forgive
The ward door was pushed open very lightly and slowly, making a slight, sigh-like "creaking" sound, as if the person pushing the door had used up all his strength to muster this last, heavy courage.
Gu Nanxiao stood at the door.
Against the light, his figure appeared unusually tall, yet revealed a shaky, almost broken fragility.
He was so thin that he was almost unrecognizable. The clothes that once fit him now hung loosely on him, as if they were on a skeleton. His cheeks were sunken and his beard was untidy. He looked particularly haggard and dejected, as if he had aged ten years overnight.
He was still wearing the wrinkled, seemingly never-washed, Nancheng No. 1 Middle School uniform shirt, stained with dried paint or dust and sawdust.
It was like stubbornly clinging to the last bit of connection with her, clinging to the brief past that still had her.
The whole person looked like he had collapsed from a long, cruel, and ultimately disastrous war.
Carrying a dusty body, deep despair and a sadness that seems to never be washed away and has penetrated into the bones.
His eyes, almost greedily and with a huge fear that almost crushed him, instantly locked onto the figure on the hospital bed who was so thin that it seemed as if it would turn into smoke and disappear at any time.
When he saw the cold, flashing data instruments surrounding her, the dense, purple needle marks on the back of her hands, and her cheeks, pale and transparent like glass, as if they would break at the slightest touch...
His body began to tremble violently and uncontrollably, like a leaf that was shivering and about to be torn apart in the autumn wind.
Tears suddenly burst out, gushing out, blurring all his vision and sliding hotly down his thin cheeks.
He even had to hold on to the cold door frame with his hands, his nails almost digging into the door paint, just to barely support his body which was about to collapse and kneel on the ground.
He opened his mouth, but no sound came out, only heavy and broken breathing.
He moved to the bedside step by step, extremely difficultly, as if he was walking on red-hot charcoal, and each step was accompanied by piercing pain.
Every step he took seemed to use up his last bit of strength in this world, carrying endless regret and despair.
"For music..."
He spoke, his voice broken and hoarse as if it had been repeatedly ground by a grinding wheel, with a thick, uncontrollable cry and deep fear.
Jiang Yile slowly turned his head and looked at him.
Her gaze was calm, like a bottomless pool reflecting the afterglow of the setting sun. There was no resentment, no anger, no accusation, only the indifference and exhaustion of having experienced all the pain, struggle, despair, and ultimately returned to dust, and...
A subtle, complex trace of tenderness and compassion.
She looked at him in such a state of disgrace, in such pain, as if he was crushed by the weight of the world, and at his face completely destroyed by guilt and sadness.
Then, she smiled at him very weakly, but clearly.
This smile was pale and powerless, like the last flicker of a dying candle in the wind, but it was like the sharpest, poisoned dagger, which pierced Gu Nanxiao's already broken and vulnerable heart fiercely and accurately in a gentle and cruel way.
"You... heard everything?"
He asked in a hoarse voice, referring to his confession and remorse by her bedside on that rainy night.
His body was shaking like a spasm and he could barely stand.
Jiang Yile looked at his eyes filled with tears, despair and humble pleading, and nodded gently.
The movement was small, but it carried a heavy, unquestionable confirmation.
“I’m sorry… I’m sorry…”
The immense pain and guilt, like a tsunami, completely overwhelmed him in an instant.
He choked and could not say anything other than these three pale, meaningless words. Language seemed so poor at this moment.
With a plop, he knelt straight down beside her bed without any dignity.
His hands were tightly grasping the white sheets, his knuckles were a deathly white from the extreme force, and the veins on the back of his hands were bulging like vines of despair.
He lowered his head, resting his forehead heavily on the cold edge of the bed, his shoulders shaking violently, and he let out a suppressed and desperate whimper from the depths of his soul, like a wounded beast.
Crying like a helpless child abandoned by the whole world who had made a terrible mistake.
All the concealment, all the disguise, all the pain, all the guilt, all the unrequited love, all the regrets.
At this moment, faced with the stark and cruel reality of his impending death, the dam completely burst open, surging out, completely swallowing and crushing him.
All his strength and indifference collapsed at this moment, leaving only the most primitive and deepest pain and remorse.
Jiang Yile looked at him kneeling beside the bed, looking at his extremely thin back as he curled up and trembled in extreme pain.
Listening to his desperate crying from the depths of his soul, as if he was about to vomit his soul out.
Her tears also slid down silently, soaking her temples and making them feel cold.
She used to hate it.
She hated the driver who hit her, hated the unfair fate that took away her healthy future, and hated this useless body that bound her.
When she first learned the truth, she couldn't accept it or understand that the young man who made her heart beat was actually the one who caused all this pain, and might even have approached her with a compensatory mentality.
The feeling of being deceived and teased by fate almost tore her apart.
However, seeing him in such agony, as if he were suffering in the frying pan of hell, and listening to his desperate cries that seemed to make his internal organs cry out, all that intense, burning hatred suddenly dissipated slowly and silently like a beach washed by endless tears, leaving only a wet, empty sadness.
What can hatred change?
I wish I could turn back time, prevent the accident on that rainy night from happening, prevent her body from recovering, and prevent them from returning to the parallel world before they met where they had nothing to do with each other.
Hatred will only make the living more miserable and make their last moments full of hostility.
He was just another poor guy whose life was destroyed by that accident.
He was burdened with heavy shackles that she could not imagine, and lived in endless regret and self-punishment.
Isn't his life just a slow torture with no end in sight?
His life was no easier than hers.
He may even have to spend his entire life carrying this sin, which may be more cruel than death.
A huge compassion and relief that transcended personal grudges surged into her heart like a warm tide, soothing the sharp pain.
She looked at him as if she were looking at a lost child who had also been hurt by fate.
She struggled and extremely slowly raised the hand that was not receiving an IV drip and was so thin that only skin and bones were left, and the shape of the tiny bones could almost be seen. Using the last bit of strength left in her body, she gently placed it on the back of his hand that was tightly grasping the bed sheet and trembling violently, with a sense of comfort and forgiveness.
The cold, almost temperatureless, light touch was like a strong electric current that instantly hit Gu Nanxiao.
He was shocked as if he was scalded, his crying stopped abruptly, and his body stiffened.
He raised his head in disbelief, slowly, and almost in panic, looking at her with tearful and blurry eyes.
He saw traces of tears on her face, her weakness and the passing of her life, but he also saw that her eyes, which had always been clear, were now filled with something he had never dared to ask for - a broad, calm forgiveness and compassion as deep as the sea.
"Gu Nanxiao..." Her voice was soft and weak, like a spider silk swaying in the wind, about to break, but it was clearly transmitted into his deafening silent world, word by word, "Don't cry."
She paused, gathering her meager strength, and then uttered those words that seemed magical yet incredibly heavy, like the final judgment and amnesty:
"I forgive you."
These five words, like a final pardon, did not bring relief. Instead, they made Gu Nanxiao's tears flow even harder, more violently, and more desperately.
He would rather she hated him, scolded him, beat him, cursed him with the most vicious words, and made him suffer eternal damnation, than to forgive him calmly and with divine compassion like this.
This forgiveness, like the gentlest yet sharpest knife, completely shattered his last bit of self-deception defense and the last excuse he had to hide in guilt.
The naked exposure of his sins and her selfless forgiveness caused him more pain than any punishment could have caused him.
"No... You shouldn't forgive me... You shouldn't..." He shook his head in great pain, his voice broken and incoherent, like a stubborn child, "I've hurt you... I've destroyed everything you have... I'd rather... I'd rather die... I'm willing to trade everything I have for your health..."
He was incoherent, leaving only the most instinctive and desperate cry.
"It was just...an accident."
Jiang Yile took a breath and tried hard to adjust his weak breathing.
As she continued speaking, her eyes passed over his trembling shoulders and looked out the window at the sky dyed with a sad and beautiful color by the setting sun, as if the last life was burning.
"I hated it... I hated it so much... I hated why it was me... why I could only live to eighteen... why I couldn't be like others..."
Her eyes were filled with infinite attachment to life and deep, irreparable, huge regrets, as vast as the starry sky.
"I still have so much... things I want to do... places I want to go... paintings I want to paint..."
"I want to see the sea... I heard the water is blue, with no end in sight... I want to go to the desert to see the stars... The stars there must be big and bright, like diamonds... I want to paint every sunrise and sunset in the world... Every light is different..."
"I want to be like a normal person... go to college... fall in love... get married... have children... watch them grow up... and then I can grow old... my hair turns white, my teeth fall out..."
Her voice became weaker and weaker, and every word she said was like an extremely heavy hammer, hitting Gu Nanxiao's heart hard, making him feel so painful that he could hardly breathe. His heart seemed to be tightly grasped by an invisible hand and was about to burst.
He bit his lips hard, tasting the strong smell of blood, and barely suppressed the heart-wrenching cry that was about to burst through his throat.
Every one of her dreams was the most silent yet powerful accusation of his sins.
She withdrew her gaze and looked back at his tear-stained face, which was filled with pain and guilt. She tried very hard to force a smile.
That smile was as weak as the last flicker of a dying candle, yet it carried a heartbreaking, final plea:
"Gu Nanxiao...promise me one thing, okay?"
He raised his tearful eyes and looked at her greedily, without blinking, as if he wanted to describe her appearance.
Her expression at that moment, the light in her eyes, were deeply and forever engraved into the depths of her soul, into her bones and blood, and brought her to eternal hell.
"After I die... you can only be sad for a while... you can't... be sad forever..."
"You must eat well... sleep well... live well... go see the future world for me... and experience the life I cannot experience for me..."
“Go see the sea for me…go to the desert to see the stars for me…paint for me…the scenery I didn’t have time to paint…feel the sunshine, feel the wind, feel this world for me…”
"Otherwise... I won't be at peace... I won't be able to leave with peace of mind... I will be in another world, and I will be very sad..."
Her voice became weaker and weaker, and her eyes began to become a little unfocused, like the last, faint sway of a candle in the wind, but she still looked into his eyes persistently, with her final and complete expectation, waiting for his answer, waiting for a promise.
Gu Nanxiao bit his lower lip tightly, using all his strength. Blood flowed down the corner of his mouth, staining his pale skin red, with a salty smell like rust.
He looked at her eyes, which were still gentle and clear at the end of her life, filled with pleading and expectation, and looked at his own miserable and sinful self reflected in them.
Finally, using up the last bit of his remaining strength, he nodded heavily and with difficulty, as if carrying the weight of the entire world and her unfinished life.
A promise, a shackle.
A heavy vow that will take the rest of your life to fulfill.
"……good."
That one word seemed to have drained all his oxygen.
Broken and hoarse, yet with an unquestionable determination that was like sinking into hell.
After receiving his promise, which was as heavy as a mountain and sworn with his life, Jiang Yile showed a relieved, shallow smile on his face, as pure and fragile as the first lotus after the rain.
That smile, like a night-blooming cereus that blooms quietly in the night and quickly withers, is extremely beautiful and extremely short-lived, carrying with it the satisfaction and tranquility of fulfilling one's last wish.
She closed her eyes slowly and contentedly.
The cold hand covering the back of his hand finally lost its last bit of strength and slid down silently and lightly.
Like a feather, it finally fell to the ground.
Like a butterfly, it stopped fluttering its wings.
At the same time, the life monitor beside the bed, which was making regular beeping sounds and symbolizing the pulsation of life, showed an fluctuating green curve representing the heartbeat.
After issuing a few sharp and irregular alarms, like the last struggle, it suddenly stretched into a straight, cold, lifeless, eternal line.
“Beep——————”
The long and piercing, seemingly endless beeping sound that pronounced death, like a final verdict, suddenly resounded in the ward that had instantly fallen into silence, and also resounded in Gu Nanxiao's world that had instantly collapsed and turned into ruins.
Outside the window, the setting sun finally sank completely into the horizon, and the last trace of orange-red light was greedily swallowed up by the deep, boundless, and cold night.
The world fell into darkness.
Gu Nanxiao was stunned, like a puppet with its soul taken away, losing all perception. He just stared blankly and empty at her pale face on the hospital bed, which was peaceful and seemed to be in deep sleep.
Those eyes that were once filled with stars and smiles will never open again.
The lips that once smiled brightly at him would never move again.
The life that once warmed his dark world is gone.
He reached out his hand, tremblingly and cautiously, wanting to touch her cheek again.
The fingertips suddenly stopped just inches away from the skin.
As if he was afraid that his dirty, sinful touch would disturb her eternal sleep, which she had earned with all her effort.
The whole world collapsed before his eyes, shattering into billions of sharp fragments, each of which reflected her last smile and his endless regret.
Then, these fragments were quickly swallowed up and annihilated by the boundless, eternal, cold darkness.
He had lost all voice, all feeling, all thought.
Only the sharp, continuous, death knell-like "tick--" sound remained, like a cold, huge nail, nailing him forever and firmly to the darkest moment of his life when she left.
Everything is silent, only the echo of heartbreak echoes in the empty and dead chest.
It will vibrate and resonate endlessly until the end of life.
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