【46】Love is a game of imagination, the filter is as thick as the bottom of a bottle
If the naive crush of adolescence was more about "liking the other person for who they are," easily elevating vague admiration and friendly interactions into a deep bond, Liang Zhiyao still feels that love is still a game of imagination. Looking back on her first love, she feels that her feelings were often self-indulgent. Sometimes, people begin to form a mental picture of who they think they are from the moment they meet, and then force these preconceived notions into their interactions, believing that every detail confirms their initial fantasy. With Tan Xu, the situation was somewhat different. Liang Zhiyao had a very negative initial impression of him, so it seemed as if no filter should exist. But once she truly fell in love, her hormones overwhelmed her, and she wondered why everything about him was so perfect for her. If ambiguity stems from the unexpected affection between someone who is only half-acquainted, then there is a subtle and contradictory tension between newlyweds: they are eager to test each other's boundaries, but they also worry that getting too close would suddenly destroy the mystery created by distance. Liang Zhiyao felt she'd fallen into a strange state. Besides emotional connection, she also enjoyed physical contact with Tan Xu, feeling dizzy and weak every time they kissed. As for taking things further... she didn't seem to be averse to it either. She'd previously thought she'd been more reserved in this regard, but now she'd discovered that when you like someone, it's hard to resist the urge to get closer. She naturally looked forward to physical intimacy, though with a touch of trepidation. In contrast, Tan Xu seemed far more nonchalant. The night they confirmed their relationship, he'd jokingly suggested "let's go sit upstairs," but he'd never mentioned it again. They usually met at school, and even at the apartment, it was in public spaces. He didn't seem keen on spending time alone with her in private. Liang Zhiyao felt a little confused, and a touch of shame at this feeling, which she couldn't quite tell whether it was anticipation or disappointment. Finals study time was actually quite dull. For several consecutive weekdays, they'd meet in the library after work, studying until after ten before returning home together. Although they mostly went about their own business, they felt a sense of happiness in each other's company. According to the plan, they were supposed to continue spending time in the library this Saturday. However, there were so many people studying, and with limited outlets, their computers ran out of battery by noon. Their apartment also had a conference room, which, while less ventilated, was quiet. The two of them immediately started Plan B, but when they returned, they found that place had also been occupied. …
If we say that the ignorant secret crush in adolescence was more about "liking the other person's self", it is too easy to elevate vague appreciation and friendly interaction into a deep bond. Now Liang Zhiyao still feels that love is still a game of imagination.
When she thought back to her first love, she felt that her feelings at the time were often self-suggestive. Sometimes, people begin to picture the other person in their minds from the moment they meet, and then force these preconceived notions into their interactions, feeling that every detail seemed to confirm their initial fantasy.
With Tan Xu, things were a little different. Liang Zhiyao initially had a very negative impression of him, so it seemed as if there shouldn't be any filter. But once she really fell in love with him, her hormones washed over her, and she wondered why everything about him was to her liking.
If ambiguity comes from the unexpected affection between people who are neither familiar with each other, then there is always a subtle and contradictory tension between lovers who are eager to try to violate each other's boundaries, but are also worried that getting too close will suddenly break the mystery constructed by distance.
Liang Zhiyao felt she was in a strange state. Besides mental communication, she also enjoyed physical contact with Tan Xu. Every time they kissed, she felt dizzy and weak in the legs. As for taking it a step further... she didn't seem to be opposed to it either.
She had originally thought she would be more conservative in this regard, but now she found that it was hard to resist the desire to get closer when she liked someone. She would naturally look forward to physical intimacy with him, although at the same time she was a little nervous.
In comparison, Tan Xu seems too nonchalant.
The night they confirmed their relationship, he jokingly said, "Let's go sit upstairs," but he never mentioned it again. They usually met at school, and even in the apartment, they would go to public spaces.
He didn't seem too keen on being alone with her in a private space.
Liang Zhiyao was a little confused, and felt a little ashamed of this feeling that he couldn't tell whether it was expectation or disappointment.
Finals study time is actually pretty dull. For several consecutive weekdays, after work, we'd meet in the library to study, burning the midnight oil until after 10 p.m. before heading home together. Although we were mostly busy with our own things, we felt a sense of happiness in each other's company.
According to the plan, I should have continued to spend time in the library this Saturday. However, there were too many people studying and limited sockets, so by noon my computer ran out of battery.
Their apartment also had a conference room, which, though less ventilated, was quiet. They immediately started Plan B, but when they returned, they found that the room had also been occupied.
"What should we do?" Tan Xu asked her, "Do you want to go to my place?"
Liang Zhiyao's heartbeat suddenly became very fast.
It was strange that when they were still "friends", she could go to his house without any distractions, but now she couldn't let go.
She couldn't explain her own feelings, but she agreed to his proposal and then, in a more revealing way, added, "During the power outage, I saw you had a large display screen at home. It was quite suitable for looking at code."
It seems that this extra reason is valid and can cover up the tacit ambiguity.
After entering Room 630, Tan Xu offered up the legendary "large display screen" but was unwilling to sit anywhere else. He and she continued to squeeze at the two ends of the L-shaped desk: "This is the only place with good light."
At first, Liang Zhiyao was not used to this overly quiet environment, but later he really learned it and made full use of the advantage of the extra screen to write code. He found that this was indeed very efficient.
By three or four in the afternoon, both of them were a little tired. After concentrating for too long, they inevitably fell into a brief period of laziness.
Although Tan Xu was still sitting next to her reviewing the lecture notes, his hands had become restless. He liked to play with her hair from time to time, his fingertips circling around, intentionally or unintentionally brushing across Liang Zhiyao's shoulders and neck, causing ripples in her heart.
However, studying at home also has an added benefit, which is that communication and discussion are freer than in the library.
After all, although this person was full of energy and enjoyed the temporary pleasure of taking a second major, he was inevitably a little distracted by the double exams at the end of the semester. So after Liang Zhiyao completed his task, he called himself a "master with a formal education," and from time to time he gave guidance to his "apprentice who changed his career halfway."
But after she finished explaining a problem and pretended to check the results, her "student" Tan Xu had already been lost in thought and was caught red-handed.
"Sorry," he winked, "I was a little distracted."
Liang Zhiyao immediately rolled his eyes at him. "When we were in the library before, weren't you always so focused? Every time you opened a book, you would study for a long time and rarely looked at your phone. It made me feel ashamed."
"Really?" Tan Xu laughed. "It's a little hard to maintain that kind of concentration now, because every time I stare at you for too long... I always want to kiss you."
After so many days, Liang Zhiyao still hadn't gotten used to his flirting style anytime and anywhere. It was difficult for her to switch smoothly between daily conversation and couple mode. After being stared at by him for a few seconds, she couldn't sit still anymore, so she stood up and said, "I'll go get a glass of water."
Tan Xu stood up, threw the lecture notes on the table, then put his arm around her shoulders and kissed her as he had promised.
The kiss started out slow and gentle, but it suddenly turned sour as they rubbed against each other. His lips were scorching hot, and his tongue swept across her mouth, quickly making Liang Zhiyao unable to resist.
She was held in Tan Xu's arms, his other hand around her waist. Under the violent assault, she couldn't help but stumble a few steps. Finally, her back hit the window, unable to escape.
Never mind...shouldn't I be honest? It's not like she doesn't like it.
With nowhere to retreat, Liang Zhiyao simply turned the tables, provokingly fighting back and actively invading Tan Xu's territory. He was a little surprised at first, but soon she aroused a stronger desire and deepened the kiss again and again.
The two of them were so close, and after the kiss was prolonged, all physiological reactions were inevitably exposed. She felt the changes in Tan Xu's body, and their rapid breathing intertwined, and they both knew what was going on.
Liang Zhiyao's face was already red, and he looked at him hesitantly. After a while, he seemed to have finally made up his mind: "Well, actually..."
Just as he started, he took a step back.
Tan Xu lowered his head and hugged her tightly, burying his head in Liang Zhiyao's neck. He felt a hot breath and his breathing slowly calmed down.
Soon his eyes regained clarity, and he looked up and said, "I'm sorry, it's my fault."
After he made the proposal, he actually regretted it and thought he shouldn't have come to the house.
A very private space is too tempting to imagine, and desires can grow freely in indulgence, which is completely different from being outside. He found that his self-control was limited, just like he almost lost control just now.
Liang Zhiyao was a little confused at this time.
Are experienced Aquamans usually this restrained?
He seemed to see through her thoughts and said with a smile: "I always feel like you are plotting something about me in your mind again."
“…No way.” She curled her lips.
The charming atmosphere finally faded, and when they sat back down, they had already lost the desire to review. Liang Zhiyao leaned in Tan Xu's arms, letting him play with his hair with his fingers. After a long while, he couldn't help but ask, "Why... not?"
He was a little surprised, with a playful look in his eyes: "Are you actually looking forward to it?"
She subconsciously denied it: "Not really...but how should I put it, considering you are an experienced driver, it's quite unexpected."
Tan Xu smiled helplessly and said, "Looking at your reaction, it seems that braking is a wise move."
"Why?"
"Ever since we first met, my credit rating with you hasn't been very high," he said, laughing again. "So I'm wondering... if I don't control myself and move on too quickly, will I be completely convicted of being a scumbag?"
This was the answer. Liang Zhiyao felt a mix of emotions.
She spoke again, half teasing him, "But first impressions are often deeply ingrained, and there's no point in remedying them. What should I do?"
Tan Xu became curious after hearing this: "If you really dislike me so much, why do you like me? It sounds a bit contradictory."
Liang Zhiyao asked him, "Is this some kind of necessary part of being in a relationship? Asking each other why they like you, when they first fell in love, and so on."
"Probably," he said. "Although I know that many things don't happen overnight or for a single reason, it's normal to have no answer to this question. But if we really talk about it, I'm still very curious."
"Let me think..." she said thoughtfully, "I think I like you because... uh, an overall feeling?"
"That's too abstract an answer," he laughed. "It's almost like not saying anything at all."
"Then I'd like to think about how to describe it in detail."
Liang Zhiyao pondered for a moment. She wasn't opposed to chatting with Tan Xu like this; she even enjoyed it. While actions often spoke louder than words, she also felt that honest communication and expressions of affection between lovers were equally necessary. Otherwise, how could they truly be called "in" love?
"How should I put it... There's a saying that goes 'likes and dislikes have the same cause'. It seems like most of the time, for every advantage there's always a corresponding disadvantage. For example, if you like someone who's rational and calm, you can't expect them to have exceptional empathy. If you like someone who's relaxed, you have to accept that they can be a bit casual about many things. These things are often mutually causal. That's why they say you can't have it all, right?"
"But people are very complicated. I initially labeled you with a lot of negative labels, but then I peeled them off one by one. By the time I realized what was happening, I was already attracted to you. I initially thought you were a bit frivolous, but over time I discovered you had a serious side. If all this is just some overly complex routine, an act, then I can't help it, but..."
"You're a person who defies simple definition. Perhaps most people are quite complex, and I just don't understand them. If I had to put it bluntly, I wouldn't be able to rank your various traits in first, second, or third place. It's because they combine so wonderfully in one person that I particularly like them."
"But now I've discovered that people can't be so rational. Once they like the whole thing, they can't help but love it too, and think every detail becomes adorable. So now you're asking me this question... Then I like every part of you."
Liang Zhiyao rarely spoke at such length, let alone such a grand, romantic confession. She wasn't shy at the moment, and was curious about how Tan Xu would respond.
Unexpectedly, he sighed and said, "Although I am very moved after listening to it, isn't your filter a bit too strong for me?"
"Huh? Why is that your reaction?"
"I seem too perfect in your eyes," he laughed. "Like you said, how can anyone be all strengths and no weaknesses? If I were to explain it scientifically, it's more like you're in the early stages of a relationship, being kidnapped by hormones and dopamine. That's why you think I'm perfect in every way."
"Really?" She wasn't quite convinced, but she also felt that she lacked experience and it was difficult for her to come up with arguments to refute it.
"Have you ever thought about what you would do if the filter fades and you find that I'm not so perfect and have flaws all over me?"
"Is that so?" she asked casually, "Is that how you and your exes...broke up?"
He shook his head. "I've been in a few relationships before. The reasons for starting were superficial, and the endings were also very realistic. Later I realized that it's actually difficult for people to be bound by a relationship for a long time if they don't really like each other enough. You may not believe this, but before... I really haven't experienced such a strong love for someone."
Perhaps due to past relationships, Tan Xu clearly knew that his feelings for Liang Zhiyao were different from any other he'd experienced. From the time they became acquainted and confirmed their relationship, the time between them hadn't been short, considering the intensity of their interactions. But with each new understanding, he felt a growing fondness for her. However, he wasn't sure if Liang Zhiyao felt the same way about him.
At this moment, he suddenly regretted all the flirting skills he was good at, because this made him begin to unsure how much of Liang Zhiyao's affection for him was influenced by the ambiguous atmosphere, and how much was a firm choice after deep consideration and familiarity.
She envied his relaxed nature, but Tan Xu saw it as simply a result of his habitually lowering his expectations of many things, even becoming somewhat numb. Therefore, his liking for her was a rare obsession, a rare necessity.
"Is it bad to have a filter? I think it's pretty good too."
Liang Zhiyao certainly knows that no one is perfect, and she herself has her own shortcomings. But in her understanding, it is precisely because love can rarely create "perfection" in the eyes of a partner that she can tolerate imperfections.
She added, "Rather than asking me what to do if the filter breaks, I'd rather hear you talk about how that 'strong liking' came about."
"So it's my turn to talk about my inner journey?" Tan Xu pondered for a moment, then ran out of words. He said, "I suddenly realized you were right."
"What?"
"I thought about it for a long time, and then I realized that it was what you just said... an overall feeling?"
"Wow, no way," Liang Zhiyao objected. "How can you just copy my answer to such an important question?"
After thinking for a moment, she continued, "Then let me ask you another way... Why did you want to get close to me in the first place?"
Glancing at him sideways again, "Of course, it's also possible that you're flirting with several people at once. I'm just one of the common people in Neptune's pond. Because I'm stupid and easy to deceive, I accidentally stood out."
Tan Xu didn't know whether to laugh or cry: "Even before I met you, I never really tried to flirt with multiple people at once. You can't sentence me to death because of my love history."
After a while, he recalled seriously, "If I have to start from the beginning... maybe I noticed you a long time ago?"
"Huh?" She was stunned. "We didn't have much interaction during our freshman and sophomore years. We were just acquaintances, and we barely exchanged a few words."
"Yeah, so I wasn't really attracted to her at that time," he admitted. "But don't you think... the moment you first meet someone, you know in your heart whether there's a possibility for you and her?"
"Is this the legendary 'attractive eye contact'?" she asked. "To put it bluntly... is it just looking at the face?"
She was suspicious for a moment. She thought her appearance was not a disadvantage, but she insisted that it was love at first sight, which sounded a bit ridiculous.
"Hmm...it's a bit different from just looking at someone's face," Tan Xu thought for a moment. "I always feel that after meeting and exchanging a few words, people subconsciously label each other as 'possible' or 'impossible'. While there may not necessarily be an opportunity to get to know each other better, this label will determine how you behave in front of that person in the future."
For example, he couldn't help but wonder what it would be like for someone like her when a corner of her boundaries was pried open, so he tried every possible way to get close to her like a peacock spreading its tail, sometimes even using too much force.
Liang Zhiyao inexplicably recalled the first time they met in the billiard hall. Although they were not familiar with each other, Tan Xu clearly remembered her Chinese name and called her Liang Zhiyao instead of Aria. She couldn't help but smile as if she had found a clue.
Finally, he concluded honestly: "Anyway, I think... the reasons why people are initially attracted to each other are often quite superficial and direct."
"So what's the particularly superficial and direct reason why you're attracted to me?"
"That's pretty easy to understand," he analyzed. "Besides the fact that I really like your face, I was initially drawn to you by the way you play basketball. Your voice is soft when you talk to people, but when you play, you look quite handsome, even a little... cocky." He smiled at her. "Actually, it was because of what Maple Leaf said the other night that I thought you were dazzling."
Liang Zhiyao couldn't help but smile foolishly.
She admitted that she felt great when praised and her vanity was greatly satisfied.
"But now I've discovered—" Tan Xu changed the subject, "After being attracted by external things and becoming close, people will ultimately continue to appreciate and love each other for deeper reasons, right? Just like my own 'dark history', I probably failed because I started a relationship too hastily. Later, I had the opportunity to slowly test whether it was worth it, and after concluding that it shouldn't continue, the relationship ended quickly."
"But it's a little different with you. Maybe because I was always rejected at first, I had the opportunity to slow down. After the superficial and direct feelings, I was able to gradually discover more things. The more I understand, the more certain I am of my feelings."
Liang Zhiyao heard his own heartbeat again. It was different from the rapid drumbeat when kissing, but it also brought a warm vibration.
"Why are you staring at me like that?" Tan Xu smiled. "What I said just now was a bit abstract and not direct enough. The truth is, when you get along with someone, you will gradually understand how they view the world and solve problems, and then-"
He stared into Liang Zhiyao's eyes: "...Then, I couldn't help but think that from now on, it would be great if I could look at the world and solve problems with her."
Author's Note
Reversible light path
author
08-20
I still wrote it according to my own ideas. Maybe it is more romantic to have a love that comes from nowhere and goes deep, but in my heart they will have such a conversation and discussion. Although this chapter did not end, I would like to call it the second in-depth confession -w-
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