shook violently, as if he would fall down at any time.
He bit his lower lip hard, tasting a hint of sweetness between his teeth, and only then did he manage to steady himself.
He panted, walked around the bed step by step, and went to the armchair opposite Luo Zhaohan.
Every step felt like walking on the edge of a knife, causing his internal organs to churn and Luo Zhaohan's heart to tighten.
She subconsciously wanted to go forward and support him, but was stopped by his stubborn look.
Finally, he fell heavily into the armchair with a dull thud. He looked as if he had just been pulled out of the water, and the back of his underwear was soaked with cold sweat and stuck to his skin.
"Zhao Han..." he began, his voice extremely hoarse, "The court today is no longer the same as it was when His Royal Highness the Crown Prince was here."
Luo Zhaohan's heart sank suddenly, and the fingers holding the medicine bowl tightened unconsciously.
Pei Ji closed his eyes, as if gathering his last bit of strength. When he opened them again, only cold clarity remained in his eyes. "The Crown Prince has passed away, and the Eastern Palace is vacant. Your Majesty's heart is unfathomable." He paused, his Adam's apple rolling with difficulty. "He has not appointed a crown prince, and has not expressed his position. Prince Rui has formed many factions in the court, and his influence is growing, but Your Majesty has turned a blind eye. Prince Jin was so presumptuous at the flower viewing banquet, his behavior was almost forcing the emperor to abdicate, but Your Majesty also turned a blind eye!"
He took a sharp breath, which affected his lungs and triggered a violent cough. Luo Zhaohan immediately put down the medicine bowl and wanted to step forward, but he raised his hand to stop him again.
He wiped the moisture off his lips with the back of his hand, but his eyes became sharper than a knife:
"He placed me beside the Emperor's grandson, nominally as an assistant, but in reality as a yoke and a test, to test my loyalty, my abilities, and even the reactions of the various forces within the court!"
"He allowed Prince Rui to rise to power, condoned Prince Jin's tyranny, and pushed the young grandson of the emperor into the spotlight. Your Majesty is the chess master in this game, while he watches coldly as we fight on below!"
Pei Ji's eyes were fixed on Luo Zhaohan: "Zhaohan, do you understand? This is my current situation. There are tigers in front of me, jackals behind me, and a bottomless abyss under my feet! Retreat? One step back and I will be shattered to pieces! Advance? Every step is like stepping on a knife's edge and a sea of fire! I, Pei Ji, have already been trapped in this situation. There is no way to retreat or escape!"
He clenched his fists so hard that his knuckles crackled and veins popped on the back of his hands. "But I won't accept this! I won't accept being just a chess piece to be manipulated at will! I won't accept that the country and society entrusted to me by His Royal Highness the Crown Prince will fall into the hands of jackals! I won't accept that Elder Chu's hopes for me will go to waste! And I won't accept that the people of this world will suffer from turmoil again!"
"So, I can only keep going. Every step is like walking on thin ice, and I need to be extremely careful!"
"Zhao Han, do you know the way of Go?" he asked, his voice strangely calm. "Every step of the way is filled with danger. Sometimes, it seems like you're surrounded by enemies on all sides, ambushed from all sides, with no hope of survival. But a true Go player will never sit still and wait for death."
His fingertips tapped in the air, like dropping invisible chess pieces. "Every seemingly forced response, every seemingly helpless concession, could be a foreshadowing of a hidden agenda! Every game is a test of the opponent's bottom line, but also a formation for myself!"
"Your Majesty is testing me, Prince Rui is testing me, and Prince Jin is testing me too. They're all waiting, waiting for me to make a mistake, waiting for me to collapse, waiting for me to become a sacrifice in their chess game!"
"But I, Pei Ji, insist on working for myself in this desperate situation!" He suddenly emphasized his tone, speaking forcefully, "Every move I make, whether active or passive, no matter how seemingly insignificant, must have its purpose! I want them to know that I, Pei Ji, am not a fish to be slaughtered at will! Even if I am in the face of great difficulties, I will fight my way out of this dead end!"
"I'm not afraid of death. Ever since I stepped into the center of this vortex, I've put life and death aside. But I'm afraid my death will be meaningless! I'm afraid of betraying the trust placed in me by His Royal Highness the Crown Prince before his death, I'm afraid of failing to honor Elder Chu's unwavering kindness, and I'm afraid that the people of this world will never see a glimmer of peace again!"
These words exhausted his last bit of strength.
He leaned back heavily in his chair, his face as pale as paper, but his eyes were still astonishingly bright, burning with indomitable spirit.
The warm room fell into dead silence.
After a long time, Pei Ji's gaze slowly shifted and fell on the bowl of medicine that Luo Zhaohan had been placing on the small table.
His eyes seemed to soften for a moment, and with an indescribable complex emotion, they refocused on Luo Zhaohan's face.
"Zhao Han, that day in the secret passage, you mentioned 'previous life'..."
Luo Zhaohan's heart suddenly tightened.
Pei Ji's eyes captured every subtle change on her face, and he spoke softly: "These days, I have been thinking over and over again, tossing and turning, unable to sleep. If what you said is true, if the so-called 'previous life' is not false. Then... Zhao Han..."
"If your road ahead is as thorny and full of fear as mine, every step will be filled with anxiety..."
"If our fates are inherently intertwined and interdependent..."
Pei Ji's gaze locked onto her suddenly widened eyes, and he spoke each word clearly:
"No matter what, I, Pei Ji, will never bear to let you face the unknown storms alone."
"I can't bear to walk alone."
The last four words are as light as a sigh, but as heavy as Mount Tai.
Luo Zhaohan was completely frozen in place.
She looked at the man in front of her.
In the warm room, the candlelight flickered, stretching the silent figures of the two people and casting them on the cold wall.
Outside the window, the night is as dark as ink, bottomless.
The bitter smell of the bowl of cold medicine forgotten in the corner seemed to be made stronger by the charcoal fire.
The sound of the wind outside the window gradually died down, leaving only an oppressive silence that weighed heavily between the two of them.
Pei Ji's heavy breathing finally subsided. He leaned back in his chair with his eyes closed. His pale face looked like a crumpled and unfolded piece of old rice paper in the candlelight.
His eyelashes trembled a few times and then slowly opened.
Yes. It's her.
Luo Zhaohan still sat there quietly, maintaining the same posture as before.
Pei Ji's heart was hit hard.
He didn't dare to do so in the past because there was a bottomless abyss and a sea of blood ahead. He was afraid that he, who was already stuck in the mud, would drag her into the darkness from which there was no escape.
He could only suppress the surging emotions deep inside, like locking up a ferocious beast.
But at this moment, he was afraid that it was too late! He was afraid that she still hadn't truly understood!
"Luo Zhaohan! I like you!"
Sun Honglei's words were like a red-hot iron, burning his already shaky heart.
The emotion that had nearly swallowed him at the bottom of the well now erupted like a dormant volcano that had rekindled, with even greater force.
He no longer wanted to hide. He couldn't stand it anymore. He wanted to express it openly. Even just once!
Pei Ji took a deep breath.
With his arms resting on the armrests, he almost forcibly pulled himself forward, and met Luo Zhaohan's gaze firmly with an attitude of giving his all.
Under Luo Zhaohan's astonished gaze, he spoke:
"Zhao Han... everything I just said is based on the prevailing situation in the court. It is a situation that I, Pei Ji, am in and cannot avoid."
He paused.
The silent snow outside the window seemed to have frozen.
"However, today I dare to cast aside all so-called identities, so-called futures, and so-called crises..."
Pei Ji's voice, which was always calm, was now tinged with obvious tension and anxiety.
"I just want to say something to you... to Luo Zhaohan who is sitting here right now... something that has nothing to do with the overall situation."
Pei Ji clenched his fists tightly, digging his nails deep into his palms. He used the sharp pain to force himself to calm his mind and express his thoughts clearly:
"I... am attracted to you!"
"Luo Zhaohan!"
Luo Zhaohan only felt a buzzing sound in his head, as if he was hit hard by an invisible hammer.
My cheeks and ears were burning uncontrollably, and the heat spread like wildfire.
My thoughts were like a tangled mess thrown into a boiling oil pan, completely dissolving all calmness and rationality.
She even forgot to breathe and where she was!
She wanted to lower her eyelashes to avoid Pei Ji's overly intense gaze, but her body seemed to be pinned down. A strong pulling force prevented her from looking away.
His fingers were so tense that his knuckles turned white, waiting for... the aftermath that he could almost imagine but didn't know how to deal with.
However, there was nothing left.
Time seemed to be infinitely stretched in the warm room.
Pei Ji maintained the posture of leaning forward, his chest heaving violently, his thin lips tightly pursed, and his lip lines trembling slightly due to the force.
He didn't say anything else.
Just like a gambler who stakes all his belongings on the gambling table, when the winner is revealed, all that is left is confusion and fear as he waits for the verdict of fate.
This long silence is filled with complex emotions that are like a turbulent sea.
He was afraid that his confession in a hurry was too abrupt and intense and would scare her.
He was afraid that his words would not express his feelings clearly, and that the emotions that had been surging in his heart would be expressed in such a pale and clumsy way!
I was afraid that I couldn’t let her understand how heavy and pure my feelings were!
A tiny, warm memory like a spark quietly lit up from the deepest part of Pei Ji's heart.
That was in the secret passage.
When he had exhausted all his strength and even his consciousness was about to fade away, it was her voice that pulled him back, and it was her originally cold hands that, at that moment, hugged his almost fallen body without hesitation.
That unreserved dependence and response, the warm touch and strength transmitted instantly, were like a drop of boiling wax, instantly melting through all the hard shells and coldness.
That brief but extremely clear hug, that moment of being responded to, supported, and fully accepted, was like a torch suddenly lit in the dark abyss, giving him the confidence to give it all at this moment.
His courage did not come out of thin air.
Luo Zhaohan sat stiffly for a long time.
The four words "I am happy with you" were like a huge rock thrown into a calm lake, and the huge waves it stirred up in her heart have not yet subsided.
The blush on her cheeks not only did not fade, but was baked even hotter by the invisible heat in the long silence.
The warm room was so quiet that even the sound of the crackling charcoal fire seemed to disappear, leaving only her own uncontrollable heartbeat like a drum.
Plop, plop...
The overwhelming tension and the oppressive feeling brought by the huge heartbeat finally made her almost unable to bear it. She gritted her teeth and summoned all her courage.
She suddenly raised her eyelids, and with a determination that was almost like walking into a trap, she met the other person's gaze again.
What she saw was a scene that made her suddenly stunned.
Pei Ji still maintained the posture of leaning forward to get closer to her but was frozen with exhaustion.
This posture itself completely abandons his usual upright and aloof demeanor.
He almost slid off the carved armchair.
The back was no longer straight, but was pulled by a heaviness that was almost powerless, and it slumped forward slightly.
His head was lowered, his jaw line was tightly drawn, showing a humble posture that had never appeared on him before.
That pale and sickly face still looked extremely fragile under the light, with fine beads of sweat oozing from the corners of his forehead.
However, when Luo Zhaohan's gaze met the depths of his eyes, she saw it.
In those deep pools of eyes, all the weakness, fatigue, panic, and uneasiness... were condensed by a purer light and burned brightly in the depths of the eyes looking up at her.
"Master Pei..."
Luo Zhaohan opened his red lips slightly, his voice was low and hoarse, revealing a hint of moisture.
Pei Ji saw the tears flashing in Luo Zhaohan's eyes, and was startled. He hurriedly said in a trembling voice:
"Miss Luo, you don't need to answer me. It's my fault. I was too eager and too presumptuous."
Pei Ji reached out his hand to Luo Zhaohan. However, before, he could still stroke Luo Zhaohan's cheek when he was lost in thought, but now he no longer had any excuse.
His arm was suspended in mid-air, and he felt extremely regretful. Unexpectedly, at this moment, Luo Zhaohan actually leaned over gently and gently pressed his warm cheek against Pei Ji's palm.
Time seemed to freeze at this moment.
In the warm room, the candlelight flickered, and two hearts were beating violently at this moment.
Pei Ji's heart was in turmoil and he didn't dare to move at all until Luo Zhaohan gently rubbed his palm and a crystal tear slid down his soft and warm cheek.
When Pei Ji saw this scene, he could no longer suppress the love in his heart. He gently and reverently wiped away Luo Zhaohan's tears.
At this moment, in addition to the joy in my heart, there is also an indescribable glory.
"Miss Luo, I am truly blessed by my past life to be able to receive your favor."
Luo Zhaohan's eyes were filled with tears and he shook his head gently.
She was the one who should have said this.
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