Chapter 5 5
Jiang Ning returned home, had lunch, looked at the basin full of dirty clothes, sighed, and picked up the family's dirty clothes to wash.
It was the busy farming season, and she couldn't really just sit there and watch a basin full of dirty clothes, waiting for Jiang Ma, who had been working on the farm all day, to come back and wash them. It was just dirty dishes, so she wouldn't wash them anyway.
When Jiang Ma came back after finishing her meal and bundling the remaining rice, she saw the table full of unwashed dishes and chopsticks covered with crusts, and the thermos that had been smashed in the morning and not put away. She was so angry that she ran to the front door and shouted, "Jiang Ning! Where have you been? I'll skin you alive when you come back!"
This really pissed off Jiang's mother. She had a cold face. She was obviously exhausted, but she still had to wash the dishes and pick up the debris on the floor. Thinking that there were only two thermoses in the house and one of them was smashed, Jiang's mother shed tears again. She cried and muttered: "Why am I so miserable that I gave birth to such an ignorant girl? If I had known she would be like this, I would have said I would never give birth to another child. I gave birth to her only to make me angry. I told her to go to work, but she started to smash things with a knife again."
She was really sad.
Her next two children were both extra children. In order to give birth to them, she hid in the mountains and in her parents' home. How much injustice did she endure?
After giving birth to two sons, she considered herself a great contributor to the Jiang family and stood up straight. Later, she wanted to have a daughter to help her sons. When her son was not around, her daughter could help her with housework at home, and she would have her daughter to take care of her when she was old.
She thought she had been very good to Jiang Ning. What girl didn't go to the fields to plant rice, harvest rice, wash clothes, cook, herd cattle and take care of children at the age of eight or nine? When she was seven or eight years old, she had already gone up the mountain to cut grass and went down to the river to fish. Which of her brothers and sisters from her mother's side was not raised by her?
She was not asked to herd cattle or cut grass. She was the youngest in the family. Her two brothers did any work outside since she was a child, and she studied in school. She did not suffer any hardship from childhood to adulthood. Wasn't she happy?
Which girl doesn’t go out to work with the adults in the village when she is eleven or twelve years old? She is already fifteen years old, but she still doesn't know how to share some of the burden at home. Her two brothers are going to college, and the burden at home is so heavy, but she doesn't know how to be sensible and help her brothers. She even argues with them about studying.
How many girls in the village can graduate from junior high school like her? They all learned a few words in elementary school, so they didn't think they were really blind and came back to work.
The dishes we used yesterday haven't been washed yet, and we're waiting for her to come back and wash them. She's been doing farm work outside all day and her waist is almost broken from exhaustion, but I don't even feel sorry for her.
Other people’s girls don’t know how much they love their mothers. They don’t know how hardworking they are at home. The girls they raise have hearts that are made of iron.
She resigned herself to her fate and cleaned up the dishes and the floor, leaving the outer shell of the thermos bottle. She would go back to town to buy an inner liner.
Thinking of the broken thermos, she wiped away tears again.
But soon, she lay down on the bed and fell asleep from exhaustion.
When Jiang Ning came back, the house was very quiet. Grandpa Jiang and Dad Jiang were both sleeping in the rice field, and Mom Jiang was probably taking a nap in the house.
Seeing that all the dishes at home had been washed and the floor had been cleaned, she silently hung up the clothes.
Jiang's mother had always been the one doing the laundry at home. It was not that she had never asked Jiang Ning to do the laundry before. Jiang Ning had started doing laundry and cooking when she was six or seven years old. But she complained that Jiang Ning did not wash cleanly and was slow in doing things. Later, she took over the laundry herself, cursing at her.
Jiang's mother is the kind of person who gets things done while cursing and grumbling, and in the end gets no thanks for her work.
Jiang Ning had seen this since she was very young. Even when she was still young and didn't understand much, she had a vague idea in her mind that she never wanted to be someone like her mother when she grew up, so she grew up to be a person who was almost the complete opposite of Jiang's mother.
Jiang's mother has a bad temper, but Jiang Ning is so emotionally stable that even she hates herself for being too emotionally stable, so stable that she doesn't know how to lose her temper.
Of course, now she has learned to lose her temper and even has a temper.
But for her, losing her temper is just for the sake of losing her temper. When others cross her bottom line, there is a calm little person in her heart who tells her that it is time to lose her temper and that she should tell the other person that the bottom line cannot be touched or trampled upon.
Jiang's mother likes to complain and nag, but Jiang Ning is silent. She will never tell any secrets told to her by anyone. Whenever she speaks, she will encourage, praise and compliment her.
These were all traits that were formed unconsciously. Later, when she passed the civil service exam, her boyfriend asked her, "Why are you so good at flattering? Why do you flatter everyone you meet?"
She was stunned for a moment and thought to herself, I'm not flattering you.
Because every word she says to praise others is sincere.
Her eyes will involuntarily look at the strengths of others, and she can only see the strengths of others.
She lets people who possess these strengths do things that correspond to their personality and abilities.
But these were all subconscious of hers. She herself did not realize that her behavior of smiling and saying nice things to everyone was seen as flattery by others.
She restrained herself and became even more silent about this.
But just like the inferiority complex caused by her mother's long-term suppression and critical education is engraved in her bones, she subconsciously told herself not to become a person like her mother when she was very young, and has been growing up in the completely opposite direction of her mother. The character formed by this is also engraved in her bones and cannot be changed at all.
But her boss likes her, and her colleagues like her too. She becomes more silent, and in the eyes of her bosses, she becomes down-to-earth, steady and reliable.
So her leaders and colleagues liked her more.
Who wouldn't like someone who starts by sincerely praising you, affirming your abilities, seeing your strengths, and acknowledging your hard work and efforts?
In fact, she is not as good as others see her to be. She is neither smart nor stable.
She didn't speak because she was afraid of saying the wrong thing.
Who would have known that she is actually lively and outgoing and a natural optimist.
It is her acquired upbringing that makes her a silent, introverted, steady and reliable subordinate and leader in the eyes of others.
Jiang Ning returned to the room, found her freshman math book, and started flipping through it.
She will be entering the first year of high school after the summer vacation, but she has already returned all the high school knowledge to her teacher, especially mathematics. She once thought that she would never forget this knowledge, but time is a memory eraser. Those knowledge that were once so familiar and clear were eventually erased by the years.
Fortunately, her brother's high school textbooks were all there, so it was not difficult to review them. It was like reopening her dusty memories.
Time passed by unknowingly until the door of the room was roughly pushed open again.
Mother Jiang was holding a sickle in her hand. Seeing that she was reading a book, she glared at her and shouted, "Hurry up and go harvest the rice. You've rested all morning, and you still want to rest? You want to tire us to death, don't you?" Mother Jiang said as she muttered, "You are so ignorant. I've never seen anyone so lazy. You don't know how to feel sorry for your parents. I raised you in vain. Now you are like this. How can I count on you in the future?"
"All you do every day is study, study, study. What's the point of studying so much? It's just like studying to death."
Mother Jiang agrees with Uncle Jiang's words that no matter how much a girl studies, she will study for other families.
She is fifteen years old now. She will be eighteen after finishing high school, and will be twenty-two after four years of college. She will get married soon. She is really studying for other families, so she totally cannot understand why Jiang's father must let his daughter study.
But she couldn't resist Jiang's father's decision.
Although she is the one who calls the shots in this family most of the time, if Jiang's father really insists on something, her objection is useless. She can only intervene with Jiang Ning and let Jiang Ning give up studying on her own initiative.
Seeing that Jiang Ning didn't come out, she shouted again: "Hurry up! Are you still dawdling in your room embroidering?"
Jiang Ning put down the book, put on a straw hat, put on a long-sleeved shirt and went to the fields.
People who harvest rice basically wear long sleeves or protective sleeves because when they are harvesting rice, the rice ears will hit their arms all the time, which is itchy and painful.
She hadn't harvested rice for many years, but she still hadn't forgotten the skills of harvesting rice after all these years. She could harvest a large piece of rice by just bending down and stretching out her hand.
In rural areas, only girls who are hardworking, efficient, and willing to work hard for their families can be praised by others. Girls who can't work will be said to be:
'You are so lazy that no one will want to marry you in the future. '
'You are so slow in doing things. What will I do when I get married to my husband's family? '
'People like you who are so incompetent at work deserve to be beaten to death by your in-laws! '
What terrible words! But in their minds, these are taken for granted.
This is how Jiang Ning was indoctrinated from a young age.
Although her father and grandfather insisted on letting her study, they never told her that these ideas were wrong or that these words were wrong.
Everyone lives in such a distorted environment. They don’t think these words are wrong. They don’t know what is right and what is wrong. They only have a very simple idea that they should study hard, go to college, and eat public food in the future. Eating public food means having a promising future.
One thing that made her a little luckier than other girls in the village was that her grandfather and father both loved her quite a bit.
So even though she tried her best to build a correct and healthy personality in the process of growing up, and fought against the instincts she was taught time and time again, she could not blame them, or even love them, because they, including Jiang's mother, were victims of that distorted environment.
Apart from the different treatment she gave to Jiang Ning due to her preference for boys over girls, Jiang's mother was actually a good wife and mother in the traditional sense. She was hardworking, willing to work hard, and took care of everything at home and outside. She treated her two sons with all her heart and without reservation.
Later, when Jiang's father and mother quarreled, Jiang's mother cried to her two brothers. The two brothers were very dissatisfied with Jiang's father for not giving in to Jiang's mother at such an old age and quarreling with Jiang's mother. They thought that she had suffered a lot with Jiang's father in her life. She was hardworking and kind. She was kind to this family and to them. "She just had a strong temper."
They praised Jiang's mother for many things, thinking that she would agree with them.
After she heard this, she was silent for a long time before she said, "I graduated from junior high school and was only thirteen years old. She asked me to go out to work with Jiang Yueqin. You all know what Jiang Yueqin does, right?"
Everyone in the village now knows what Jiang Yueqin does outside. To put it nicely, she works in a nightclub, but in fact, everyone says behind her back that she is a prostitute.
Although she escaped from that place because she felt something was wrong, later on, someone spread the rumor that she had worked as a prostitute, and the rumor even reached her school. The rumor was very detailed, saying that she was a prostitute and could sleep with anyone for any amount of money. It also said that so-and-so had slept with her, and that she had slept with so and so many people.
According to other people's rumors, all the boys with a reputation for being slightly naughty have slept with her.
She was in high school at the time, and even her deskmate came to whisper to her if she had really slept with those people.
Anyone who has not experienced the embarrassment, helplessness, inability to argue, and despair of being bullied has no idea how many times she wanted to jump off the teaching building.
There were so many times when she almost couldn't hold on.
She has said many times that she doesn't want to go to school anymore.
Grandpa started crying.
Grandpa said, "What can you do if you don't go to school?"
"You have to go to school and take the college entrance exam. Only by taking the college entrance exam can you have a future and a promising future."
"Ningning, Ningning, you have to study hard and go to college." Grandpa couldn't explain much, he just knew that going to college was the only way out for rural people, as long as she went to school.
When her grandfather cried, her heart was broken and she had no choice but to go back to school.
They had no idea what she had been through at school.
She told them, and they just told her to bear with it and it would pass.
When Jiang's mother found out, she asked her, "Why don't they bully others but only you? Isn't there something wrong with you?"
At that time, she was weak and introverted and didn't dare to ask Jiang's mother: "Is it my problem that others bully me?"
She only knew that it was not her fault, she was not wrong!
She said that if she didn't go to school, the only person who was happy about it would be Jiang's mother.
"It was my father and grandfather who insisted on letting me go to school. I will always remember what they said, 'As long as I continue to study, they will support me even if I get a doctorate or postdoctoral degree.' Without their insistence on letting me study, I would not be who I am today."
She knew that it was her experience and environment that shaped Jiang Ma's thoughts and ideas, and that she was also a victim of such an environment, but she could not love and appreciate her like her two brothers did.
She gave all her love to her two brothers.
Yes, she understands the truth.
But the verbal and physical PUA, suppression, violence and bullying she endured since childhood cannot be erased simply by understanding these principles.
They have vested interests.
She was the only one who was hurt.
Just because she is a girl.
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