【28】Competitiveness, sense of superiority, desire to conquer
It was already past eleven o'clock at night, but Liang Zhiyao had just experienced a mock interview that challenged the limits of social anxiety. She was not sleepy at all at the moment, and asked Tan Xu curiously: "You are drinking coffee now, will you be able to sleep later?" "It's okay, I'm not very sensitive to caffeine." "That's good. I once ate too much tiramisu at night and couldn't sleep until two o'clock. Later I found out that it contained espresso." She smiled, "Just now when I was doing a mock interview with you, I suddenly remembered that I did something similar with my parents when I was in elementary school." "Mock interview?" "No, there are no interviews for kids," she shook her head, "They didn't have their own business at that time, they were all working in foreign companies. One time, on a whim, they said that we would change the dinner time at home to chatting in English so that I could practice speaking." "Then what?" "I couldn't hold on for the third day," she smiled, "I would speak back to Chinese if I wasn't careful. Especially when we talked about my basketball skills, what techniques the coach taught me today, and how I performed. It took me several minutes to look up the electronic dictionary to finish a sentence, and the food was cold." He found what he heard interesting and asked, "Speaking of this - how did you come up with the idea of learning snooker? As a hobby, it's quite unpopular." "It's quite unpopular," she agreed. "One summer vacation, my parents took me to a nearby city for a few days, but the weather was bad and it rained for several days in a row. There was a pool table in the homestay, and I played every day. I found it really fun, and when I got home, I pestered them if they could change the dance class I had just signed up for to billiards." "Those few years happened to be the year when there was a craze for snooker champions in China. My dad had a college classmate who was a billiards enthusiast, so he really helped me find a coach. I like hobbies that are a bit competitive, but my physical strength is not that good, so playing billiards is just right for me." "And then... I really studied for over a decade, and I made a few friends I could play basketball with regularly. Playing basketball is like recharging my batteries for me, especially soothing when I'm stressed. My sophomore year of high school, preparing for the TOEFL and SAT, my parents gently suggested I give up all my hobbies. But then, seeing how I slumped on weekends, they couldn't bear it and went back to my work-and-play routine." Seeing Tan Xu's lack of response, she stopped abruptly: "Uh, did I say too much?" She wasn't a talkative person, rarely gushing, but talking about basketball was an exception. "No," he chuckled and shook his head. "I just felt a little envious, and I didn't know what to say." "Envy?" she asked, puzzled. "Envy of me?" "Yes," he said. "Knowing that you like...
It was past eleven at night, but Liang Zhiyao, fresh from a mock interview that challenged his social anxiety to its limits, wasn't feeling sleepy at all. Curiously, he asked Tan Xu, "You're drinking coffee now. Will you be able to sleep later?"
"It's okay, I'm not very sensitive to caffeine."
"That's great. I once ate too much tiramisu and couldn't sleep until two in the morning. Later I realized it contained espresso." She laughed. "Just now, while I was doing a mock interview with you, it suddenly occurred to me that I actually did something similar with my parents in elementary school."
"Mock interview?"
"No, kids don't have interviews," she shook her head. "They didn't have their own business back then, they were all working for foreign companies. One day, on a whim, they suggested we change our dinner time to English chats so I could practice speaking."
"Then what?"
"I couldn't hold out on the third day," she laughed. "I'd slip back into Chinese if I wasn't careful. Especially when we were talking about my soccer training, what techniques the coach taught me today, and how I performed. I'd have to look up a sentence in the electronic dictionary for several minutes before I could finish it. By the time I'd finished, the food was cold."
He found it interesting and asked, "Speaking of which—how did you come up with the idea of learning snooker? As a hobby, it's pretty unpopular."
"It's quite unpopular," she agreed. "One summer vacation, my parents took me to a nearby city for a few days, but the weather was bad and it rained for several days straight. There was a pool table in the guesthouse, and I played every day. I found it really fun. When I got home, I pestered them if they could switch the dance class I had just signed up for to billiards."
"During those years, there was a snooker championship craze in China. My dad had a college classmate who was a billiards enthusiast, so he helped me find a coach. I like hobbies that are a bit competitive, but I'm not very physically fit, so billiards is just the right thing for me."
"And then... I really studied for over a decade, and I made a few friends I could play basketball with regularly. Playing basketball is like recharging my batteries, especially soothing when I'm stressed. During my sophomore year of high school, preparing for the TOEFL and SAT, my parents gently suggested I give up all my hobbies. But then, seeing how I slumped on weekends, they couldn't bear it and went back to my work-life balance."
Seeing that Tan Xu didn't respond, she stopped talking abruptly: "Uh, did I say too much?"
She is not a talkative person and rarely talks so much, except when talking about playing basketball.
"No," he chuckled and shook his head, "I just felt a little envious and didn't know what to say for a moment."
"Envy?" She was puzzled. "Envy me?"
"Yes," he said, "Isn't it enviable to know what you like to do and what you are passionate about? Compared to you, I don't seem to have any particularly clear goals or passions in life, and I've never tried to go all out for anything."
"Hmm...are you being too Versailles?" She tilted her head. "It might sound a bit harsh, but it's easy to think you have no goals because you've had so much since childhood. A child of destiny who says something like that is likely to get a beating."
"And oh," she added, "We didn't know each other well before, but I've discovered that you're actually quite hardworking. It doesn't seem fair to say you don't have goals or don't give your all."
When I added him on LinkedIn, I saw his GPA—it was quite good, and he'd also done internships and volunteer work during his vacations. Not to mention his glorious history of networking at five professors' office hours simultaneously—it didn't seem like he was aimless at all.
Back in high school, her deskmate was the type who boasted about playing games every day in public, then secretly stayed up late to scribble homework. While this effortless excellence was enviable, it occasionally revealed subtle signs, earning her accusations of hypocrisy. But she felt that Tan Xu was different from that deskmate. He didn't deliberately hide the effort he put into achieving his goals, but he also seemed to consider it somewhat insignificant.
"It's not Versailles," he said self-deprecatingly. "To be frank, a lot of the things I do are motivated by a superficial desire to win and a sense of superiority, you know? It's like... it's a bit like proving myself better than others. This kind of motivation isn't very healthy, and it's completely different from the sense of accomplishment you get from doing something you truly want to do."
He rarely discussed this topic with others, and he never analyzed the underlying reasons. Perhaps it stemmed from his early arrival in a foreign country as a minority, or perhaps from some form of childhood deprivation. In short, many of his seemingly commendable qualities actually had nothing to do with his passion.
Liang Zhiyao was silent for a moment, but it was because he suddenly thought of the conversation with Ye Xin last night.
She didn't lie at that time. Putting aside the initial frivolous actions, even in the recent contact as "friends", she felt that Tan Xu might not necessarily like her, and might at most be considered "interested".
She had not particularly explored the source of this interest, but when she heard him say this, she suddenly felt that it might be similar to the reason why Ye Xin reflected on why she liked Cheng Yan.
As she pondered, she couldn't help but glance at him. He sipped his coffee with a careless hand, revealing his muscular arms beneath his short-sleeved shirt. Those with broad shoulders and a well-proportioned figure actually look great in a T-shirt made of slightly stretchy material, as the perfect amount of tension often reveals the muscles beneath.
He should be well aware of his sexual charm as a man, and he always sends out signals intentionally or unintentionally. I wonder if this can be considered a bad habit of being a sea king.
So, was it because her previous attempts had been successful that she felt frustrated when she repeatedly rejected those routine advances, and developed an extra competitive spirit and desire to conquer?
The more I think about it, the more reasonable it seems.
"Why aren't you talking?" Tan Xu asked her.
"…Sorry, I was a little distracted."
Of course, he couldn't reveal everything he was thinking. Liang Zhiyao gathered his thoughts and asked him nonchalantly, "Are the two motivations you mentioned so different? Everyone has a competitive spirit. I don't think there's anything shameful about wanting to surpass others."
"There is a difference," he said. "If you're motivated by pure competitiveness and a sense of superiority, achieving your goals will make you happy, but it's inevitable that you'll feel quite empty. And there's no end to this kind of comparison, because there will always be someone better than you. You have to keep raising your threshold to continue to feel a sense of accomplishment, and eventually, you'll run out of steam."
This statement was so sincere that she could no longer answer him perfunctorily.
"I understand what you're saying, but I'm not really good at comforting people..." She thought for a moment, "But at least you're trying to find something you're passionate about, right? Like, choosing a second major."
"I guess so," he said noncommittally. "I didn't dislike studying finance, but I couldn't say I loved it that much either. I just wanted to learn more about programming, but it only made it clearer that I didn't want to be a coder anymore."
She chuckled. "You remind me of a senior who studied business administration. Their majors have a lot of uncertainty about career paths. She said that every time she did an internship, the most valuable experience she gained was, 'I'll never work in this industry or position after I graduate.'"
He laughed and said, "Most people are like this. You're really being too Versailles. You really love writing code, right? I can tell."
"...That's true." She nodded.
For someone like her who regards a sense of order as her life creed, the challenges encountered as a programmer are basically within expectations. She can just learn when she encounters something she doesn't know. Even if she occasionally ventures outside her comfort zone, she can quickly handle it. She has a sense of accomplishment without needing to be a good social person.
Tan Xu lowered his head to drink coffee, and the air suddenly became silent for more than ten seconds.
Liang Zhiyao noticed the topic was getting a bit serious, or perhaps the other party was in a bad mood, so he unconsciously wanted to lighten the atmosphere, so he joked with him: "After knowing each other for so long, I find that sometimes you seem to suddenly switch to such a serious style. I'm not used to it."
It would have been fine if she hadn't said it, but as soon as she said it, it was as if some magical switch in Tan Xu was accidentally triggered. His peach blossom eyes narrowed and he stared at her with a smile.
"What's wrong?" Her throat felt dry for some reason.
He held the empty coffee in his hand, tilted the paper cup, turned his head ninety degrees, and whispered to Liang Zhiyao almost in her ear: "What you mean is - you actually prefer the nonsensical time, right?"
The surroundings were so quiet that you could hear a pin drop, and his breathing and that familiar cold fragrance could be felt in my ears.
Liang Zhiyao felt a sudden tightness at the back of her neck, her heartbeat pounding as if she'd drunk coffee herself. She suddenly realized that he was still the same Tan Xu she'd been when they'd first met, though he'd often temporarily suppressed the parts of his personality that made her feel dangerous. But he wouldn't hide them forever. Occasionally, as if by accident, he'd reveal them, then calmly observe her reaction.
But after Liang Zhiyao saw his gentle side, it was difficult for her to face his aggressiveness with indifference, which was the same as before.
Tan Xu's pupils were very dark, and when they looked into each other's eyes, they gave the illusion that they were about to slip into the abyss. She stared at him for two seconds, and suddenly her ears felt hot, and she couldn't look straight.
The next second she quickly pulled away and stood up from the sofa: "...Don't make such a joke."
He didn't say anything, but continued to curl the corners of his lips and stare at her slowly. Liang Zhiyao discovered that the gaze also had heat. Sometimes, just being stared at made her feel a burning sensation on her cheeks.
She couldn't stay here any longer, so she grabbed the stack of printed papers from the sofa and threw them into her bag. She said to him quickly and vaguely, "I'm going upstairs. Good night."
>>
This kind of life, where I could only sleep more than six hours a day and was like a war, lasted for several days, but I finally got through it.
I have to admit that the two mock interviews with Tan Xu were incredibly effective. On one hand, they were a bit like desensitization therapy, making her less nervous when she actually went on stage. On the other hand, it was simply practice that made her perfect. Although she was somewhat awkward with the language, people appreciate being respected. Simply reciting a scripted account of one's experiences can make the interviewer feel a lack of sincerity and confidence. After practice, she appeared more natural and at ease, which should have left a better impression.
Even when she was asked questions she had not prepared for, she was not too flustered. She temporarily pieced together a new story based on her experiences, and the effect was quite good.
The living room is a public space, after all. Liang Zhiyao couldn't do a video interview at home, so she had to follow Tan Xu's example and book a small meeting room in the library in advance. When she left the room, she realized the entire library was empty, a stark contrast to the crowded hours before the exam.
Another roommate, Qin Lu, was a PhD student and, unfazed by midterm exams, continued to spend every day in the lab. Ye Xin, on the other hand, had surprisingly increased her time at home.
This was not only because she had to review for the exam, but also because she was in a period where she was extremely bored when talking about relationships between men and women. She had no interest in going out on dates and rejected most of the invitations she received in recent days.
When Liang Zhiyao returned home, she was sitting on the sofa in a daze, holding a cup of coffee that was no longer steaming.
"You're back. How was the interview?"
"It should be OK. I'll do my best and leave the rest to fate," she shrugged. "If it doesn't work out, I'll just look for another part-time job."
"If... I mean if, things don't go well," Ye Xin looked her in the eyes and said seriously, "You must tell me. Although I'm just a person who relies on my parents for living expenses and can't survive on my own, I can't just watch my best friend with nowhere to go and remain indifferent."
Hearing this, Liang Zhiyao felt a bit complicated, surprised and touched at the same time. He had a lot to say, but in the end he didn't choose any response that would spoil the mood or make the atmosphere more solemn. He just looked at the other person seriously and said, "Okay."
At that time, Ye Xin knew what happened in her family at the first time. After all, a person's sudden change from material abundance to extreme poverty is difficult to escape the attention of roommates who live with them day and night. Liang Zhiyao never thought of hiding it from her.
She searched social networks for the self-help experiences of international students who had defaulted on their mortgage payments. Although there wasn't much information, there were indeed one or two long articles that were very useful. They mentioned some unpopular scholarship and grant applications, how to save money on daily consumption, common part-time jobs, and the channels through which such opportunities could be found.
One of the people who shared their experiences was able to graduate with the financial support of a trusting and generous friend. It was a very touching experience.
But in Liang Zhiyao's heart, money shouldn't be involved between friends. When one of them does something that almost saves the other's fate, it becomes increasingly difficult for this friendship to maintain its original innocence.
What's more, great favors can also lead to great hatred. There are many examples of people becoming psychologically unbalanced and turning against each other because of excessive favors that are difficult to repay. She is even more unwilling to go through these tests of human nature with her best friend.
The atmosphere was a bit heavy, so she changed her tone to a lighter one: "You're sitting on the sofa in a daze with such a deep hatred, are you thinking about how to save me?"
"You wish," Ye Xin rolled her eyes, "I'm having a crush on someone."
This was beyond Liang Zhiyao's expectation: "Why, there are still men who can interest you now?"
"That must not be a mediocre girl," she said with a bit of excitement and a bit of hesitation: "Did you know that Cheng Yan and Liu Siyan broke up?"
"ha?"
Ye Xin had to admit guiltily that since the two started dating a month ago, she seemed to have let it go, but from time to time she would find it difficult to stop and check out their Instagram and WeChat homepages.
Previously, the cover backgrounds of the Moments used by these two people were intimate photos, but today they suddenly changed back to landscape photos and cute puppies, making the fact of their breakup obvious.
Liang Zhiyao was more shocked by Ye Xin's actions than by Cheng Yan and Liu Siyan's quick breakup after just one month of dating. The fact that such a beautiful woman would actually spy on the social media accounts of her secret crush and current girlfriend made her feel somewhat disappointed.
"Didn't you say before that you had given up long ago? You acted so calm and collected, but in the end you just lied to me."
"...I admit I was a bit stubborn at the time," Ye Xin's voice lacked confidence, but her eyes sparkled. "But this is indeed the first time I've been so interested in someone."
"Didn't you say a few days ago that your interest in him was all driven by a desire to win?"
Ye Xin blushed slightly: "Actually, I'm not sure... It's hard to tell the difference anyway. How can I know if I don't try?"
Now Liang Zhiyao had no choice but to surrender. When she saw Ye Xin looking at her like that, she felt that all her principles could be compromised.
She sighed and said, "I suddenly feel that everything I said before was wrong."
"What?"
"Like, how to approach someone without seeming forced, what topics to choose that won't reveal your true feelings," she recalled the conversation they'd had at Liu Siyan's birthday party a few weeks ago. "Those were all based on self-protection. They were rational, but also meaningless. Someone with a higher skill level might even see them as a cover-up. Most importantly, maybe you're not afraid of getting hurt at all."
Maybe the other person just wants to have a relationship as he or she pleases, and doesn't care about the "decency" that she carefully maintains.
"I'm scared too," Ye Xin said, biting her lip, "but I can't help it. Maybe it's human nature to not turn back until you hit the wall. I don't set high standards for myself and don't want to go against human nature."
"So I think I was wrong before," she said with a smile, "I'm a very timid person. I always consider whether I can get out of anything safely first. If the risk of failure is too great, I would rather not give up the reward of success. But you are not me. You are free to follow your heart and act -"
She blinked and said, "Like you said before, if you live too rationally, it will be boring."
Author's Note
Reversible light path
author
07-27
Tan Gou tries to reveal his true feelings, but the heroine's thoughts wander elsewhere. The revolution hasn't yet succeeded, so comrades must continue their efforts. Speaking of which, the Shanghai Snooker Masters kicks off on Monday, July 28th! Interested parties can check it out; Director Ding and newly crowned World Champion Zhao Xintong will both be in attendance.
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