32. Where are you going?
It was a rare night of good sleep for Tang Sizhuo. Although he occasionally mumbled in his sleep, it was mostly normal. After closing his eyes, his consciousness drifted peacefully into the quiet darkness. Even his dreams were very sparse, seemingly consisting of insignificant fragments that wouldn't wake him up.
The bedroom curtains were thick, blocking out all natural light. Tang Sizhuo's body clock was relatively stable, but last night's long sleep was so unfamiliar that he couldn't tell the time when he opened his eyes. Zeng Xiasheng was still sitting by the bed, his head tilted against the back of the chair, dozing. His eyes were dark blue from exhaustion, but even his breathing was light.
Tang Sizhuo didn't move, but just turned his head and looked at him quietly under the bedside lamp that was always on.
Men in prison are typically shaved bald upon arrival, but now, with increased humaneness, prisoners are allowed to grow their hair out slowly for two or three months before release, allowing them to more quickly integrate into society. Tang Sizhuo remembers Zeng Xiasheng's hair never growing long, even during the height of K-pop's popularity. She never questioned him, but she vaguely suspected it was either to save time or shampoo, or both. Short hair is convenient and neat, but Zeng Xiasheng's hair looks like he's cut it himself, ensuring it's long enough to cover his scalp, making it look rough and prickly.
When she'd heard people say that appearance reflects the heart, Tang Sizhuo's first thought was Zeng Xiasheng. He was quick-tempered and irritable, even his eyelashes were stiff. Sometimes, as a joke, she'd cover his eyes, and his eyelashes would brush against her palm like a brush, leaving no room for tenderness.
After ten years behind bars, deprived of sunlight, his skin seemed to be whiter than before. Tang Sizhuo examined it carefully for a while, but still couldn't be sure. She didn't have any photos of Zeng Xiasheng, only memories of him, tanned from years of hard work. In the summer, when Zeng Xiasheng carried her on his back and Tang Sizhuo's arm was draped around his neck, the color difference seemed to separate the two people.
She didn't move at all. She didn't know how Zeng Xiasheng noticed the movement. He suddenly opened his eyes, met Tang Sizhu's eyes, and subconsciously reached out and patted her quilt gently.
"What time is it?" Tang Sizhu asked.
Zeng Xiasheng picked up her phone from the bedside table and glanced at it. His voice was hoarse, "It's not even eight o'clock yet, it's still early. Do you want to sleep a little longer?"
Tang Sizhuo shook his head and said softly, "Go to sleep. I'm fine. I'm already awake."
Zeng Xiasheng stared at her for a long moment, trying to find any reluctance in those amber pupils. But Tang Sizhuo's tone was sincere and his expression calm, as if he had truly recovered from a night's rest. So he stood up, put the chair back in front of the dressing table, and hesitantly replied, "I'll make breakfast first. I'll go to bed after you take your medicine."
After he left the bedroom, Tang Sizhuo slowly got up, found a set of clean pajamas in the closet, and prepared to take a shower. After Zeng Xiasheng's explicit words last night, her brain was perhaps overwhelmed with information, unable to process them, or perhaps she suddenly couldn't figure out how to face Zeng Xiasheng. Her instinctive avoidance, all these entanglements converging, caused her mind to completely shut down. She felt drowsy in the taxi on the way back, and after washing and changing at home, she fell into a deep sleep.
The bathroom laundry basket was as spotless as ever; Zeng Xiasheng washed and changed clothes as she went, never throwing them in. Tang Sizhuo stripped naked, not wanting to see her emaciated figure in the mirror. She turned to the shower, but even with the hottest setting, it still felt cold. She had just woken up, her temperature was low, and she sneezed twice. She suddenly remembered that the kitchen and bathroom shared a gas water heater, something her landlord had advised her not to do when she moved in. She was debating whether to dry her hair and wash it later when the water suddenly increased in volume, becoming noticeably warmer.
As if awakened by the slightly warm water, Tang Sizhuo sighed deeply as he scalded. Zeng Xiasheng was actually quite intelligent, grasping many things without needing to be taught. For example, realizing that her use of water in the bathroom would lower the water temperature in the kitchen, he quickly countered and turned off the hot water in the kitchen. Had he been born into a more affluent family, whose parents recognized the value of education, he wouldn't have only attended vocational high school, and wouldn't still be nearing thirty and still have never left Jiangming.
Steam quickly dissipated, filling every corner of the bathroom. Tang Sizhuo felt a strong sense of self-loathing in the suffocating whiteness. Even if Zeng Xiasheng hadn't finished his education, he would have had other options. If he hadn't gotten involved with her, he might have married someone else, had children, and lived a normal, stable, and happy life.
The girls in vocational high schools simply struggled academically for various reasons, but they weren't stupid. After adolescence filled with casual romance and fun, they began considering the realities of marriage and family much earlier than the studiously obedient girls. They used to think Zeng Xiasheng was poor and boring, lacking in fashion and playfulness, toiling away like an ox outside of class, at most playing basketball with the boys, and rarely speaking to him throughout the year. However, when their goal shifted to starting a family and finding a partner, all of these flaws were instantly reversed, transforming him into "calm, reliable, hardworking, and honest." Even his temper was more than enough to make him stand out among the crowd of hard-working young men who smoked, drank, and acted like scoundrels.
Zeng Xiasheng spent the past decade as a nobody, like dust in a corner. But as he neared graduation from vocational high school, he suddenly became incredibly popular. Whether he was getting food from the cafeteria or interning at the workshop, there were always girls eager to accompany him. He wasn't discouraged by being ignored or even getting yelled at impatiently. After all, once you've got the girl, you're committed to your family and your loyalty.
At that time, he forbade Tang Sizhuo from going near the vocational high school and always arranged to meet her at deserted places, so Tang Sizhuo didn't know about it until very late. She couldn't explain why, but she was unhappy. Even though Zeng Xiasheng promised not to have any contact with them, she still sulked for a long time.
Zeng Xiasheng's behavior hadn't changed in the slightest since he was little. Even controlling for variables, they couldn't find the cause. So, at first, Tang Sizhuo thought she was angry with herself. She felt so despicable. She understood the pain of being ignored better than anyone else. She should be happy that Zeng Xiasheng was popular, liked, and able to fit in. How could she be angry that his mentor was no longer the only one?
Later, she snuck into the vocational high school several times, wrapped up tightly, and sat in the audience watching Zeng Xiasheng play basketball. She overheard the girls gossiping, realizing that even their advances to him were measured and controlled, with options constantly being considered. She hadn't wanted Zeng Xiasheng to find out, but Tang Sizhuo was so angry she kept crying. When he caught her, he took her off the playground and hid in the shadows behind the dormitory, and no amount of comfort could help.
She finally understood that it wasn't that she couldn't bear to see others like Zeng Xiasheng, but rather that his silence, his steadiness, even his physical strength and his short temper, were all footnotes to his suffering and shouldn't be compared. There was no real difference between those girls saying he was good now and what they said he was bad before; no one had considered his perspective or his needs.
High school student Tang Sizhuo thought she was different from them, accepting Zeng Xiasheng's every thought without reservation. However, now it seems she's even worse than them. Taking advantage of Zeng Xiasheng's special treatment, she repeatedly demanded more from him. Ten years ago, she tried to change his life trajectory, persuading him to retake the college entrance exam and leave Jiang Ming. Ten years later, she even forced him into her own life.
Go ask him, Tang Sizhuo thought. But after drying herself and changing her clothes, she couldn't find the courage to push the door open and leave.
Survival is human nature, and her spirit could not accept his departure.
As the mist cleared, she looked into the mirror at her thin face, the worry in her eyes growing more complex. Last night, Zeng Xiasheng had held her in his arms the entire night, even until the fireworks display had faded. His warmth and breath enveloped her tightly, even the throbbing sound of the explosions was drowned out by the sound of his powerful heartbeat. Tang Sizhuo recalled his words, one by one, remembering how he had said that even if they weren't lovers, they could still be friends, family, supporting each other in any way possible.
No matter what kind of relationship it is, there is no reason for one-way giving. She should respect his decision and protect his right to choose.
Tang Sizhuo lingered in the bathroom for more than half an hour. Zeng Xia was afraid that she would faint from the enclosed steam, so she asked her a few questions in a low voice. Then he slowly came out and walked to the dining table to sit down.
She was much more articulate than Zeng Xiasheng, but she still hesitated, unable to speak. First, she abruptly thanked him for his care, then asked about the repair shop's business out of nowhere. Finally, after several rounds of beating around the bush, she whispered to him, "I'm much better now. If you have something else to do, you don't have to stay with me all the time."
The voice was so soft, almost like a soliloquy, that Zeng Xiasheng didn't hear it clearly at first. He was stunned for a moment before he realized what was happening. He thought about it and said seriously, "Then I'll go out for a while. I'll be back before noon."
He didn't say where he was going, and Tang Sizhuo felt she shouldn't ask. She lowered her eyes, her eyelashes trembling slightly, and nodded slowly, comforting herself mentally that he would be back at noon, which was better than expected.
Perhaps it was her illness that made her so insistent on Zeng Xiasheng's company, but his and her circles truly didn't overlap at all. Being together was forced, and it was hard not to suspect that, having started this, it was only a matter of time before they drifted further apart. Tang Sizhuo spooned her porridge, unable to swallow another mouthful. Luckily, her phone suddenly rang in the bedroom. She hurriedly fled the table, not giving herself a chance to break her promise. She rushed to the bedroom, desperately searching for her phone. It was Lin Feng calling.
Of course he didn't come to wish her a happy new year. He was so busy at the end of the year that he probably didn't even notice the New Year's Eve last night.
When she went to take her statement for the last time, Lin Feng quietly hinted on the way out that the pressure to close the case was too great at the end of the year. The higher-ups might be trying to figure out what they could find first, concluding the case with Liu Dong as the centerpiece, and then reopening it after the New Year when new leads arose. Sure enough, the early morning call was about this matter. The forum's servers, contact channels, and capital flows were all located overseas, and the city bureau couldn't figure it out. At least they'd caught a few technicians who'd left some clues, to make things look less embarrassing. They planned to close the case and then hand over the remaining leads to the provincial authorities to see if they could continue the investigation.
Tang Sizhuo wasn't in the mood for a detailed conversation, so he exchanged a few words before hanging up. Zeng Xiasheng, still sitting at the dining table, replaced a few spoonfuls of porridge in her bowl to prevent it from being too hot and uncomfortable to eat.
He'd heard snippets of her conversation and guessed that Tang Sizhuo was answering a call from Raymond Lam. Judging by her tone alone, Zeng Xiasheng was convinced Raymond Lam was telling the truth; he was indeed a close friend of Tang Sizhuo's. However, during the few days he'd been with Tang Sizhuo, he'd often felt bewildered by Raymond Lam's presence. Tang Sizhuo's background was so complex that she couldn't communicate with most women. It was hard to imagine how she could have found a close friend with such a burly man.
What Zeng Xiasheng couldn't understand even more was that Lin Feng looked about the same age as him and should have started a family long ago in a small city. However, after being friends with Tang Sizhuo for so many years, he didn't show any intention of pursuing her in their conversations.
But if Tang Sizhuo didn't speak, it meant he wasn't ready or didn't feel the need to speak. It was difficult for her to build a sense of security, and Zeng Xiasheng didn't allow herself to make any attempts.
After clearing the dishes, he put on his coat, went into the study, took out his cell phone which had been charged overnight, and waved to Tang Sizhuo while changing his shoes.
Tang Sizhuo was curled up in the corner of the sofa. Seeing him getting closer and closer to opening the security door, the sense of loss in his heart finally surged up. He couldn't control his emotions and asked him eagerly, "Where are you going?"
Zeng Xiasheng walked to the door and turned around when he heard the voice. He found that Tang Sizhuo looked depressed and her mouth was drooping listlessly. He quickly changed his shoes, walked over to sit next to her, and blamed himself for being stubborn and not asking questions without answering them.
"The lease on the house I rented is about to expire, so I'm going to go clean out my things and bring them over."
Tang Sizhuo blinked, her expression visibly brightening. She then remembered that she had only bought things based on Lin Feng's suggestions, and she was afraid that they might not fully meet Zeng Xiasheng's needs.
"Is there anything you need? You don't have to go back to get it. Just buy it online and bring it home—"
"No, nothing is missing."
The only things in the room were a few cheap winter clothes he bought after he was released from prison, and some electrical appliances he bought at the second-hand market, none of which were necessary to bring.
Zeng Xiasheng hesitated, unsure how to respond. He looked into Tang Sizhuo's clear eyes, unable to find his voice. A light sweat began to form on his palms. The air conditioner in the living room was on full blast, and the warm air was scorching his cheeks.
"I, I'm just going to get the letter you wrote."
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