Chapter 38 His Diary 2018.2......
February 20, 2018, 8:18 PM
The restaurant I work at part-time has been busy lately, and that guy hasn't been here since. I wonder if he's doing well, if he's drunk out on the street again. Every evening, I've been taking the same route home as the night we met, but I haven't run into him. The weather's been getting colder lately; this is my first winter in North City. I saw snow; it's so beautiful.
2018.3.2 Mid-Autumn Festival 18:56
He... did it again. We also had some unspeakable things happen. It hurt so much the first time. Gu Mo is a lunatic, and so am I. It's so embarrassing, it's hard to even begin. It hurts, but I did it for him. Are we really together? Sometimes I'm afraid I'll say something wrong and he'll get angry and leave. He's so secretive, never telling me anything, like... a gust of wind I can't grasp, fleeting.
April 5, 2018, 9:11 AM
Today, Gu Mo drove me to the top of a mountain to watch the sunrise. I wanted to kiss him beneath the sun, but surrounded by his friends, I didn't dare. Maybe it was because he was so handsome. I also wanted to take a picture with him, but he refused. I felt a little sad that we didn't have a picture together, not even a memory. Actually, I don't like taking pictures either; I just wanted to have one with him. In the end, I secretly took a picture of his profile. I'll take it out and look at it later when I think about it.
April 19, 2018, 7:36 PM
Gu Mo hasn't come for a long time. When he occasionally answers the phone, he always says he's busy. What is he busy with? Does he have a moment to miss me?
2018.4.20 0:18
Gu Mo didn't come.
April 21, 2018, 2:37 AM
Gu Mo didn't come.
April 22, 2018, 4:21 AM
Gu Mo didn't come.
......
May 31, 2018, 6:05 AM
Is this the end of our relationship? It's so painful. How did it end like this? What went wrong? Why isn't he answering the phone? Should I give up?
June 20, 2018, 8:24 PM
Chen Shengping is dead. This time, it was Gu Mo who picked me up. I guess I'll never be able to blame him again. This book will be about him. We've been doing well lately. Gu Mo and I went to Beihai to see the ocean. It's a little strange that Gu Mo has been spending so much lately. Maybe he really has some savings? It's not good to spend so recklessly...
July 11, 2018, 9:35 PM
I think I'm really in love with him. Gu Mo, you said you don't have a home, and I don't have a home either. I'll give you a home, so that we both have a home. Let's not separate, okay?
......
September 2, 2018, 10:18 PM
Gu Mo didn't come back.
September 3, 2018, 11:58 PM
Gu Mo didn't come back and didn't answer the phone.
September 4, 2018, 1:13 AM
Gu Mo didn't reply.
.....
2018.10.12 18:47
Gu Mo came back. We did it. We were both crazy, and it lasted until dawn. We had a few small arguments during the process, and Gu Mo got angry. I thought he would leave after we were done, so I apologized to him sadly. He hugged me and said he wasn't angry anymore. From now on, whenever I make him angry, I will do it with him, and it will make me feel better. Is there really someone with such strong desires? This time, Gu Mo stayed for a while, but left again. When will we meet again?
Gu Mo didn't reply...
......
2021.10.24 23:18
I'm planning to celebrate Gu Mo's birthday. We haven't had the habit of celebrating holidays before. Perhaps neither of us values ritual enough. And for this birthday, I want to formally confess my feelings to him and tell him I want to celebrate well. So, I'm going to make a rough draft.
Happy birthday, Gu Mo. I have something important to tell you.
I like you, I love you. I want to spend my whole life with you. A happy life, as a lifelong partner. I will be completely loyal and respectful to you, giving you my preferences and freedom. I've been thinking about this for three years, and I finally have the courage to tell you. You said you have no home, and neither do I. I'll give you a home, so that we both have one. If you haven't made up your mind, I'll wait for you, I'll always wait for you. But please give me a chance, let's continue, keep going. I don't want to be separated from you again. I love you. I can't live without you.
——
Daybreak arrived. Gu Xingjue had spent the entire night reading the story he had been writing for three years. His eyes were now red as tears streamed down his cheeks, falling onto the densely scribbled love words.
All the memories of the past three years piled up and flooded into his mind like waves. Memories were like man-eating beasts, biting him mercilessly. He could only blame the time for going by too fast and he missed so much.
How could he make up for all those hopeless days and nights of waiting?
Gu Xingjue had no idea when the crack in their relationship had appeared. Now he knew it had been there from the beginning, a crack he had carved with his own hands.
No matter how Chen Song tried to mend it, it was of no use.
The person you keep trying to keep doesn't leave suddenly, but has been preparing to leave for a long time.
On the night of Gu Xingjue's birthday, at Xie Yanchen's welcoming banquet, he had already forgotten about Chen Song.
Tears blurred his vision. Gu Xingjue seemed to remember something and opened the message on his phone. There were countless senders in it. He found Chen Song among the pile of letters.
Gu Xingjue didn't have the habit of checking text messages. If there was anything, he would usually just make a phone call. But why did he sometimes ignore Chen Song's calls?
Because he didn't take it seriously and felt that Chen Song had nothing important to do, even if he forgot to return the call or ignored Chen Song, he believed that Chen Song would not leave.
The last message was sent on his birthday, in which Chen Song congratulated him.
There were also photos on it, showing the dinner that Chen Song had carefully prepared for him, as well as a motorcycle-shaped cake. The cake was almost a one-to-one reproduction of Chun Feng's appearance.
Gu Xingjue felt a tight pain in his chest, and for a moment, it was difficult to breathe. A huge force was flowing through his body at the speed of light. He was like a child who had made a terrible mistake, panicking but not knowing how to make amends. He was stunned and uneasy.
Going further up, Chen Song asked him about some daily news.
Gu Xingjue didn't understand why Chen Song kept sending messages even though he hadn't replied once. It was too cruel, and he didn't dare to read any more.
He kept reading as if punishing himself until he had read all the messages Chen Song had sent in the past three years.
Gu Xingjue's bones couldn't stop trembling. He was exhausted but couldn't fall asleep. His throbbing nerves were constantly straining. He made a phone call.
"Hey, Master."
Gu Xingjue's voice was hoarse: "Help me find someone."
Soon the news came:
"Master, Mr. Chen went to Wen City in the South City."
Gu Xingjue suddenly sat up, Wen City, Nancheng?
A terrible thought arose in my mind: Chen Song was gone and would never come back.
Chen Song really doesn't want him anymore.
——
The winter chill in the south city is different from that in the north; it's a bone-piercing, damp chill. No matter how thickly you dress, the wind will always find its way silently through the gaps, chilling your skin inch by inch and seeping into your blood.
In his three years at university, Chen Song had only returned home once, when Chen Shengping died. Now, returning to his hometown, he felt a mixture of emotions. His plan had been to put down roots in Beijing, never to return to this heartbreaking place.
But a child who has suffered so much outside will eventually want to return to his homeland and find the "mother" he has relied on for years. North City is not suitable for him after all. The winter is long, the snow is so heavy, and it is so cold. How can he survive without a trace of warmth?
After leaving the station, Chen Song finally saw the green mountains and clear waters of Jiangnan. Tears welled up in his eyes for a long time. For some reason, he always wanted to cry.
In the end, no tears were shed.
Although Chen Shengping achieved nothing, his grandfather, who passed away young, left the three brothers three three-story houses as an inheritance. Chen Song's home lies in the countryside south of Vancouver. Surrounded by fields stretching for hundreds of miles, wildflowers bloom in spring, frogs and insects chirp in summer, and fruits and vegetables waft in the air in autumn.
Chen Song had saved a considerable sum over the past three years, accumulating scholarships, competition prizes, and part-time jobs. He indulged himself for once and took an online taxi home. It was already dark when he arrived, and Chen Song had slept the entire way home. When he opened his eyes, he gazed blearily at the house, which felt familiar yet unfamiliar.
The driver helped unload the luggage and Chen Song thanked him.
There were ten three-story houses in a row. Chen Song's house was on the far left, and the two houses next to it belonged to his eldest and second uncles. However, his eldest and second uncles had moved away with their families a long time ago, and the three houses looked very run-down and unmaintained.
Chen Song fished his keys from his bag and opened the front door. A foul, musty smell choked his nose and nose. The interior was sparsely decorated, with cracks growing on the walls and moss filling the gaps. Only the first floor had granite flooring; the whitewashed walls had peeled considerably, and the first-floor staircase was still unfinished concrete. The staircase connecting to the third floor was now partitioned by wooden planks, making a heavy sound when stepped on. It felt hollow underfoot, unsafe, and insecure.
The light bulb had been dim from not being used for a long time. Chen Song walked back and forth in the dimness, quietly having a silent conversation with his old friend whom he had not seen for a long time.
He returned weathered by the wind and frost, bringing with him the merciless snow drifting across the north city; it still stood here unmoved by the wind and rain, accommodating the dust of time and aging.
Finally, Chen Song put aside the dust of three years of travel and fell asleep in the ruins. He was awakened by a phone call the next morning.
Chen Song still hadn't gotten used to the stuffy air in the room. He answered the phone, stood up, and opened the window. The window made a harsh sound, and the cold morning breeze blew in, which made him quite sober.
"Hello?" Chen Song's voice was hoarse.
"Hello? Chen Song, are you on winter break?" A familiar voice echoed through the phone, a voice that hadn't been heard in a while yet still felt fresh. "Are you coming back for the New Year this year? My mom keeps asking you to come back and celebrate with her. She said that if you don't come back this year, she's planning to take the whole family on a trip to Beijing to spend the New Year with you."
Chen Song's sleepiness faded, and after moistening his throat, he said, "Lu Yuan, I..."
"Hey, don't disbelieve me, my mom really said that." Seeing that he didn't believe her, Lu Yuan said seriously, "She's already looking at the tickets. After I ask you, she'll probably buy one. She said she'll go there around the 27th or 28th of the lunar calendar. You have to welcome us and take us..."
Chen Song watched the sun rise in the early morning. A few floating clouds obscured its glare, creating a soft and relaxing scene. A few birds chirped from the telephone poles.
Chen Song said: "I'm going home."
"Ah?" Lu Yuan's chattering suddenly became hoarse, and he said in a daze, "Go home? Go back to which home? Your rental house in Beijing? Or..." His voice was filled with unconcealed excitement and joy.
Chen Song raised the corner of his lips slightly and looked at Richu: "Yes, home in Wen City, South City. I'm back."
"Holy crap! Is this true? The sun rises from the west? No!" Lu Yuan yelled, "Why didn't you tell me you were back earlier? Are you still brothers? You didn't even tell me in advance!"
He took a moment to digest it, and then he looked like he was about to cry: "We've been friends for so many years, and you didn't tell me the first time you came back. It was all in vain!!!"
Chen Song held the phone a little further away, and waited until the other person had finished venting his anger before putting it back to his ear: "I just got back yesterday, I was too tired to sleep all night. I didn't have time to talk to you. Isn't it just right that you called back?"
Lu Yuan snorted softly, "You're kidding me, Chen Song. If I hadn't called you today to ask you, how could you possibly remember me? Don't I know you well enough?"
Chen Song paused and tightened his grip on the phone.
Yes, the only person in the world who could be considered to understand him was probably Lu Yuan. Lu Yuan knew his preferences and temperament, but there was no love between them, but rather the only friendship that Chen Song had.
Perhaps he had stayed in North City for too long, so long that he had forgotten his old life. Lu Yuan and he were not in the same university, and gradually they lost contact.
Chen Song apologized: "I'm sorry, how about I treat you to a meal?"
Lu Yuan chuckled and said, "Oh, you're doing pretty well in Beijing. You're a big shot now. You can even treat a country bumpkin like me to dinner."
Chen Song smiled helplessly and said, "You want to eat or not? If you don't eat, I won't make time for you."
Lu Yuan was anxious: "Eat, eat, eat, that's your attitude towards treating people. I'm really impressed by you. My mom misses you too. When are you free to come and see her?"
Chen Song hesitated for a moment and said, "I'm afraid not right now. I have to clean up the house. I'll come visit you after I'm settled."
Lu Yuan said, "How about this, why don't you just come to our house for New Year's Eve dinner this year? My mom said she wants to eat with you this year anyway. She asks you to come every year, but you never come back. There are only three of us in our family. My parents, me, and you, the four of us will celebrate the New Year together. My parents have grown tired of other relatives over the years and don't have any contact with them anymore."
Chen Song thought for a moment and said, "Okay. I understand."
"Okay, I'll tell my mom later! I just came back two days ago, and the first thing my mom talked about when I got back was you. She will definitely be very happy when she knows. I even doubted if I was her biological child, you look like hers." Lu Yuan said with a smile, and there was a hint of joking dissatisfaction in his tone.
Lu Yuan changed the subject and asked mysteriously, "Have you had any affairs with girls in college these past few years? Tell me the truth!"
The morning light in the distance began to shine brightly, and the hazy clouds had dispersed with the morning dew. Chen Song's eyes felt a little sore. He blinked lightly, lowered his eyes to look at the shallow scar on the base of his hand, and did not answer.
It's hard to find the words to describe Gu Xingjue. A few simple sentences won't be enough to sum him up, and a long story wouldn't know where to begin...
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