【40】This behavior not only represents intimacy, but also possession.
After dinner, Tan Xu, out of a healthy conscience, neatly cleared the table, washing the lunch box and cutlery. Liang Zhiyao still found the atmosphere a bit strange. After all this, he made no move to leave. Instead, he pulled his laptop from his backpack and, unconcerned, sat down at the table and began to work. Seeing her hesitate, he sympathetically said, "If you want to sleep, tell me, and I'll leave." "..." Faced with his overbearing, yet insistent attitude, Liang Zhiyao suddenly felt like a headless fly, at a loss for what to do. She'd had a nap in the morning and wasn't feeling particularly sleepy. Of course, Tan Xu couldn't know whether she was sleeping or doing something else while she was home, but Liang Zhiyao had just been caught in a lie and didn't want to lie to the same person a second time. Being sick wasn't the right time to overthink, so she simply accepted his presence and sat down on the sofa, opening her laptop. If she remembered correctly, the UK Snooker Championship was being broadcast live in the next few days. If she hadn't suddenly fallen ill, she had planned to spend her Thanksgiving break studying, working part-time, and watching the matches. It was just past noon, evening in England, and the day's matches were drawing to a close, but the score was deadlocked, suggesting they'd likely continue for at least a while. Her Bluetooth headphones, seemingly unused for a while, were dead. After clicking play, the English commentary piped up through her computer speakers. "Are you watching the game?" Tan Xu looked up suddenly. "The British Championship?" "Yes," she nodded. "They're just broadcasting the final stage of the semifinals." "Let's watch it together." He closed his computer, rose from the dining table, and sat down on the sofa next to Liang Zhiyao, seemingly unconcerned. Liang Zhiyao felt that this wasn't right—they were so close, it was cold, and the windows were closed, so the flu virus would surely spread more freely. She quietly moved aside, but he quickly followed suit. Tan Xu glanced sideways at her. "Do you have a privacy screen on your computer? I can't see the screen from this distance." Their bodies were almost touching, his breath pressing against hers, making Liang Zhiyao feel uneasy. Tan Xu, however, naturally shifted half the weight of Liang Zhiyao's MacBook from her lap to himself, and even joked bluntly, "This computer is hotter than when you have a high fever." She was unconvinced: "...You insisted on coming over to take a look, so you have no right to complain." Both players were world-ranked...
After the meal, Tan Xu, out of a sense of health, cleaned the table neatly and washed the lunch box and tableware.
Liang Zhiyao still felt the atmosphere was a bit strange. After all this, he showed no intention of leaving. Instead, he took out his laptop from his backpack, sat down at the dining table, and began to work on his own things, oblivious to the surroundings.
Seeing her hesitation, he said sympathetically, "If you want to sleep, tell me and I'll leave."
“…”
Faced with his domineering and willful attitude, Liang Zhiyao suddenly felt like a headless fly, at a loss as to what to do.
She had taken a nap in the morning and wasn't feeling very sleepy. Of course, Tan Xu couldn't possibly know whether she was sleeping or doing something else when she was at home, but Liang Zhiyao had just been caught lying and didn't want to lie to the same person a second time.
It was not appropriate to think too much when she was sick, so she simply accepted his presence and sat on the sofa and turned on her computer.
If she remembered correctly, the Snooker UK Championship was being broadcast live these days. If she hadn't suddenly fallen ill, she would have planned to spend her Thanksgiving holiday studying, working part-time, and watching the games.
It was just past noon, evening in England, and the end of the day's game, but the scores between the two teams were deadlocked, and it looked like they would have to fight on for at least a while longer.
Her Bluetooth headset had probably not been used for a while and was out of battery. After clicking play, the English commentary came directly from the computer speakers.
"Are you watching the game?" Tan Xu looked up suddenly when he heard the voice. "The British Championship?"
"Yeah," she nodded, "It just so happens that the last stage of the semi-finals is being broadcast live."
"Let's watch it together."
He closed his computer, stood up from the dining table, and sat on the sofa next to Liang Zhiyao, as if he didn't think there was anything wrong with it.
Liang Zhiyao felt that this didn't seem right—they were so close, it was cold, and the windows were closed, so the flu virus would definitely spread more freely. She quietly moved to the side, but he quickly followed suit.
Tan Xu glanced at her sideways, "Do you have a privacy screen protector on your computer? I can't see the screen from such a distance."
Their bodies were almost touching, his breath was approaching, and Liang Zhiyao felt a little uneasy.
Tan Xu, however, naturally shifted half the weight of Liang Zhiyao's MacBook from her legs to himself, and even joked bluntly: "This computer is hotter than when you have a high fever."
She was not convinced when she heard this: "...You insisted on coming over to see it, so you have no right to complain."
Both players were among the world's top players, and this was a crucial match, so the video showed a packed house. This was Liang Zhiyao's first time watching a live snooker match with others, and since they all played, they could chat occasionally, which was indeed more interesting than watching it alone.
At the start of a new game, Tan Xu suddenly said, "Does this opening shot resemble the one we played last time?"
The cue ball brought out three red balls, one of which had a long, uncertain landing. The scene was indeed familiar. However, this ball was more difficult than the one Liang Zhiyao finally chose to hit. The player on the live broadcast did not attack recklessly, but instead made a beautiful defensive shot.
"It's a bit like that," she suddenly couldn't help laughing. "At that time, I had a strong desire to win. Like a reckless man, I attacked directly at the first opportunity. Luckily, I got lucky."
"It's not a fluke, it's because you play well," he said enthusiastically, "When you recover, let's go play ball again."
"I want to fight too. The main reason is... I'm short of money and can't afford the fees."
"The loser gets to pay the show fee," he laughed. "Are you afraid you can't beat me?"
She wasn't fooled: "Your provocation isn't obvious at all, really."
There was a wonderful pocket goal during the live broadcast, and the audience burst into applause.
Liang Zhiyao thought the topic was over and continued to concentrate on watching the game, but she didn't expect Tan Xu to think for a moment and ask her: "Financial issues...are there any other ways? For example, apply for a scholarship or something."
"I've inquired before, and the school replied that they don't have any scholarships available for international students, and that loans from outside the school also require citizens or green card holders."
"So what are you going to do next semester?" he asked again. "I did a rough calculation. Even with the internship salary, it's still going to be hard to save enough for tuition."
Liang Zhiyao thought for a moment and said, "After negotiation, the school agreed that I can pay in installments or deferred. If I keep doing what I'm doing now and do some odd jobs, I should be able to make it through my junior year. By the time I'm a senior... I'll think of another way."
At this point, she smiled again. "So you really helped me a lot. If it weren't for this internship, I might not even have the hope of making it through the next semester. I'll make up for that meal next week when I get paid and I'm well again. Don't fight with me this time."
"Really?" Tan Xu smiled noncommittally.
Judging from her recent attitude of avoiding me, it would be more likely that she was planning to run away.
At first, he thought Liang Zhiyao was just too busy, but after so many times, he vaguely felt that she seemed to be avoiding him. When he caught her lie this morning, he was instantly disappointed and angry, but in the end, he found that he had no right to question her.
But at this moment, seeing her talking about her difficult tuition plan with a sick look, he lost all his temper and only felt distressed.
What would happen if he could just tell her all his feelings and desires honestly and give her the power to judge him?
He thought so, although his eyes were still looking at the computer screen, he had been distracted for a long time without realizing it. When he wanted to speak to break the silence, he suddenly felt the weight of her head on his shoulder. He turned his head and couldn't help laughing.
Liang Zhiyao's computer is indeed a bit old. It always gets hot when playing videos for a long time, and it also produces a resonance similar to white noise. Combined with the heating in the room, it makes people feel lazy.
The drowsiness after lunch mixed with the lack of energy caused by illness made her feel a little listless again.
The previous game, in particular, had been relatively quick and decisive, but in this one, due to match point, both sides were cautious, and the game dragged on for a long time in a stalemate, with neither side gaining a significant advantage. This prolonged defensive battle was actually quite dull, and even the commentators seemed a bit lazy, chatting away in a disjointed manner.
Due to a combination of factors, she struggled for a while like a chicken pecking at rice, and then fell asleep while watching the game.
In fact, only a short time passed from the time she closed her eyes to the time she woke up, perhaps less than a minute, and her score remained at the same level as before she fell asleep. However, this was not the most important thing - the important thing was that when she woke up, she found her head resting on Tan Xu's shoulder.
They had barely been at a distance from each other just now, but now Tan Xu's arms were pressed tightly against hers. His shoulders were broad, more than enough for her head.
The blood rushed to her head. It was said that people with a fever could hardly feel that their bodies were hot, but the experience of her cheeks burning with irritation was so real that she began to question this theory.
She embarrassed herself in front of this man again.
"Aren't you shy anymore?" Before she could come up with a plan, she noticed the weight shift on her shoulders. Tan Xu smiled faintly and tilted his head, his breath gently puffing on her forehead from a very close distance. "Didn't you say you couldn't sleep when I was around? So besides lying about being away on vacation, you're also lying about this?"
Liang Zhiyao hurriedly moved to the side, and after a long while, he said "I'm sorry" with a red face.
"What are you apologizing for?" Tan Xu suddenly grabbed her wrist, forcing her to look him in the eye. "Is it just that you accidentally fell asleep on my shoulder, or that you've been trying to find all sorts of excuses to avoid me?"
The deception he thought he had gotten away with was brought up again, and Liang Zhiyao was speechless: "I..."
"No matter what it is, there's no need to apologize." His tone suddenly became gentle again, and he used his eyes to indicate that she didn't need to explain. "Especially if it's about the first thing, no one would be unhappy if someone they like leaned on them, right?"
"……What's the meaning?"
The voice trembled inexplicably. Liang Zhiyao suddenly felt very nervous at this moment. The feeling of his heart beating like a drum was even stronger than when he had a high fever.
She clearly understood, but she kept asking, perhaps just subconsciously wanting a more direct confirmation.
"It's just what you heard," Tan Xu looked at her calmly, "Because I like you, so if it's you, it's a very happy thing to have someone lean on your shoulder. There's no need to apologize."
Liang Zhiyao could hear her heartbeat nearly stalling. She was speechless at Tan Xu's sudden, direct approach. Her previously constructed defenses, caught off guard by the attack, were unable to function. So, she foolishly blurted out what she was thinking, "...Are you the Tan Xu I know?"
Tan Xu wasn't supposed to be like this. He should have been beating around the bush, never getting to the point, yet still letting people speculate. Whether it was a natural instinct as a finance guy or the accumulated experience of being a sea king, this was probably what he'd always preferred and excelled at, and it was also what she'd gradually learned how to deal with and defend against.
"Why, is the change too big?" He rubbed his brow in self-mockery. "Then I really should reflect on myself. Just how bad is my image that you looked so surprised when I said that."
"I admit that I used to have bad habits, or rather, I simply didn't understand what it felt like to truly like someone. I was self-righteous and always liked to set traps for the other person to fall into. This trick actually works time and time again, so it's become path dependency, but it doesn't work on you at all. As long as the words aren't explicitly stated, you can always pretend you didn't hear them and just walk away."
The game was still going on in the live broadcast, when suddenly the commentator exclaimed and the audience applauded thunderously. Perhaps there was some exciting scene, but Liang Zhiyao's attention was completely unable to be diverted to the computer screen.
"Later, I realized it wasn't going to work, so I changed my approach and slowly got closer. The more I got to know you, the more I realized how superficial my previous understanding of this matter was. But you're the kind of person who particularly hates uncertainty. As long as you feel insecure, you'll stick with the status quo. So just when I felt hopeful, I was immediately pushed away. If I continue like this, it seems I'll still reach a dead end."
"So I can only reveal all my cards. Even if I'm already hated, there's nothing I can do about it." At this point, he suddenly smiled with resignation, "Anyway, no matter what, it can't be worse than you lying to me. Lately, every day I don't see you and have no contact with you is torture for me."
The air was silent, and Liang Zhiyao felt his brain go blank after being overloaded with information, and perhaps also because of the slow functioning caused by the low fever.
Tan Xu looked at her expression which seemed moved yet at a loss, and suddenly his heart moved.
"Your face... is a little too red." He couldn't help but move closer and raised his hand to confirm, "Is it burning again?"
The back of my hand touched my forehead, but it wasn't very hot.
Realizing that she was probably just too shy, Tan Xu breathed a sigh of relief, but he couldn't politely look away for a long time, and still lingered uncontrollably on those slightly moist eyes.
After a few seconds, it moved down again as if it was possessed by a poison, swept across her equally red earlobes, and finally stopped at her slightly open lips.
Tan Xu recalled the night when they watched the total lunar eclipse together. Liang Zhiyao had the same expression at that time, but her cheeks were more stained with red because of the alcohol. But at this moment, it was because of what he had just said.
The desire that had been suppressed for so long in my heart suddenly became uncontrollable.
His hand left Liang Zhiyao's forehead, but did not retract it. Instead, it moved down to touch the hair on the side of her face, tentatively and gently stroking it.
Seeing that she didn't seem to resist, he couldn't help but push further, lowering his head slightly, gradually shortening the distance between them. Until they could feel each other's breath, her eyes finally showed a moment of panic, but she still didn't dodge back.
Their eyes met and their gazes intertwined. He originally wanted to restrain himself and wait for three seconds to give her the last time to escape, but when he counted to two in his mind, he couldn't help but kiss her.
The moment their lips touched, Liang Zhiyao felt like an electric current rising from his spine and spreading throughout his body.
She finally admitted that there were always some desires that could not be explained or suppressed rationally. Just like she hadn't thought anything through yet, yet selfishly didn't want to avoid the kiss.
Tan Xu's lips were surprisingly soft, but much cooler than hers. Liang Zhiyao quickly realized that this was because she had a low-grade fever. Her thoughts were a mess, a chaotic pile of thoughts, and she quickly wondered, is it really true that the flu won't be transmitted to him like this?
The kiss, like a dragonfly skimming the water, only stayed on the lips, a restrained temptation. Tan Xu quickly let her go in a gentlemanly manner.
"Hate it? Or like it?"
He was gentlemanly yet cunning, torturing her with this binary question, not allowing any perfunctory or ambiguous answers.
Liang Zhiyao didn't know how to answer. She felt like she was torn into two people. After a brief indulgence of desire, she was terrified. Reason took over again, but she couldn't say she hated it.
"If you didn't like me, why didn't you push me away?"
He read the complicated look on her face and realized that it contained regret. In an instant, his mood was like a roller coaster. The surprise of not being resisted during the kiss just now turned into an indescribable restlessness.
"What if I go a little further? You won't reject me either?"
Liang Zhiyao looked up in surprise.
She was pulled forward by Tan Xu, stumbling into his arms, and another kiss fell on her lips. This time the kiss was heavy and hot, obviously different from the previous one.
He crushed Liang Zhiyao's lips with a somewhat ferocious force, even licking and biting them. The composure she felt due to her lack of reaction only lasted a short time. She was caught off guard, and Tan Xu easily pried open her jaws, instantly leading to a complete collapse.
His kiss was heavy and passionate, and he used the tip of his tongue to pry open her defenses. This was a confession more powerful than words.
Liang Zhiyao had always thought that she was not a complete blank slate in terms of emotional experience, but now she vaguely realized that the previous love affair that only ended with holding hands and touching lips was probably just a shy and petty quarrel among high school students. In this deep kiss with the theme of plunder and occupation, the meaning of comparison and contrast was completely lost.
The back of her head was held by Tan Xu, her shoulders were trapped in his arms, and her tongue was stirred and even teased by him, which made her feel a little embarrassed, but also made her understand more clearly that this behavior not only represents intimacy, but also about possession.
The moment her breath was completely taken away, she felt that this was some kind of punishment, perhaps for her silence, escape, and inconsistency between her words and deeds.
Tan Xu was right. She extremely hated uncertainty, so this completely unfamiliar and unknown experience should have deterred her. However, because it aroused her biological instincts and long-suppressed desires, it exuded a dangerous charm, and finally led her into a dilemma of doing nothing.
The kiss lasted for dozens of seconds, perhaps more than a minute. Liang Zhiyao completely lost track of time, all her senses focused on experiencing Tan Xu's primitive, even rough, kissing style, or rather, his desire for her.
His kissing skills were certainly not bad, even overly skilled. Compared with her awkwardness and passivity, it was no exaggeration to say that he was teaching her. Driven by that slightly eager possessive desire, he showed her all the superb skills that a seasoned love veteran should have.
Those kisses and tongue entanglements that made her dizzy and even felt weak in the legs probably also represented his past.
Realizing this, Liang Zhiyao felt a contradictory pain rising in his chest, which intertwined with the strange desire deep in his body, making him feel panic and uneasy.
This time she really woke up, pushed Tan Xu away and stood up, and as if she wanted to hide something, she gasped rapidly and burst into a violent coughing fit.
Author's Note
Reversible light path
author
08-12
This chapter was revised many times before finally being presented this way. Zhiyao is definitely a bit idealistic about love, and her personality requires some stronger actions from the other party to force her to face her inner feelings.
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