The hospital was very close to the shop where they drank mutton soup. After a five-minute walk, Lin Chaoxi followed Lao Lin and stood outside a circle of gray and white concrete walls.
On a snowy night, the hospital lobby was cold and empty. The health posters on the wall were trembling because the windows were not closed tightly.
If it weren't for the two red words "Registered" at the cash register in the lobby, Lin Chaoxi would have thought he had mistakenly entered an ordinary old building.
She subconsciously grabbed Lao Lin's arm. Lao Lin led her to the bench, took off his coat and laid it on the cold bench: "You sit down first, I'll go register."
Lin Chaoxi loosened her hand. At night, the temperature rose again and she was shivering with cold, so she covered her knees with the coat that Lao Lin had taken off.
She looked around and found that the hospital was paved with the same old polished tiles as the guesthouse where they were staying. The lower half of the walls were painted with old green paint. The chandeliers in the corridor were covered with green lampshades, and the bulbs emitted a dim and yellowish light.
Suddenly, she seemed to go back to more than ten years ago.
Although there were noisy and sharp sounds in his ears, this feeling was clear and distinct. Lin Zhaoxi pressed his ears and lowered his head, and hurried footsteps appeared not far away.
Someone rushed through the hall, a doctor was pushing a hospital bed, and there were young people helping the elderly to see a doctor. Lin Chaoxi could only see a corner of the doctor's white coat passing by. The hall was very dark, but the background color outside the window was clearly daytime. She pinched the bridge of her nose, and when she looked up again, Lin Chaoxi thought she saw Old Lin.
"Let's go." Lao Lin's voice rang out.
Lin Chaoxi turned her head sharply. Old Lin was not in front of her, but beside her. He held the registration form and the newly bought medical record book in his hands. He picked her up with one hand and picked up the clothes on the wooden bench with the other. His body temperature was real and he looked to be in his 40s, unlike the Old Lin she had just seen.
Just now... Just now, Lao Lin was wearing a gray jacket and a beige sweater. He was walking into the hospital, observing the floor plan, and then walking towards the information desk. His young and handsome face flashed by.
Lin Chaoxi turned her head and looked at the empty hall in front of her. She thought she was probably confused. She stared at Lao Lin in a daze and subconsciously asked a stupid question: "Are we really in the hospital?"
"Why aren't you in the hospital anymore? Many chief doctors from Yongchuan's top three hospitals have retired and have nothing to do, so they come here to make use of their spare time." Lao Lin explained.
They went straight ahead and turned right, and heard noisy voices coming from the front.
There were many people lining up in the corridor of the emergency department, and even the benches were full. But if you look closely, you can see that many patients are being supported by others. The roads are slippery due to the snow, and many patients have suffered injuries.
"Dad, you know this place quite well." Lin Chaoxi said.
"I don't know that." There were no seats, so Lao Lin asked her to stand against the wall. "I know how many people are normally in the hospital on a snowy day."
Lin Chaoxi quickly flattered him: "Master Lin, you are wise."
Lao Lin didn't say anything, but just stood beside her so that she could lean on him. People were coming and going in the corridor, and the sound was fragmented, interspersed with painful groans and bloodless faces. Lin Chaoxi stared blankly for a while, then turned her head to look at Lao Lin and asked, "Dad, are you in a bad mood?"
"No." said Lao Lin.
The corridor was obviously noisy, but Lin Chaoxi felt a silence she had never felt before. She leaned against Lao Lin and suddenly thought that what happened in the past was not that important, as she would be going back in a few days. The hospital Lao Lin brought her to was a place for medical treatment, so why should she think so much?
Just as she was comforting herself in this way, that clear yet hazy feeling came back to her again.
The surroundings darkened, the sound disappeared, but the sky outside the window in front of me was bright again. At the other end of the corridor was the clinic in the lobby, and the sky outside the window was bright and transparent again. The young Lao Lin was standing in front of the desk, asking a nurse a question.
So far away yet so close, Lin Chaoxi could almost see the worn cuffs of his old clothes and his suddenly anxious expression after hearing the answer, which made her want to go up to him and grab him, asking him what had happened.
"Lin Zhaoxi!"
Suddenly, an inexplicable and loud sound was heard.
Lin Chaoxi looked subconsciously and returned to the noisy emergency room door.
"Next patient, Lin Chaoxi." The doctor called the number.
Lao Lin stood up and supported her.
Lin Chaoxi looked at her father in shock, then turned to look at the clinic. It was pitch black there, with no nurses or young Lin.
"What's the matter?" Old Lin frowned and asked.
"It's... okay." Lin Zhaoxi said.
——
After calming himself down, Lin Chaoxi walked into the clinic.
As Lao Lin said, the doctors who saw her were all retired. At least the old lady who saw her had a youthful face and a gentle and dignified manner.
The old lady took her temperature and asked her a few questions. When she heard that she had been coughing for more than half a month, she frowned, stood up and said, "Let me listen to your lungs."
Lin Chaoxi pulled up his sweater and hunched his back.
"Your lungs sound fine, but you've been coughing for so long, so you should go get an X-ray." The old doctor wrote a prescription and handed it back along with the medical records, saying, "Go straight out the door, turn right, and walk straight inside at the staircase."
Lin Chaoxi could only stand up and walk to the staircase. She looked around, afraid of encountering the chaotic scene just now. But until she left the X-ray room, took back the film, and went to the clinic again, she did not see the young old Lin again.
Where have you been?
She was wondering about this question.
"You still need an IV." The old lady put down the film and began to write a prescription.
Lin Zhaoxi came back to his senses: "If I keep the drip, will I be well tomorrow?"
"See if you can get rid of the fever," said the old lady.
When I returned to the lobby, everything was normal.
Walking past the clinic, Lin Chaoxi leaned over there on purpose. She touched the surface of the table with her own hands and felt that it was cold. But there was indeed no one in the clinic, a normal scene after get off work.
She breathed a sigh of relief, although she didn't know why she saw the young Lin. But as a young person who had experienced time travel many times, no matter what she saw, it shouldn't be strange.
She lowered her head and loosened her hands.
At about this time, she suddenly saw a letter.
The letter appeared almost out of nowhere, in the corner of her eye. She turned her head quickly and saw someone passing by. That familiar and clear feeling came over her again. She knew that she was passing by the young Lao Lin.
Yes, the 20-something Lao Lin was running toward the stairs behind her. At the same time, the 40-something Lao Lin was walking toward the cashier window in front of her.
The two time and space, one bright and one dark, reflect each other.
Lin Chaoxi's heartbeat quickened and began to pound.
"Are you tired?" Lao Lin, who was in his 40s, stopped and asked him.
"Dad, I can't walk anymore. I want to go upstairs to get an IV first."
Lin Chaoxi looked in another direction. Old Lin, who was in his 20s, had already rushed up the stairs. She knew she had to follow him.
Without waiting for Lao Lin to respond, she started walking towards the spiral staircase. She could no longer hear what Lao Lin was saying. She only knew that if she missed the present, she might never catch up with the past, so she started to speed up her pace.
20 stairs, half a floor, a corner, and another 20 floors...
She was getting closer and closer to the young Lao Lin and could almost feel the breeze created by his running.
Why are you in such a hurry? What are you looking for?
Lin Chaoxi raised her head while thinking, and when she saw the three words "Obstetrics and Gynecology Department", her heart shuddered and she understood instantly.
She quickened her pace and followed closely behind the 20-something-year-old Lin. She watched him run, stop in front of the nurse's station, ask something, and then run again. He walked through the maternity ward, and she followed behind him, panting.
Finally, when she was almost out of breath, young Lao Lin stopped at the door of a ward.
He pushed the door open and she followed him in.
There were seventeen or eighteen beds in the room. Hot, noisy air blew in her face. She suddenly found herself in a huge obstetric ward.
There were more than twenty beds in the innermost space. Some people were greeting relatives, some were playing with babies, and some were peeling apples.
A strip of red fruit peel fell along the edge of the knife, and she could even smell the milky scent of a newborn baby.
But all this was just breath, without any sound.
The sky outside the window was pure and flawless, but the ward was dim, as if covered with a layer of light fog, and everything was just a hazy image.
At this moment, Lin Chaoxi saw a hospital bed by the window.
There was a blue curtain drawn there, almost transparent in the sunlight.
Old Lin looked around the ward and walked towards there.
Lin Chaoxi was very sure that the person sleeping on the bed should be her mother whom she had never met.
She took a few quick steps, wanting to go over and see what she looked like and hear what they were talking about.
Lao Lin lifted the curtain and entered the area around the beds, but the flow of time did not depend on her will. Before she arrived, Lao Lin had lifted the curtain and walked out again.
A corner of the sky-blue curtain fell, and Lin Chaoxi's hand was almost about to touch it. At that moment, the entire ward dissolved like a melting candy.
Only the young Lao Lin was clear and three-dimensional, and she could even see Lao Lin's eyes clearly.
It's hard to describe that look in words.
It was like the clouds accumulated in the sky when a rainstorm is coming, appearing a heavy, ink-black color, as if a heavy rain is about to fall.
But there was no rain, no tears, nothing.
So empty.
The door of the ward opened and Lao Lin left. She didn't have time to think and followed him subconsciously.
He followed her, feeling his slow pace, and saw him return to the nurse's desk, using the last bit of his rationality to communicate something forcefully. Then, the nurse called the doctor, and the man in a white coat stood in front of Lao Lin. He pushed his glasses and said a few words.
There was complete silence in the room. She tried her best to make out what the doctor was saying, but she could hear nothing.
The doctor turned and left, but Lao Lin remained standing there.
Like similar scenes in all movie clips, Lao Lin’s final look made her feel sad.
She wanted to reach out and hold Lao Lin, telling him that everything was fine, but her hand passed through the air, the image disappeared, and everything returned to nothingness.
The whole corridor was like honey melting into water. Before everything turned into water, she finally saw the letter that the 20-something-year-old Lao Lin was holding.
Lin Chaoxi couldn't believe her eyes, although she should have stopped believing it a long time ago.
The envelope was printed with red letters on a white background, and had the school emblem and address printed in red gold. The recipient was Lin Zhaosheng of Yongchuan University in English.
That was the admission letter from Lao Linchu that she had seen before.
——
"Why are you standing here?"
When the voice rang out, Lin Chaoxi shuddered.
Lao Lin stood in front of her, holding a basket in his hand. In the basket was an injection needle, and the transparent liquid was shaking gently.
Lin Zhaoxi looked up in a daze. His appearance was clear and three-dimensional, and at the end of the corridor was a snowy night. This was 41-year-old Old Lin, and this was the reality of the cheese world.
She didn't know how to answer Lao Lin's question, so she avoided his gaze and turned around, only to find herself standing in front of a convenience store.
The outline of the nurse's station was still there, it was the original nurse's station that had been converted. The filament of the light bulb hanging on the ceiling of the canteen trembled slightly, and the owner was looking at her with a doubtful look.
On a snowy night in the hospital, a girl with an anxious face looking into the air, with a single lamp, the boss should be scared.
Lao Lin put his hand on her forehead; the rough and cool touch made her sober up a lot.
Lin Chaoxi looked at the canteen. There were very few things on the counter, mostly cheap hospital supplies, instant noodles, small rolls, etc. She took a quick look and finally pointed at the sealed paper cup on the counter and said, "I want to drink milk tea."
Lao Lin didn't say "You can't drink if you're sick", he just paid for it.
Lin Chaoxi held the paper cup of milk tea, shook it gently, and walked forward with Lao Lin. The unopened tea bag made a slight rustling sound, which gradually eased her mood.
The letter she just saw was Chu's acceptance letter.
In the real reality of the Strawberry World, Lao Lin received a letter from Professor Paul Gee asking him why he didn't go to school, so the scene she just saw should be the past of the Cheese World.
Lin Chaoxi continued to recall that the letter was very large and the envelope was not opened. He could not put it in his pocket so he could only hold it in his hand.
So Lao Lin had just received his admission letter and walked into the hospital with a bright future, but he gave up everything because of what his mother said?
It was as if something extremely heavy was pressing on her heart, making it hard for her to breathe.
——
She walked down the long corridor with Lao Lin.
The bustling obstetrics department turned into a deserted corridor. The doors of the wards on both sides of the corridor were tightly closed, and only light was coming through from the end.
Lin Chaoxi walked to the door of the infusion room and realized that it was the obstetric ward she had just visited.
More than a decade later, the obstetric ward was converted into an infusion room with dozens of infusion chairs, but all were empty.
Lao Lin handed the prepared medicine to the nurse.
Lin Chaoxi sat down.
The needle pierced the blood vessel, cold medicine dripped in, the leather ring was untied, and Lao Lin picked up her IV bottle. Lin Chaoxi looked at the window where the bed used to be placed, walked over and sat down opposite it.
The snow was falling outside the window. She kept staring at the place where the hospital bed used to be. She still couldn't understand why Lao Lin gave up.
The aroma of tea and milk wafted in the air. Lin Chaoxi lowered his head and saw that Lao Lin's hands had become rough from working in the park for a long time.
She finally couldn't help but speak: "Dad, Professor Wang just said 'stillbirth', but you actually thought I was dead at birth, so why didn't you continue to study?"
He sat down in the empty seat opposite Lao Lin, and did not seem to be slow to move because of her question, but he did not answer either.
"Isn't mathematics your dream?" she continued to ask.
"Let me think about it." Lao Lin said in a slow voice, as if he finally understood what she was asking. "You can't understand why I would give up mathematics just because I lost you?"
"Yes."
"Why don't you understand?"
"I think a genius like you should be able to rationally weigh the pros and cons and make the right decision."
Lao Lin still looked very relaxed. "What kind of decision is the right one?"
Deep down, Lin Chaoxi didn't know how to answer. But she knew that Lao Lin would ask this question, so she also said the answer she had prepared long ago: "I think the right choice for you is to continue studying mathematics, abandon sadness, seek the truth of nature, and work for the welfare of mankind."
There was heavy snow outside the window. During the time I was seeing the doctor, the originally grey cement floor had completely turned white.
After a while, Lao Lin suddenly moved. He fumbled for something in his arms, and after a moment, he pulled out a letter from the inner pocket of his jacket and handed it over.
Lin Chaoxi lowered his head and froze.
It was a letter that the old guard had left for Lao Lin before he died. The envelope was wrinkled, and Lao Lin seemed to have been carrying it with him for a long time.
At this time, Lao Lin shook the envelope and suddenly smiled: "Don't be afraid."
——
The envelope was thin and fragile. Lin Chaoxi held it in his hands, still not daring to open it.
Lao Lin spoke slowly: "Actually, I didn't go to the United States because, to me, everything happened by coincidence. Although it sounds like I'm shirking responsibility, I really didn't know you were going to be born before I received that call."
"I was accused of plagiarizing my academic paper at that time, and I was too focused on proving my innocence. Also because of the plagiarism, my study environment on campus was very bad, so I stayed at the neighboring Sanmi University and didn't know that your mother was pregnant."
"I've said before that she's a very special girl. She puts personal independence and freedom of will first. Maybe we can't understand it, but we have to respect her ideas. So I didn't receive a call until you were born. The call came to my dormitory. Your mother asked me to come to this hospital."
Old Lin's narration was very organized and his tone was very calm, but Lin Chaoxi could tell that he still hadn't completely gotten over the incident.
"And then?" she asked.
“And then I didn’t get there in time.”
Lin Chaoxi shook her head, not understanding the meaning of his words. Old Lin's eyes fell on the letter in her hand.
Encouraged by Lao Lin, she finally took out the letter paper.
The characters were in standard small regular script. Under the bright incandescent light of the infusion room, Lin Chaoxi saw the first line of words under the title.
——Classmate Zhaosheng, for so many years, I have been wondering, if I hadn’t held you back then, would you have had a very happy and fulfilling life.
"I rushed to the hospital after receiving a call from your mother. I don't know why, but for a girl like her, when she asked me to go to the hospital, it must have been when she needed me very much."
Lao Lin continued, "It was still very cold in February. I came out of the dormitory, walked through the main road of the school, passed the communication room, and found my teacher standing there."
"What is he doing there?" Lin Chaoxi was horrified.
“He saw my acceptance letter.”
Lin Chaoxi silently recited the three words "Feng Deming" in his heart.
The difference between two worlds, an acceptance letter and an inquiry letter from Professor Paul Gee.
At that moment, Lin Chaoxi felt goosebumps all over her body, and a guess she had never had before emerged in her mind. She didn't even dare to listen to what Lao Lin said, but lowered her head to look at the letter in her hand.
——I didn’t understand it in the early years.
I boast that I have eaten a few more bags of salt than you, and I am also a university janitor, so I am definitely more knowledgeable than you. So I have no idea what you did back then.
For example, I think that since Professor Feng called you and said he wanted to talk to you, you should stay. This is a rare opportunity for you.
Lin Zhaoxi couldn't understand: "What does he want to talk to you about?"
"My teacher didn't want me to go abroad. I later realized that the earliest source of our disagreement was when I told him that I applied for CHU."
Lin Chaoxi couldn't understand and continued to read the letter with his head down.
——I was very sad to learn that you gave up the opportunity to study abroad.
Before you appeared at the door, I saw Professor Feng was about to take your acceptance letter and had kept him for a while. At that time, I didn't know what the problem was between you and me. If I knew that you had such a deep academic dispute, I would never let him see the letter.
Lin Chaoxi was shocked and his voice was trembling: "Professor Feng fabricated your thesis plagiarism and took away your acceptance letter. Why did he do this?"
"Why should I think about 'why did he do this'?" Lao Lin leaned forward slightly, and said seriously, "Look, Xiao Lin, this matter is actually a matter of my choice, not anyone else's problem."
"How can this be a matter of your choice?!"
Lin Chaoxi heard his own excited voice echoing in the infusion room. The patients watching TV far away glanced over at them, and then immersed themselves in the TV drama again.
"Yes, it was Master Zhang who stopped me and asked me to go into the communication room to talk to the teacher. But I was the one who walked into that room. No one held a knife to my neck."
The calmer Lao Lin's voice was, the more Lin Chaoxi couldn't accept what he said. She felt like she was about to cry.
"When I walked in, I saw my acceptance letter on the table, and we talked about it. My teacher wanted me to stay and continue to be his student. He would drop the plagiarism charges, give me a good academic environment, and even help me with my future academic career. I refused."
Lao Lin did not say anything about why Professor Feng did this. He just narrated without mixing in personal feelings.
"But because I chose to turn around and go into the communication room, I arrived at the hospital late. Your mother told me two things: first, she was eight months pregnant; second, because I didn't arrive just now, she had an induced labor operation. The child is mine, but now it's gone."
Lao Lin finally showed some youthful spirit: "I asked her why she didn't wait for me. She told me that she calculated how long it would take me to rush from the dormitory to the hospital. The time I arrived had exceeded the maximum interval, so she thought I would not come."
A drop of transparent potion fell from the medicine bottle, and Lin Chaoxi's heart was shocked.
It seemed that at some point in time, Lao Lin had also calculated the time when Pei Zhi would return home, but she never knew what this "maximum interval" meant.
The scene of the 20-something-year-old Lao Lin running wildly in the hospital just now reappeared in her mind. She even felt that the whole space had turned gray and transparent again. Opposite her, where there was no bed, light blue curtains were fluttering gently.
She wanted to say something, but her throat was choked and she couldn't utter a word.
"If the baby was born at 8 months old, it would definitely survive. But because of my insignificant turn, my child lost the chance to survive." Lao Lin seemed to be lost in a long memory, but his eyes were very clear.
"I was in great pain at the time. I didn't understand why she did that and didn't want to give me a chance. But I also knew very clearly that it wasn't her fault. It was me who made the wrong decision in the most important decision of my life."
"But you don't know that."
"Xiao Lin." Lao Lin suddenly smiled at her, "Most people don't know how important a choice is before they make it. This is fair to everyone."
——Why didn’t you wait for me?
——You are late.
It seemed as if there were faint sounds of conversation echoing in the completely silent space.
25-year-old Lao Lin left the ward at a loss with his acceptance letter. He rushed to the nurses' station and grabbed the doctor, but got the same cruel answer.
——It’s a girl. If the labor is induced, the baby will be stillborn.
——The woman’s life is in danger, the induction process is legal, and it’s useless to complain anywhere.
——Yes, the child is beyond saving.
"But I'm still alive." Lin Zhaoxi wiped away his tears vigorously, as if grasping a life-saving straw, and finally thought of the most critical point, "Did you ever doubt it?"
"I had doubts. But for me at that time, I just imagined the possibility that my daughter was still alive to make myself feel better."
Lao Lin continued, "I first looked up the specific process of induction of labor. It is very cruel. Levanol is directly injected into the amniotic cavity to kill the fetus. Then drugs are used to induce uterine contractions in the mother. The process is the same as normal delivery."
Lin Chaoxi saw Lao Lin reach out his hand and gently touch her forehead, which made her feel creepy.
"In fact, my mother gave birth to me normally and then sent me to an orphanage?"
"I don't know. I didn't know at that time." Lao Lin said calmly, "I just found out that it takes a certain amount of time for a normal pregnant woman to have contractions after being injected with Levanol. This period of time should be longer than the time of a conversation. If she went to the hospital specifically for induction of labor, she might not have given birth to a baby who died from the injection so soon."
Lao Lin said: "I talked to her, and the reasons she gave me were exactly the same as those given to me by Dr. An. Small hospitals in those days were used to doing such things and were very good at smearing all the evidence. She made it very clear that she wanted to have an independent life and didn't want her husband and children to drag her down. But I want to know why she was pregnant with you until 8 months, and then suddenly chose to induce labor at 8 months."
The snow was getting heavier and heavier, and the windows were covered with thick moisture. The cold winter finally showed its power.
"Why?"
"Her roommate told me that her parents came from their hometown before that. There is another thing I never knew. The first time your mother fainted during pregnancy, it was during Professor Feng's class. He sent her to this hospital."
Lin Zhaoxi raised his head suddenly: "My mother's pregnancy was discovered and she was forcibly taken away for induction. Does Professor Feng know about this?"
She finally understood why Lao Lin couldn't help calling his teacher when they first met. He had endured so many years of loneliness, and for so many years, he wanted to know the answer so badly, but no one had ever told him the answer.
"I don't know. Look, Xiaolin, these are the clues I got back then. From the medical evidence, you are already dead because I didn't get to the clinic in time. But for me..." Lao Lin looked at her and smiled, "This is my topic, I can't accept the answer given to me by others after they have finished the task. What if one day these people find their conscience or my daughter falls into the rabbit hole and suddenly knows who her father is, I have to wait for her to come over and hug my legs and call me Master, right?"
Lin Zhaoxi's tears suddenly fell.
She knew very well that Lao Lin's joke was just a consolation to her. He actually never knew that he still had a chance to wait for her.
But he still didn't go abroad, he wanted to wait for an answer.
This is not a bloody, complicated, or human-centered story from beginning to end. It just stems from a trivial choice and an almost hopeless persistence.
She looked at the old Lin in front of her and suddenly remembered the old Lin in real life.
"Before you came to me, I thought every day that maybe in a certain world, I would rush through the communication room without hesitation. Then I would bring my daughter and grow up with her. Life might be hard, but it would definitely be happy."
Lao Lin in that world did not have an admission letter because he had never received one.
He did not turn around, did not stay, did not talk, he rushed to the hospital without hesitation, and got ahead in the race against time and humanity.
The old security guard's letter had come to an end, and Lin Chaoxi saw the last line.
——I am old now. When people get old and recall the past, they will realize where they went wrong.
Between your math and your conscience, you want the latter.
Zhaosheng, I owe you an apology.
Zhang Damin
At home
The milk tea has gone cold, with only a faint fragrance wafting from it.
The snow outside the window was falling again, fluttering and gleaming softly under the streetlights. The door to the courtyard below was pushed open with a creaking sound.
Lin Chaoxi looked out the window and saw 25-year-old Lao Lin walking into the small courtyard behind the hospital.
The iron bench under the street light was covered with white snow, with only its long, thin black edges showing.
Young Lao Lin sat in the heavy snow and opened the acceptance letter in his hand. He covered his face with his hands, bowed his head and cried bitterly.
Lin Zhaoxi slowly raised her head and looked at the 41-year-old man in front of her. Suddenly she understood: "In fact, you always know what you want."
"Yes, I know." Lao Lin smiled.
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