【48】Possessiveness affects the future and also looks back to the past.
The living room was filled with the smell of burning, and even after opening the windows for airing, the smell still didn't improve. Resignedly, Tan Xu cleaned the air fryer and pronounced the dish dead: "Not a single good piece left." He had no memory of the specific mistake, but Liang Zhiyao's sudden advances had caused him to slip and turn the button a fraction too far. The spareribs he'd marinated all morning were completely ruined, reduced to black lumps of charcoal. It was past midnight, and having just experienced some unexplainable physical exhaustion, both of them were starving. They had to try their luck in the cupboard. Luckily, there were still two packets of tonkotsu ramen, which they'd bought at some unknown time. Liang Zhiyao's attention was drawn to something else—in the corner of the cupboard, wasn't that the cherry blossom-patterned thermos bag that Liu Siyan had mentioned as her "ex-girlfriend"? "That thermos bag... is it really her ex-girlfriend's?" "Huh?" The sudden, life-threatening question caught Tan Xu off guard, but the frozen expression on his face made the answer clear. "Really?!" She was shocked. Then Liang Zhiyao deliberately restrained his emotions and asked him calmly: "So let's interview... What is the general mentality of boys who still keep their ex-girlfriend's things at home?" "Uh... To be honest, I really didn't think too much about it," Tan Xu boiled some water and said embarrassedly, "Because it is still functional, you keep it?" Seeing Liang Zhiyao's subtle expression, he inexplicably felt a chill on his back and coughed twice: "From another perspective, does this prove that I have let it go a long time ago? There is no deep hatred, and I won't miss people when I see things. But now it seems that it is better to throw it away quickly." She shook her head: "Keep it, like you said, it is still functional." It is difficult to explain what kind of mentality this is. She obviously cares about it in her heart, but she wants to make herself look not to care. Tan Xu did not breathe a sigh of relief, but had a complicated expression, "Does this mean that you don't have any possessiveness towards me?" "How should I put it...reason tells me that possessiveness should only work in the future, not in the past." He cracked two eggs into the pot and looked back at her, "That's quite true, but when you follow reason and don't get jealous at all, I actually feel quite lost?" "It depends. For example, if you still keep in touch, I definitely won't be so calm," she said, and asked casually, "Well, so are you still in touch?" Unexpectedly, Tan Xu was stunned for a moment, and said awkwardly: "Don't be angry about one thing..." "Really still in contact?!" She was shocked again. "It should be...
The living room was filled with a burning smell, and even after opening the windows for ventilation for a long time, there was no improvement.
Tan Xu cleaned the air fryer helplessly and sentenced the dish to death: "There's not a single good piece left."
He had lost all memory of the specific mistake he'd made, but in any case, Liang Zhiyao's sudden advances had caused him to slip and turn the button a fraction too far. The ribs he'd been marinating for the entire morning were completely ruined, reduced to a black lump of charcoal.
It was past midnight, and having just experienced some unexplainable physical exhaustion, both of them were starving, so they had to try their luck in the cupboard. Fortunately, they still had two packets of tonkotsu ramen left, which they had bought at some point.
Liang Zhiyao's attention was attracted by other things - placed in the corner of the cupboard, wasn't that the cherry blossom pattern cooler bag that Liu Siyan mentioned as her "ex-girlfriend"?
"That cooler bag... is it really from my ex-girlfriend?"
"ah?"
Tan Xu was caught off guard by the sudden life-threatening question, but the frozen expression on his face made the answer obvious.
"Really?!" she was shocked.
Liang Zhiyao then deliberately restrained his emotions and calmly asked him, "So, let's interview... What's the general mentality of a guy who still has his ex-girlfriend's things at home?"
"Uh... to be honest, I really didn't think that much about it," Tan Xu said awkwardly as he boiled some water. "So I kept it because it still has some functionality?"
Seeing Liang Zhiyao's subtle expression, he inexplicably felt a chill on his back and coughed twice: "From another perspective, does this prove that I have let it go a long time ago? I don't have any deep hatred, and I won't miss the person when I see the object. But now it seems better to throw it away quickly."
She shook her head: "Keep it. Like you said, it's still functional."
It’s hard to explain what kind of mentality this is. She clearly cares about it, but she wants to appear not to care.
Tan Xu didn't breathe a sigh of relief, instead his expression was complicated, "Does this mean that you don't have any possessive desire for me?"
"How should I put it...reason tells me that possessiveness should only affect the future, not the past."
He cracked two eggs into the pot and looked back at her. "That's quite true, but when you're so rational and don't get jealous at all, I actually feel quite lost."
"That depends. For example, if you guys were still in touch, I definitely wouldn't be so calm," she said, then casually asked, "Well, so are you still in touch?"
Unexpectedly, Tan Xu was stunned for a moment, and said awkwardly: "Don't be angry about one thing..."
"Are we really still in touch?!" She was shocked again.
"It should be the middle of last month... We met once in the school cafe," he recalled. "It was a long time ago that we broke up, but we were randomly put in the same group for a major course this semester. When she messaged me, she said it was a group discussion, but when we got there, we realized it was just the two of us."
It should have been in the middle of last month when she and Lin Jiayue happened to see it when they went to the cafe.
Liang Zhiyao used common sense to judge the next plot: "So... the other party wants to get back together?"
Tan Xu sighed, took a step forward and hugged her: "Trust me more, okay?"
"I believed you, but I regret it now," she gritted her teeth, her tone sour, "You're right, that thermal bag, why not throw it away..."
She still overestimated herself. The book "The Selfish Gene" did not say that humans generally have retrospective jealousy, and will involuntarily explore their partner's past emotional experiences. After hearing them, she felt regretful and would rather know nothing about them.
Besides, a vague love story and a concrete object that one had witnessed were two completely different things. How could one really remain indifferent when thinking about the fact that another person had been involved in his past?
"Okay," Tan Xu said quickly, "throw it away now."
It just so happened that the "charcoal spare ribs" needed a place to be stored, so he used the insulation bag that caused the accident as a container and quickly disposed of both together.
Then, they sat facing each other and ate instant noodles in a somewhat funny way.
The salt and pepper spareribs that held such special commemorative value were turned into hastily prepared junk food, which was a bit of a disappointment. But the thought of delaying the departure by a few days still made the joy outweigh the disappointment.
"So... is this kind of thing supposed to be reciprocated?" Tan Xu asked her casually, "Talk about your first love or something."
"Ahem..." She choked. "Is it appropriate for us to talk about so many sensitive topics in one day?"
"Like you said, possessiveness doesn't apply retroactively." He raised an eyebrow, seemingly calm. "I'm trying to learn this healthy and positive mindset."
"It's nothing, really. It's just one of those common high school romances in China," Liang Zhiyao recalled. "We sat at desks in front and behind each other in the classroom and had a crush on each other. We were just young and naive kids, so we didn't think much of it and got together."
He was a little surprised: "I thought you would be the type who only cared about studying in high school and didn't bother to pay attention to boys of the same age. After all, teenage boys... are really childish."
In fact, people in their twenties are also very naive. He is a year or two older than her, and has experienced the extra tempering of transnational life as a teenager. Perhaps he can be considered a cheat in a sense.
"I did study hard up until then," she said. "But in the last semester of my senior year, most of the offers from overseas schools had come in, and the school had put us, the group of students who had already decided to study abroad, together in a classroom so as not to disturb the other students studying for the college entrance exam. So, life suddenly felt so much easier and more enjoyable, and I made some new friends."
At that time, she was actually more spontaneous than she is now, with simpler ideas, not so many rules and regulations, and full of curiosity about love. When the other party took the initiative and she was not opposed to it, she started it without thinking.
He listened carefully and suddenly asked, "Then why did you break up?"
"It's a common reason," Liang Zhiyao said. "Although we were both international students, our destinations were different. Looking back, it's more accurate to say we had a mutual affection. It didn't seem to be necessary to try an international relationship, so it only lasted two months and ended naturally when we graduated."
She had thought that the "reciprocity" was enough, but she didn't expect Tan Xu to say, "So, to be honest, your breakup wasn't because you didn't like each other, but because of distance?"
She shook her head: "I can't say that... because something else happened later."
"Is there a follow-up?"
"Well, it was a year later," she said. "We both went back to China during the summer vacation of our freshman year to attend a high school reunion. A gossipy classmate told me he had a girlfriend in England, but he was pretending to be single and confessed his feelings to me again. If I had foolishly agreed, the outcome would either be getting dumped right after the summer, or realizing later that I had gotten involved in someone else's relationship. Either way, it would have been terrible."
She didn't think she should blame her defensiveness on this, as it was more due to her personality. But in a sense, this was indeed the first time she realized in the emotional world that human hearts were unpredictable.
Tan Xu's expression was quite subtle: "I think... it seems a bit unfair that you called me a scumbag before?"
It's true he'd been in a few relationships, had a few tacitly agreed-upon flirtations that ended abruptly for various reasons, and that much of his formulaic flirting stemmed from that. But he considered himself to have a decent moral compass, having never cheated on anyone, engaged in multiple relationships, or played both sides. He couldn't help but feel wronged when he thought about how he'd been crudely lumped together.
"It's normal to think that way when you first meet someone," Liang Zhiyao curled his lips, "Who told you to use so many tricks?"
Some things probably only take time to prove. Tan Xu didn't argue any further and asked her, "What happened next?"
"There's no later," she laughed. "Thinking about it now, it's easy to be like this when you're in a relationship as a teenager. After all, your thoughts are still immature, and you're constantly growing and changing."
The topic ended, the noodles were finished, and the room was quiet for a while.
"What should I do? Now I regret having to listen to the story." Tan Xu smiled bitterly.
It was strange. He used to think he was very open-minded about this, but he suddenly became vulgar in her eyes. Even though Liang Zhiyao shared this experience in a joking tone, facing the fact that there was another person who liked her, her inner feelings were still complicated.
But at the same time, she knew she had no position - at the moment, he must have given her less sense of security. She was clearly the one who had been too careless about intimacy before, yet she still selfishly possessed her.
This mentality is not only vulgar, it can be said to be a bit despicable.
"So what should we do?" She thought of something and offered some comfort. "During that time when I was struggling with myself, I came up with an interesting theory. It might not be very effective in practice, and it sounds a lot like toxic chicken soup. I wonder if it can help you."
"Tell me about it?"
"How can I describe it... emotionally I can't help but feel jealous, but rationally I say that past experiences are also a part of you, which led to the person I'm in front of now. Originally, the person we liked was the one who had gone through everything and become who we are now, right? Or perhaps without our past experiences, we might never have met at all."
Tan Xu pondered her theory for a moment. "Is it similar to The Butterfly Effect? You can't erase one event alone without changing the course of other things."
"Pretty much," she said. "People are constantly shaped by their past experiences. And to put it more cryptically, what if you hadn't had a relationship before, triggering a chain reaction that led to you going to a different school? Then I wouldn't have met you."
"Meeting someone is one thing, but understanding someone requires more unexpected opportunities. I've discovered that the great thing about love is that it can suddenly make you grateful for everything you've experienced. For example, if I hadn't experienced such a severe economic crisis this year, I wouldn't have gone to that pool hall, wouldn't have met you, and the subsequent story might not have happened."
Tan Xu couldn't help laughing: "Your words are really poisonous chicken soup. Another 'paradox', right?"
She also smiled, held his face with her hands, and said gently and firmly:
"In short, although it's hard for me to look at this matter rationally right now, when I think about how it was the accumulation of all our past experiences that brought us together, I suddenly feel that... every experience can be used to express gratitude."
Author's Note
Reversible light path
author
08-24
Back home for vacation -w- I'm so happy to be at home petting my cat and posting a new chapter. I'll try to update early in the evening these days, and it should be finished in 3 chapters.
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