37. A Heart of Steel
Vivian is not a heart of stone.
If it were someone else, she would think that the other person's words were ambiguous and about to confess their feelings to her. If it were someone else, she might have smoothly picked up the conversation and made it develop in the direction she wanted.
But because it was him, she decided to hold back.
She felt she had seen through him. He wasn't unlovable, and sometimes he was genuinely sincere. She often blushed and her heart fluttered when she was with him, and it wasn't fake. But that was probably where it ended. He had his own path in life, even if it was eccentric. She, on the other hand, needed to be, and could only be, a career woman, relying entirely on her own hands.
Life is like the ocean, and they are just like two people floating on the vast ocean. When they see each other, they wave and greet each other from afar, and then drift in different directions along the current.
That's all.
Originally, since they were both unmarried, it wouldn't matter if something happened. But he wasn't someone to be treated lightly. She was afraid she couldn't just treat him as a toy.
Love was too bitter. The deepest pain she had ever experienced in her life had already been given to another story. She didn't think she could endure it again.
It was a bitter, long-suffering, international romance. She waited endlessly, and finally, a month before returning home, with the dawn of hope within sight, they were suddenly separated. The feeling was indescribable; she felt as if her heart had been ripped out, a bloody hole in her chest that could not be filled, a hole that would take a long, long time to heal.
From then on, Vivian was neither willing nor able to commit to a long-term relationship. Love, as it were, requires lowering all defenses, revealing yourself completely, and letting the other person know your weaknesses.
This is terrible.
No, no, no, she would rather not.
Now the bloody hole in her left chest is gone, replaced by a hard, shiny heart like stainless steel.
At this point, it was even more impossible for her to be a clown who interfered with other people's feelings. After all, if she didn't fight for her dignity, she would never be despised by Yang Ziqi like that.
So she relaxed her expression and answered while eating, "You're right, I'm definitely past the age where I can be moved by nice words. These words are like broken diamonds, worthless."
"Don't get me wrong. I'm not confessing anything to you. Between you and me... it's nowhere near that level." He said with a serious expression, "I just really need to talk to you."
She felt a little embarrassed: "Among friends, of course."
"Then you have to tell me what you were doing at that time."
There was no point in asking this question at this moment, so it even sounded like a spoiled child.
Unfortunately, Vivian really enjoys watching hunky men act like spoiled brats; it's probably a secret fetish of hers. What's the point of a frail man displaying weakness? It's only fun when a tall, muscular man whines and cries.
Besides, she thought: Besides him, has there ever been another person who was truly curious about what she was doing at some point?
"If I said I was watching 'The Legend of Zhen Huan' the other day, wouldn't that be a bit too heartless?"
He laughed and cried: "I really don't understand this."
"The episode where Chen Meizhuang died... If you haven't seen it, you won't understand. It's always a tearjerker. If you need to cry and let off some steam, this episode is the right one to watch." She suddenly went on eloquently, "Actually, I'm not new to the workplace. No matter what happened before, I always felt that what I did was right, that I was upright and brave, and that I always had a reason. But that time was different. I realized how insignificant I really was. Who am I? Where am I going? What the hell am I even doing?"
"I understand. Everyone feels terrible at some point, but take a hot bath, get a good night's sleep, and then go out and be a human being tomorrow."
She looked up at him and said, "Do you really understand? Aren't you going to get your wish soon?"
He crossed his arms and made a “stop” gesture: “I knew you were going to mock me.”
He raised his beer glass. “I can’t say I understand everything, but I hope you won’t have that kind of moment again. I wish you will always be happy.”
Although these words were so cliché, Vivian found them very touching. No matter how hard her shell was, she couldn't help but feel moved.
"Something really good has happened to me recently." She changed the subject, trying to lighten the mood.
"Tell me quickly."
"The person I loved ten years ago is back again."
"Oh? Who was that person ten years ago?"
Vivian briefly talked about the past events between her and Xiao Jiang ten years ago, just to pull herself out of the sad mood.
"I finally understand why men like to look back for their white moonlight after they become rich. In fact, it has nothing to do with what the person is like at the moment. It's just for the youth that can't be bought with any amount of money. Do you think that in the last few years of the gambling king, would he be willing to use all the money in his account in exchange for a day when he turns eighteen?" She talked a lot.
"Bai Yueguang...it's been so long, and you still like him?"
"Why eat if you don't like it? Aren't you tired of going out to work and having to look at people's faces every day? It's so much fun to go home and lie on the sofa and browse your phone." After she said this, she realized she had said something wrong, but pretended nothing had happened.
Since we want to be friends, we should do it right. Friends can naturally share their emotional experiences. It's unfair for only one party to lose.
He has a fiancée and she has her sweetheart, that's perfect.
"Divorced men are not desirable," he commented.
She laughed out loud. "You understand now? Stop attacking others. His appearance at this time couldn't be better. He's gentle and considerate, and this is the reassurance my chaotic life needs right now."
He looked at her deeply. She felt his gaze, but did not look up, just ate her meal with great seriousness.
She recalled a boyfriend who particularly enjoyed eating with her. When she asked him why, he replied, "It seems like you only look genuinely happy when you're eating." At the time, she thought he was being pretentious, but after they broke up, she realized he was right. While they were together, she felt unsatisfied.
Therefore, if someone makes her look like she is enjoying something delicious, she probably really loves him.
The two of them ate in silence when a message from the landlord suddenly popped up on her phone:
Will you rent the house next quarter? If so, please pay the six-month rent on time before the end of this month. If not, please let me know and I will ask the agent to bring someone to view the house. Please cooperate with me at that time.
Vivian felt annoyed and turned the phone over.
After the meal, Vivian wanted to pay the bill, but he refused, holding her arm tightly: "Don't think that tonight's meal counts. You still owe me a meal."
She was fine with that. The two of them walked out the door.
After a moment of silence, they spoke almost at the same time: "So..."
He smiled and said, "You speak first."
"I'm a little sad. Times like this will become less and less. As long as you're not married, you're still a free person. We..." She pointed at herself, then at him, "As long as we don't go beyond being friends, we can still meet like this. But after that, you'll be like the Ebola virus to me, untouchable."
She was half joking. A married man certainly wasn't inferior to anyone else, but once he became the son-in-law of a noble family, everything would be different.
There will be no more intersection between them.
"Okay, it's your turn." She put away her sadness.
"Actually... this may be a bit selfish, but I really need you to comfort me. I feel that we will break up sooner or later, and I'm afraid it will be sooner rather than later."
"Not really. You're too pessimistic. Isn't it common for people to quarrel and break up in relationships?"
"It's not about arguing. Even if we do argue, we need a common language. Can you imagine us eating together and each of us playing with our phones without looking up?"
"There are many couples like this. They appear to be living in harmony and happiness forever."
"I always feel that I'm not that bad yet."
"It's obvious that she likes you. Otherwise, she would have so many choices. Why would she put herself in such a difficult position?"
"I like limited edition bags, and I like cute dogs. I like them... a lifetime isn't enough." Eric thought. He might not have a huge supply, but finding a buyer for Yang Ziqi wouldn't be difficult. At least that's what Yang Ziqi's father said, meaning, "How dare you even think of entering my house?"
At first, he found it hard to believe that these words came from the mouth of such a highly respected person. After all, his media image was that of a kind and benevolent person who could also command an army. But the words that were comparable to those of a peasant were indeed quite straightforward and unpleasant to hear.
He was speechless.
This is probably how they are, their circle is like an iron bucket, and no one can get in. He is truly an outsider.
Lin Yang, who hadn't been seen for a long time, was a clear example. Ever since he and Yang Ziqi got together, Lin Yang knew that the Yang family was firmly opposed to it, so he quietly but quickly distanced himself from him.
Just liking someone is not enough, and it doesn't just refer to Yang Ziqi's feelings towards him. The same is true in reverse. No matter how much you humble yourself, you may still end up with nothing.
He'd been feeling incredibly restless lately, and coupled with his insomnia, his health had plummeted to its lowest point. Today, he'd found an excuse to see Vivian, hoping to unburden her. He couldn't share these feelings with a male friend. His two closest friends often joked with him, urging him to stay close to them when he got rich.
He imagined that although Vivian liked to hide her feelings, she might not be able to hide her happiness when she saw that he was thinking of breaking up.
He was no fool. He could see how different she treated him.
But now, she really advised him from a friend's perspective: "You seek benevolence and get it, so why sigh like Sima Niu?"
"Wait... I really don't understand this. Teacher Fang, please explain it to me."
"Stop feeling all alone and helpless. Come on."
Eric saw her eyes were red and shining brightly under the streetlight, as if she were drunk. He sighed and said softly, "Do you really think so? I don't believe it."
"Are you stupid? I'm going to make a boast: you can have as many people of the opposite sex as you want, but good friends are the hardest to come by."
He half-jokingly and half-sarcastically said, "Thank you for your advice. I should work harder too."
"I wish you happiness."
"Yes, may all your wishes come true, everything go well, may the country be peaceful and the people be safe, never lose sight of it, never forget it, and never leave it behind."
Vivian glared at him. He leaned over, gently holding her in his arms, and patted her head gently with one hand.
This was the first time the two of them were so close, but there was no feeling of lust.
She turned her head to the side, her ear right against his chest, and heard his heavy heartbeat. Her face suddenly felt hot, and she pushed him away slightly, looking up at his face. "Don't thank me today. I want to thank you too."
"Thank you for what?" He lowered his head.
Vivian was distracted and thought that this height difference was really perfect for kissing.
Despite her thoughts, she said seriously, "I've been feeling really down lately, confused and full of self-doubt. But you told me that everyone is just as bad, and that we don't need to be too harsh on ourselves. We can just 'let everything pass through us.'"
"This young man is teachable."
"Don't flatter yourself." She gently pushed him away. "It's late. You should go back. We were in a hurry today. Next time, I really want you to taste my cooking."
"next time?"
"But next time I won't be here. I'm moving back to my old home. If you'd like, come over for dinner."
"Then it's a deal."
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