【41】The greatest significance of flipping a coin is that it allows people to recognize their true desires deep in their hearts.
Everyone experiences different symptoms of a cold, but for most, a sore throat is the initial sign, followed closely by a high fever and nasal discomfort. By the time the cough becomes uncontrollable, it's often the end of the illness. Therefore, Liang Zhiyao knew that the sudden bout of coughing on her first day of the flu wasn't a natural symptom, but more like an instinctive, itchy throat reaction to feeling overwhelmed. Tan Xu quickly stood up, poured a cup of warm water from his thermos, and considerately handed it to her. As she took the water, she instinctively said "thank you," but then realized she had been too polite to the aggressor, felt a little regretful, and finally glared at him overly aggressively. "Sorry, I forgot you were still sick," he said. "Were you scared?" He didn't seem to apologize for the sudden kiss itself, only for the poor timing. To be honest, Liang Zhiyao didn't feel any resentment towards Tan Xu at the moment, but rather a struggle with herself. Her fears and concerns had clearly not changed, but in a rare moment, she allowed herself to abandon her rational mind and let her desire drive her towards intimacy. Amidst these conflicting feelings, her disdain for her own selfishness and indecision far outweighed her resentment of his dominance and overbearing behavior. Liang Zhiyao sipped a few sips of water and noticed the live game broadcast on her computer screen was still going on. She paused, calmed her racing heartbeat and breathing, and finally spoke. "I—I've said this before," her voice was a little strained, almost hoarse, "...you're not the type I'd choose for a relationship." He was silent for a long time before nodding, "Yeah, I know." She had hinted at this to him more than once. "But now, I..." Liang Zhiyao took a deep breath. "To be honest, I don't know what I really want. You might think this answer sounds like an evasion, but this is how I truly feel right now." The kiss she'd half-heartedly given a few minutes ago now felt like a public execution, exposing desires she hadn't even acknowledged. Liang Zhiyao wondered if her hesitation could be disguised as prudence, or if, in his eyes, it looked more like inconsistency. However, Tan Xu responded with an unexpected tolerance. His tone was calm, and he even smiled. "It's okay. I'm glad you responded so frankly." Seeing her surprise, he added, "Are you surprised by my reaction? Maybe I know you well enough to never have expected you to agree to a relationship right away..."
Everyone experiences different symptoms when they have a cold, but for most people, a sore throat is the first sign, followed by high fever and nasal discomfort. By the time they start to cough uncontrollably, it is often the end stage of the illness.
Therefore, Liang Zhiyao knew that the sudden coughing attack on the first day of the flu was not a natural symptom, but more like an instinctive reaction of an itchy throat when he was at a loss.
Tan Xu quickly stood up, poured a cup of warm water from the thermos, and handed it to her considerately.
When she took the water, she subconsciously said "thank you", but then she realized that she was too friendly to the invader, and felt a little regretful. Finally, she glared at him in an overreaction.
"I'm sorry, I forgot you were sick," he said. "Are you scared?"
He didn't seem to be apologizing for the sudden kiss itself, only that the timing was inappropriate.
Honestly, Liang Zhiyao didn't feel any resentment towards Tan Xu at the moment; she was more struggling with herself. Her fears and concerns had clearly not changed, yet she rarely allowed herself to abandon her rationality and let desire drive her towards intimacy with him.
Amidst all these conflicting feelings, she actually despised her own selfishness and indecision far more than she was dissatisfied with his dominance and arrogance.
Liang Zhiyao drank a few sips of water and noticed that the live broadcast of the game on the computer screen was still going on. She clicked pause, calmed her rapid heartbeat and breathing, and finally spoke.
"I-I've said it before," her voice was a little difficult and hoarse, "...you are not the type of person I would choose to fall in love with."
He was silent for a long time and then nodded: "Yeah, I know."
She had hinted to him more than once.
"But now, I..." Liang Zhiyao took a deep breath, "To be honest, I don't know what I really want. You may think that this answer sounds like an excuse, but this is my true feeling right now."
The half-hearted kiss from a few minutes ago now seemed a bit like a public execution, exposing all the desires she herself had not yet realized. Liang Zhiyao didn't know whether his hesitation could be disguised as prudence, or in his eyes, it was more like going back on his word.
However, Tan Xu responded to her with an unexpected tolerance.
His tone was calm, and he even smiled: "It's okay. I'm happy that you responded so frankly."
Seeing her surprise, he added, "Are you surprised by my reaction? Maybe I know you well enough to never expect you to agree to a relationship or give an answer right away. I don't know if you'll still want to stay away from me or get closer after this day. That's your freedom. But my liking for you can be another matter."
Liang Zhiyao subconsciously asked him: "It's two things, not one thing?"
"No," Tan Xu shook his head, "at least not now."
He used to think love should be instant, and couldn't imagine having to wait for a decision after declaring his feelings. After all, if someone has always been on the other end of the scale and ended up not being chosen, they will naturally avoid entering that situation again out of self-protection, and he was no exception.
Now I suddenly feel that maybe not everything needs to be left to chance. If someone like him also wants to force things, then following his inner voice and exposing his weaknesses in exchange for a possible ideal outcome can actually be a proactive choice.
"Since you're not so opposed to kissing, can we assume that you're not completely indifferent to me, but just need more time to think about it?" Tan Xu looked into her eyes calmly. "If that's the case, I can wait."
Liang Zhiyao instantly experienced a complex feeling of surprise, joy, and then hesitation and uneasiness, and asked him: "Is this right? Don't you think I'm..."
"Are you keeping me hanging?" He answered bluntly, saying something she didn't know how to describe. "No, and since I was the one who confirmed my feelings first, then this is your privilege."
Seeing that she still looked a little uneasy, he smiled and comforted her, "Don't always have such a heavy moral burden on yourself. This was originally a consensual thing, and the purpose was just to pursue happiness."
Liang Zhiyao felt a little sad for a moment.
During the time when Tan Xu was silent after saying "I don't know", she inexplicably thought of the early days when she first came to study abroad - at that time, she obviously wanted to actively participate in class, but every time the professor asked a question, she always hesitated and was full of anxiety. She couldn't help but prepare the entire speech in English in her mind, and only dared to take action after she was sure that there was no problem.
However, the opportunity for interaction was fleeting. When she was finally ready, she found that the discussion had already started on the next topic or knowledge point. She could only tell herself with disappointment that next time, no matter whether her language was polished to perfection, she must speak first.
At that moment, she had thought it was the same with Tan Xu. He, too, had pride and self-esteem, and after she had shown signs of wavering, it was normal for him to be disappointed and give up. But now she realized that unlike a classroom discussion where she could never speak again after missing out, his patience and persistence had truly given her a "next time" chance.
Liang Zhiyao looked at him sincerely and said, "It's not just a moral burden. Sometimes I want to act spontaneously, but I still hope to take responsibility for every decision I make. If you're willing to give me some time, then I'll think it through carefully."
"Okay." Tan Xu said in a deep voice, "So, while you're thinking about this, what do you want me to do? If you need me to, I can continue to be your 'friend,' but if you'd rather sort things out on your own, I can disappear for a while to give you enough space."
At the end of his speech, his tone was inevitably depressed and bitter.
It wasn't easy to continue being friends with her as if nothing had happened after confessing his feelings. But he couldn't tell which was harder, that or cutting off contact, so he simply left it to her to decide.
"Can we not meet alone for a while?" Liang Zhiyao said to him after thinking deeply, "Otherwise I always feel... it's not fair to you."
"Okay," Tan Xu looked into her eyes and nodded, "I'll do as you say."
She suddenly thought of something: "During the holidays...can I still contact you on WeChat?"
Tan Xu was puzzled: "You don't want to meet me, but you want to contact me online?"
"Not really..." Liang Zhiyao thought of that overly hot and deep kiss, and didn't know how to start. He started to stutter: "I... I'm a little worried that you'll get the flu from me, so I plan to greet you every day."
He suddenly felt a mixture of emotions, feeling both sad and a little amused. "Okay, I'm also worried that your condition will relapse."
The conversation ended, and the atmosphere once again stagnated. Perhaps this was one of the drawbacks of breaking the window paper, but Tan Xu realized he couldn't just linger like he had that morning. So he packed his lunch box, computer, and other belongings into his backpack, leaving only two oranges and a bottle of medicine on the dining table.
"I'll go upstairs then. I'll leave the fruit here with you. If your condition gets worse, you can try this medicine."
It was not until Tan Xu closed the door and footsteps were heard from near to far in the corridor that Liang Zhiyao suddenly realized that the overly quiet atmosphere of the holiday, which he had not been used to last night, seemed to have become even more unbearable.
Is this what I want? I've been hiding from him for a while now, escaping and resisting and ignoring his feelings. In fact, this is all to get everything back to square one, to regain the confidence I had when I kept a safe distance, and not experience the pain of disappointment because of the fear of losing him.
But now she accidentally took a step forward, and this feeling of gap seemed to have visited her in advance, and she suddenly felt that her thoughts had become very naive and ridiculous.
Liang Zhiyao recalled that when he was a child, he would occasionally toss a coin when he didn't know how to make a decision between two options. In the end, he discovered the hypocrisy of human nature. Even if he had clearly landed on the heads side, he would still occasionally struggle with it and finally act according to the option represented by the tails side.
Perhaps the greatest significance of tossing a coin is that it allows people to recognize their true desires deep in their hearts.
Winter afternoons are always unusually short, and the sky darkens early. Liang Zhiyao, still in good spirits, cooked himself a bowl of egg noodles, but his appetite was still poor. He quickly ate half a bowl before putting down his chopsticks. Instead, he cut open one of the oranges Tan Xu had brought, splitting it into eight equal pieces. He then sat by the window, watching the sunset, and finished his meal.
She couldn't help but imagine, if she hadn't accidentally fallen asleep while watching the game and then had that conversation, would they still be together now?
Liang Zhiyao usually ate no more than four orange slices, but Tan Xu might joke that he wasn't interested in competing with a patient for fruit, but he would still urge her to eat the whole thing.
Thinking this way, she realized that Tan Xu was still quite cunning. His imagination of a scene like this had originally been like water without a source, a tree without roots, but after spending a few hours alone in the same space, it suddenly had the conditions to materialize. Even the sofa cushion where he sat had sunk a little deeper than other places, not having had enough time to rebound to its original state.
Every insignificant detail bears the traces of Tan Xu's presence, leaving behind a sweet yet disturbing echo.
Liang Zhiyao felt that she shouldn't let her emotions grow, and the room was indeed suffocatingly quiet, so she turned on the TV and casually cast the screen to a program recommended by a video website based on big data, hoping to add some noise to the surroundings.
The first recommended video was a travelogue. Halfway through, the video showed the videographer waking up early, sipping coffee, and watching the sunrise. Liang Zhiyao immediately recalled that road trip with Tan Xu, sitting in the courtyard together, waiting for the sunrise. He felt a surge of irritation, and didn't want to watch any more, so he clicked on the next one.
The next recommended video was a Vlog uploaded by an alumnus from the same school, titled "A Day in the Life of a Junior Finance Student." The moment she saw the title, she felt a little allergic and quickly clicked the cross.
The third video finally didn't evoke any strange associations; it focused on workplace learning and personal growth. This video, from a woman a few years older than her and already working, was packed with valuable insights, backed up by her own real experiences. Liang Zhiyao finally got a little hooked.
However, midway through the conversation, the other person suddenly and forcefully quoted a line from the Cantonese opera "The Peony Pavilion": "If you are afraid, why bother wanting it? If you want it, why bother being afraid?" This line can be used as a cautionary tale whenever faced with desire and anxiety.
She was immediately struck by this sentence, her scalp tingling, and she inevitably developed a persecution delusion that she was being spied on and ridiculed by big data, so she raised her hand and turned off the TV.
The room returned to silence. Liang Zhiyao buried his head in the sofa in a self-deprecating manner, knowing that his current feeling of uneasiness had nothing to do with anything else.
She just couldn't help thinking about him all the time, so much so that anything she looked at would make her distracted.
Shortly after dinner, the fever, which had been suppressed for hours by the antipyretic, began to rise again. This time, Liang Zhiyao looked at the bottle of medicine that Tan Xu had brought. The instructions stated that it contained similar fever-reducing and pain-relieving ingredients, but also had additional effects for other symptoms. It even had a white tablet and a night-time tablet, making it more suitable for treating the flu.
She swallowed a pill, and after her fever subsided, she quickly felt sleepy. But even in her dreams, she couldn't escape Tan Xu's pursuit.
She dreamed they were kissing, his breath as hot and aggressive as it had been that afternoon, but unlike that, now that she was detached from reality, she was able to be completely honest with her desires, to give herself over to this game of testing and violating each other's boundaries, and to acknowledge that she was actually feeling pleasure.
However, the plot in the dream took a dramatic turn. After the kiss, she eagerly and seriously confessed her love to Tan Xu, but he just glanced at her and said, "Oh, it's just a kiss. It doesn't mean anything."
Author's Note
Reversible light path
author
08-14
This chapter is posted in advance without waiting for midnight, because 41-44 are going to be updated daily, and I also want to let them be together soon qwq
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