Chapter 5 Do you regret it?
Xia Li was lost in thought, counting the fallen leaves from the trees downstairs. When she looked up again, she summarized her years of suppressed emotions in one sentence, but revealed nothing else, confiding in a third party.
"Sheng Minyang, I'm sorry."
Sheng Mingyang waited for Xia Li for a long time, but when she only said this one sentence, he became anxious and frustrated. He grabbed her shoulders, frowned, and shook her, demanding, "Why? Xia Li, you were forced, weren't you? You were forced! Tell me you were forced! As long as you tell me, I can help you, I will definitely help you!"
Xia Li bit her lower lip, her eyes darting around as she was bombarded with questions; she didn't know how to answer.
The person who should have been flustered remained calm, while the person who should have been detached was inwardly panicked. Sheng Mingyang's heart was tangled with unresolved issues, leaving him speechless with frustration.
"Xia Li, did your mother threaten you?"
"I told you, I can help you."
Sheng Minyang spoke of this from when she was nineteen to when she was twenty-five.
Once upon a time, there was a boy, seventeen years old, whose eyes held the essence of spring. Spring, too, has its rainy season. His eyes, which had never shed a tear before, brimmed with tears as he choked out to her:
"Xia Li, I can help you."
Her entire seventeenth year was also his seventeenth year.
His promised protection, his actions, from the time she turned seventeen and beyond.
Xia Li doesn't understand what it means to like.
Perhaps because Xia Qingqing was having a rough time, she kept telling her that "suitable" meant "like," and that she should find the right person in the future.
She knew the word "Xia Huan" and understood the literal meaning of "like," but she didn't know what liking was or what kind of feeling it brought.
She and Sheng Minyang were not a good match, so she didn't like him. She didn't know that when Sheng Minyang said "I can help you," he meant "I like you."
She also didn't know that Ji Ling, whom she had met by chance nine years ago during a campus filming, said with tears in his eyes a year later that he also meant he liked her.
It wasn't just about helping her, but also about helping himself—to save his body that had drowned in the cold, deep sea, and to save his heart that had exhausted its last pulse and was still unable to beat.
With a simple "Let's both be quiet for a while," she effectively drowned his life, which was hanging by a thread.
Her words proved prophetic, and eight years passed without a trace.
Sheng Minyang turned around, opened a pack of cigarettes, put it in his mouth and prepared to light it, but seeing that Xia Li was still beside him, he silently put it back, along with his complicated emotions.
"When are you getting married?" he asked in a hoarse voice.
"next month."
"Specific date?"
It's easy to get information out of Xia Li; she's guileless and honestly answers whatever people ask.
But at this moment she lowered her head and remained silent.
"It's not decided yet."
Xia Li's lying was clumsy, and Sheng Minyang saw through it immediately. Seeing that she genuinely didn't want to reveal anything, he stopped pressing for details and, controlling his emotions, asked, "Are you inviting me?"
After a long, stiff silence, Xia Li shook her head with difficulty.
Sheng Minyang let out a breath, wiped his lips dryly, and smiled: "Okay, I'll wait for you."
Some words rot in the soil and never turn into spring mud.
How long is a person's life? Xia Li lay on the sofa, pondering the question that suddenly popped into her mind.
Now 25 years old, she slightly turned her head, glancing at the wedding dresses stacked one after another in the dressing room.
She got up and walked over, casually picked out the top piece, and stood in front of the mirror to try it on herself. The meticulously crafted design and fabric fit her figure perfectly. Just by holding it in her hand, you could tell at a glance that it was custom-made for her.
Is this appropriate?
Do you like it?
She had never thought about this question, nor had she ever thought that she would get married, let alone that she would marry Ji Ling.
Her relationship with Ji Ling was more like a dream from her youth. Without the youthful spirit, her dream shattered in the summer of her eighteenth year, shattered in the photography club, and shattered by a photography award that should have had nothing to do with her.
As she pieced together her memories, her pale, bloodless lips gradually turned crimson from being bitten by her teeth.
Her phone suddenly rang, and Ji Ling's message pulled her back to reality.
Ji Ling: We registered our marriage at 2 PM today.
Ji Ling: I'm waiting for you.
The notice was given at the last minute. In order not to be scolded like last time, Xia Li arrived at the Civil Affairs Bureau half an hour early. People were coming and going, but she did not see Ji Ling for a long time.
Ten minutes had passed since 2 o'clock. Based on my previous understanding of Ji Ling, given his temperament, it was absolutely impossible for him to be late, and the possibility of him standing me up was also unlikely.
Did he regret it?
Xia Li looked around.
Perhaps I really regret it.
She looked down, somewhat disappointed.
This man is so strange. He provoked her for no reason, and then didn't say a word afterward. He didn't even bother to send a message before breaking their promise.
Her hands trembled uncontrollably, her eyes glazed over, and she couldn't focus on the screen.
look up.
Xia Li was somewhat surprised, astonished that he was still there. After hearing Ji Ling's words, she responded with an emoji and casually looked in a certain direction.
The sky was level, and the blazing sun shone obliquely.
In that instant, she truly realized that the person before her was no longer the youthful and flamboyant face she remembered, but rather one that exuded maturity and composure, revealing a pair of gentle eyes as warm as spring.
She was immersed in spring again.
"Come on, stop standing there like an idiot."
"
Ji Ling had already walked up to her, raising his chin to gesture for her to come forward.
Xia Li ignored his words and followed behind him with her head down, staring blankly at the alternating steps of him.
Ahead lay ninety-nine square bricks, followed by nine more steps, symbolizing longevity. Unfortunately, this did not apply to them. Their gazes focused and then spread, spread and then focused again. As Ji Ling took a step, she took a step as well.
She didn't realize it until Ji Ling stopped; she had unknowingly climbed several steps on her own.
There were only nine people to begin with, a pitifully small number, and she left almost half of them, nearly ending up getting her marriage certificate alone.
The steps were like her relationship with Ji Ling—few words exchanged, barely any conversation. Perhaps her solitary state at this moment was a microcosm of her life after marrying Ji Ling.
She trembled involuntarily in the wind.
Although she still doesn't understand why Ji Ling married her, nor does she know what Ji Ling is thinking, she knows that what she needs to do now is to give this familiar yet unfamiliar man the first experience of her life.
Seeing that Ji Ling didn't move and was still standing on the brick, she turned around and beckoned to him with similar words, "Come on."
"I'll have a smoke." Ji Ling was unusually honest and didn't say anything confusing as he responded to her.
"You still smoke?" Xia Li was surprised. She didn't like the smell of smoke, but when it came to Ji Ling, she pictured him smoking.
Perhaps his long, slender fingers would hold the cigarette firmly, the crimson flame flickering, reflecting in his slightly lowered eyes. Smoke would drift from the corner of his lips, blurring his tightly pursed jaw. His fingertips would unintentionally caress the cigarette, and when the wind swept by, the sparks on the cigarette butt would suddenly leap up...
Ji Ling is no longer the boy he once was. From being able to talk about anything, there are now many things she doesn't know about him.
While she was still deep in thought, Ji Ling's voice came again: "No, it's my first time."
Xia Li was amused by his serious demeanor, and the atmosphere between them was no longer stiff, but rather more humorous.
"Shall I teach you?" She mustered her courage, took advantage of the wind, stood on a step slightly higher than him, and whispered to him in a gentle voice.
The wind carried her unspoken words to his ears, nestled beside him, whistling softly as it whispered her secret.
"You smoke?" Ji Ling's expression was not good. He appeared calm and indifferent on the surface, but the breathy sound coming from his nose betrayed him.
Xia Li had something he didn't know about, and they could no longer share countless secrets as before.
Now, he can only rely on simple small talk and clumsy methods to test her and get to know her.
"I don't smoke, and this is my first time," Xia Li replied, afraid he would overthink things.
"Then what's the point of saying anything?" You made him panic for nothing.
"I really have something to say." Xia Li smiled, her smile tinged with sadness, looking exceptionally broken, as if it would vanish in the next second. She said, "Ji Ling, what you want to do, I also want to do. What you hesitate about, I also hesitate about."
She had a calm expression and had turned completely around to face him directly.
The wind ruffled her hair, obscuring her cold, sorrowful eyes, as if deceiving her, but at the same time, it brought something even more chilling than those eyes to Ji Ling.
This was not deception; the words, though seemingly harmless, were as sharp as a knife, piercing right into the heart of Ji Ling.
"It's not too late to regret it now, Ji Ling. I always felt that we weren't right for each other, that things always just didn't work out, that we were always just a little bit off."
For her, a near misunderstanding led to their separation; a near-miss explanation remained buried in her heart; and a near-miss moment left her hesitant and indecisive.
It was almost delivered.
For him, there were unspoken thoughts, almost unsaid; almost confessed feelings, almost unspoken; and almost future plans, yet filled with hesitation.
He almost protected her for the rest of her life.
But the distance between them, the near miss, felt so long and so far. It took Ji Ling eight years to get to where they were, even with love and hate intertwined, even with their hesitation and setbacks.
Ji Ling never smoked. Nicotine is addictive, but it can also regulate emotions. He wanted to try using tobacco to remind and numb himself, but when he heard Xia Li say his thoughts, he couldn't help but feel dissatisfied. Why? Why could she treat him like this!
So he walked up to Xia Li and, in a voice only she could hear, with a whisper that only they could exchange, he pressed his ear close to hers and asked:
"Do you regret it?"
"I..." Xia Li stammered, then gently shook her head, finally answering, "I don't regret it."
Me too.
"I have no regrets."
"It's a done deal that you'll marry me; our marriage is as solid as a rock."
He was dissatisfied with her, dissatisfied with her quiet ending back then, yet he loved her tenderness, loved her brokenness, loved her a thousand times over, and still thought she was the best.
After he finished speaking, he pulled away, and Xia Li was able to see his face clearly. It was as if someone who had been cold for a long time had finally encountered a warm current that belonged to him, and was unwilling to let go or release his grip.
Then a trembling thumb came at her. No one could ignore the sudden appearance of a pair of hands with distinct knuckles. Xia Li tried to dodge, but was grabbed by Ji Ling's other large hand.
My fingertips gently touched my cool lips; the icy touch was even colder than the temperature of my lips. I rubbed my dry lips, almost putting them into my mouth.
"Your lip color is very light."
Xia Li turned her head away shyly, lowering her head and not daring to meet his gaze.
After a long silence, Ji Ling said, "Let's go home."
"Mmm." She subconsciously bit her lip and nodded, while her tongue inadvertently licked the corner that Ji Ling had just touched.
Is it really that light?
Xia Li didn't think much of it and was about to pick up her phone to call a taxi when Ji Ling suddenly reached out and blocked her view.
"Didn't we look at the contract?" Ji Ling asked.
"Yes, I've seen them all," Xia Li replied.
"I don't need to repeat what's written in the contract."
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