【23】What we fear is the possibility of disappointment, not the bad outcome.
The game ended, and it was already past 9:30. They had to get up early the next day, so they dispersed to the bathrooms. Liang Zhiyao had assumed the two restrooms were separated by gender, but one was in the master bedroom, naturally occupied by Cheng Yan and Liu Siyan. She didn't feel comfortable knocking on the door to disturb them, so she and Tan Xu had to use the guest bathroom. "Ladies first?" he asked. "You go first," Liang Zhiyao said. "I need to answer some emails for the class I'm teaching as an assistant. I'll go back later." "Okay," he nodded, then suddenly asked, "Can I borrow some shampoo? I forgot it." "Oh... wait a minute then." She went into her bedroom and rummaged through her suitcase, then came out and handed the item to Tan Xu. About ten minutes later, there was a knock on the door. The moment Liang Zhiyao opened it, she was greeted by a waft of citrus aroma. People who live for a basic living don't usually have preferences for shampoo brands or scents; they usually buy whatever's cheap or on sale. This one actually worked fine, but the scent was too strong, especially right after washing and before drying. The familiar scent on the other person made her feel even more uneasy. It felt a bit like territory being invaded, a boundary being breached—very subtle. Tan Xu, towel in hand, wiped his hair as he said to her, "I'm done. The water pressure in this old house seems a bit unstable. It might get cold in the middle, but it'll warm up again soon." His hair was still dripping, and his shoulders and T-shirt were soaked in spots. "...I know, thank you." Liang Zhiyao instinctively avoided her gaze, lowered her head, and slammed the door shut. By the time she finished washing, turned off the lights, and went to bed, it was almost eleven o'clock. She had drunk two beers while gaming that night, and had relived the long-awaited experience of sleeping in her own bedroom. She should have gotten a good night's sleep, but for some reason, she tossed and turned on the overly soft mattress in her Airbnb, unable to fall asleep. It was as if she had suddenly realized that life's experiences weren't evenly distributed across time. She'd experienced more in the past few months than in the past two years, and more in this week than in the past few months. The good and the bad all mixed together, leaving her feeling uneasy. After finally falling asleep, Liang Zhiyao woke up again at around six in the morning. It wasn't dawn yet, but she was already feeling very sleepy. She'd originally planned to get up around seven, so sleeping back in at this hour would have seemed awkward. She simply washed up, put on her coat, and headed outside to watch the sunrise. Two wicker chairs sat in the dim courtyard. Liang Zhiyao...
The game ended at half past nine. They had to get up early the next day, so they all went to the bathroom to take a shower.
Liang Zhiyao originally thought that the two bathrooms were separated by gender, but one of them was in the master bedroom and was naturally occupied by Cheng Yan and Liu Siyan.
She was too embarrassed to knock on the door and disturb them, so she and Tan Xu had to use the guest bathroom together.
"Ladies first?" he asked.
"You go ahead and use it first," Liang Zhiyao said. "I need to answer some emails for the class I'm a teaching assistant for, so I'll go back later."
"Okay," he nodded, and suddenly asked, "Can I borrow some shampoo from you? I forgot to bring it."
"Oh...wait a moment then."
She went into her bedroom and rummaged through her suitcase, then came out and handed the things to Tan Xu.
About ten minutes later, there was a knock on the door. The moment Liang Zhiyao opened the door, he was greeted by a burst of citrus fragrance.
People who are just trying to make ends meet don't usually have a preference for shampoo brands or scents; they usually buy whatever's cheap or on sale. This one is actually okay, but the scent is too strong, especially right after washing but before blow-drying.
Compared to this, the familiar smell on the other person made her feel even more uncomfortable.
It's a bit like territory being invaded or boundaries being broken, very subtle.
Tan Xu held a towel in his hand and wiped his hair while saying to her, "I'm done. The water pressure in this old house seems to be unstable. It might suddenly get cold in the middle, but it will soon get hot again."
His hair was still dripping with water, and his shoulders and T-shirt on his chest were also wet in several spots.
“…I understand. Thank you.”
Liang Zhiyao subconsciously avoided eye contact, lowered his head, responded, and closed the door.
By the time she finished washing up, turned off the lights and went to bed, it was almost eleven o'clock.
I drank two bottles of beer while playing games that night, and relived the sleeping experience of a separate bedroom for the first time in a long time. I should have had a good night's sleep, but for some reason I tossed and turned on the overly soft mattress of Airbnb and couldn't fall asleep.
It's as if I suddenly realized that life's experiences aren't evenly distributed across time. I've experienced more in the past few months than I did in the past two years, and more this week than I did in the past few months. The good and the bad all combined make it hard to settle.
After finally falling asleep, Liang Zhiyao woke up again at around six in the morning.
It was still dark, but she was already feeling less sleepy. She had originally planned to get up around seven, so sleeping in would be awkward. She simply washed up, put on her coat, and headed outside to watch the sunrise.
There were two rattan chairs in the dim courtyard. Liang Zhiyao walked closer and found that there was already someone sitting there.
When Tan Xu heard her footsteps, he turned around with a look of surprise on his face.
"You're here so early?" they both asked in unison.
She said, "I just woke up suddenly and planned to watch the sunrise. What are you doing?"
"I can't sleep either," he said self-deprecatingly. "I have a lot of problems and I'm very particular about my bed."
There were still more than 20 minutes before the sunrise time shown in the weather forecast. Liang Zhiyao sat down on another rattan chair and found that there was even a pot of coffee on the small stone table next to him, emitting hot steam, which seemed to have been brewed not long ago.
He is probably a person who enjoys life and never gets tired of it. Airbnb is very poor, with only an old-fashioned machine that costs $15 and requires filter paper to extract coffee powder, but he still made a pot of coffee, which looks very impressive at first glance.
Seeing Liang Zhiyao sitting next to him, he returned to the room and took out a short white porcelain cup and also brought out his own scarf.
"It's too cold in the morning. If you don't mind, put it on." He handed over the dark gray scarf without saying a word.
Liang Zhiyao hesitated for a moment, then wrapped his scarf around her neck twice. The material was very comfortable and not prickly. She subconsciously sniffed it, but she didn't smell the usual perfume, only the scent of the fabric itself.
Tan Xu filled the newly added cup with a dark liquid that had little grease. Thinking of the answer he'd given last night, he jokingly said, "Our conditions are limited. We don't have cappuccino, so I can only make do with this."
She took a sip of the bland coffee and said with a smile, "You're worrying too much. Even though I work in a coffee shop, I don't really care about this. I often just need a boost of coffee after being exhausted from classes or work. Even if it's the best coffee beans in the shop, I often chug a whole cup in two minutes. It's really wasteful."
"From your description, it sounds more like taking Chinese medicine. Do you put a piece of rock sugar in your mouth after drinking a cup to remove the bitterness?"
"That's not the case. In fact, the coffee in our shop is still very fragrant." She suddenly paused, "...It's a pity that I won't have the chance to drink it in the future."
She had finally "escaped" from the rumors and the troubles of unemployment, and should have been concentrating on enjoying the beautiful scenery, but she accidentally was reminded of the past and felt a little annoyed.
It's like a tired worker who asks for leave to travel but encounters bad weather. This two-day and one-night road trip is already too luxurious in her life now, and she shouldn't waste it like chugging a cup of coffee in two minutes.
Even if I continue to worry about it when I go back tomorrow, I should at least put these worries aside now.
The dim courtyard gradually brightened up. Although it was not yet sunrise, the morning light was already brewing.
They drank coffee quietly for a while. Halfway through, Tan Xu asked her a question she hadn't expected: "Liang Zhiyao—why is your name?"
"ha?"
"Looking at the literal meaning, it sounds like 'going far away.'" He smiled faintly, "Then your parents' wish has probably been fulfilled. After all, this place is halfway around the world from China, which is pretty far away."
"Your interpretation is quite interesting. It feels... quite romantic?" she said. "Unfortunately, the truth is usually not very romantic—the word '至' here isn't a verb, it's an adjective. '至遥' means 'the farthest place.'"
"Then why is it called 'The Farthest Place'?"
She thought for a moment and then asked, "Do you know that Tang Dynasty poem called 'Eight Zhi'? The one with two 'zhi' in each line?"
After asking, she remembered that for someone who is studying in high school in the United States, it seems that we cannot expect him to have too much knowledge of ancient poetry, especially since this is not a well-known and must-memorize piece, and only a few people know it.
Sure enough, Tan Xu answered her: "I probably haven't heard of it."
"That's not important," she said. "Anyway, there's these two lines in it: 'The east and the west are the closest, the east and the west are the farthest; the husband and wife are the closest, the husband and wife are the most distant.'"
She continued, "My mom gave birth to me a week early while my dad was on a business trip in the US. This incident made my mom very sad and she couldn't get over it for a long time. After I was born, she was reading Tang poetry in the hospital bed and came across this poem. It just hit home, so she named me this out of spite. It's because my dad was 'farthest away' when she needed him the most."
Tan Xu listened to her quietly without saying a word, and even forgot to drink the coffee in his hand.
"Doesn't that sound quite pessimistic? Even though we're the closest people, we're still two different individuals. In the end, I only have myself to rely on. That's probably how it feels."
"The funniest thing is, my mom later confided in me—it was a secret few knew. They actually had a very good relationship, and she later regretted naming me in such a somewhat complaining way. But no one else, not even my dad, knew how the name came about. They all thought it meant 'going far away,' just like you did," she said with a laugh. "Because it had a nice meaning and a pleasant tone, everyone approved of the name, and it was already on paper before she even regretted it."
In her impression, Tan Xu is a person who often makes comments - many people mainly talk about facts when chatting and do not make value judgments, but he has a casual feeling that he is not afraid to make subjective comments at any time.
This is a social habit that can only be formed over the years by people who have been pampered since childhood, because they are in the superior position in the relationship most of the time. Therefore, high emotional intelligence is just an ornament that is displayed when needed to enhance the quality of upbringing, but it is not necessary for survival.
But this time he did not make any comments, but just said solemnly: "Thank you for sharing this secret with me."
The sun was about to rise from the horizon, and a little bit of thin light shone from the east, which warmed his expression and his vague outline gradually became clear.
Liang Zhiyao, feeling a rare urge to engage in a conversation, turned to him and asked, "What about you? Why are you called 'Tan Xu'?"
"My name was chosen randomly, there's no story behind it," he said with a laugh. "They bought a really thick ancient Chinese dictionary, over 1,000 pages, and then they flipped to the page corresponding to my birthday and found the most pleasing and least obscure word in it – a bit shocking, isn't it?"
"...It's actually quite interesting?" She suppressed a laugh. "It saves time and effort, and at first glance, the meaning seems quite good. If I didn't know the truth, I'd definitely come up with several good explanations."
"Like what?" He wondered what else she could come up with for such a dull word.
"For example... don't many books have a 'preface' written at the very beginning?" she suddenly thought. "So this word has the meaning of 'preface' or 'beginning'? It's quite mysterious, right?"
"Mystery?"
"Well, let's put it this way," Liang Zhiyao lowered his head and took a sip of coffee, "The 'preface' is always written at the beginning. You can understand it as if there will be more exciting content later on."
This shouldn't be considered far-fetched. Just like him, after knowing him for a long time, I feel that he is different from the initial impression I had, and sometimes he is hard to understand.
Tan Xu raised his eyebrows. "Are you sure computer science is the best major for you? Maybe business school would be a better choice."
She laughed: "What does that mean?"
"Being able to present the same thing from different perspectives is a kind of sales talent, I guess. When I saw my name before, the first thing I thought of was 'order' or something like that, which I thought was boring. It seems even more outrageous when I learned how it was chosen. With your interpretation, the name has become much more interesting."
"Even 'order' is good."
Perhaps because his brain wasn't fully awake yet in the early morning, Liang Zhiyao felt he was talking more than usual and could keep talking about anything. "At least for someone like me, a sense of order is very important."
"What kind of person is 'someone like you'?" Tan Xu asked. "Someone who is particularly afraid of uncertainty?"
"...I guess so." She suddenly lost her temper and answered dryly.
"Actually, I've never understood it," he added the remaining coffee in the pot to two short porcelain cups. "You would be afraid that a dish you're interested in would not taste good, but when you encounter some sudden setbacks, you can still make a joke and have the courage to pause everything and relax. Although I have encountered such a big problem in the past six months..." He paused, and the edge of the sun was already faintly visible on the horizon.
"...But you're not completely paralyzed by fear. On the contrary, you seem to be able to counter any attack." His gaze shifted again. "At first glance, isn't that quite contradictory?"
She rarely heard Tan Xu speak such a long paragraph. Although he was far from being frugal with words, he rarely spoke in such a rapid-fire manner.
"How should I put it... have you ever had that kind of experience?" Liang Zhiyao pondered. "I remember when I was in high school, I had to give an English speech in front of hundreds of people. I was so nervous that I couldn't sleep the night before. But once I got on stage and stood in front of the microphone, I wasn't so nervous anymore."
"I guess I understand," he said.
"Once something happens, even if the outcome is terrible, I seem to be able to accept it. As long as I figure things out, I can adapt quickly to any established situation." She bit her lip and summarized her personality traits. "Perhaps people like me are particularly afraid of uncertainty itself, the possibility of unfulfilled expectations, rather than a bad outcome."
The temperature was still too low in the early morning. She was wrapped in a coat and his scarf and wore boots, but she didn't feel cold. Only her ears, which were exposed outside, were frozen red.
They were silent for a while, and she thought the topic was over, but she didn't expect Tan Xu to suddenly speak again.
"Or maybe you don't have to be afraid at all. You're much more capable than you think."
He suddenly stretched out his arm. Although Liang Zhiyao didn't understand what he was going to do, he subconsciously didn't want to dodge.
Then two warm hands suddenly covered her red ears, one on each side. The cold and hot mixed together, gradually becoming a temperature between the two.
At the same time, my heart began to beat wildly and unsteadily.
The moment their eyes met, the corners of his eyes suddenly turned upwards, and he gently turned her head to face the east, with a teasing tone.
"He said he wanted to watch the sunrise. If he doesn't watch it now, it will be gone."
Author's Note
Reversible light path
author
07-19
As for whether Tan Gou really forgot to bring shampoo, everyone has their own opinions -w-
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